Why we are a community

I completely understand what you mean, makes perfect sense!
I wish I could get away with that but I have so many people coming from out of the country whom I dont see very often so I'm probably going to thank them a ton at the wedding and then send a note
Thanks Amanda.

I think my biggest reason for not doing invites is that I know that they are just going to wind up in the trash. So why bother. Especially if I'm probably going to be seeing them before the note is even mailed to their house. If someone who couldn't make it to the wedding had had sent me a gift, I would definitely send them a note. But other than that, I don't really see the point.

Im not trying to say or imply that anyone is being mean or rude. Especially to me. I love all of the input and I quite enjoy civil conversation where two sides very much so disagree. I believe it widens your horizons and opens your mind. Especially you three who have talked with me in this discussion: Valerie, Melissa, and Lindsey. All 3 of you have helped or advised me on other topics as well. And I am grateful for that.
One of the things I've been trying to say, I guess, is how do you know what is deemed "acceptable by society". From what I've been told by my friends and family, the decisions I've made regarding my wedding are acceptable. So from my perspective, I am a part of that greater society.
I live out in Alberta but I was born in Manitoba. I was 10 when we moved. Being from Manitoba, everyone had a "social" (jack&jill, stag&doe) before their wedding. No one out here in Alberta even knows what that is. So even just a couple provinces over, what is concidered the "norm" isn't even heard of.
So I guess I'm just trying to say that everyone has to have their minds open a little bit and understand that your "society" and someone else's could be, and probably are, very different. So what some are deciding to do could very well be socially acceptable, by their society.

My fiance and I are doing the same thing as you, we are not asking for any gifts. Over the year we have accumulated so many things and we think it unneccessary to ask for something that we may never use. That being said (and I'm not saying you are going to do this), if someone out of the kindness of their hearts decides, on their own, to go out of their way and buy us a gift. That cannot go unacknowledged. We have to thank them.

Same thing goes for the people that we invited. We sent out the invitation to family and friends because we want them to be there to celebrate with us in what is a emotional and loving occasion in both of our lives. Our friends and family have the option to decline or celebrate with us and if they choose to come to the wedding, ultimately they are agreeing come and spend THEIR time with us - Which they didnt have to do, but I'm thankful that they did because now we all have these memories to share.

I'm not saying a send a Thank you note everytime that I spend time with family or friends but on this occasion, I'm going to send a thank you note. It takes no time and little effort, and I want to make sure that my guests know how much I appreciated that out of the many things they could be doing, they chose to spend their time with us.

Because it is your wedding, you are free to do whatever you like. Just like weddings have evolved, Standards and traditions can be broken or changed, its not the end of the world. People will say that sending a Thank You is proper etiquette, which in my opinion it is, but maybe its not the same for you and thats fine. I just think that the people that attend will really apprecitate it.

I'm late to this conversation but I'd like to throw this in: when I say I think some action (or inaction) is rude, I'm saying it contravention understood social conventions and would cause me to bristle. Obviously everything I'm saying is coming from my own perspective an experiences. Yours may be different. But your guests may be different from yours. Generally speaking, as a society we have collectively agreed upon what is socially acceptable. If you don't perceive a certain action to be rude, greater society (which may or may not include your guests) may think that it is.
I think it's unfair that brides get so defensive and up in arms if a poster says: Hey, I think your proposed plan defies social norms and if I was a guest, I would consider this rude. It's not so much about passing judgment and more advising to an outside perspective.
At the end end of the day, if a bride is so set on breaking social norms.... she can. Just be prepared for the possibility that guests will be annoyed or think it's rude or poor etiquette.
And I think a lot of my fellow posters just want to make others aware of how the situation may be perceived. Unfortunately they've been singled out as being "mean".

The way we see it is that they are invited to come and we aren't asking for gifts. So by coming and/or giving a gift, that was their decision. It's just a big party that we are throwing to celebrate us getting married. In no way, do we expect anything of the people who do decide to come. If they are there, then they got to celebrate with us and share some of our memories from our special day. Most people who we are inviting, we see on a monthly, if not daily basis, so I'm sure saying thanks will come up in conversation. And it will be in person to boot.

I'm genuinely curious on your reason for not sending your guests any kind of thank you? I mean your guests have taken the time to come and celebrate with you and likely brought a gift, taking a few moments to send them a note thanking them for that gift really didn't require my time or effort and it's just a very nice gesture, so why not?

I completely agree: we won't agree on this subject. And I'm completely fine with that. We aren't going to have the same wedding. But that just means we have different views. And that's ok too. I get that what some people view as normal is not the same as mine. But I don't understand why that makes me wrong. I'm just trying to get people to understand that there isn't just one way to do things, and their way of doing things isn't superior nor inferior to anyone else's.

