Picking bridesmaids - advice needed

All I wanted was a little advice with an issue I had while planning my wedding. Yet when I asked a question looking for help/input on an issue I was trying to sort out, all I received were rude comments from some of you.

I have many girlfriends that I have told over the years that if I were to get married I would definitely consider them for bridesmaids and none of them seemed to be offended by this at all.

Chelsea, I’d like to thank you because while you gave me your honest opinion, you did it in a way that wasn’t rude, condescending or attacking. Furthermore, you stood up for me when others like Valerie and Lindsey were no longer “just being honest” but instead were being harsh and critical.

For Valerie to write “How about standing up for the person being put down for daring to have a colour hair that clashed with the dresses! But ya... we definitely needed to be called out for calling attention to it... we were out of line and I'm so glad we can all see the error of our ways now! The internet can go back to being a "safe space" where we coddle all and only say that every idea is the best ever! And yes, if 10 different people all confirm something is wrong, it helps to see the solution.” doesn’t make sense, and at no point did I put my friend down, I just made a comment that I thought that dress colour doesn’t necessarily work with her hair colour. Furthermore, what “solution” did you give me? Add a fourth to the party? I’d already thought about that, but it just makes things even more difficult as my FH would then need to add a fourth to his side. Also, if you don’t see that the way you word things comes off as harsh I really think you need to reread your posts. Also, regarding the “safe space” comment, that’s somewhat what this forum is for. It was designed to let future brides ask other future, or even past, brides for advice on issues that arise, so maybe consider that when you respond to people with your negative and condescending messages. Also, seeing as you’re unaware of all the information, maybe instead of judging so quickly you should probe for more information. Regarding your comment about me not responding to absolutely all comments, I was busy, and when I finally got around to responding to a message you were very quick to jump down my throat about only responding to the one which was actually helpful and asked questions before giving a full opinion. It was very helpful! And one last thing - to say “Nothing was rude, maybe a TOUCH on the harsh side... but barely! We only even went there because we were genuinely shocked that someone would consider not having a dear friend (…)” I never mentioned she was a “dear friend” and even said that lately I feel closer to this other friend. And to say it “may be a TOUCH on the harsh side…but barely” is you admitting that you’re being harsh and yet you still can’t seem to see that.

Lindsey was a little more helpful at first and then for some reason joined the bandwagon and wouldn’t stop. Comments like “I remember my first day on the internet” are just plain inappropriate and uncalled for. It’s condescending. Also, a comment like, “I think we should be honest and not sugar coat things though. If you're seeking advice I think you should be prepared to hear things you don't want to and we should not be just rubber stamping poor choices in the sake of being "nice". That's not very helpful long term,” is assuming I wasn’t prepared to hear opinions that differ from mine, but to follow it up by saying you shouldn’t sugar coat things for the sake of being “nice” , is a clear statement of being the complete opposite. There are ways to give differing opinions and offer advice without coming off as rude and/or condescending. All of which you have done and with no valid reason. Sure no one attacked me as a person, but that is shy of where you stopped attacking. Lastly, to be as rude as you were to Chelsea with a comment like “Bye Felicia” was also inappropriate, rude, and unnecessary. She was one of the few that was honest in the right way.

This post has gotten out of hand considering I was just asking for some simple advice. I’d like to thank those that took the time to answer this thread appropriately and considerately, so thank you Louise, Chelsea and Emilie! In the end, this has given me plenty to think about, but I just wish that some of you had gone about it in a more constructive and helpful manner. This whole thing has left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth and makes me reluctant to want to post again.

Hindsight is 20-20. Good luck!

Oh I completely agree, I have to be very thoughtful and kind. I kinda really wish I would have kept my mouth shut. Should not have talked about it at all before we were actually planning. But you live and you learn.
My sister was kind of iffy with the whole MOH thing to begin with. I think she was slightly hurt by me "unasking" her, but I explained why and she seemed to be completely fine with it once we talked about it. I did still feel bad though. Her and I are extremely close. So we've already talked about me re-asking her if my friend says no.
I know I definitely have to talk to my 3rd girl... and soon

How about standing up for the person being put down for daring to have a colour hair that clashed with the dresses! But ya... we definitely needed to be called out for calling attention to it... we were out of line and I'm so glad we can all see the error of our ways now! The internet can go back to being a "safe space" where we coddle all and only say that every idea is the best ever!

And yes, if 10 different people all confirm something is wrong, it helps to see the solution

Like I said to the original poster- be very careful! You can hurt people really badly in situations like this. It can ruin relationships or cause a lot of resentment. If you damage a relationship with these women, you will be living with the concequences long after your wedding.

Personally, I would not have unasked anyone, it is considered very rude. I am very glad your sister seems to have taken it well. If your MOH choice declines, think long and hard before you "replace" her. It might feel like a real slap to your sister it be literally, the second pick...That is how I would feel.

I think if you are going to "unask" the third friend you shuld do it sooner rather than later, the longer she goes on thinking she is in your wedding party, the harder the disappointment will hit. And again, be aware that she might be very hurt, and my take it badly.

Good for you. I will continue to stand up for what I believe in and when I see multiple people putting someone down, I have no problem calling them out on it. She didn't need 10 different people telling her she is wrong, what she did was weird, she is at fault ect. And like I said the way you word something can change how something sounds.

