Kelsey
Featured June 2022 Ontario

Guest list - how to respond?

Kelsey, on September 7, 2021 at 11:20 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 19
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My fiancé's parents asked us for our guest list I thought it was a bit odd, but we sent them a copy. They have now responded saying these xyz aunts and uncles need to bee added to the list as well as some of their friends/old neighbours.

How would you respond to this?? We already laid everything out when compiling our guest list about 4 months ago, and made choices on who to/not to include. We can't (and don't want to) invite everyone/every relative. Our numbers are at a level we feel good about now and I really don't want to add any more people (that didn't even make our cut in the first place when we were making decisions). It feels so awkward that this would be asked of us and a list of people presented. Even more so that it is not my parents so I feel like I shouldn't be taking the reins of this conversation, but I also don't want my fiancé to get steamrolled and pushed into inviting more people that we wanted/people we didn't want on our list in the first place if he is the only one involved in this conversation. Should I make it known that I am involved in this too and not just my fiancé? Should we not respond to their message and wait to see if they bring it up in person and address it then? I want to respond in a way that shuts down down conversation and let them know in a polite way that this is not up for discussion. My wedding is not a display that you need to bring people to just to show it off when they have no real meaning or connection to us as a couple.

19 Comments

Latest activity by Vinod, on September 11, 2021 at 17:50
  • Vinod
    Featured August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    The way I look at your situation is the way I told my husband when making the guest list. We invite those we know only and have met. I felt some of the guests he wanted to invite shouldn't have made the list since I had no idea who they were and never met, yet they were strangers in a way at the wedding and grandma cheek pinch as if I was a child. Not cool! We were paying for the wedding as no one offered to make any contributions towards the day besides my parents helping to pay for the outfit, centerpieces and money box which they felt good in their hearts.

    This is about you two and no one else as the contributions are from you two only. His parents feel they want to invite the uncles, aunts and other guests, they should put their contributions towards the list as their choice. I do agree with you its not cool what they are doing and asking to make your list enlarged. The covid card is a good tactic to use avoiding more guests to add for your in laws. They should know better than to say things before asking their own son getting married and you as the bride.

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  • Rayanne
    Featured January 2022 Ontario
    Rayanne ·
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    I would 100% tell your finance to use the covid card if it's too awkward for him. Say you are unable to host such a large group because of the restrictions and you dont want to have 100 plans for the wedding going.
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  • D
    Curious September 2022 Alberta
    Derek ·
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    Ummmm.....NO!


    It is YOUR special day, NOT theirs. I have seen this nonsense carried out time and time again by parents of the marrying couple.
    My view is, if some of the aunts/uncles/neighbors are people you have seen in the last few years and are close to, add them (but I assume if that were the case, you'd have already added them). This is NOT something that they should be dictating to you. Especially if you are paying for the wedding yourselves, as many couples do today. My fiancee's stepmother did this to her at her first wedding (fortunately it is not happening this time around). Do not allow them to take control of your guest list. It's not up to them.




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  • Maria
    Newbie October 2022 Alberta
    Maria ·
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    I can totally relate! I know there are certain people I actually have on the guest list that my parents actually DON'T want there, but I realized the decision needs to be made for myself and my fiance, not by them. Thankfully my fiance has been extremely supportive when I get stressed over it, but he has been absolutely right in what he's saying. This is YOUR day and you need to have who YOU want there. His cousin had her mom get way too involved and people were invited she either hardly knew or didn't even like, and it sort of ruined her wedding. It's hard sometimes to stick up for yourself especially if it's his parents over yours, but they need to simply respect your decisions, and your budget. Ideally, you do this ONCE. You're not going to be bridezilla by standing your ground. The main thing in this is that whatever you decide, don't let it cause drama between you and your partner. This day is about the two of you, and whoever is invited should feel privileged, not entitled to be there!

    Best of luck to you! Family can be hard on the head sometimes Smiley smile

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  • Bel
    Beginner June 2022 Ontario
    Bel ·
    • Dispute

    Hi!

    So sorry you are experiencing this. It is difficult. but I agree with everyone, you have to say something. Draw a line in the sand. I am kind of tired of the saying, well if they are paying for it. If that is the case, then keep your money (unless you really need it, but then there should be no strings attached). For our wedding we have both parents a limit of guests. They wanted more, but we booked a venue with certain capacity for a reason, so the parents couldnt have 20 freaking people. This is my second wedding and my fiancés first (and only haha), but we still want it small. His mom said she wants friends there that are fun to party with. Vs friends her son knows, but as I have them a limit, I wont argue with who the 6 are. Compromise I guess? haha., Hope it all works out for you!