Not thanking guests is rude- saying "thank you" is one of the first things parents teach children for a reason. Sorry, but no matter how you phrase that, it is rude.

My mind will not be open to rude hosting practices....unique weddings are one thing, poor hosting is another.

We are not going to agree, and this is fine....you do you. It won't affect me, but it will affect your guests.

I'm not giving out favours, nor will I be sending thank you cards. None of the weddings myself or my FH have ever been too have done either. I've only been to 2 weddings, but my FH has been to over a dozen. No one has ever complained.

My sister has a gap between her ceremony and the start of her reception (about 2 hours) so she has decided that people can use their better judgement and decide to feed themselves if they're hungry. And no one from our or her FHs family seems to have an issue with it.

But, to some, these decisions are seen as rude. But why? Just because the way we want to do things doesn't adhere to what some people would call proper? What some people view as the right way may not be the same as others. If it's what we want, and the people that matter the most to us are fine with it, why it it rude?
I just want people to keep an open mind that what one person says is "the norm" might just be unheard of to someone else. And neither side should be put down or made to feel bad about it. Like I've said, opinions are always welcome, but what I would call rude, is telling someone that what they do is wrong.

Yes. It is a standard. You can choose not to follow it, but because most people in our society adhere to the standard, deviation is usually seen as rude. Of course no one will be calling the police over it- but people will notice, and they will have negative things to say about these slights, even if not you your face.

Not hosting guests who attend a ceremony with food of some sort is impolite. A couple celebrating with a meal and excluding their guests is rude. I might also consider that a bar with no food might lead to drinking on empty stomaches, and that can be dangerous.

Not having favours is different than not sending thank you cards. No favours= fine. Not sending thank you cards is very rude. Guests who share in your day and bring a gift, deserve a thank you. I really hope you do not mean you will not be sending thank you cards.

Just because you don't think something is rude, does not make it polite or OK. Of course the etiquette police won't come and arrest people for having bad manners, but guests will notice. I understand what you mean about etiquette being guidelines, however treating guests well is an expectation in North American culture. You can go against that- but it would not be good manners to go against the accepted etiquette.

But as you've stated: it's a standard. They are "considered" non-negotiable. But they aren't rules.
My sister is having her wedding 6 months after me, and she is not feeding her guests. She's having a 3pm ceremony with the reception afterwards, but she's only having the bar and a DJ. After the ceremony and pictures, her and her hubby are going to their favourite restraunt to eat. Then they plan to show up at the reception at about 7.
I'm not doing thank-you's of any kind, and neither did my cousin, or my soon to be sister in law.
What some think is the "norm" can be drastically different from what others think. And people should be mindful of that. These so called "rules" are guidelines, that's all. And some people don't follow the same guidelines. That's all that I'm trying to say.

Your welcome Melissa! what you wrote was on point and hopefully it clears at lot of things.

Thanks Simone I did put a good amount of thought into it!

I agree Melissa with what you have stated.

I think people often confuse etiquette and tradition. Amanda, you are absolutely right that traditions will vary between cultures and even from city to city., and there are no hard rules for traditions.

Traditions are things that have been done for a long time. Fathers walking the bride down the aisle, couple cutting the cake, or within families passing down jewlery or a wedding dress. These traditions are what make weddings unique to a couple, by doing things that mean something to their families and communities. Traditions are totally optional, as they might be meaningful, but ultimately have no effect on the guests. There are no rules for which traditions must be followed. as you said, you can get married wherever you like, with or without religion or certain symbols, as long as the legal bits are covered. People might have opinions on this (my family realllly want me to have fruitcake, ew. no), but there is no right or wrong.

Etiquette is a set of rules ( and the Emily Post link Val posted is considered the Gold Standard) that are considered non- negotiable in properly hosting guests. Etiquette will vary on a larger scale, such as between countries, but in North America, there are rules such as providing meals for guests at meal times, being considerate of comfort and sending thank you notes. Etiquette applies any time we host guests, not just for weddings. When we choose to host a wedding where we will have guests, it is assumed according to North American social norms that etiquette will be followed. In these cases, there is a right and wrong, because proper hosting is a socially accepted norm.

I never said that YOU were conceited and rude, I said crossing that line is where you would come off that way. I should have said where "one" would come off conceited and rude, that way there was no misinterpretation. And I never said it was YOUR way or your rules. This Emily may have been writing books since before my grandma was born, but that doesn't mean she's right either. One persons opinion or view is not better another's. Especially in the world we live in today.

