Wedding date with a procrastinator

You need to sit down with him and tell him how youre feeling. it doesnt matter if its your first or second marriage. you could also book a hall for 2021 so you have a "set date" to tell people

View quoted message I have one of those fiances that told everyone including me that marriage was NEVER going to happen, ever. Yet here we are engaged for 2 weeks with a date picked and meetings set up to look at venues. Maybe you two need to have a serious talk about where you're both at in the relationship.

View quoted message I couldn't believe how quickly places booked up! I contacted one place that only had a small handful of dates left for 2021; eye opening for sure.


Fingers crossed it all goes well for you guys .

View quoted message Really feels like you hit the head on the nail. I think I'm going to Google one of the things that he mentioned a while before just to see how fast it's booked

View quoted message I swear I replied to this but my second comment hasn't seem to have gone through.


Hopefully that's all it is . Maybe once he sees how quickly things book up he will be more likely to ge this butt in gear. My fiance didnt want to wait to get married but didnt seem to understand that we needed to book things Yesterday if that was the case lol. He's been much more willing to be involved in the process now that he understands it's more stressful to wait; hopefully your guy will realize that once you show him that these places don't save spots and you need to at least hammer down some basics like a month or season and some possible venues. That's how we got the ball rolling for us .

View quoted message Not rude at all. That's the big part of it. He doesn't want to plan yet because he doesn't want to stress me out. I'm fine though and he doesn't get that. Plus he really doesn't understand how planning works and how things book up.. At all...lol you brought up a really valid point

View quoted message Sometimes guys dont get it. Maybe he doesnt understand things book up a year or more in advance. We just got engaged in November and I showed him a list of places I thought suited us and when he said he liked them I sent a follow up email asking for available dates; when I showed him most places were already booked for 2020 and most were half booked for 2021 that seemed to get the ball rolling for him.


Has he said why he wants to wait? Unless money is the issue I dont see why It needs to be so far in advance (3 years as he said). I mean on one hand if you're young what's the rush but on the other why propose and say you want to marry someone when you dont want to for several years 🤷‍♀️. Sorry I hope this doesnt come off as rude .

Genna, I'm going to be very blunt here: It shouldn't be this hard.
No one who is a healthy choice to marry makes you feel unwanted, reminds you of abusive exes, or requires arm twisting to, y'know, follow through with what he said and actually marry you.
When I said before that putting your cards on the table would make things clear I wasn't kidding. He either cares about you or he doesn't. It isn't about just getting your way, it's about this really big stuff including your vulnerability and trauma (and a history of abuse means there has been trauma) *meaning something to him*.And apparently it doesn't.
How does he respond when you are bawling your eyes out? Because loving partners care about that stuff. If a conversation with my husband resulted in me bawling my eyes out, his whole world would stop to be with me and listen. I would do the same if he was ever that distressed.
Listen to your gut. Listen to that part of yourself that realizes something is very wrong here, that knows that this shouldn't be this hard. You deserve happiness.

UPDATE
I tried talking to him last night and ended up bawling my eyes out. Told him how I felt he wrecked the moment at his uncle's house and how him joking about more than a few years is not right. I reiterated that I don't want a long engagement and I don't want to go past 2021. His response is always why do we need to set a date? I'm not setting A date in setting a limit of how long to wait, with a procrastinator I feel that is extremely important. He keeps saying I'm forcing him into a date or words it as him not getting a say. I told him this a while ago and he said ok. Am I missing something here? I don't understand at all. I'm not going crazy planning things. I don't want to. I was happy in my bubble looking at wedding dress ideas and flower ideas knowing it will happen some day in 2021... Then he popped the bubble.

Welcome!

This seems to be a red flag on his part he doesn't take you seriously and respectful towards your decisions at all. All the jokes and fun he makes out of it seems ridiculous in front of his family and other people. You two need to sit down and really set rules towards this engagement and show how serious you are towards him and he doesn't show the same, there is a problem and he will never acknowledge it. I don't mean to be mean when it comes out this way, breaking it off early and getting out of the situation you have been in before seems better and he finds someone that is willing to pay his way through life. You don't need to go through this road alone. I go through the same as being financially dragged down by my husband with all his dilemmas.

He feels he doesn't need to find a job, being secure in life and trustworthy of his word to this marriage to be funny and seeking long term trust.

I have situations myself before I got married to my husband who is a procrastinator too and feels he doesn't want to do the things I say seem important.

Find your true happiness in life and really dig down in your heart to find that he is the right one for you or just another guy that is going to break your heart. No one wants to see that happen ever and look out for yourself first of all things.

I hope this is something that can be taken from someone that is feeling somewhat the same with stress and feelings of insecurity of a procrastinator husband.

Welcome to wedding wire.


I think you maybe need to put your cards on the table. Tell him that you are concerned he is dragging his feet. That his "jokes" about not getting married for years are hurting you. That you would like him to commit to a wedding date.
I think how he responds to that will tell you everything you need to know.

View quoted message And that's what we originally said except my saying I don't want a long engagement. 1.5yrs. I've said it numerous times. I was ok until he starts telling people after a couple years.. 3 or more years.. etc

View quoted message I know with my fiance that when he gets overwhelmed his phrase tends to be "whatever you want, I don't care".
Maybe take a break from wedding planning and give him time to get used to being a fiance. A few months of waiting will seem like an eternity, but it might help.

View quoted message I feel like he simply won't take it seriously. That when it is time to talk about planning he will just not want to do it. This date means a lot to me and nothing to him

I feel like having a cozy date night in with the purpose of picking a date is something you should bring up. Stress that this is important to you, and that you're currently feeling like he isn't making enough effort to support you and your marriage. Order your favorite comfort food, break open a bottle of wine or a few beer and relax.


If you want to approach it with less confrontation you can say that venues are already booking or a photographer you like is having a sale but you need to know the date so you can book them (I've seen a few boxing day sales btw). If you do a bit of research into something you want to and need to book (together or alone) you can start to narrow down the dates and that might light a fire under him. Or at least narrow it down to a season, or eliminate a few dates you hate (one of our options was September 11...no thanks!)
I will say that my fiance wanted a non-wedding planning bubble after we got engaged. He had spent a lot of time and money on the ring (months of me sending him things I liked at his request). I explained that we needed a few of the big things rolling then we could wait until the new year. He said it helped once we started looking at photographers, he understood then why we had to get the big stuff in line early.