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Curious May 2022 British Columbia

What to do about my MOH

Cash, on November 26, 2019 at 12:00 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 8

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So, when I got engaged one of the first thighs I did was put together a "proposal box" for one of my best friends- I knew I didn't want to start planning without her, so she was my first order of business. She said yes, and made a comment a long the lines of 'I assumed I would be, so I'm glad you actually asked' which I thought was weird. Initially she was very helpful in helping put together boxes for the bm's... but fast forward 8 months. She's behind up with a long-term boyfriend and started dating someone new, and I hardly see her. She came late to the engagement party and left as soon as other guests left because her new boyfriend felt tired and uncomfortable. Shes been distant, the only times I've seen her in the past few months has been if I'm thirdwheeling her and her new boyfriend (and yes, it very much feels like thirdwheeling in highschool...) She takes days to read or respond to my messages unless it's about her dress, or hair/ makeup. I've been trying to get in touch with her now to talk about things and she's been blowing me off for 3 weeks! I'm trying to order the bm dresses, and I'm not enjoying waiting for her. Another BM has totally stepped up without my even mentioning what's going on, and naturally started doing her responsibilities... I think I chose the wrong MOH and I don't know what to do/ how to talk to her. I think I'm going to ask her to be a MHM, because I'm concerned she didn't realize how much work being a MOH is, and maybe she's hurting and feeling overwhelmed. What would you do/ say? I don't want to hurt anyone, but I think I deserve a MOH who cares about me and is willing to make me and my wedding a priority!

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8 Comments

Latest activity by BunnyBride, on November 30, 2019 at 08:35

Super August 2334 Nova Scotia
BunnyBride · On November 30, 2019 at 08:35
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I would definitely talk to her as most other previous posters have said. It could be just stress or a change in how busy her life is. Doesn't give her an excuse to ignore you, but it could explain her behavior.
Check in with other friends if she started doing the same things to them around the time he new boyfriend came in the picture. If so, that's a red flag. I had a friend in a situation very similar to what you described with one of their friends....and it turned out that the new beau was very controlling to the point of it being toxic/emotional manipulative and distancing the girl from friends so he could remain in control. Hopefully, that's not the case but better to check in and be certain.
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Top August 2017 Ontario
Vinod · On November 26, 2019 at 17:14
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Talk to your MOH and let her the situation. She needs to understand her stepping up to her responsibilities or step down as a bm. She shouldn't ne blowing you off for her bf all the time.
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Master October 2019 Ontario
Allison · On November 26, 2019 at 14:38
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Unfortunately, I've had friends who'd drop off the face of the earth once they started dating a new person. It happens, but it totally doesn't excuse her lack of attentiveness.
I would talk to her, preferably in person, about how you feel like she is not making you a priority in her life and maybe ask if she wants to continue being your MOH or if she'd be more comfortable being a BM.
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VIP August 2020 Ontario
Ashley · On November 26, 2019 at 14:07
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I would speak with her first before you do anything since youve known her a long time. she may be going through some family stuff or something. i would give her the option to step down if she wants too as well.
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Top October 2019 Manitoba
Tori · On November 26, 2019 at 13:50
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Dang, with the wedding coming up so soon I would say that I agree with talking to her 1 on 1 first to express how you are viewing things. From there if she doesn't step back up I would tell her you need more support than she is giving and maybe make her either a co-MOH or a BM.
It would suck but it would be worse if she didn't get any warning at all.
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Frequent user November 2019 Ontario
Judice · On November 26, 2019 at 13:43
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That's totally not cool and sounds similar to the situation I had with my maid of honour.

I honestly should be talked to her much earlier but I was too chicken. I would speak with her and let her know how you've been feeling up until now in the nicest way possible. Just make it clear what your expectations are and give her one more chance.
If things don't pan out, like you said, you have the comfort of knowing that your bridesmaids are on the ball and are willing to pick up her slack.
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VIP September 2020 Ontario
Geneviève · On November 26, 2019 at 12:55
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That’s not cool. I’d definitely talk to her but you can phrase it in a way that suggests that it must be overwhelming, in case she naturally gets defensive. Then it gives you an opportunity to say that if she’s too busy/overwhelmed, it wouldn’t be an issue to assign her duties to someone else. If she’s really defensive, make sure you focus on how you’ve been feeling rather than how she’s been failing you. That way she can see your perspective without having to make excuses instead of listening
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Master October 2020 New Brunswick
Amelia · On November 26, 2019 at 12:24
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If she has been avoiding you and not wanting to talk about it I would stop referring to her as a maid of honor. You have other more supportive friends who would be happy to wear her shoes! New relationships are exciting, but you should never burn an old friend for the sake of a new guy.

Maybe give her one more chance before you demote her, but be clear about your expectations. You can let her know you still want her to be a part of your wedding, but that you aren't getting the support you need so if she doesn't perform her duties someone else will.
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