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  • Kelsey
    Featured June 2022 Ontario
    Kelsey ·
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    Thank you for the encouragement. After we received their "these people need to be added" response after sending them the list, I knew that was the reason they asked for it in the first place (to see who was on it and tell us who should be, that wasn't already on the list). It is so frustrating to feel circumvented, like what gives your the right to demand these people be included?? I am trying to be a support to my fiancé but I'm afraid he is going to cave in to their demands. He is talking about adding another table, which I have voiced I absolutely do not want to do, but I'm also a bit afraid I will be left out of the conversation as it is only been communication between him and his parents. I suggested that he respond to their message that we will not be discussing this over message and would instead do it in person, I even told my fiancé that I would be the bad guy and he could put the blame on me for turning down this addition to the list, as I know he probably feels in a tough spot and doesn't want to go against them. I feel so bad he is even being put in this position, it's not fair at all to him for parents to do that.
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  • Karen
    Curious September 2021 Ontario
    Karen ·
    • Dispute
    Good Morning Ladies & Gents!


    So...let me start by saying I am opinionated.
    So...this is YOUR WEDDING.
    IF they are choosing to foot the bill it is a nice jesture. IT IS YOUR WEDDING.
    FOOTING the bill does NOT give them the right to direct the event....THIS IS YOUR WEDDING.
    Moms on either side already had their kick at the cat as the saying goes ... they DON'T get the right to direct, select, choose YOUR DAY.
    IF....IF you want their input...you will ask. It was their choice to offer to pay all/part of the Wedding.
    What you can do...is ask for the names they would like to include...and let them know YOU will be happy to send a Wedding Picture to their friends as a tolken jesture.
    However, I would ASK WHY they wanted the Weddng list...MAYBE she is planning a Social Function!?
    Everyone maybe going in the WRONG direction with the question...BUT, IF she is not...STICK TO YOUR GUNS GAL! There's a NEW Sherrif in town!
    Good Luck Darlin...
    I'm sure YOU will be Beautiful on YOUR DAY!
    K
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  • Tunisha
    Featured October 2021 Ontario
    Tunisha ·
    • Dispute
    Nope! Nope! Nope!
    Tell them you do not have space for them as your at your brim for venue capacity. This is you and your fiancé’s wedding and already created the list the people you want there.

    This just gave me flash back of my parents so interested on why uninvite certain people. I told my mum “I don’t want them there. I have enough people that I need here and you already have people on the list that you gave ideas of. I cannot add anyone else.” My mum did not have a great wedding (since she says that every time) as she did not enough it, so she kept putting that into almost every detail I bring to her for the wedding. 😂😂 Like no thank you! Focus on me now, this is mine.
    Wishing you the best in communicating that with your fiancé’s parents. 🙏🏾
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  • Mo
    Beginner September 2021 Alberta
    Mo ·
    • Dispute
    Nope! Absolutely not! There comes a time when you have to put your foot down. This is you and your hubby's wedding NOT the parents or inlaws. If you agree to that dont be surprised youll have pictures with all these random people that you may have heard of or seen only once in your life. Later when looking at pics you'll keep asking yourselves who is this person? Dont invite people you dont want there. Its your day!!!! Good luck!
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  • Cybil
    Newbie October 2021 Alberta
    Cybil ·
    • Dispute
    Girl your not the only one! My parents have been wanting to be in charge of the guest list and are wanting to invite the whole church community to be apart of this event. Like no, I barely know them and want them to be apart of my special day. The day should be about you and not your parents! Or if you can compromise and invite them, then they can pay for their plate.
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  • Kelsey
    Featured June 2022 Ontario
    Kelsey ·
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    Thank you ❤❤
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  • Stacey TC
    Featured August 2022 Saskatchewan
    Stacey TC ·
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    I wish that I had been a little more firm with this from the beginning. My mother added like 10 of her friends to our list, to be fair my parents are paying for the reception but that's 10 of SO and my friends we can't invite.

    SO and I discussed and decided to let this one slide as my mother hasn't seen a number of her friends in 5 years, and they are all people I was close to growing up. A few of them have already said they won't be travelling due to COVID so come the new year, we'll due a numbers re-eval from our save the dates.

