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Beginner July 2019 Quebec

Broken heart after comments on tk

Cynthia, on March 3, 2018 at 21:08 Posted in Wedding ceremony 0 34

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Ladies I posted on the knot... what a bad idea. Its like being thrown into a pool full of sharks. Before i get started... if you have nothing nice to say then dont say nothing at all please. Looking for support, i dont need any more mean comments.

Me anf my fiancé got engaged in 2014, i say yes and he gave me a ring. We dident have our wedding because i got pregnant. Then poof baby number 2 came. So now thats babies are done we were talking about getting married. My fiancé told me that he dosent belive in the legal part of marrige. He dosent see why the government needs to be involved in our relationship. He went through 3 divorces as a child and no longer belives that the legal part of a marrige dose anything but make it alot harder to divorce and cost more to separate. Me on the other hand no one in my family even extended family has divorced. So i have always dreamed of the white dress and big fairytale love story. Bu here we are 2 kids and many years later still engaged. So after a long discussion and a few weeks of thought we desided to have our wedding and do our vows to eachother because thats what is the most important to us.

So i went on the know seeking advice on how to word and explain thinhs to guest without going into details. But i got such bad comments that it made me feel so heart broken. They said things like im not engaged so i dont get to call him my fiancé, that i wont be a bride and he wont be a groom, that we are lying to our guest and its dishonest. They told me i should have a commitment ceremony but that i cant have the wedding dress or anything that resembles a wedding.
So here i am ladies looking for advice because I feel sad. I would of got married legally but i will not pressure mu fiancé into something he does not want. I will not put at risk our loving family and our life that we have build together. Some say by doing it this way i am missing out on tge security of marrige. But we have our wills done, our home is in both our names, everything we have in our home has been bought by both of us. The only thing i wont have is access to his pention and him paying support to me if we were ever to split. And im perfectly ok with that.

Has anyone here been through something similar?
We want to be clear with our guests about our intentions buy we dont want to have to explain to every single person why we are not getting legally married...
Its making me regret bringing up a wedding/marrige in the first place :-(

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Latest activity by Lyla, on March 20, 2018 at 22:52

Devoted July 2018 Alberta
Lyla · On March 20, 2018 at 22:52
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Yes, in response to not understanding why it’s such a sensitive subject, and I meant I was mad about the comments made on the other wedding site.
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Curious July 2018 Ontario
Cathy · On March 20, 2018 at 21:16
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Are you directing a response to me?
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VIP September 2019 Ontario
Becky · On March 20, 2018 at 08:41
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There is always different wording on invitations you could do. you could do as you said the commitment ceremony between you to and then do a celebration afterwards. The wording could be please come join us in honoring (both your names) in their celebration of commitment. people will assume I would think it would be same or similar to marriage. Either way you can do it however you want, wear whatever you want !
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Devoted July 2018 Alberta
Lyla · On March 20, 2018 at 07:01
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Perhaps if you had read the comments you might understand. We are all subject to being affected by others criticisms, especially when our emotions are invested in it. She went to a group where she felt she could be open and honest, only to be met with rude remarks regardless of how she explained the situation and was made to defend herself over silly, petty little things. From what I saw it definitely looked like abunch of ladies picking at bits and peices that didn’t even matter. So much so, that they even began to question her fiancé’s faith in their relationship after she had gone. This is not the sort of behavior that I would want to expose any one to and I am rightfully pissed off at all the comments made.
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Devoted July 2018 Alberta
Lyla · On March 20, 2018 at 06:21
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Wow I’m so sorry to hear that those ladies were rude to you. I’ve been through so many articles and comments on here, and not once have I ever encountered even a rude comment or anything. I’m really comfortable about posting and I’m so thankful for the ladies on here! To me this is a place for real advice and comfort for fellow brides. I’m not sure that I can offer you any advice on how to word things, but I 100% agree that you can and should do everything as you want! Those “ladies” need to come down of their high horses. I can’t see that sort of behavior being tolerated here. I wish you luck with your beautiful family and the planning of your wedding. The law does not define your love, and a wedding is in celebration of that love and journey that you vow to make with one another. No one goes to a wedding excited to see you sign some meaningless papers 😘
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Expert July 2018 Alberta
Marina · On March 8, 2018 at 20:53
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Big props to Sydney for her magnificent comment. Yes, we don’t know each other. Yes, we can post whatever we like. However, the community is most of all a support system. Showing a little compassion or even indifference would not hurt anyone.

