Party Planning PTSD

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Thanks for the recommendation! I'll try it out tonight!

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Kids/Tweens/Teens are savages!

I've been using the "Breathe" app (the picture is a little cloud) and I've enjoyed the guided meditations. They also have a "check-in" option that lets you tell them how you're feeling physically and emotionally, and recommends different meditations based on what you've put in. You can purchase add-ons, but the free stuff is good!

So this exact same thing happened to me at my 8th birthday party and I'll never forget it. I honestly just try to remember that things are different now and I have people in my life who love me and will show up to my wedding.

However, funny that you mention meditation since it's something I plan to start as per a new years resolution (haven't found an app for it yet tho).

This is an unfortunate situation that I am sure many of us have faced. However at the end of the day you are lucky enough to be marrying the love of your life! All the little things will not matter and when a few guests don't make it you probably won't even notice.

I feel the same way sometimes: been hurt in the past and it leads to not wanting to be in the same situation again.

I had been told by EVERYONE to expect that people will RSVP yes and then won’t come to the wedding, so I was expecting it. And, to be honest, I didn’t even notice that they weren’t there because I was too focused on those that were there!

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Lol Hope it helps!

View quoted message Screenshotting this for later reading during stressful times lmao

View quoted message Exactly. People will definitely come to be part of the moment but there’s people who will come and not stay for the end; people who will RSVP and still not make it; my highest level of anxiety is actually my bridal party as well because my friends aren’t exactly the most dependable bunch (I had to go dress shopping alone because my friends cancelled) so I’m always worrying about their ability to be on time for something so important. Just trying to mentally prep myself as well. At least I know others are doing the same lol

Yikes! That seems pretty much like any time I tried to plan anything in high school... or even as an adult now, to be honest.

The big difference is... it's your WEDDING. People know the significance of that... and it's not the accountability of a bunch of 18 year olds, it's adults, who have committed to functions and shown up many times before.

There will be flakes... 100%... but probably like, one loosey-goosey cousin... or someone's plus one. Not 50% of your friends and family!

IT WILL BE OKAY! and I'm sure you could always get a few Quebecois brides on here willing to rush over if you have empty seats to fill

That is so unfortunate that that happened to you! I saw someone else say it, but teenagers are flaky, I know I was too but I would try to let the person know ahead of time that I was flaking. Now I know that if I say I'm going to something, I make it happen!

Also most people know that weddings are a big deal so they wouldn't dream of flaking - Whenever I talk to someone about the wedding, I hype it up so people get excited about it!

When I get stressed about the planning, I take a digital detox where most of my planning happens and focus on something else, like my neglected housework lol. I also use deep breathing and do a muscle relaxation exercise where you clench up a muscle for 10 seconds, and then release, starting from my jaw and ending at my toes.

At the end of the day, I'm marrying the love of my life, no matter if there was only us!

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I have a feeling our nights ended in similar fashion!

Deep down, I think it's one of the many reasons why we nixed having a bridal party, because I just felt like my girlfriends wouldn't want to me part of that. I know, I know, it's ridiculous.

I feel like I'm trying to protect my FH from being disappointed by reminding him that not everyone will come to our wedding. Trying to be realistic. I guess, organizing it, I have to face the numbers and the logistics of it all. I can't wait for the day to actually happen, so that I can live it and enjoy it with my FH.

I FEEL YOU 110%.

I had a 20th birthday party and reserved THREE private booths at a nightclub; I had almost 40 confirmed guests and on the night of my birthday there was a massive snowstorm and I kid you not, THREE people showed. My own roommate at the time didn’t even show. I was absolutely crushed and the promoter secretely added double shots to all of my drinks - I only remembered crying in the car home and yelling “thaaankssss feeerr cominggg guysss” before going home to throw up and forget the night ever happened. And now that you posted that, I realized that I NEVER threw another birthday party ever again other than a casual dinner. I totally and completely get this feeling and I’ve expressed to my FH that we should NOT be expecting a 90-100% turnout; he thinks all of his family will definitely be showing up but I’ve been saying that is a negative.

Honestly; thanks to my selfishness I’ve literally talked myself into believing that the day is SO much about me and him and our immediate loved ones that I couldn’t care less who else shows. That’s my weird but efficient coping mechanism which applies to most of my life. Lmao.

This is not a good feeling to have and to go forward in life. I can imagine how your thinking this process is and to have repeat the last party.

I know there are some things that we don't want to hear. Your wedding day should be a true celebration that your guests will show given 20% declining. Think about your family and his family being present and supporting you all the way. Its hard and to know your FH is there beside you through the process. Family is also your support team and to help wherever is needed at your request.

I hope throughout all this anxiety, things turn around and turn out the way you envision you day.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that!

I think it's horribly rude for people to just be no shows at events, especially planned dinners or outtings like that where you're planning on covering people! That's on them for being super inconsiderate and not on you!

Now again! You can't control people! And sometimes things happen! It sucks but that's life! I don't think you have anything to be worried about! a wedding RSVP is a lot more important and people know that! Since plates can cost upwards of a $100.00!

