Multiple events

Hi Tiffany

I'm so sorry this discussion took such a different direction! I'm sure you'll know what's best for your guests! It's true that from an etiquette perspective, it's not quite usual but you can definitely make your own rules and choose what's best for your wedding! If you're having problems with your guest list, I also thought I could share with you these discussions to help you out:

How many people did you have on your first guest list?

10 questions to cut down your guest list

I am also closing this discussion for the direction that it has taken, feel free to write to me if there's anything! And if you need our help just start a discussion and we'll be there for you

Hi Valerie

Like I just explained to Melissa, I'm glad you shared your opinion in this discussion and it's great that you know etiquette so well! It's good to have different opinions but ultimately, every bride decides how they want to have their wedding and know the people around them better than we do I'm sure we'll all do what's best for us and our families for our weddings!

I am closing this discussion because we've seen both opinions clearly and the community is not a place for judging but sharing.

Hi Melissa

I'm glad you shared your opinion from an etiquette point of view. I don't think that's what Tiffany was originally asking for though and it's good to have different opinions but ultimately, like you said, she can either follow the rules or make new ones! I'm sure you can relate to how difficult it is to make a guest list and in the end everyone finds their own way to make things work out! That's the beauty of weddings! They're so unique to each one of us!

I am closing this discussion because I think we've seen both opinions clearly and the community is not a place for judging but rather sharing.

Hi Tiffany,

I'm sorry it got off topic but we were simply trying to help you find an alternative options. Of course you should talk to your cousin, but I can guarantee no one will have complained to her about it. Absolutely no one walks up to the bride at her wedding and tells her what an awful time they are having, it would be unforgivable. And often no one says anything to their face afterwards either, it's just impolite.

At the end of the day none of us are going to your wedding, so it ultimately won't effect us in the slightest. We are an unbiased opinion, but an opinion none the less. You can choose to do whatever you'd like and if it is how things are done in your circles and how you want to do it, then by all means! We are only trying to help you because we care about the brides that pass through the forums. We did offer you constructive critisims, which is a big difference than just putting down your ideas. Take them or leave them as you like.

I'm glad you figured out your spreadsheet. Best of luck in your planning

This has gone way off topic from what I originally wanted to know, and after people decided to criticize my idea of how to keep the number of guests down based on what I have seen in other weddings, and tell me what I should do, I wanted to know whether I should have an expanded guest list for the ceremony and reception or reception only. Personally as a mother, I would be offended if someone invited me and told me to leave my kids at home. I know this is done, but it goes against my beliefs. This just shows that everyone has a different idea of what's acceptable and what's not. When I mentioned the idea of excluding aunts and uncles from the supper to my fiance he has the same opinion as me: we really want to include them. So, the question becomes whether we''e excluding all the cousins from everything or inviting them to the reception (or reception and ceremony). My point in talking with his cousin was simple: If it worked for her and she didn't have complaints then we won't either because it's the same family! If she had complaints then we can rre-think it.
Back to my original reason for posting, I've decided to use a spreadsheet and I was able to break down the numbers better to see how many guests we were looking at inviting for each section. So thank you for your guys input on the spreadsheet idea.

What you describe is exactly what I have seen back home. It was a church ceremony with lots of people invited, a supper at a separate place with only select people, and the reception after at a hall that included everyone again. In ffact my family ( I was a kid) was invited to the ceremony and reception only. The difference is that I grew up in a rural area so people didn't really have a place to go to eat unless it was back at their own home, which is what we did.
I was also just thinking if we could do the wedding followed directly by the meal and then leave for pictures it would give some time between the supper/meal and the reception if I don't want people having to wait for people to finish supper before entering for the reception. And I agree, it's whatever will work for you as everyone and everyone's family is different so what might not bother one, someone else could be bothered by it. It's a game of balance it seems.

Ultimately people will do whatever they like- and that is fine. I don't think that several events and seperate guest lists is a very common, or well known way of doing things, and I think will lead to confusion.

If you are able to make it work and not upset people- all the better.

Where I have seen this before the ceremony site (church in the morning) is different from the supper and reception site (hall in the evening). these are the invites with a bunch of inserts and one would be a ceremony invite with time and location. And one would be a reception at a different time and location. Sometimes there would be a comment that indicates that supper is for family only so you know you are feeding yourself. but you can usually figure it out from the time being later. I have been invited as an out of town guest and as a local in this fashion and I didn't think it was rude or mean. I understood that it was the difference between being invited to the celebration and no being invited. I appreciated being included. Also it is usually a largish group so they usually end up going out for supper or drinks and appies before the reception. I have also attended weddings where there was an open invite to the ceremony and then a small group for supper and a slightly larger group for the ceremony.