    I put my foot down with my dad's side of the family. Out of his 6 siblings (each with 2-3 kids) not a single one of them has called, texted or said hi to me on the street in 10 years and we all live in the same small city.

    I'd have a sit down with them (with you FI) and as respectfully as possible, mention that this is your wedding and the two of you only want people present that are important to you as a couple. The guest list was decided months ago and you are both happy with it.

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  • Kelsey
    Featured June 2022 Ontario
    Kelsey ·
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    Exactly! In my mind I'm thinking, more people = more tables = more place setting rentals = more florals = more decor = more transportation = more food = more drinks = more servers = more $$$$$
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  • Amanda
    Featured August 2022 British Columbia
    Amanda Online ·
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    I think you should talk to them yourself. Even though they only asked your fiance doesn't mean you can't have a say in things as well. You're going to be spending the rest of your lives together and his family will be apart of your family as well. I know it's a touchy subject but sometimes parents don't understand. I'm pretty sure back in the day when all of our parents got married every single person was invited but not these days and especially now with covid. I dont want someone at my wedding that i hardly talk to or see. Jist because theyre "family and friends" doesnt mean theyre automatically invited to something! Not to mention that more people means more food and drinks you need to provide and you also have to pay for that as well!!
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  • Christiana
    Super November 2020 British Columbia
    Christiana ·
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    Yeah I wouldn't equate a cash gift to this level of control they're asking for. I was more thinking of weddings of people I know where the parents pay for everything and it's almost as much about them and their family as the couple. If that's the not the case then I think they're definitely overstepping.

    Good luck! I know how awkward this situation can be but hopefully your fiance will be able to talk some reason into them Smiley smile

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  • Kelsey
    Featured June 2022 Ontario
    Kelsey ·
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    This is helpful, thank you. To add in for context, we are paying for the wedding ourselves. My mom is buying my dress as a gift, and his parents told us they would gift us a small sum of cash (months ago, no talk of adding people or any strings attached), but it was never on the condition we would have to add all these people if we accepted it. We haven't actually been given that sum as of yet, and my fiancé has already been thinking (prior to this) that he may just decline it altogether after some other comments that were made between them. I was torn thinking we could really use whatever they want to gift us to help, but also now not wanting at all to accept a "gift" if it has strings attached like this.
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  • Christiana
    Super November 2020 British Columbia
    Christiana ·
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    I think if they are 100% paying for the wedding then they can invite these people as long as there is space in the venue. But imo if they aren't covering the costs completely they don't get a say. Maybe to compromise you can offer invitations to these people if some of your guests can't make it (assuming you don't already have a B list). But I totally get if this isn't an option for you either. I would personally just say exactly what you said above - you made these decisions together a while ago and you are very happy with your guest list as is. You can also say that you feel like you don't know these people or don't have a relationship with them and you only want to be surrounded by people you love on your wedding day.

    Your fiance really should be taking the lead on this since they are his parents, and telling them that you've already decided on your guest list. And he has a responsibility to you to not let himself get steamrolled and to push for what both of you want. I think if you want to make sure you are heard you can arrange to be there when he talks to them but let him take the lead. And you can help steer the conversation back on track if you think they're trying to steer your fiance off in another direction.

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  • Kelsey
    Featured June 2022 Ontario
    Kelsey ·
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    Exactly! I don't want to take my fiancé's phone and respond myself, but I feel like he is more apt (by himself, either in person or via text etc) to cave into what they want if I'm not involved in the conversation. Should I tell my fiancé not to respond back and that we won't do this over text and only in person instead? Do we craft a response together to send? I'm having a hard time holding myself back from just directly responding (even though I was never involved in any of this, they asked my fiancé and communicated only with him). If it were my parents I would have already responded to them saying no, it's done. But because it's not my parents it's making the situation stickier and I don't want to overstep but at the same time I'm involved in this too!
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  • Amanda
    Featured August 2022 British Columbia
    Amanda Online ·
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    I would honestly tell them the truth. That this is your wedding at not theirs. You've picked all of these guests for a reason. You can't have every single person you've ever met come..... lol


    I've gone through the same thing with my future mil. She wanted to invite like 15 more people on top of our guest list and I just told her no plan and simple My fiance and I only wantclose friends and family to join us for our special day. Just because it's a wedding doesn't mean you have to invite every single aunt uncle and cousin you have. I hardly see my cousins and a few anuts and uncles for verious family reasons and that's why they're not invited
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