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Ellen
Curious October 2019 Ontario

Distant Family Members

Ellen, on February 24, 2018 at 20:51 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 17
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So we are currently over our guest count of 120 by 15 people (our venue will hold 180), so I am trying to reduce the numbers. My future husband has cousins on the list that he has not seen in years (at least 5) and does not have a relationship with to the point that he didn't know the one was married. Am I rude for not wanting to invite someone I have never met?


Does anyone have any suggestions on how to reduce numbers?

17 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on February 26, 2018 at 22:20
  • Michelle
    Super September 2018 Alberta
    Michelle ·
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    Not at all, at the end of the day it is your wedding. You want to celebrate it with ppl you. If it gets brought up just mention your venue is "limited space" available. To me that means you can't invite everyone, most ppl won't ask how much ppl your venue will hold.

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  • Breanne
    Expert August 2018 Ontario
    Breanne ·
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    Both of our families are really small but we had the opposite problem - my FHs family count is EIGHT - literally 8 people. Mine is 24 so still fairly small but I had to invite aunts, uncles, first cousins & spouses because I couldn't invite one and not the other. Plus I'm the baby cousin by 12 years so this will be a big deal for them.

    Our guest goal is 120 as well and we ended up inviting 134 thinking that we will definitely have some declines (we've already had 3 and that was just in casual conversation) - so completely similar situation.

    One suggestion is we did save the dates to give everyone a heads up on the date before we'll send out invitations and the bonus is we may find out if people can't make it beforehand. Our wedding website is up so they can RSVP early and if we have more declines than expected we can always decide to fill those spaces when the invitations are sent out.

    Is there a certain line for his cousins (first cousins, second cousins etc) that can be drawn? - ie. I'm inviting first cousins but not second so it's a clear line drawn

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  • Erin
    Master September 2017 Ontario
    Erin ·
    • Dispute

    I personally don't think you need to invite people just because they are family. Both my husband and I didn't invite most of our extended families to our wedding as they are not people we see or care to see on a regular basis. Most of them we don't even communicate with at all. I think if he finds it important than maybe just let it go as it is his family but I agree that you don't have to invite them.

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  • Jen
    VIP June 2018 Ontario
    Jen ·
    • Dispute

    My FH wanted to invite every family member and cousin that he could. He even invited people from California to our wedding! I wanted no more than 90 people (including us and our wedding party) on our wedding day. We have invited over 125 people and so far have only had a few say no. If we go over 100 then I need to rent more chairs and plates, increasing our budget to much higher than anticipated. We had the same conversation where we said we weren't going to invite certain people who we haven't spoken to in so many years even though they are family. It did help cut down on some.

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  • Bianca
    Master August 2019 Ontario
    Bianca ·
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    View quoted message
    My go-to advice is remember why you’re getting married. After you do, the guest list issue will seem less significant.
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  • Stephanie
    Master July 2018 Alberta
    Stephanie ·
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    I think he is allowed to invite them. 15 people isn't a lot to be over. There are almost always people that can't go. We are over by 20 people but are counting on people saying no (which some have already indicated that they can't make it before the invitations have been sent out). They must be making his A list for a reason, even if they aren't that close anymore. My fiance is planning on inviting some friends that he hasn't seen, or even talked to, in at least a decade. But, they are people that he always thought he would share his wedding with.

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  • Lyla
    Devoted July 2018 Alberta
    Lyla ·
    • Dispute
    I feel ya! I’m having the same problem too! We went through the guest list together, ordered the invites, and now his mom is mentioning aunts and uncle that I don’t even know or remember that he hadn’t seen in 6+ years ( we’ve been together for 5 years) so now all of a sudden we “have” to invite these people even though we already spent 300$ on invites, spent hours with my mom and moh assembling them, and have the majority sent out together. I was so happy to check it off the list.. Oh the joys and drama of wedding planning ! Btw I think it’s kind of funny that he insists on inviting her even though he clearly wasn’t invited to her wedding.. I think it’s safe to say she has no right to be offended haha
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  • T
    Frequent user August 2018 British Columbia
    Terri ·
    • Dispute
    I think that just because you don’t personally have a relationship with them and don’t want to invite them has no grounds to if they should be invited or not. It’s his family and I think it should be his choice. I made my list, my groom made his and we are over our numbers by about ten. But with that being said rsvp are coming in and people are saying no. It obviously means something to him that they are there. Just remember it’s his wedding too.
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  • Jessica
    Super March 2018 Ontario
    Jessica ·
    • Dispute
    I invited 25 more people than the venue would hold I knew I had definite no’s, so I knew it would be widdled down. We ended up having 75 people say no, so we were more than good with that number.