This is my experience and my opinion is do what works for you!

I've been invited to weddings where I was invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the supper more than once. I think it was more common maybe 15 years ago. I wasn't offended, I was a friend that they wanted to celebrate with but they only had immediate family and close friends for the supper.

If you are inviting a guest to the ceremony and reception, I would not exclude them from dinner. Asking a guest to leave and come back just seems very rude, no matter how you divide it.

I noticed Val suggested a brunch- that ight be a great way in include everyone you want at a lower cost.

I do understand not wanting to narrow the list down further- we cut all children from our list, and cousins who are not of age, and sacrificed many friends from our lists. The guest list is hard to make, but I don't think that including everyone for only the cheaper parts of the event is the solution. Guest will be confused by an invite for only the two parts, and will likely expect a meal, if the hours fall during a mealtime... I jhust don't understand how the plan would wor without confusion and hurt feelings and hungry guests.

Another possible solution could be to have a brunch reception! If you had your ceremony early and had a brunch reception for everyone, the cost would be much more manageable and you wouldn't have to leave anyone out. Alcohol bill would be smaller too because you could do mostly mimosa's and a signature drink. Like a garden party.

Not sure if that's your style, just trying to think of other possibilities you have to try and let you have the wedding you dream of with making as few sacrafices as possible

I understand, guests lists are the hardest part of a wedding. No one truly wants to leave anyone out, but it's an unfortunate reality of planning a wedding sometimes. I know quite a few people who didn't invite kids of cousins (because the guest list tends to explode at that point). You might be able to find more venues available to you with a smaller guest list as well. I know a lot of venues we looked at maxed out at 150.

I'm really sorry to hear about some of your immediate family possibly not coming, that is always hard (and hurtful) to deal with.

And yes I completely agree with you, if your FH has any relationship with his dad's side of the family you should absolutely extend an invite (even if thy may not accept).

For which part or all of it?
Setting it to only aunts and uncles for the supper was our way of pairing the list down. The problem is that there are some cousins that we'd like to include but we don't feel it's fair to pick and choose. That's why we cut all of them out of the supper. But like I said, most that would show up are from his Mom's side not his Dad's. The number would be 85 invited guests for supper, but not all would show up. We felt that was a manageable number. Cutting out the aunts and uncles ( I just did a rough count in my head) would actually make it about 30 od 40 people, so that's not bad either. I thought that some of his aunts and uncles, especially on his Mom's side, would get hurt by not being invited since their such a close family.

I will consider all options, but I'm limited in the number of venues available since we're trying to figure out the best place to get married and I would like to share the day with more than just immediate family for the supper. Some of my family will be coming from Nova Scotia and will need a place to stay while here. Only 1 bridesmaid lives nearby (and that's an hour from me), and my fiane's family lives an hour and a half in the opposite direction, which is where most people will be coming from. I can only find 5 venues in that area so that it's half way between, and we don't really like any of them. So I'm thought of having it close to his family in another area where there are hotels to stay at but I haven't found many venues there either. We could pick and choose what cousins are invited, but that excludes people. His Mom's side of the family are big on family gatherings and regularly get together throughout the year where everyone is invited. Most close friends are in the wedding party anyway, but their spouses and children would be invited. The cousins are all the kids from his aunts and uncles, and they have kids. What I was going to ask his cousin was if the cousins we're invited to the ceremony or just the reception (some people cancelled and a couple cousins we're invited to take their place).
I can go through the immediate family and see how that would work for ceremony and supper but I'd feel like I was leaving g people out, and I don't know that it would feel the same for me. Especially since only a couple of my immediate family will likely even make it. My grandma won't, and my fiance's grandparents already passed away. My Dad likely won't even be there. He didn't go to my brother's wedding.
I'm not saying that your suggestions were bad or that I'm not considering them. All I'm saying is that I was going to see if cousins should be invited to the reception only, or another way that I could make it work. I haven't seen too many times where his Dad's side took part in anything, and we've been together 7 years and I haven't met most of his Dad's side anyway. We just didn't want to exclude them if we are including the other side.

Personally, I think it would be better to cut the guest list to a more manageable number. Never easy, but ultimately will be a better experience for your guests.

Sorry but just because someone else did it also doesn't make it less of a breech in etiquette. I at least hope you truly consider another option (and Melissa and I have suggested some great alternatives), as I think this way would be very hurtful to some of your guests

I think I'll talk to my fiance's cousin because I know the wedding, supper and ceremony were all in one place, and only aunts and uncles were invited to the supper but cousins we're invited to the reception, pretty much what we were thinking and it's the same family.

