Help issues with a groomsman

View quoted message I want to thank you for what you call an unpopular opinion and it took lots of strength to voice it. I recently took a course around personal growth and I’ve had a context shift on my opinion of my fiancé’s best man. I was letting things get in my way and was using the fact that I felt hurt by his past actions to deny him and I guess in a way I wanted to have him hurt not to be in the wedding party.


That was not easy for me to admit to myself because I was stuck feeling like a victim. I know I love my fiancé and whoever he chooses to be there for him I want them there as well. I am committed to loving and living a life full of purpose.

I believe you are a very courageous and brave individual and it is my wish that you have an amazing life and a beautiful wedding

I would want to meet my FHs best friend and to know him in person.

I would encourage the attitide put aside and have his frend come out for coffee.

View quoted message Well it’s not like I didn’t want to meet him. Or that I wasn’t making time to meet him because we did and I guess what stung the most was when he made the comment of what would we do since I couldn’t drink being pregnant. Also going through pregnancy loss was really hard for us and then to see his supposed best friend treat him like garbage was the reason I dislike him.

My fiancé has met all my bridesmaids and had it not been for my one bridesmaid dana we might not be together. I’ll just have to wait and see how the meeting goes.

I find that a lot of people tend to have issues with their best mans and maid of honours. Everybody seems to get REALLY weird when people get engaged. We had a big issues with my MOH when we got engaged. She even wanted to back out of the wedding because I told her I was hurt by her not coming to our stag and doe. We ended up working things out but still seemed a bit rocky after this. It was a jealousy thing because she started dating her now fiance the same time I started dating mine. He just proposed to her in December and things have been fantastic between us. Our best man got really weird and distant too when we asked him to be the in the party. He was previously engaged and their engagement didn't last very long. My FH tried on numerous attempts to touch base with him and he either ignored the messages or took days to get back to him. They still aren't where they used to be relationship wise. Its is a difficult situation you're in because there is obviously a reason he asked him to be the best man. It sucks that you've never met him but that sometimes happens. My FH hadn't met one of my bridesmaids until just recently.

View quoted message I believe there will be an actual meeting and if he can apologize for his behaviour I will give him a blank slate. If not I will probably ask that he not be apart of our day because well he and my fiancé aren’t as close as they once were and it was all because of his childish behaviour and cancelling on us.

I'm sorry you are going through this experience. I hope that you have told your FH how you feel about this situation. I would like to know what were to happen if you meet up with this friend. I think you should try meeting him and giving him a blank slate; he may surprise you. Maybe you guys can talk things over and work things out. I hope in the end that you come out of this feeling positive about the wedding and its participants.

While I don’t think he would intentionally ruin your wedding, he may have underlying issues that prevent him from being entirely realistic. I am curious if he does meet up with you and I hope you give him a clear slate and see how your first impression of him goes. Regardless, if you can’t trust him, he shouldn’t be in your wedding party. Sorry you’re going through this.

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I am so sorry for your loss. I can imagine that has not been easy for you both and it speaks to your strength as a couple.

It is a bit different if he's not that close with him. Have you spoken to your FH to ask why he felt like he should include this guy in your day?

View quoted message I can understand that but my fiance hasn’t been close with him for a while. After his friend first cancelled on meeting me and I encouraged my Fiancé to msg him and he always dreaded it and put it off. I guess another thing that puts a bitter taste in my mouth is how he treated me when I was pregnant and then losing my baby girl was really hard. Also I would consider my fiancé’s feelings if he disliked one of my bridesmaids and if he didn’t feel comfortable with them I would talk that into consideration when deciding who to ask.

It is definitely a tough situation and I get why you are annoyed/hurt. However, I might have an unpopular opinion..

I feel like bridesmaids and groomsmen choices are exclusively up to the Bride (for bridesmaids) and the Groom (for groomsmen). For me, when I picked my girls, it was the girls I had the best relationship with and who meant a lot to me.. not the girls who meant a lot to my FH. And likewise, I would hope he would ask his groomsmen to be the men who were important to him.. it is about his relationship with them more than mine with them.

My FH has a buddy who I think is a TERRIBLE friend. Like honestly terrible.. tried to ruin our relationship. But regardless of everything, they still have a close relationship. He was going to ask him to be a groomsmen (he didn't due to the guy having his own wedding this year which is super close to ours) but I would have just sucked it up.

Keep in mind the pictures you are most likely to look at from your wedding are probably of you and your FH and your families.

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That's a very good point, you wouldn't want to be staring at your wedding pictures with someone you're not fond of! Best of luck with the meeting, I hope things work out for you!

View quoted message I am going to see how the meeting goes and I hope he knows he owes me an apology. I just don’t like the feeling if the dislike doesn’t go away then for the rest of our lives he will be in our wedding photos. I just don’t know about how I would feel about that.

It definitely sounds like a sticky situation! I would give him the benefit of the doubt and arrange to meet up with him. While there are some not so great feelings, perhaps you can both sort things out or at least be cordial. Looking at the silver lining, maybe the wedding will be a time for you to connect and give you something both in common to make those awkward times, a little less awkward. Whatever decision you make, I'm a sure it'll work out for everyone. Good luck!

Hi Maya, my condolences on your loss. I to agree with Carol. Is there any convincing your fiancé to have someone else stand up for him? I’d be uncomfortable with that situation. Doesn’t your fiancé understand how uncomfortable you are with all of this? If he can consider your feelings here maybe he can change best mans? Good luck hun. I hope it all works out for you.

Hi Maya, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I wish I could give you some advice about your situation with you FHs friend. He sounds very jealous of you, and its hard enough to deal with that in a woman let alone a guy. I personally wouldn't have given him the honour of bestman, he sounds like anything but, I would also be worried about the speech that he would give. I would also worry if he would even show up.