And i I come from Europe! We are naturally rude there!
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Expert August 2018 Ontario
Sydney · On March 5, 2018 at 15:56
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It's awful that you were made to feel that way. I think you should celebrate, and have everything you envisioned for your big day. A wedding is what you make of it, as is a marriage.
You could have a commitment ceremony if that's what you want. You can wear a wedding dress if that's what you want. You can call him your fiancé/husband if that's what you want. Girl, you can have a whole freakin' parade if that's what you want. Don't let other people get you down.
I think you should plan your day the way you want to. Wedding dress and all. Invite people to celebrate your love for each other - and if they don't like it, then they don't have to come. Those who love you will support you regardless of what it's titled on an invitation. It's not necessarily the legalities of things that make it a marriage. It's whatever is important to the two of you.
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Master September 2017 Ontario
Erin · On March 5, 2018 at 15:00
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It sucks that people were so rude and ruined your happiness. I think you guys should do whatever works for you and makes you comfortable. Forget what anyone else thinks!
Bonne chance!
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Super August 2018 Alberta
Jennifer · On March 4, 2018 at 19:20
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In my opinion it’s still a wedding, you’re saying your vows to each other. Wear your dream dress and celebrate how you want to! It’s about what you both want. Everyone’s different I would want the legal way but that doesn’t mean I expect everyone else in the world to want the same as me. I don’t see a need to explain to your guests at all but if you want to I would do it one on one when you’re visiting with someone vs announincing it to everyone. It’s not really anyone’s business unless you want it to be.
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Master August 2019 Ontario
Bianca · On March 4, 2018 at 12:14
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Just stay here on Wedding Wire where we’re all supportive ❤️
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Frequent user August 2018 British Columbia
Ashley · On March 4, 2018 at 12:11
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Everyone has there own opinions, please don’t let those negative people ruin your wishes. If that is truly what the both of you want then everyone is just going to have to respect that. Not everyone wants the whole $50k wedding and to some people marriage is just a piece of paper.
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Expert August 2018 Ontario
Jocelyn · On March 4, 2018 at 11:59
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If the legalities matter that much to you, a simple civil ceremony should be sufficient. however, the posts regarding cohabitation/common law are correct.
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Newbie November 2018 Ontario
Angel · On March 4, 2018 at 11:17
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Hey, forget what anyone else thinks ! It’s about you two and that’s all! With that being said I have two suggestions!

1. Marriage is archaic, it you read up on the roots or marriage you won’t feel so bad about skipping the legal stuff, if you dedicate yourself to another person that’s more than enough, having a ceremony that shows your dedication and love for one another is just fine! As long as you’re BOTH happy with that decision (you can even legally change your last name after if that’s important)

2. If it’s really important to you that it’s legal than get a lawyer and make legal document that states down to a tee what happens if you divorce, financially you would split everything, that you’d sell the house and split the money from it for example, both sign a prenup so it’s not about getting each others money, ect ! That way if by some reason you decide to divorce it’s already all settled there won’t be any fighting over anything, both pay your half of the divorce fee and bam done! That way maybe he’d be more inclined to have everything legal if he had peace of mind there’s already steps in place is something did go wrong.

my parents divorced so I know how horrible it can be, just make sure that you and him are on the same page, he’s going to be your husband either way so make sure you have good communication and are able to talk to him about any concerns

good luck!
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Devoted August 2018 Alberta
Rosalyn · On March 4, 2018 at 09:58
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I found the post on the knot and it was ridiculous. I agree with calling it a commitment ceremony, that doesn’t make it any less a wedding because you are choosing not to sign paper work. Those ladies need to take their heads out of their butts and realise its 2018. I think the knot is less friendly because it’s not strictly Canadian 😏

he is your fiancé
you will wear your white dress
you will have friends and family there to celebrate LOVE - that’s all that matters
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Devoted May 2018 Quebec
Jen889 · On March 4, 2018 at 09:23
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You're are right. We can't take our husbands last names in Quebec. They passed this law in 1976.
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Beginner July 2019 Quebec
Cynthia · On March 4, 2018 at 09:22
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Thank you so much ladies ♡ you guys a great! Obviously I was on the wrong web site :-) all the wonderful people are here
I feel much better aftet reading all your great comments! In Quebec, even after you get married you cannot change your last name. We are all ready common law and with two kids its hard not to all ready call my fiancé a husband. We both think that this will be just as big as a commitment than if we were to get legally married.
I look forward to buying my dress and to plan everything. We acctually will have a family friend do the ceremony. Instead of prononcing us husban and wife we probably will get him to say united in love. I would love to be avle to say "husban and wife" but i dont want anyone to start questionning thing. I rather make it clear. But we have agreed that from that day on we will no longer be "fiancé" we will just say " this is my wife" and " this is my husband".

