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VIP June 2019 Ontario

Pushy Future Mother-in-law

Holly, on July 20, 2018 at 02:07 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 28

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So to start let me just say that my FMIL and I have a great relationship! She's like a second mom to me and I appreciate and love her and everything she has not only done for my fiance and I but also just me.

But....she is very very pushy sometimes.
She wants to throw me a bridal shower two days before the wedding. (We live in BC, wedding in Ontario and we arrive back in Ontario about a week before the wedding)
I told her no, that I didn't want it as I'll be too busy preparing for the wedding, catching up with friends and family etc and I don't want the attention. She said "no you have to have one so I'll throw one for you" once again I denied her offer and explained that I didn't need one but she said, "I don't care I'm doing it anyway".
*Side note-since we live in BC and the wedding is on Ontario we will not be able to bring any gifts home with us*
I explained the gift situation thinking she may just give up and she said that it can be a "gift card shower", my answer remained the same and I said no thanks. Still she insists and I told her that if I don't want one then how will she get my friends and families addresses and contact info to invite them..she said then she will only invite her family. That was even more unappealing to me.
She is very traditional and thinks that I have to have a bridal shower and doesn't like a joint bride-groom shower. I honestly don't know how to get it across to her that I do not want this. I think no matter what she is going to throw one for me and I hate it to say it but I will not show up.

This is kind of just a rant but also curious if anyone else is dealing with a pushy family and friend that wants them to do something they don't want?
Any one not wanting a shower but being pushed into it?
Just wondering if I'm not the only one.

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28 Comments

Latest activity by Marcia, on July 25, 2018 at 22:42

Super August 2018 Manitoba
Marcia · On July 25, 2018 at 22:42
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That's definitely a tough situation she is trying to put you in, I would get your FH to talk to his mom, especially if you have a good relationship her, she may have the best intentions, but it's not what you want. I had to deal with pushy friends wanting me to do something I didn't want to do, and I had to learn to let my yes' be yes, and my no's be no, and not engage any further. But it's definitely hard when it's your FMIL. Hopefully your FH will be able to help out with the situation.
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Master September 2017 Ontario
Erin · On July 24, 2018 at 11:25
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That sucks that it is making you feel awkward but I understand. My MIL said that I needed a bridal shower and when I refused as I didn't want one she said she would get together with my mum to plan one. I told her my mum knew I didn't want one and I would really appreciate it if she didn't try to throw me one as it makes me uncomfortable and she finally quit asking/telling. I think you need to really spell it out for her or have your FH talk to her as well.
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Super July 2018 Ontario
Courtney · On July 23, 2018 at 15:49
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I also just thought of this.. but typically people give gifts (whether gift cards, etc). I think its sort of... harsh to ask your wedding guests to come to a gift giving event, two days before another gift giving event.
If I were invited, I would feel really uncomfortable.
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Super July 2018 Ontario
Courtney · On July 23, 2018 at 15:44
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This is happening to my girlfriend.
The bridal party threw her a co-ed shower.. her MIL didn't like that and is now doing her OWN bridal shower. My friend ended up going along with it, but is fairly uncomfortable with it. She just doesn't want to cause any problems.

However - two days before the wedding is nuts! Can your FH step in and try and help you? Perhaps suggest to her that you guys do a 1 on 1 activity as that would mean SO much more.. or a group outting to all get your nails/toes done together in lieu.
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Curious June 2019 Ontario
Janis · On July 22, 2018 at 09:25
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I have the same strong opinions coming at me as well. Get your fiancé involved. If she won’t listen to you, maybe she’ll listen to him.

Last night there was strong opinions on something and we kept saying we’re fine. I’m very organized so I have my stuff in check and finally my fiancé said something to her because he was tired of hearing it as well. I don’t need people TELLING ME what to do for MY wedding that I’m paying for.

You don’t need anyone to tell you what to do for your wedding preparations either. Just stand up for yourself how you don’t want a shower that includes their family without him there (it actually doesn’t make sense). Once you say something and possibly your fiancé gets involved, maybe she’ll back down?

