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C
Frequent user November 2017 Ontario

After the Wedding Etiquette Re: Thank you Cards for No Cards No Gifts

Chris, on February 13, 2018 at 00:20 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 12

I thought most people had proper etiquette but I was wrong.

Every one has their own financial circumstances however I have never attended a wedding and not brought a gift or.a card. I even sign cards and contribute to gifts for work colleagues in my Division I don't even know.

Even if I could not afford the price of the dinner plate I would at least buy a card and perhaps provide money I could afford -anything is better than nothing at all, gift certificate for dinner or for a nice bottle of wine.It is the thought that counts.

We are in the process of writing and sending thank you cards and including personalized professional individual photos of pictures we chose specifically for each guests which we paid to have developed for each thank you card.

Here is where we need your assistance.

We have 4 categories.

A - People who attended our wedding and gave a card and a gift.

B - People who attended our wedding and did not give a card or a gift.

C- People who did not attend our wedding and gave a card and a gift.

D - People who did not attend our wedding and did not give a card, a gift, did not call us, did email us, did not acknowledge our wedding whatsoever.

So people in categories A & C they attended our wedding and gave a card or gift or they did not attend our wedding but gave a card or gift - those thank you cards with professional photo -some framed was sent and mailed.

Here is where I need your advice. I gave a group of friends who attended the wedding, some gave gifts some did not gift gifts. The people who gave gifts I sent a thank you card with a professional photo the photographer did of the group of friends which I paid extra to have developed separately for the thank you cards.

I have a handful of friends who attended the wedding but did not send a card or gift so I did not send a thank you. These friends contacted us stating Karen and Elizabeth said they received a thank you card with a photo but I did not receive one.

History -Some of these people asked to borrow money from the groom - at the wedding which we have not seen yet despite the "I'll pay you tomorrow", "send me your email again and I'll send you the transfer", "did you get the transfer?" - knowing they did not send it. My husband wants to write these people off -some of which are our wedding party in which we both presented them with gifts the night before the wedding without even a thank you.

What would you do and how would you respond?

We paid for everything ourselves, out of all our friends we are the poorest they own homes/condos, cars, designer clothes, jewelry etc. kids in private school etc. and we are the ones struggling. My husband said we need to re-evalute our friends and distant ourselves from people who take advantage of us and our kindness. He is hurt as some of these people send him Facebook messages requesting his professional advice and he responds -which he can see they read as their face pops up and they do not even respond back and this has happened several times after the wedding so he is ready to right some of these people off. These are the same people who say we still need to pay you for the money we owe you...and he said ok here is my email address again for transfer and no response time and time again but they read it.

We have one close family member who not only did not attend the wedding, we did not RSVP we was not coming or coming, we followed up and he said I may surprise you. He did not call post wedding nor send email congrats or card and he phoned my mother to say he wants us to develop all the photos from the wedding and send the to him. - Yeah -no. So as he lives in the same neighbourhood should I run into him what should I say?

Any advice would be appreciated.


Thanks



12 Comments

Latest activity by Amie, on August 26, 2018 at 00:52
  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
    Amie
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    This advice is everything! I love it.
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  • Vinod
    Top August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod
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    I do agree with sending a card to those who attended and not attended giving gifts or cards. Those who didn't show NO!

    The friends that claim that will pay back and messaging on facebook for advice. I would block them and know they are not true friends. I had a friend bringing his mother and boyfriend against the number indicated and didn't give any money too. He got written off instantly.

    Those who are asking why they didn't get a card, tell them honestly so they know the truth. The family member near your moms home i wouldn't approach. He felt he wasn't important to be there on your day.
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  • Bianca
    Master August 2019 Ontario
    Bianca
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    馃憦馃徎馃憦馃徎馃憦馃徎
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  • Courtney
    Super July 2018 Ontario
    Courtney
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    I agree - I would send a thank you card to anyone who attended as I think the main thing is they were there to spend the day with you. It is nice to receive cards or gifts, but it shouldn't be expected.

    I would perhaps just send a thank you card, no pictures, if you don't want to give the same level as the people who provided something.


    I think you mentioned some of the no gift people were in the wedding party. I think that can be fairly common for wedding party members to not purchase a gift as they have other expenses that are 'extra' for the wedding.