Thank you again ladies for your kind words and support. Its nice to see that there are so many lovely and sweet people in the world ♡ :-)
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Devoted November 2018 Ontario
Emily · On March 4, 2018 at 08:46
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I'm so sorry that you were treated that way!! Just terrible
I don't think you need to explain it at all maybe to close friends and close family, but it's no one else's business what order your affairs are in!

I don't know if you're religious at all, but having the ceremony in a religious institution you have more freedom to avoid lawful marriage. It could just be in the church records (if Christian, I can't speak to what other faiths do).

If you're not religious, you could maybe get a close friend or family member that you trust, to act as an "officiant" leading the ceremony, but omitting legal jargon, and ultimately allow you and your partner to commit to eachother the best way you see fit, without overly confusing guests.

I hope you can come back here to the Wedding Wire board for support in the future. Stay strong Cynthia!! ❤
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Curious November 2019 Ontario
Cindy · On March 4, 2018 at 07:27
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OMG, i’m sorry you had to go through that! People are so insensitive. Is it just me or is anyone else finding that people on WeddingWire are so much more supportive vs. The Knot?

My fiancé and I have been together for 14 years.
He is not really keen on getting married because pretty much in his eyes we are already married for many years. We are pretty much just getting married because our families expect it. This is actually our 2nd time planning to get married, the first time didn’t work out as planned, we had a few bumps along the way.

Regardless, I think if you want you big day you should have it! Like some of the other ladies on here suggested, you could do a commitment ceremony. In place of a officiant maybe a good friend who can talk on behalf of your love. Every girl dreams of having their big day, why should a peice of paper tell you how you should be married.
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Master July 2018 Alberta
Stephanie · On March 4, 2018 at 03:31
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It sucks that people were so rude to you. This is supposed to be a happy time and it's hard to get back in that mood once your dreams have been crushed! Stay here awhile and we should be able to get you back in the spirit of things!
My friend went to a commitment ceremony. The groom didn't want to get married but the bride did so they compromised. She wore the dress, they said vows, he gave her a ring (but he didn't want one) and then they had photos and a reception. She got her dream of the dress and the ring and he got his dream of not being married.
I think you can call it a commitment ceremony if you want and use it on the invitations. I think they are becoming more common that not too many people will ask what it is or why you're doing it. If they do, you don't have to give them much of an explanation. Just let them know this is what works best for you.
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VIP November 2019 British Columbia
Alexandra · On March 4, 2018 at 02:50
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I was going to include this!!!!

Also in Quebec aren’t you not allowed to take your husband’s last name when you marry? (Correct me if I’m wrong but that’s what I was told) So like literally there’s so little difference between you guys getting legally married and just having the ceremony. Why on earth are people getting so upset? You have your wedding girl, white dress and all! Screw the people saying you’re not a real bride! You’re one of us. Legally binding or not. If you’re happy and your fiancé (Which he is!!!) is happy, then I’m happy for you.
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Super March 2018 Ontario
Jessica · On March 3, 2018 at 23:22
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I'm sorry that people were so rude to you. I really don't see the problem with this at all. You have both made a decision that you can agree with, and showing that you care about one another in anyway is perfect!
As a side note, I lived in Sweden for four years, and they have a very different perspective on marriage there. A lot of couples choose together to get engaged, both get a ring, and never get married. Engagement is as far as it goes. If and when they choose to get married, it's often a very small ceremony, usually just themselves and their children by that time. There are rarely guests and no party afterwards. Just a way to show they care.

After reading your post, it sounds like you're choosing the more Swedish way, which is just non-traditional here in Canada, but totally the norm somewhere else in the world!
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Devoted May 2018 Quebec
Jen889 · On March 3, 2018 at 23:12
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I agree with what everyone else has said. I just wanted to put my two cents in as a fellow Quebecer. It's very hard to explain to those who dont live in our province how "covered" we are as common law. In Quebec, common law is practically the same as marriage with a few differences. Common law you don't receive your partner's pension automatically, and even with a will your partner's family can contest the will easily.

When your married, you automatically receive your partner's pension and it makes contesting a will almost impossible.

Now, with children. They changed the law last year that as common law you are entitled to alimony and child support should you split. As soon as children are brought into the equation the law protects said children. So basically your children would inherit his part of anything and everything.

As common law, your partner can put it down in his will that you would receive his pension upon death. If not, it goes automatically to your children.