Also I’m getting married here in Ontario where we live and all of his immediate family are local. I’ve got that guest list drama with the Plus One stuff right now and people I don’t know that I don’t care to be there. I’ve said something and I’m trying to avoid a circus.
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Master July 2018 Alberta
Stephanie · On July 22, 2018 at 02:47
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It's tough to have any plans that week before the wedding! I only had a nail appointment and that seemed like too much scheduled! Honestly, I'm not sure it's worth fighting her on it. She's probably just excited her son is getting married and wants to plan something. Let her know you can spare 2 hours (or some time frame) but that you do have lots to do that week as you have been planning out of town.
My aunt wants to throw me a shower when I visit Ontario for a friend's wedding this summer. I will be there for 3 days, but I decided it's family, family is important and I can spare a couple hours for a shower (even though I'm already married!)
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Expert October 2018 Saskatchewan
Clarissa · On July 20, 2018 at 23:30
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Well you can remind her how happy you are and thankful for her help in doing that. And be firm that you do not h e the time as you already have plans that day and are booked solid.

But it as a few have pointed out if she still won’t back down and listen to reason and goes ahead with the shower I would just suck it up and go if I was you. I wouldn’t want to go causing some family drama. Also, is it possible this is also a bit of a tactic by her to get to spend a bit more time with you since you no longer live back in Ontario?
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Super August 2018 Alberta
Jennifer · On July 20, 2018 at 23:26
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I feel we have similar situations. I didn’t want one but my mother in law through me a surprise shower except it wasn’t two days before the wedding! Try to to remember how weddings were for our parents. Back then their parents pretty much planned the entire wedding and wedding showers mean more to the older women then I think we realize. If we stop doing the traditions they’ve been passing down I think they worry there won’t be any left haha.. just take a deep breath and try and let it go.
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VIP May 2019 Ontario
Stephanie · On July 20, 2018 at 14:53
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Oh jeeze... that is pushy... I mean I could understand her view if it was much before the wedding but yeah to be that pushy to throw a big event 2 days before?!!?!? That's a lot!!
Your mind would only be on the wedding anyways! You'll probably already be super tired and stressed and then to have that thrown at you I'm so sorry...
Maybe have your fiance talk to her? Maybe he can be more stern and get the point across without you looking bad?
I haven't had any of these situations thankfully except there was a mention that the night after the wedding it's a tradition to get together and have dinner with parents... i hope that's not a real thing and I misheard cause I just want to be one on one with my husband for at least a day after our wedding before we have to be social again hahaha!
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British Columbia
Brittany · On July 20, 2018 at 14:50
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Oh dear! She's probably trying extra hard now to make up for the lack of one wedding... Yikes. Just remind her how much she's already doing, and how much you appreciate it. I hope she's just bluffing about the behind your back thing too. You could always give your girls a heads up to squash that bug if it came up.
Good luck!!!
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VIP June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On July 20, 2018 at 14:37
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She was not nearly as bad when her eldest son was engaged... because there were two of us she could bother and his fiancee was super girly and wanted all the attention. But since that relationship has ended I'm getting all that lovely attention lol so I do believe the not having a daughter thing definitely contributes to it.
I really do hope she can just setting for the hosting dinner after our ceremony rehearsal, it's not the same but it's still something. I'm just hoping that she was not being serious about going behind my back and doing it anyway.
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VIP June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On July 20, 2018 at 14:31
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When I told my FMIL all the non traditional things we were doing she didn't take it well lol but luckily she got over that sonim hoping she gets over this too!
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British Columbia
Brittany · On July 20, 2018 at 14:26
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I agree, she's definitely going about it wrong. Especially saying "I'll just go behind your back and get all the information I need..." It's kind of childish, and a bit of an invasion of privacy...
I hope you come to a compromise that you're happy with. I know it's frustrating to have people force something on you that you don't want. It would be worse to cause an issue between you and your MIL... but I don't think it's fair you would have to succumb to her wishes to avoid that.
I think her not having another chance to do it may be a big part of why she's not letting it go. Especially if any of her friends made comments about thinking it was odd you hadn't had one. But ultimately that's not your problem.
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Super July 2019 Ontario
Jennifer · On July 20, 2018 at 14:15
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Oy vey!!! I feel you on the opinionated MIL. I have one of those. To the point that I was "grrr'd" at (in person, not text) when I told her i'm not carrying flowers. she hates the fact I don't want a bridal shower. and I had to pre-warn my bridesmaids that she may contact them and try and do one.
I say definitely stick to your guns in the politest way possible. and then have a sit down (facetime due to distance) with you and your FH and talk to her about it. and like others have suggested. request a rehearsal dinner or luncheon or whatever.