I understand your anxiety and wanting to try and stay distant from another disappointment, but you have your FH and your friends and family who you can count on!

For me dealing with anxiety... I'm one of those lucky ones where a shower and a nice hot cup of tea helps me relax! Relax and evaluate your emotions and feelings! They are all valid! We can't help our emotions but we can help how we react to them! Good luck!

I'm sorry you had to go through that, Valérie.

There's already some great advice and suggestions on here. I'll add the Calm app. Just the free version, not the premium. The breathing tab lets you choose different breathing patterns to help you calm your nervous system. The one I use the most is 'square' or 'tactical' breathing. In for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. You can change the four seconds up to whatever works for you at that point. (I think the app is set to 2 or 3 seconds.) This is also a tool we've been taught in our Road to Mental Readiness workshop (mental health focus) for first responders.

Good luck with it and (in my best Dory impression) "Just keep breathing, just keep breathing..."

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I'm so sorry you two had to experience that.

At some point, we're all going to have to take a leap of faith and let go! We can't control the outcome, but we can control how we face the situation. I've learned a lot with all of your responses. It's just that letting go is so damn hard haha.

On a note of coping - Something I saw on 'Bull' last night was interesting. I'm not sure if it's proven scientifically or just anecdotally (need to do some more research) - Try counting out of order. Your brain switches from focusing on the cause of the panic/anxiety to focusing on "WTF is wrong with these numbers!?"

Like... 1, 2, 3, 7, 5, 19, 21

Or 7, 8, 9, 11, 3, 22

I have absolutely been there - so has my fiancé. He and I had both stopped having birthday parties (He was in his early 20's, and I stopped when I was about 14) because people never came. Since we got together, I've managed to throw him two surprise parties that had tons of people show up at them (30+ people at each of them).

That's helped to alleviate his anxiety a lot; I still have mine. I'm sure people will come to the wedding for him, not for me, but he tells me I'm wrong.

I have coped by letting people know how amazing/fun the wedding will be - I've let them know the menu ahead of time (Tacos, because who doesn't love tacos?!), and a midnight supper of a gourmet hotdog buffet, I've let them know about the huuuuuge candy buffet I have planned (I have 1200 mini chocolate bars for the chocolate component and will be adding about 150 lbs of gummy candy closer to the wedding), that our DJ plans to play music until the wee hours of the morning (4 or 5 am if people are still dancing!), and that there is enough alcohol and non-alcoholic drinks to get people through the whole night. We've made it very clear we just want it to be one big, fun night - and I think people will appreciate that.

I'm way more stressed that people won't come to my bachelorette party.

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Snuggle time is the best time! I can't wait for the holidays and to just disconnect for 2 weeks and get all the snuggles possible!

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Yeah, it hasn't been easy now that we're under 1 year from the wedding date! Oh I hadn't heard of that trick (pinch/snap), I'll give that a try.
Thank you for your kind words

When I feel overwhelmed I usually run to my FH for support and to try and put things into perspective for me. Usually we just put it down for the rest of the day and have a snuggle hours while watching tv before doing anything else (still not planning though - I usually give it a day or two but not much more as it would give me more stress and anxiety to keep leaving it).

I don't have any apps but I do write lists. I write down all that is bothering me or worrying me first, and then go through them one at a time and ask myself if there is anything that I can do to fix it. If no - I have to let it go. If yes - how can I fix it?

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Thank you very very much!
I get in my head (a lot) and that topic is still a very sensitive one, but you're right. That was then, this is now!

I’m so sorry that happened to you. Things like that can really damage a persons self esteem long term. So I completely understand how that can cause you to be hesitant when planning. When I get panic and anxiety attackts, I pinch myself, or use a hair tie around my wrist and snap it. I need something to snap me out of it. If it’s just stress, move your thoughts in a different direction. Try and think more logical and talk yourself out of the bad outcome your thoughts are dragging you too. Teenagers aren’t the most thoughtful creatures lol. They would all feel terrible now knowing how bad it has had an affect on you. We all feel bad for something we did back then. Your friends and family love you and will be there for you! I promise!

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I laughed out loud at your alcohol part! The holidays can't come soon enough!!

Thank you

I’m not a meditator either. But similarly to Jennifer if I can feel the anxiety building, I stop what I’m doing and come back to it later on once I’m feeling less anxious, whether that’s later the same day or in a couple of days.

For you, honestly whenever you feel like that just try to remember that teenagers are so flaky and most of the time don’t give other people’s feelings a second thought. But your wedding day is about you and your hubby bringing your families together. It’s about the people like your parents who told you to pull together that night and they would pay for it because they love and care about you. You might have a couple of flakes but people don’t really flake as much with weddings cause they know how expensive they can be. You’ll get a few but not many.

I wish you the best with all your planning!

I'm not one to meditate at all. but if I find i'm getting anxious/losing my mind. I legit shut down whatever I am planning. I close WW, my excel template, pinterest. whatever it may be.

and if i'm at home...I usually take a LARGE swig of an alcoholic drink. hahahah

I try my best not to do any more looking at whatever it was for a couple of days. just until the stress of it is out of my head.