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Genna
Curious July 2022 British Columbia

Wedding planning when your partner is....far less than interested

Genna, on January 21, 2020 at 18:27 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 17
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I am over the moon excited to begin planning my 2nd marriage. First one was a disaster and my ex never planned anything. He left me to do it all which I guess should've been a red flag. Anyhow I have my new FH and we got engaged in Dec. We are planning on getting married in July-Aug 2021 so TONS of time....however I have held myself back from my instincts of planning ahead. You see, I am a huge planner...Im used to disasters happening and having to fix things...its just my luck. My fiance on the other hand is a huge procrastinator and will wait to the absolute last second to do anything. Example...he packed for our first vacation of 10 days out of country....2 hours before our flight. I cant wrap my head around that and we are polar opposite. So my problem is this. We agreed to enjoy being engaged for a bit and talk about it in Feb....well thats less than 10 days now and you would think I would be excited but Im not. Heres the thing....every time I have mentioned simple things like "check out these colors I came across, what do you think?" or "do you have any idea who your best man is?" or "who do you think you will invite?"....I pretty much am talking to a wall. He is resistant! He says he will think about it....he also gets a little moody too which drives me up the wall. He has NO idea what goes into planning a wedding and I do. Ive tried explaining it to him but it falls on deaf ears. For the record the talk about wedding stuff in February is legit pick a date, pick a location and start looking for venues, not simple conversations like I mentioned. I feel as though I will end up doing a lot of the planning by myself because he isn't 'that guy'. He says he likes whatever I pick but its not my wedding its OUR wedding. I've verbalized this plenty. Now Im not excited at all about February, Im actually very anxious and a little depressed over it. I dont see a point in discussing things if he isnt going to be even a little excited. I am pulling a lot from my past too, my ex was flat out mean about it. I know my man now is truly wanting to marry me but he is the type that doesnt like to plan or fuss or DO anything that is a pain in the butt. I think this will be. Any advice?

17 Comments

Latest activity by Genna, on January 23, 2020 at 14:37
  • Genna
    Curious July 2022 British Columbia
    Genna ·
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    You guys are so amazing. You've made me feel so much better about the situation
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  • Nichea
    Curious September 2023 Ontario
    Nichea ·
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    I hear you, same thing happening on my end, you are not alone Smiley smile We can do it Smiley winking They don't get to complain if it isn't what they wanted if they don't choose to contribute anything to help you out thenSmiley winking

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  • Sarah
    Expert July 2021 Ontario
    Sarah ·
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    I’m doing 99% of the planning and I love it lol I obviously feel like I have great taste so I’m happy to have full control Hahahah try to enjoy the fact that you can have the freedom to do as you want! Sucks when they don’t care but you have us here in the community to talk with plus take advantage of your wedding party / friends and get input from them!
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  • Vinod
    Featured August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    I did and still get it from my husband and knows i wouldn't respond to him.
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  • Marcy
    Frequent user October 2020 Saskatchewan
    Marcy ·
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    Oh man...reading this took me back to the beginning of our planning like six months ago. This is my second marriage also, and I felt the exact same way as you. I wanted to shout at my FH at the top of my lungs "TRUST ME I KNOW HOW MUCH ACTUALLY GOES INTO PLANNING, THIS ISNT MY FIRST RODEO, BUDDY!", but of course, that wouldn't help things lol. My FH thought it would be fine to just wait until 3 months before the wedding and find a venue. He is completely unaware of what actually goes into planning an event like a wedding, to be honest a lot of guys don't know or aren't as detail oriented as we are. Eventually, what I found I had to do was to gather a few options of everything that fit into our budget, ideal location etc, and then present it to him as a choice. I actually printed pictures of the options and was basically like, okay look at these three pictures of cakes. Which one do you like best? I literally did that with EVERYTHING - cake design, invitations, venue, food. It made him feel more comfortable making choices because it wasn't so overwhelming. He just had to pick one of the three that I had already narrowed down. I know it's frustrating, especially when it's the second time around, and you want things to turn out perfect, it's really easy to overthink things (I had a serious battle with myself over this) and its easy to find red flags in every little comment. I have been there!

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  • Genna
    Curious July 2022 British Columbia
    Genna ·
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    Should I be concerned with the big breath and then the okay let's get this done and over with attitude?
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  • Genna
    Curious July 2022 British Columbia
    Genna ·
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    We gotta stick together 💙
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  • L
    Newbie April 2022 Ontario
    Linda ·
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    I feel like I wrote that. Wow I thought it was just my FH who was so stubborn. I don't have any advice, as I haven't found a solution yet. But your not alone!!
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  • Vinod
    Featured August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    Lots of FH are just not interested to know the detail of work we go through the planning process and décor concept. They feel they don't have much to do and what answers we want to hear when asked questions or views on things. Procrastinating seems to be their way of doing things as we do the work as early as possible. I went through the same though some of the answers given weren't as expected within the budget. It was put into views that made sense to my husband so that he knew what cost he was looking at and agreed on the same page as me.

