Clueless Bridesmaids

I google what a MOH is "responsible for" and I sent to her and I also wrote that if she want to step down I would understand. That was over a month ago and she promptly replied that she was 100% in. But she never contact me or ask if I need help with anything.

I have one of my bridesmaids doing everything my MOH was supposed to and she is truly a life saver! Sometimes when you are not sure of something or you just want to vent, that is when you need your best girls by your side.

Hopefully she will come around before June

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Hey Angela!

That must be so disappointing.

I asked my old MOH if she still felt comfortable and still wanted to be MOH. Maybe that could be an option? Say something like "I don't want to put too much pressure on you, but this is what I would like you to do as MOH (insert list). Let me know if you still feel ok with the role!"

It shows concern for her busy life and then you have a solid answer. Better to know now then the day before the wedding!

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Thanks Laura!

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Maybe it doesn't seem practical to ask her to look up restaurants in an area she doesn't live in, but I don't live there either. Our venue is a 7 hour drive from where we live, and I don't see anything wrong with asking for the Maid of Honour's opinion on where we should have a our rehearsal dinner based on reviews.

No, she wouldn't have to pay for her hair and makeup, and I'm helping her pay for her travel to the wedding. Her dress cost $100.

Sicen I wasn't expecting her to come to bridal showers and such where I live, assuming that she would come to help out at least a couple days before the wedding seems quite reasonable to me.

It doesn't matter because she chose to not be part of the wedding anymore.

I'm sure every bride would want more support from her maid of honour that you're suggesting. If the girl you asked to be MOH isn't willing to support you as much as she can, then she shouldn't be Maid of "Honour" because clearly she's not up to the task of helping the bride make her day special. And that's okay.

This may be an unpopular opinion but they aren't around plan your wedding - you are planning your wedding.

Maybe give her tasks she is more comfortable with? You want her to look up restaurants to a city she doesn't live in? That doesn't seem very practical. And she is already buying her dress (presumably paying for her hair/makeup) and travel expenses and time off for your wedding. It sounds reasonable that she does not want to take more time off.

Your wedding is the most important thing going on right now for you - but that doesn't mean it's the most important thing for them.

Bridesamids can always google it what it takes to be one, I think if they are not really interested they should have said so...

I am having the very same issue. my MOH and I were used to work for the same company and that was when I got engaged and asked her to be my MOH. Since then the company moved to another state and I got another job, she barely talks to me on the phone, messenger, WhatsApp, like she is nowhere to be found.

Somedays I just want un-invited her....

Thanks so much for all the comments!

My maid of honour is new as well and totally unsure of her roll- but she asked. I would speak to her and if she decided to take a disinterested roll and you need more get another moh and just let her be a bridesmaid. moh comes with a responsibility to you which she agreed to upon accepting. My other two bridesmaids are much help either but at least my moh can rangle them in. Maybe consider having the bachelorette a little closer- for me taking over a week at a time is hard (and im the bride lol) if the wedding is a werk after that saturday thats a week of income shes losing at once. Talk to her and see if theres a reasonable solution to the party situation. We do have to accommodate sometimes- but ahe also needs to step up.

I think you just need to sit down and explain your expectations of them. I understand wanting help (my husband and I pretty much planned our own wedding with very little help) but I don't think your MOH should be helping you actually plan the wedding so much as help you organize things to efficiently plan your wedding and accomplish tasks.

Maybe clarify with her what you expect of her being your maid of honour. Let her know the things you would like her to do and ask if she thinks she can do it or if she would like to step down as maid of honour and be a bridesmaid instead. Clarify roles with all your bridesmaids as well. If they haven't been in a wedding before, they may not know what is expected. Or what you expect since some people just want someone to stand beside them day of and don't want help with any of the planning.

My first thought when I read this, was maybe it is hard for her seeing you get married or being involved in a wedding. I don't know what her personal situation is, but if she is wanting to be married and isn't there yet, it could be hard helping plan a wedding.

It's interesting being on here seeing how many brides kind of "suffer" from uninterested bridesmaids. My maid of honour was completely uninterested too. She didn't take initiative and didn't want to take time off work to come to my wedding... even tho she didn't even have a job... just in case she might get a job. I fired her and hired my next bridesmaid to be my maid of honour and she was like amazing she planned everything and coordinated times for everyone. I got frustrated at a few of my friends throughout the process cuz some couldn't make it to certain things when I feel like they could have if they really wanted to. I started thinking I'm a loser with shitty friends hahah but I think it's pretty common and my wedding day everyone showed up and were amazing. There were some bumps but they really did do everything I asked them for, even if they didn't want to and complained about it lol.
It is frustrating especially when you think you'd act completely different if you were in that position. Take initiative, no excuses, be there no matter what, learn, whatever the bride says goes. But it doesn't always happen that way.

Have any of your bridesmaids or MOH been engaged before? I had no idea about any of the expected MOH/bridesmaid duties until after I got engaged (and was googling wedding planning related articles). It might be that their understanding of their role is limited to showing up on the day. Also, if they're out of province they may be taking a back seat because they feel there isn't much they can do from a distance or are waiting for instructions. I think in an ideal scenario, it would be great if your MOH could fly in for your bachelorette but I think it's also fair if she doesn't want to use up most of her time-off for your wedding... It sounds like if she were to fly in the weekend before your wedding, she would be missing 5 work days between the Bachelorette and the wedding day.

I think just a straight forward "girls, can I get some help please?" would be easiest, and you just gotta be able to tell them what they can do

That’s a challenging one, especially when they have never been in a wedding before. It could be because they aren’t too sure what the expectation is. Have you talked to them before about some of the help that you may need? Sometimes it’s just they didn’t realize what they would need to do.
In regards to your MOH, maybe getting time off work is hard or could be a money thing that the cost of coming early would be too much. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to behaviour. Maybe just talked to each of them about what may be going on. Doesn’t hurt to try. Good luck!