I'm kind of in a similar situation... before FH and I even got engaged (we knew it was going to happen, just didn't know when) I had talked to 3 girls about being my BMs, one of them being my sister. Now that we're actually engaged, we've decided we only want a MOH and BestMan. I've already talked to my sister, who I had originally asked to be my MOH and she was alright giving it up. But I haven't talked to either of the other girls yet. One of them is my best friend from high school, and that's who I plan on asking to be my MOH. If she turns it down, then I will be re-asking my sister. I'm not sure how or when I'll get around to talking to the other girl, but we have it worked out to only having the one pair, and that's what we want to go with

I'm with Valerie on this one.

okay there Valerie.

Hi Marcie,

I think it would be great to include your step-daughter! They don't really NEED to interact with each other much to be able to have them both in the wedding party. Hopefully they can manage to put on a smile and be civil for your sake, they don't have to be BFF's to stand next to each other and be in the same room a few times.

Most of my BM's have only been in the same place once in the 10 months of planning.

How old is she? A very younhd step daughter (flower girl) or more of a bridesmaid age?

Maybe make a post and we can all jump in there to help you brainstorm (rather than taking up this one). But I think the ages of these ladies will make a difference. Grown women need to get over that stuff and cooperate for your on your wedding day. Younger ladies might need a more delicate approach

I called her out for not responding to ANYTHING other than 1 simple question out of the 8 or so comments. Also she didn't "owned up" to anything, that would require a response. Nothing was rude, maybe a TOUCH on the harsh side... but barely! We only even went there because we were genuinely shocked that someone would consider not having a dear friend stand up and be a BM for them because of some arbitrary physical characteristic. You would be appaled if the example were someone considering not having their friend be a BM because they were overweight and she really envisioned the girls in thin sleek dresses, it's silly, but it's just their dream! It often takes people really speaking out for someone to self reflect, I hope that's the case. Because at the end of the day who she has in her wedding holds no bearing on my life, but I just hope to help someone take a step back and see how their actions might have hurt their own friendships. Rude would have been just saying like "wtf are you kidding me?", but we all offered solid advise to help her navigate the tricky situation she has gotten into.

If you think the responses she got were so harsh and "rude", then you could have offered up your sugar coated version and hope that went over better, but at the end of the day, we aren't wrong...

I am having bridal party issues as well want step daughter to be in wedding party and fiance cousin problem is step daughter doesn't like cousin

And I agree that she made a mistake and she owned up to it. You literally called her out for not answering your question or replying on your post. The way people word things can change the outcome of how something sounds. And the way people commented on this post, it sounds rude and harsh. I didn't need to offer more advice because I think she already got an earful and I was just being honest like everyone else.

No one is being rude, just honest. I am hoping that by being honest we can avoid seeing a post about a ruined friendship in the future- because that would be horrible.

I think we should be honest and not sugar coat things though. If you're seeking advice I think you should be prepared to hear things you don't want to and we should not be just rubber stamping poor choices in the sake of being "nice". That's not very helpful long term.
No one attacked her character or said unkind things about her as a person

I get where everyone is coming from but maybe take it a bit easy on her. You all are attacking her and saying some harsh things. Sure she shouldn't have mentioned it to her friend and now she is stuck in a tough spot, however she came here asking for some advice on what to do. Not for everyone to tell her how she is completely in the wrong and for everyone to be rude to her.

Hi Erin, that's definitely a hard one. I agree with Louise, I think it's important to consider your friend's feelings to preserve your friendship above all else. Could you have 4 bridesmaids instead of 3?

If you told someone you would consider them, I would then have both of them as one would be hurt.

Okay. At the end of the day- do as you wish but just think of her feelings no matter what you decide

Oh good, you're only responding to that one question that barely addresses the issue!! And red heads can totally wear red!!

She seemed neutral happy if that makes sense.

"Its your wedding, do what you want" has limits... One of those limits is hurting other people's feelings... It may only have been mentioned in passing, but telling someone you are considering them is the same as asking them... If the friendship means anything to you, you will have to have her, otherwise you risk losing a friend... I am sympathetic to your problem, I made a rash decision when we got engaged and told FH that I would have his friend as a BM, he asked her before I could tell him I changed his mind... Now I have a BM that I don't know and technically didn't ask... She will never know that I don't want her, nor will I treat her any different than the BMs I picked... Eventuality I may even stop chastising Troy for jummping the gun, lol.

I don't understand what hair colour has to do with anything- it should be more about having your dearest friends with you. You can still have red dresses- Bridesmaids only "hard requirement" is to wear the colour/ dress you pick! the rest are nice bonuses!

I agree with the rest of the brides comments. You already said something you can't really back peddle now , in my opinion. In the end, what's more important? the colour of someone's hair and dress or their friendship. Weddings are just one day, and although one of the greatest days of your life, friends and family should still make top of your list of priorities. Hope this helps!

That seems like a realllllly bad reason not to include her if you ask me.....:/ pretty much her hair would clash? And you're more concerned with that than damaging the friendship?
It seems like you've made up your mind so just don't have her in the wedding if you don't want.

She probably hasn't said anything because she was insulted that you told her she was "being considered!". Choosing your bridesmaids should have absolutely zero to do with their physical appearance! I personally would rather have my good friends standing with me that pick the shade of the colour I want.

I completely agree with Melissa and Lindsey. You were at fault to say that in passing. I would be super offended and upset if that was me.
You should find a role for her in your wedding as you mentioned it already. Keeping your relationship/friendship is what is important.
How did she seem when you had this conversation? Was she excited, happy or neutral?

Ya I'm with Lindsey, it is weird to say you are "considering" them, sounds like a job interview. If you feel close to her ask her, if you don't feel like you are that close then just leave it alone and send an invite when the time comes. She likely won't bring it up.