    I’d say if you’re comfortable, go with the ones on your list already. You will always have no’s, even if someone surprises you and says yes, there will be some no’s who do.

    Best of luck! That was tough for us too,
    • Reply
  • Ellen
    Curious October 2019 Ontario
    Ellen ·
    • Dispute
    I've tried to get him to make an "A" list and a "B" list with me, but his distant family continues to make the "A" list, with only 2 or 3 people on the "B" list. I am just so stressed out about this! I don't know what to do


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  • Bianca
    Master August 2019 Ontario
    Bianca ·
    • Dispute
    You’re not being a b--! You deserve to have people at the wedding who know your relationship. On the other hand, they are family and etiquette comes into play.

    I’m in a similar predicament as you are where literally all of my fiancé’s extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.) live out of province. He has seen these cousins each less than 5 times in his life. We’re still inviting them just to be polite. We are well-aware that some may not come and that’s fine but for us, it’s the thought that counts.

    How does your fiancé feel about this?

    If you want to reduce numbers just begin categorizing your guest into A-List and B-List and go from there. Then when your A-List guest start rvsp-ing either “yes” or “no”, then you slowly start inviting your B-List. This way you don’t risk having too many guests.
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  • Ellen
    Curious October 2019 Ontario
    Ellen ·
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    View quoted message
    I’m just concerned/worried about what if the people who we aren’t expecting to come do come, then we are really over budget
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  • Vanessa
    Expert August 2018 Manitoba
    Vanessa ·
    • Dispute
    We are over our guest list by 25 but that being said we know that some of my family members and some of his won’t be able to come or will not come. Our wedding started at 200 guests than expanded to 225 now at 250 max with my side just itself being 150. And we said even numbers but we’ve come to realize you can’t invite this aunt and not that aunt who are sisters. So we are thinking that about 25 people or more will not be able to attend making it a little easier to swallow. And those who didn’t make it on the list will be invited to our after party as we are having a tent wedding on his parents property.
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  • Emily
    Devoted October 2018 Ontario
    Emily ·
    • Dispute
    I absolutely don’t think your a b-- for not inviting people you haven’t met. My FH are having a small wedding of about 50 people and inviting 130 to our reception. We have some of his second cousins we are inviting because we have met them and have a relationship but aren’t inviting anyone who we don’t see or communicate with. And for friend guests my justification was if I only see you in group situations and we don’t talk outside of that then you’re not invited.
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  • Rosalyn
    Devoted August 2018 Alberta
    Rosalyn ·
    • Dispute
    My aunt told me this “invite people who know your relationship and who, at the end of the day, you will be so happy you invited” it made the list much easier. But also keep in mind some of those people may decline the invite!
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  • Lucy
    Frequent user July 2019 Ontario
    Lucy ·
    • Dispute

    An idea that my friend used to cut back on her larger extended family was if they hadn't spoken to them/had contact with them within the last year (or whatever time frame you agree on), they weren't invited. Would he be okay with something like that?

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  • Kris
    Frequent user June 2018 British Columbia
    Kris ·
    • Dispute

    Awww, I don't think you are being a bitch. I agree with you that I would only want people I know or my groom knows well. BUT, family is always a sticky topic. Can you go through the list with your FH and try to come up one good reason to have them on the list, other than they are just family. I'm sorry I don't have helpful suggestions as we have not gone over our guest list yet.

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