Anywho, I'm sure you know everything I said above but it just bothers me so much that people treated you like this and probably have no clue what they are talking about in regards to this province.

Honestly, for the knot comments... laissez-faire! You call that man your fiance, you wear that ring with pride. Wear that WEDDING dress, you have your fairytale ceremony, and you rock that day with your head held high. Let no one take this special moment from you.
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VIP May 2019 Ontario
Candace · On March 3, 2018 at 22:50
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Have you seen the episode of greys anatomy where Meredith and Derek get married on a post it note?! Marriage is whatever the people getting married want it to be! Don't let anyone tell you how to get married especially people who are probably just so insecure that they feel the need to legally trap their partner in a marriage.
You do what will make you and your fiancé happy!
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Super September 2018 Alberta
Michelle · On March 3, 2018 at 22:30
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You could still do the shibang without the "legal" part. Still do a ceremony, vows, get a friend to "marry" you and just skip the marriage certificate signing. You can still have your day, you are legally common-law in which technically married just didn't make it a legally binding thing.
My FH's aunt has been with her SO for 30+ yrs but they are not legally married but classified as common law.
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Expert September 2018 British Columbia
Kim · On March 3, 2018 at 22:04
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You deserve your special day the way YOU want it... and a commitment ceremony is just as meaningful as a full-on "legal" wedding. He already IS your husband as you are common law married and you should get to celebrate that union to the fullest. Enjoy your special day and don't worry about what the random haters on the internet say!
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VIP June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On March 3, 2018 at 21:59
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I'm glad I could make you feel better 😊 People will be overjoyed to be apart of your special day no matter what you call it or what happens legally or not.
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VIP April 2019 British Columbia
Leah · On March 3, 2018 at 21:58
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Ick to the hurtful things that were said to you on the knot’s board.

It’s YOUR relationship.

You don’t have to explain anything to anybody.

You’re inviting friends/family to celebrate your commitment to each other. I don’t think you need to explain it any further than that.

Hang in there. Shake off the naysayers. Enjoy your day!
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Frequent user September 2018 New Brunswick
Amanda · On March 3, 2018 at 21:56
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Also, apparently I'm not done yet, you can call your partner whatever you want, whenever you want. I call my FH my "husband" because i hate the word "fiance" and I feel too old to be saying "boyfriend".

Just because you lack a legal piece of paper doesn't mean you don't live through the exact same trials and tribulations (and the occasional happy times :p) as a legally married couple. So yeah, you can do and say as you please with said relationship because you live it, and it is no less valid than anyone else's.

Long story short: those women are just silly and likely are in dire need of a hobby
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Beginner July 2019 Quebec
Cynthia · On March 3, 2018 at 21:54
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Thank you so much :-) you ladies are so sweet ♡
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Beginner July 2019 Quebec
Cynthia · On March 3, 2018 at 21:52
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Thank you for your kind words, it makes me feel better. We are acctually all ready common law since we live in Quebec. For us, we all ready have most of the "perks" of marrige bacause of the legal papers we had done with our lawyer. To us our commitment ceremony will be just as important and as meaningful as a legal marrige. After reading all those mean comment i felt so bad and sad... it amayzes me how people can be so mean to each oher... i never expected it on a wedding site. I can understand how some might not agree to the way we plan on doing thing but isent the most important part of a wedding/commitment ceremory the commitment and love two people have for each other. Im a very open minded and modern thinking person so mabey it offended them in some way that we are not following the traditional ways. Thank you again for making me feel better :-)
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Frequent user September 2018 New Brunswick
Amanda · On March 3, 2018 at 21:49
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Yeah, that's ridiculous!
It's your day, and your relationship and you can do whatever you want with it. And if you're getting what you want then you have every right to be elated about it.
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Frequent user October 2018 Ontario
Katie · On March 3, 2018 at 21:44
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I’m so sorry you went through that! I agree with everything Holly said. And the great thing about weddings is there is no set rules. You are just as deserving of a celebration and a white dress and everything else that you’ve always dreamed of! What matters is that you two are making that commitment to each other, and that it is what you guys want. I think if you call it a commitment ceremony, people will know what you mean and there shouldn’t be more of an explanation required. If the people you love are truly supportive of your happiness, it shouldn’t matter whether it’s a wedding or a commitment ceremony. At the end of the day, the result is the same and that is that you are celebrating your love and devotion to each other. So go get yourself the most beautiful white dress and make it a celebration that is everything you’ve ever dreamed of, because you are just as deserving of that as anyone here
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