Wanting an intimate wedding - how to break the news?

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement and wisdom!
We’ve decided to just go with our small family gathering but the venues we like are big enough to add a few extra close friends. We’ll make that decision closer to as we’re still 1.5 years away!
We’ll still be keeping it very intimate and hopefully everyone will understand but ultimately the day is supposed to be about my fiancé and I so we’re just going to keep reminding ourselves of that fact 😊

Guest list is the one factor we face or increasing or decreasing. The stress of questioning who is close and not so close to invite bugs us. Intimate wedding seems fair as its small enough for family to be present and affordable budgeting.

You two invite only the ones you feel should be present on the day and no one has the right to say anything. Others that aren't invited may have their say of words feeling offended while the rest of the family gets invitations. Your happiness is what matters most of all and always forever over guests feeling obligated to be there.

I totally understand where you’re coming from. We’re having a small 30 guest wedding for a few reasons (besides covid): we were very limited budget wise and we didn’t want a big splash with obligatory invites. We had some struggles with the guest list in terms of who to invite and who through they deserved an invite.
At the end of the day, it is your decision. People will get offended no matter what you do just because. It’s their choice to get offended rather than sit and understand the reasoning behind you wanting to elope. Unfortunately, we as brides cannot control that reaction but we can provide some rationale to help them understand that the decision isn’t personal. If people get really unreasonable and say they’re coming anyways, explain to your guests that are attending to not disclose the location to anyone. I hope things work out for you!

Thats so hard... can you do a small backyard thing to invite a few people like maybe 30? that way they can come and enjoy?

View quoted message I hope everything works out for your guest list and wedding!! I’m sure everyone will get over it (especially the younger ones once they try planning their own weddings lol)

View quoted message It totally makes sense! I suppose I just wanted to make sure I’m not this horrible selfish person for not wanting to throw a massive event we don’t want

I get the dilemma you're in. I had the same issue and posted about it a week ago. FH wanted just the two of us to get married. I wanted something small maybe 30 people and nothing formal. Everytime we added names to the list it was "if I add this person then I have to add that person". The list was probably 200 people then narrowed down to 130. I decided on 80 people last week and put down a deposit. It was a hard decision because I know my mom is upset and I definitely will be offending lots of people.
I agree with everything Kelcie has said in her post.
Also, I feel if intimate and immediate family just means parents and siblings on both sides, then that actually is actually easier to explain ( which you're not obligted to do) rather then if you invite aunt Jane and Jackie but don't invite aunt Lisa. If that makes sense.

View quoted message I don't agree. I was invited to my fourth year uni roommates wedding, I did attend but I will not be inviting her to my wedding. We lived in a house of 5 for about 8 months. There were no issues when we lived together and we were definitely friendly with eachother but I never considered her a friend and i don't even talk to her anymore.

View quoted message You definitely don't need to do that. You should have the people you hold dearest at your wedding. Like my mom put it "a wedding is like a big family dinner with a few friends" so when picking a guest list you should think about who you want and not who wants to be there.

View quoted message My FH has been amazing through this and has pretty much said that whatever I want we can do which is very sweet (but not overly helpful lol) but I definitely don’t want him to feel uncomfortable on what should be a very happy day for us. I love the idea of having an anniversary celebration in the future!!

Thanks for the advice ladies! I read some opinion pieces on the internet and it said if someone invited you to their wedding in the last 18 months you should invite them to yours. Thoughts? I feel like that is more if you are having a larger wedding with friends/extended family.

I was in a similar situation with my FH. He wanted to elope and not do the big wedding. I was able to convince him that we should have a wedding but when inviting family and friends we have only 60 guest so it was easier to do so.


One thing I think you should look into is having a big celebration at the 5 or 10 year anniversary. Its something my FH preferred to the big wedding because he thinks its better to celebrate a marriage that lasts. Maybe this is something to discuss?

I think Kelcie really hit the nail on the head.


Another small tip I would offer is to let the family who is invited to stay quiet so that people aren't hurt about not being there too. If possible keep the date as secret as possible and let the attendees know that your wedding is intimate and private.

Hey Stefanie! First off, congratulations on your engagement! An intimate wedding sounds beautiful and, honestly, it's a wise choice given the current state of affairs. I have quite a few thoughts on your situation and how you might proceed, so this advice may be pretty long-winded, but here goes!

If I were in your shoes, I would just be as direct as possible. Tell people that, while you love them, you and your fiance have reached the firm (emphasis on "firm") decision to limit attendance to immediate family. Explain, as you did in your post, that if you expand the guest list beyond immediate family, it will quickly reach triple digits due to the number of people you'd then feel obligated to include (i.e. you don't want to pick and choose between friends and friend groups, invite this cousin but not that cousin, this aunt but not that aunt, etc. That's a recipe for even more hurt feelings. It's an "all or nothing" scenario).

Although you're obviously not required to justify your decision to anybody, it may be helpful--for your own sake--if you're also prepared to explain why you two do not want a big, elaborate wedding. Because people may press you on it, especially your close friends and cousin. Off the top of my head, I can think of several reasons why a couple may choose to elope or have an intimate wedding:

- They want to keep costs as low as possible and spend the money saved on a lasting asset like a home.
- One or both of them are private and introverted, or just plain uncomfortable with the idea of sharing such a profound and emotional moment in front of a big crowd of people, some of whom they may not have met before. Basically, they don't want to deal with all of the attention that a big wedding entails.
- They don't have the time or energy to plan and orchestrate a large wedding, whether it be because of their jobs, family obligations, health issues, etc.
- They want to keep things small so they can get married in the near future (rather than waiting 1.5 years for an opening at a venue that can accommodate 100 people) and then shift focus to other life goals, such as a family.
- They want to ensure their wedding will fit within current and future gathering restrictions to avoid any pandemic-related stress/disruptions (note--this is a HUGE issue for engaged couples nowadays, as you can probably appreciate. If people are difficult you could always play this card, even if it isn't your "true" justification LOL).

This is obviously not an exhaustive list. There are many other valid reasons. And, to repeat, you do not NEED to justify your choice or have a specific "reason" for wanting a small wedding. But if you offer a more robust explanation (i.e. something beyond "a big wedding just doesn't appeal to us"), I think friends and family would be less likely to take it personally. So if one or more of the reasons I've listed does ring true for you, maybe incorporate it into your explanation when you're having these tough conversations with friends and family?

Finally, you should emphasize that you love them and that you'd be thrilled to celebrate your marriage with them in some other fashion. Go to dinner. Have a barbecue. Plan an informal party. It sounds like the people you're most concerned about are close ones who really care about you, so hopefully they'll get over any sour grapes pretty quickly, resume being happy for you, and accept the idea of celebrating in some other way. Good luck!!