that's our next step with MIL who wants a super fancy rehearsal dinner (and we just want low key/pub. because I don't want a large meal the night before putting on a wedding dress).
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VIP June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On July 20, 2018 at 14:00
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I don't agree with if she throws one I have to go. I think if after almost a year of telling her not to throw one and she does anyway then that's her problem, I will have the week planned out and I will have a 6 month old to be taking to meet my family and friends. I think it is extremely rude of someone to do something after constantly being told not to and then expect you to go alot with it anyway. If she were to not have mentioned it to me at all then thrown me a surprise shower then of course I would go as much as I'd hate it but I think she needs to respect what I want and deal with that.
However I am hoping that the next time she mentions it we can come up with some sort of comprise or something and may get her off this idea.
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VIP June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On July 20, 2018 at 13:55
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She is going to be very involved closer to the time due to the fact that I'll need people helping me organize and have things such as DIY decor ready for when I arrive. So she's not lacking in being involved. However she doesn't have a daughter so I was thinking that may be it too, but she is definitely going about it wrong by pretty much forcing it on me. She knew even when we lived in Ontario that I didn't want one and she understood that but now she won't get over it.
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VIP June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On July 20, 2018 at 13:50
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We are having a ceremony rehearsal the day before with family and wedding party then we will all be going back to his parents house for dinner.. so I suppose she's kind hosting that but it's only for those that attended the ceremony rehearsal. We are having a very small wedding so we don't have a full rehearsal dinner etc so there isn't much for her to host really. She knows that she will be helping as we plan things and order things for the wedding since she in in Ontario and we aren't so I don't know her deal with the whole shower because she's being plenty helpful already.
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VIP June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On July 20, 2018 at 13:46
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Exactly, like I have everything I need and I don't think the extra attention is necessary. It's a small wedding and knowing her she will invite someone not on the guest list then try to guilt me into letting them come to the wedding too.. she's been very pushy with our COMPLETED guest list too..
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VIP June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On July 20, 2018 at 13:43
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I've tried explaining it every way possible and I'm at a loss..lol she knows very well why but for some reason she insists on doing it. I really don't know why it is so important to her, she knows I don't like attention and that it's completely unnecessary but she just can't get over it.
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VIP June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On July 20, 2018 at 13:40
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The baby thing is the same with us..I mean I am pregnant so at least that stopped the "I want grandkids" thing lol trust me though as annoying as the baby thing is now you'll love it once she starts forking our money and gifts for it! Lol
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Devoted August 2018 Ontario
Megis · On July 20, 2018 at 12:45
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Be firm and do what necessary for you. You can have a small bridal shower for her benefit. But otherwise stick to your plans
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Expert September 2019 Manitoba
Kelly · On July 20, 2018 at 12:04
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I agree with those below that suggested that you try and re-direct her energy into a rehearsal dinner or post-wedding brunch. It sounds like shes just super excited and wants to do something nice. Maybe just sit down with her and try to have a good heart to heart about it and try to come up with a compromise that both of you enjoy.
I also hate to say it, but if she does throw you a shower, whether you want to or not, you have to go. It doesn't do well to create a rift with her and your future husband's side of the family days before the wedding. I'm really not a bridal shower kind of person, so I get it. There's just something so old fashioned and "Susie homemaker" about them that doesn't really fit in our modern society. BUT...if somebody decides to throw me a shower, I'll be there. Begrudgingly.
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British Columbia
Brittany · On July 20, 2018 at 11:05
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Its sounds like she just wants to be involved in something...
One thing I thought of was, what if you took a leading role in controlling the "shower" but turn it into a casual luncheon? make sure all those friends and family you were wanting to visit with are essentially the only ones invited, make it short and sweet, and in terms of "gifts" there's a registry called Gyft where you pick up to 8 stores you shop at, and people get gift cards to them. Or even make her put "Please no gifts, they won't fit in our carry-on!"
If that still doesn't work/compromise... offer her to throw the rehearsal dinner, or a post-wedding brunch, if you'll be there the day after?
If all else fails, tell her you have plans every day that week and won't be attending... but hopefully some sort of compromise could be met... it sounds selfish on her part, but ultimately it's for you and her son, and it means a lot to her by the sounds of it.
Also, if she doesn't have a daughter, she may think this is her only chance to host a bridal shower.
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Top August 2017 Ontario
Vinod · On July 20, 2018 at 10:00
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I see why your MIL wants to throw you a shower days before the wedding. I wouldn't settle for that too knowing there is so much to handle and do.