    Communication isn't their strong suit to begin with about weddings. Best way I would have done this process if he was as your FH would be making a folder with the following information to fill out and a deadline.

    Guest List

    Best Man and Groomsmen

    Décor views and colours

    Vendors and payments methods of his half

    List of things of his share to be completed

    This should start to open up more communication from his end knowing you don't have to do it alone. Together you can conquer more and efficiently. Express how important this means to you and if he is serious about the relationship. Actions speak more than words and keep that in mind if you feel this is going the first time planning process to avoid. Wedding talk should be once a week and decide how you two will come to terms of getting the list done as one.

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  • Ashley
    VIP August 2020 Ontario
    Ashley ·
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    Oh you need to explain to him that theres a crap load of planning and for him to start soon. dont over load him but keep him in the loop like say im making a rough guest list you should make one too. and pick one task a month for you guys to work on so its not all wedding talk all the time and at least you have enough time to get all the planning done without rushing!! but either way congrats sooo exciting

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  • Casey
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Casey ·
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    Unfortunately, there are very few guys who are planners. My Husband was involved in the main things like picking our date, venue, vendors and what he was wearing. But for anything else like flowers, colours of the girls dresses, music etc, he couldn't be bothered.

    That's just who he is and there was no changing that. Maybe give him a couple tasks to complete on his own. I did this for the Groomsmen gifts and completely left it up to him, which that made him excited to be planning something for his guys.

    Some of the wedding details are not as important to guys as they are to us women

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  • Sherisse
    Curious September 2022 Ontario
    Sherisse ·
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    So my FH is a very logical person, he needs to given a task that he can 100% do and relate to . Example; trying to explain to him there’s a difference between lilac and lavender; it goes right over his head, however he’s a chef so he’s in charge of tasting, booking consultations with the caterers, the menu. He likes to get things done quickly so if the planning session lasts more than 2-3 hours he’ll get headache lmao 😆 so my advice would to delegate tasks, find what he’s good at and tell him hey so I need 10 possible DJ vendors by Friday and I’ll find photographers and on Friday we will make appointment and send emails. Done and done! Also don’t be so hard on him, he obvi loves you and wants to spend his life with you and that probably where his head is at. Not so much the difference between egg white and porcelain ✌🏽
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  • Ashley
    Curious August 2021 Alberta
    Ashley ·
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    My FH is somewhat the same, saying "whatever makes you happy", which I love at times. Once I started talking budget and why we need to plan ahead (more time to pay for things) he understood the need to start early. Also telling him (the truth) that our venue is already half booked for summer 2021 made him understand. Something more logical like that might help?
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  • Tori
    Top October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori ·
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    To be fair - it's not February? If he is anything like my DH; when he says you will start planning in February, that means February and anything you say in December is pointless. Come February though, if he isn't helping out or interested then I would be a little worried. No point in worrying yet though, if anything bringing it up now (even just a colour scheme) could make him less interested.

    My DH also wasn't that involved in the research aspect but when it came to finding a venue and picking a date he was invested so it might just be that most is done by you - which for me was okay because I'm a control freak. If anything, my DH having an opinion was annoying Smiley tongue

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  • M
    Frequent user May 2021 Ontario
    Megan ·
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    I would have a conversation about your ex. I know! The worst conversation ever. But it sounds right now like you're being triggered by the same pattern of behaviour that came from someone who really hurt you now coming from someone you love. You don't have to go super in depth, but even just saying "hey, last time I got married, I did all the planning for it, and he didn't seem really excited. It's left a pretty bad taste in my mouth for wedding planning. I am really hoping that this time is different, and I would love for you to help with some decisions. I get that planning isn't your thing, but your support and any enthusiasm you can muster will be so appreciated."


    Then ask him which parts of the wedding he most cares about. Maybe the few things you've asked about just don't happen to be the things that he's into. Or maybe he thinks that because you're such a planner, you secretly want to plan the whole thing out yourself. Or maybe he thinks his opinions aren't any good!


    Make it a nice little romantic night in; my FH and I ordered a pizza and a bottle of red wine and put our favourite show on in the background when we started wedding planning so that it felt nice and romantic and exciting!

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  • Genna
    Curious July 2022 British Columbia
    Genna ·
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    We planned a trip to Greece last year. He hated planning and just pawned it off on a vacation planner. If he does that he can pay for it. He's that type of guy lol
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  • Rayanne
    Featured June 2022 Ontario
    Rayanne Online ·
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    I think the best way to get some kind of response is to give him choices, do you like this or this. Unfortunately I think a lot of this is going to fall on you....however, being a procrastinator he at least will be there in the final hour.... I hope you can find some joy in planning and some reassurance that he is not your first husband. I mean most men just dont care about colours. Maybe if you talk about the honeymoon it'll perk up his interest? Ask him where he'd like to go.
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