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  • Erin
    Master September 2017 Ontario
    Erin
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    We are sending thank you cards to everyone who attended whether they gave us a gift or card or not. You are thanking them for attending and joining in the celebration as well as having given you something.

    I agree that you should distance yourself from people who take advantage of you. I think you should tell your family member that you will not provide them with all the wedding photos but that if they really want one then you will send them one of your choosing.

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  • Stephanie
    Master July 2018 Alberta
    Stephanie
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    Even if they didn't give a gift, I would still send them a "thank you for attending" card. You can still include a picture, maybe just print them off yourself at Wal-Mart or something rather than getting them from your photographer.

    You can still re-evaluate your friendship with them, but I would still acknowledge that they attended your wedding.

    Even if they didn't follow etiquette and get a gift/cash, you can be the bigger person and send them a thank you and a picture.

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  • M
    Newbie July 2019 Manitoba
    Melissa
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    I would send the same thank yous to everyone who attended whether or not they gave a gift or card. Wedding around suppose to be about getting gifts or money, it鈥檚 about your love and declaring it to the world, and I鈥檇 be thankful to anyone who was invited for coming and spending the day and having a great time with us celebrating.
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  • Tracy
    Devoted September 2018 Ontario
    Tracy
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    I completely agree with this.
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  • Ap2017
    Super September 2017 Ontario
    Ap2017
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    If I'm being honest, I would have sent out cards to everyone who attended, regardless of their level of gift giving or lack thereof. They were there to celebrate your day with you and sometimes you don't know what's happening with them (maybe they are struggling financially because of all the flashy things they have and they don't publicly communicate that). Or maybe they are thoughtless people - either way, I would rise above. I know it can be a bitter pill because I had a few people show up to my shower without gifts and eat the food and take the favors and I still sent out thank yous even though I didn't really want to.

    As far as the people who owe you money - I agree with your husband. Cut ties. If they bring up why you are no longer socializing with them be honest about the reason. They owe you money and continually fail to pay you back despite numerous opportunities to do so.

    If your relative is interested in seeing photos, then he should get in touch with you and ask what the best way would be for him to see he pictures instead of demanding printed copies from you. I wouldn't budge on that one.

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  • Jen889
    Devoted May 2018 Quebec
    Jen889
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    Do these friends know that your supposed to give a card or gift for weddings? Some people don't actually realise this and never give anything. It's not that they can't afford it, they just don't know.

    I have a friend who we attend weddings with (she's in the same circle of friends). She never gives money or a gift. She will give a card but there's never anything inside. She didn't know until I asked her how much she gave and she was shocked. She thought people just have congratulations cards or a gift.

    And don't look at their houses, cars, private school education. It's easy to get anything nowadays if you have good credit. Most people have the big house, luxury cars, designer clothes etc but are in debt like you wouldn't believe. They just put on a good show.
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  • C
    Frequent user November 2017 Ontario
    Chris
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    Thank you.

    I have been wondering what to say to these "friends".

    I thought of saying something similar to what you suggested such as..."we sent all the thank you cards for all the gifts. If you have not received your thank you I apologize I will have to double check the list again to make sure I did not forget anyone there were so many people who sent gifts I must have missed a few I am sorry". but I wondered if this sounded catty.

    Trying to be diplomatic about it but for close friends who I see once or twice a week to not even sign a card makes me wonder if etiquette gone out the window.

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  • Alexandra
    Newbie August 2018 British Columbia
    Alexandra
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    For the B friends who asked where their thank you card / present who didn鈥檛 give a gift I would do this:

    person B I鈥檓 so glad you mentioned the thank you present and card. I鈥檓 embarrassed to say we haven鈥檛 been able to determine what your gift was due to all the excitement of the night. I would love to send you a proper thank you, can you please remind me?

    The proper etiquette is a thank you card/gift is a thank you for a gift not a thank you for attending your wedding. You owe them nothing.

    as for the close relative? When and if he asks you for the pictures you say no. A request via your Mother is not a request ( tell your Mother to just say to ask the couple himself). If you run into him tell him your Mother mentioned his request but you thought she heard wrong because why would you want pictures of a wedding you didn鈥檛 want to attend?

    Your husband is correct in his intuition you guys are starting a new life together get rid of those users..

    good luck! ( sorry I am probably more outgoing then most people but don鈥檛 be forced to do whatever you don鈥檛 want to do. You respected those that respect you and your husband the rest can well.. you know where they can go! )
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