Etiquette Question

I am not a fan of it. But, I did a bit of research to see what the pros thought, and here is an excerpt from a blog post written by a wedding planner from Kailey Michelle Events.

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IS HAVING A B LIST ACCEPTABLE?

I would not directly refer to a B-list as improper or unacceptable, as it’s been a widely common process through the ages of wedding planning. I would however, acknowledge it as dicey. Here’s why…

If a B-list is not acted out with wisdom, sensitivity, attention and due care, you risk making people feel second fiddle. This means when sending out invitations, do so in part by social circles and family ties to avoid wedding talk turning to gossip of “who got their invite when!” For example, if you invite friend Sherry 2 months before the wedding, you would not send out B-list invites to other girlfriend Mary or her sister Samantha weeks before.

If people are prone talk, whether intentional or not, group them together on either the A or B list to avoid hurt feelings.

HOW CAN YOU MAKE A B LIST WORK WITHOUT OFFENDING ANYONE?

The key to forming a B-list is timing; ensure your second round invitations do not arrive too late! Typically, invitations should be send out 2-3 months in advance, even earlier for destination weddings. So as your “regretfully decline’s” roll in, you send out a B-list invite in exchange. While this method is practical, it can be extremely slow in turn, depending largely on the rate at which people respond.

I suggest finalizing your A list response by minimum four weeks out. If people complain or ask about the early response, blame your caterer, venue or your obsessive need to be prepared and organized!

In the end, by keeping your circles together (immediate family, colleagues, extended family, friend group A/B/C, acquaintances), you lessen the chance of people wondering why so and so got their invitation and they haven’t yet.

If you absolutely have to send out a last-minute invite, limit them to people who are easy-going and understanding. Be honest with them. Explain your strict budget and emphasize your delight in having a seat become available so they could join you! People want to feel wanted; not like an after-thought.

I think it's fine! Just working it would be difficult... I kind of over invited for this reason of knowing some wont show up! But if last minute we have space we decided we would open it up to coworkers! My coworkers have actually already asked to come but I said no we agreed no one from work due to seating limits. But I'm sure if with a bit of time left I asked them they would be happy!

I agree with the others, it depends on the guest and your relationship with them. If they are newer friends/coworkers or older distant friends, they will probably be understanding.

Since starting to plan the guest list, I've realised the different obligations to family. I have 165 on the list, although initially I didn't want to go over 120. That is with second cousins/possible B list too, so it'll probably work out to my number. My family alone is 72 guests.

If the guests your inviting are friends/coworkers, they'll probably be understanding as to why they weren't invited off the hop. If it's more distant family, they might be hurt they weren't thought of right away, but hopefully understanding as well.

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I agree with Sara... if it's additional friends who were only not invited due to space restrictions, you could give them an invitation, but most importantly try to ask them face to face if they would be able to come.

I had several friends who were married in the past few years, and I knew I was more of a "fringe friend", so did not expect an invite... but if any of them had invited me just before the wedding, I would have gone for sure. It's all based on your relationship with the people you are talking about.

I agree! Ask the people you'd like to have there. And ask them in person - they know they didn't make the first cut; it will be lovely to ask them in person and see their excitement at being asked!

It really depends on who these last minute guests are and your relationship with them.

Personally, I've been a last minute invite twice and both times I was just stoked to be going! In both cases I had only become friend with the couple in the last year or two before the wedding so I wasn't in any way offended that I didn't make the cut on the first go around and I was really honoured that they considered me a close enough friend by the time the wedding rolled around to want me there.

I'm sure that if the people you're considering giving last-minute invites to are newer friends or friends who are perhaps a bit more on the periphery of your social groups, they won't be offended to have not been invited initially and will just be happy to come.

ETA: In both of the cases where I was a last minute invite, it was as simple as them asking me personally if I'd like to come. I don't think it is necessary to send out a paper invitation at this stage in the game. They'll know it's a b-list invite anyways so don't beat around the bush with it. In my case, one of the couples had a few family members drop out a couple weeks before the wedding and the bride straight up said "hey, we have had some family drop out of the wedding and now have some spare spots - would you wanna come? It'd be awesome to have you there!" and in the other they were under their capacity anyways and decided to officially invite me about a month before the wedding, although they had been telling my roommate she should bring me as her date for several months (I met them through her about 8 months before the wedding). Neither one gave me an invitation - just asked in person.

View quoted message Thank you! I personally wouldn’t be offended either because I’m pretty laid back, but I don’t want people to feel less important as that isn’t the case at all.

I feel like this all depends on the guests.

If it was me, I wouldn't mind being asked last minute as I have and am on the other side of this and can only invite 250 people from our 345 people guest list. But some people take it as they are just a seat filler so you don't feel like you wasted money and so you get another present.

The way I would go about wording it - on an invitation, as this shouldn't just be over the phone or by email/text - is something like: *regular invitation with sooner RSVP date* and then "As you may have noticed our wedding is approaching very fast. And although we would have loved to invite you right off the hop, we were unable to do so due to venue capacity restrictions. We would love if you could make it to our wedding and share in our special day like we had wanted from the start."

I would also reach out to them in person though... Even after me typing that up I would maybe hand deliver the invitations where possible to really let them know that they weren't a last minute thought but just that they were always on the list but it just happen to be the waiting list as you wouldn't have been able to have your ideal list of people attend.