Valerie actually managed to describe my wedding plans and reasonaing really well!

We are having a small ceremony in the early afternoon with only our parents, siblings and grandparents present. We are the have an early dinner with just that group- there will be 14 of us, including the photographers!

After that we will have some time in between, probably for pictures, and make our way to the reception venue. We are inviting all of our family and friends to arrive there for 7:30 pm, where we will make an entrance and be annouced for the first time as a married couple. We will be providing passed appetizers, drinks and a late night menu for the guests who come to our reception.

To avoid hurting feelings we did keep the list of people attendng the ceremony to strictly immediate family. That way no single aunt, uncle or friend is treated "better" than anyone else.

We are having our meal at a location several kilometers away from the reception venue, because I would feel really horrible having guests arrive to see us eating with a "special" group, and have to walk by us that way.

I understand the tough choices- having a balance that fits a budget, involves everyone you care about and manages not to hurt feelings is hard! But I think it is important to consider how guests might feel if they are asked to leave at mealtime

250, that's a huge guest list!

I know Melissa is doing her wedding as a very small private ceremony for close family and then having a meal with them. Then hours later having an "after party" type set up at another location. I think this is the best way to politely handle that situation.

Again if I think about this as a guest, if I was told the ceremony was for immediate family only and then there was a party later that night with drinks and dancing I would be much less hurt about being excluded.

I also think a key to this setup would be to have the meal at a difference location from the reception. Otherwise it would be very awkward if guests arrived early and were told they had to wait until the others were done eating before they could come in.

Melissa would be able to offer more helpful input on the details of pulling off this type of event without hurting anyone's feelings. I think it can be done, but wedding etiquette can be tricky enough as it is sometimes.

I had seen this at weddings growing up. Basically the guest list including close friends, and family with only as far as first cousins we're north of 250 people, way too many for supper, but we don't want to exclude people. With only close friends, immediate family and aunts and uncles we're at 85 people, more manageable for supper. Would it be better to exclude them from the ceremony too and only invite them for the reception? The jack and jill is because I'm not from around here so that's more for my side that can't make it to the wedding.

I completely agree with Melissa. I know you didn't ask for help on that topic, but you may just be unaware of the etiquette. As a guest it would be very hurtful to be invited to your ceremony, then have to go out and find my own food nearby while the seemingly more important guests are eating dinner with you and your new husband. Then come back after they're done so that I can party with you.

I understand the people who attend the Jack and Jill are not always invited to the wedding, but I am a bit confused about how some guests will attend your ceremony, but not the dinner and then come back for the reception. Is this a customary way to do things in your social circle? Typically that would be very confusing, and considered poor etiquitte.

Hey, thanks everyone for the help! And I too am a lover of spreadsheets, I use them for everything. I also saw and have used the groups in the app, but I have the groups setup differently. Some people will be invited to multiple events. So, some are invited to the jack and Jill, the wedding, supper and reception; some invited to only the jack and jill; some invited to the wedding, supper and reception, some the wedding and reception only. I Google it and saw on weddingwire.com you can create households (useful for invitions) and multiple events and was wondering if the same was possible here. Is there a way to store a spreadsheet in the app, almost have an attachment?

Hi Tiffany!! Welcome to the community!

I'm so glad you're reaching out! I know how hard big families can be to manage! But don't worry there's definitely something you can do here.

If you're using the My Guests tool, you can create different groups for each of your events to help you manage all this. I created this discussion to help you do it: How To Create Groups in My Guest List

Do you find this helpful?

I'm so glad you also got help from Melissa, Valerie and Simone!! You'll see we're quite a nice community! Always there for each other! How are your preparations going so far?

Hi Tiffany, I agree with Melissa and Valerie's suggestion!

Hey Tiffany,

I'm going to skip over the inviting people to only parts of your wedding part and just agree with Melissa on the awesomeness of spreadsheets! Just have your guests info and add a column per event and mark what they are coming to.

Hi Tiffnay,

Welcome to our community!

Im not entirely clear on the timeline you are planning for your wedding- a ceremony followed by reception and dinner? How many groups do you need to break into?

I am not sure how to do this on the WeddingWire app- but I am a big fan of spreadsheets. You could list events aross the top, and the guests below, or list guests and have a chart running beside them to indicate yes or no for an invite to the wedding/ Jack and Jill/ shower....If this makes no sense I can try to draft one up for you!

Let me know if you need any help at all Looking forward to updates