As suggested by another individual about hosting a rehearsal or welcome dinner for the families and wedding party. Thia way you both are happy and everyone gets to enjoy an evening together.
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Expert October 2018 Saskatchewan
Clarissa · On July 20, 2018 at 09:15
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It might be that she is just so excited for the two of you and wants to do something for you. And throwing you a shower seems to be the idea she’s settled on. I completely understand not wanting one and that’s fine. But instead of repeatedly telling her you don’t want one maybe try redirecting that energy and excitement into something else.

Do you think she’d be open to hosting the rehearsal dinner or pre wedding dinner with family (from both sides). Instead of a shower with gifts just make it a gathering where you can get to actually talk and catch up with everyone before the actual wedding day.
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Super April 2019 Alberta
Gina · On July 20, 2018 at 09:11
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Oh I totally get it. I didn’t want a shower and that rubbed some people the wrong way.. and I have no idea why! We have owned our house for 7 years, and I need absolutely nothing. Lol. People know not to push me into stuff though, because I’m really stubborn 😬. I am the most awkward person with gifts, so I hate getting them. But I definitely took some heat for turning down a shower. I really don’t care though lol. I would rather people save their money and come join us for our wedding. That means way more to me then a gift.
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Devoted November 2018 Ontario
Emily · On July 20, 2018 at 07:41
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My FMIL has decided that Thanksgiving Sunday is the best day to throw me a shower. I'm having 2 showers, one that my mom is throwing me with my side, and then the Thanksgiving one with my FH's, I feel like she is only doing it because it "will look" bad if she her relatives are not invited to a shower. I told her I'm happy if she does and happy if she doesn't but she is still insistent.

You should say to her that if the situation was different, and you lived in Ontario then a shower a month or two before would have been tolorable. But because it's 2 DAYS BEFORE THE FREAKING WEDDING she needs to understand that there are better things the she could do to help. A shower is NOT HELPING.

I've had lots of people offer to bake cookies and sweets for the wedding (an Italian tradition. My FH is Italian. I am not.) but this is NOT helpful! We're paying for catering, and now there is extra goodies that I have to organize, that my FMIL will likely NOT actually help with despite saying she will. Sometimes people need to ask how and IF they can help instead of forcing their help upon us.Goodluck honestly. I can only imagine!
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Super August 2018 Alberta
Amanda · On July 20, 2018 at 03:41
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You definitly aren’t the only one! I have a rather... pushy FMIL too. And it’s not just with wedding things... baby things too... and we aren’t even talking about babies yet! We have a great relationship too, I couldn’t have asked for a better MIL, but she’s got a lot of opinions on wedding things. Decor, details, and especially song selections. And she seems to get almost... offended if I don’t include her in something. Even if it was something I had already had plans with someone else. It gets a little over the top sometimes and honestly, it’s just plain exhausting.
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