They are not my rules, Emily Post has been writing etiquette books since the 1920's. The rules are how to properly host guests. And all of those things you listed would be perfectly fine!! You provided dinner for the people who were there to witness your ceremony, if sloppy Joe's are your thing then cool! So it's not MY way. And while I've been completely civil and polite, it's pretty disrespectful to tell me I'm conceited and rude for informing you that rules do, in fact, exist.

No. There are things that you may think are wrong. Does not make them so. You can post some website all you want to. There are no rules for weddings. There are laws that must be abided to be legally married, but rules do not exist. I can have my wedding in a creek, invite the 2 witnesses that need to be there (legally), and have sloppyjoes back home for supper if I wanted to. There are no rules. And crossing that line saying you're way is the right way, that's where you're going to come off as conceited and rude.

There are actually a set of rules that exist
http://emilypost.com/advice-type/wedding/ . Different cultures may do things differently and some items are more accepted is doesn't regions, but over all... etiquette rules do exist. And sorry but some things are wrong.

But you also have to keep in mind that one persons set of rules and guidelines of etiquette could be very different from another persons. I'm discovering that this is immensely true just between my FH and I. We have very different "rules" and traditions that we always thought were the way to do it and we've both quickly come to realize that we are both going to have to comprimise. Just because people don't do things how one thinks they should be done doesn't make either party wrong. There are no set "rules" for weddings. Every single one is different. And everyone is going to have an opionion on that. The way one portrays their opionion is what will be deemed as rude or offensive. Your way is no better than mine. Opinions and suggestions are welcome, being told that what I'm doing is wrong is not.

Nailing it as usual! Completely agree Melissa

I think there might be some confusion around what constitutes differing opinions and what consitutes disrespect. Honest opinions are not rude. No one has to agree all the time, and really, just because something isn't said sweetly does not make it mean. Sometimes constructive feedback is really just feedback. If a person does not want honest feedback, then I would suggest not posting on the internet to a group of strangers.

Things that are rude:

Name calling

Not saying please and thank you

Belittling a person

Cursing at people

Disregard for various cultural differences

Cutting lines at the grocery store

Things that are not rude:

Critiquing an idea

Pointing out a different point of view

Blunt comments

Debating

Agreeing with an unpopular opinion

I think it is really important in a growing community to recognise that we will not always agree, and people don't need to be sugary sweet at all times. It is weird to agree all the time-something about differences making the world go 'round? Remember no one here knows one another, or will be affected by anything anyone else does at their wedding...feedback is only given to help someone who might be failing to see the many sides of a situation. Seeing different perspectives can prevent brides with tunnel vision from making bad choices that will hurt their friends and family or guests in general...sometimes brides become a bit self absorbed and forget that their wedding is not, in fact, all about them.

Your welcome, Emilie! Always a pleasure! I agree that when people are giving advice that is should be directed in a respectful and empathetic tone. A person may perceive the advice on how is sounds to them and may take offence as a result. From what I learned interpretation based on electronic means, does not always support the initial tone of what person intends. Hence the importance in writing and revising ideas to make sure ideas that being said and the tone is in the correct.

Unfortunately it's near impossible to ever have the FULL picture in any post someone makes. It's so unfortunate that disagreeing is seen as being disrespectful and unsympathetic. No one likes being told that their idea may not be proper or polite, but I think it's important for people to know, weddings are not like family reunions and they typically follow a different set of rules. It's unfortunate that the voices of people trying to help others understand etiquette are being censored and dismissed as rude, disrespectful and unsympathetic. I very much wish our community could be more open to constructive criticisms.

Thannks Chelsea! I'm glad you're feeling well surrounded in here Can't wait to read your next ideas!

Hi Valerie, you're always here to help and you have a kind heart. You're minding not only the brides in the community but also their entourage I think that it's important to say what you think, but sometimes, we don't know the whole story, only the part the we're being told. The voice of reason has to come from the bride herself, we're here to give different perspectives, ideas, but not to tell people what is good or bad given that we don't know the whole situation. I think this is why it's important to do it with respect and empathy.

Hey Simone! Thanks for being part of it I'm super happy you're all making friends in here, so am I !

Thanks so much Stephanie! You all bring so much to the community and I'm glad I can be a part of it too and make your days and planning more fun!

Hey Lisa! I'm really happy to hear you've made good friends in here! This is amazing and it's a great support that you all give to each other! And yes, it's good to give different opinions and I think the best way to get that message accross it to it with respect and empathy to empower each other

You're welcome Kacy! I'm glad you like this community too! I'm very happy to read you in here and see thgat you're always here to help!

Thanks for posting this Em! I definitely feel like I have met some incredible brides who are here to help and support one another! It is nice to know you can talk to people about what you are going through!