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Holly
VIP June 2019 Ontario

Upset About Including Brothers

Holly, on September 9, 2018 at 16:30 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 15
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So I was trying to find a way to include my brothers and I was thinking they could be ushers or something. Not the traditional definition of an usher where they seat everyone ect..but where they can help the coordinator in making sure guests don't sit in reserved areas and also have like an "honourary bridesman" role. So pretty much the role I'd want for them is to help make sure the coordinator is not too overwhelmed with seating, then walking the maid of honour down the aisle together. So I was going to talk to them and explain this but my mom decided to instead, without telling me. But all she told them is that they would have to seat people and usher them... So I ask my older brother, thinking once I explained my definition of what role they will play they will be okay with it..but before I can even explain it my oldest brother shuts me down and says no because he's not going to usher anyone. My younger brother had also turned me down for the same reason. Then my older brother pretty much tells me he doesn't want to be "included" because he's family and that's included enough. Doesn't even want to hear my explanation of what his role would be. So I'm really really upset by this because I really wanted both my brother's apart of the ceremony. But neither of them want anything to do with being included.
Now I'm also furious at my mom because she can NEVER keep things to herself and she always has to tell people things she has no right in telling...
I'm just so annoyed with this situation now and just want to say fine, you don't want to be included because "family is enough" then you're just a guest! But that would start a whole new thing that I don't want to deal with.
I just I just needed to vent and get my emotions out..

15 Comments

Latest activity by Bianca, on September 21, 2018 at 11:40
  • Bianca
    Master August 2019 Ontario
    Bianca ·
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    If he doesn't want to be a part of it, maybe just leave him out. I figure at the end of the day it looks odd on them (not you) that they're not included.

    Ugh, family!

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  • Kelly
    Expert September 2019 Manitoba
    Kelly ·
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    Sorry you're disappointed by their responses. It probably hurts that they don't want to be part of it.

    Maybe let things settle before bringing it up again. But definitely sit down with both of them and say that it was important for you to include them on the day because you love them and they're important to you. And ask them if there's anything in particular they might want to be involved in. If they don't want any responsibilities, then that's okay.

    They're you're immediate family, so they'll never be "just a guest". I know it seems like a lame alternative, but maybe get them each a boutonniere, and personally give them to them on the day. And make sure to tell you photographer to get shots of just the 3 of you.

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  • Sara
    Frequent user January 2021 Alberta
    Sara ·
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    Your Mom shouldn't have butted in the way she did, and your brother could have handled it a lot better - not allowing you to even speak is ridiculous.

    However, I totally understand where he is coming from. The "usher" role is completely unnecessary and basically just a forced role to make you feel better about them not being in the wedding party. They are perfectly happy to be there as guests - they don't need a made up role in the wedding.

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  • Janis
    Curious June 2019 Ontario
    Janis ·
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    Hey Holly, really sorry to hear the unnecessary family drama. You’re right that your mom was wrong with informing your brothers with false information. I think that you should possibly sit down with all of then and talk it out? Maybe your groom can be there hopefully he can help mediate. Explain your point of view and how your intention was entirely different then what your mom made them think. I just don’t think it’s fair that they don’t hear YOUR SIDE of the story first. I hope you’re able to work this out because it’s an emotional process and it really could’ve been avoided if you were able to speak to your brothers yourself. (If it makes you feel better, my mom made up her own guest list apart from mine! I’m paying for the wedding so I said not happening!)
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  • Janis
    Curious June 2019 Ontario
    Janis ·
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    I’m sorry to hear that. I have only one brother and he did the same thing. Both my sisters and my groom’s sister are my bridal party. My groom wants my brother to be in the grooms party but my brother keeps explicitly saying he doesn’t want any part in being IN the party. Annoying but I want to include all my siblings. Will see what happens.
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  • Bianca
    Master August 2019 Ontario
    Bianca ·
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    I had my brother tell my mom that he hopes I didn't ask him to be a part of the wedding (he's in Ottawa, the rest of us are in Toronto), and I was really hurt too. It made me feel like he wasn't excited for my wedding and he's also said other things that make it seem like it's a burden for him to come down for my wedding.

    It sucks but I've just gotten over it. I took time to deal with the emotions and understand that it's his issues, not mine that are fueling his decision.

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  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
    Holly ·
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    I'm definitely going to bring it up again, not right away because I just don't want to deal with the upset and stress right now. I tried the explain to them they don't have to do the usher part of it but can still be involved but they just didn't listen. So I'll bring it up when I can figure out how to specifically explain what I've already been trying to tell them. I won't be offended if they don't want any role or anything at all, that's totally fine! Just not the way they both handled it when I originally asked...they 100% could have been nicer about it. So fingers crossed I can get the real thing through to them and we can all settled the situation lol
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  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
    Holly ·
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    I know I don't have to include them but I WANT to include them because they mean a lot to me and I love them!
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  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
    Holly ·
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    Thanks but I am not "forcing" anything. If you actually clearly read what I wrote you'd understand why I'm upset.
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  • Kay
    Devoted September 2018 Nova Scotia
    Kay ·
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    Honestly, I'd be more annoyed at being forced into a "job" that I didn't want to do, than being excluded.

    Your oldest brother pretty much nailed it - being your family, and being there is inclusive enough. I would respect their decisions, and let them enjoy the wedding. Don't make this a big deal. Let them attend as a family member/guest like all your other family.

    Don't push it. They will be there for you on your day, and that should be the most important thing.

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  • Lucy
    Frequent user July 2019 Ontario
    Lucy ·
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    You don’t have to include every family member in your wedding. To me, being an usher or minding the guest book are jobs you give to people you don’t have/want in your party but you feel obligated to find something for them. I’d rather just be a regular guest than an obligation.

    Apart from walking with the MOH, you still have them monitoring the seating arrangements. How is that different from being a traditional usher?
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  • Tori
    Top October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori ·
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    I know that their choice to be just a guest to support you on your big day but I would still write them a physical letter/email and send it to them.

    Explain that you are aware that they may still feel the same way but that you wanted to make sure that the understand you weren't asking what your mom was telling them. Then after you give them your thoughts of what you WERE actually wondering if they would do, let them know once again that you didn't mean for them to be offended and that you really would like them to be apart of your wedding day in some way but that you understand if what you are asking is still something that they wouldn't be interested in.

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  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
    Holly ·
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    I'd be okay with this whole situation if they would have been a little more polite when saying no. I feel like the way they handled it was just a joke, like it meant nothing. That's what really upset and disappointed me. But they both made it clear they'd rather be more like guests than anything else. I'll get over it, I know I will but I still expected at least a nicer turn down.
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  • Clarissa
    Expert October 2018 Saskatchewan
    Clarissa ·
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    I understand the disappointment that your brothers don’t want to take a more active role in your ceremony. But they will be doing the most important thing. Which is showing up to support you on this important day. Try not to take it too personally because they will be there supporting you no matter what.

    It’s ok to be disappointed and angry right now but I would try to focus on the fact that you have supportive brothers that will be there for you. Have them seated in the front row or maybe have them walk in right before the parents if they are open to that. Not everyone enjoys being an active part of wedding ceremonies and it really is nice to just sit back and enjoy the moment with the rest of the guests.
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  • Casey
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Casey ·
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    We were actually just at a wedding last night and my cousin was the groom. Of course his friends were in the wedding party. The bride had 2 brothers who did exactly what you were wanting your brothers to do. They helped seat people and then they also walked the grandparents down the isle to be seated.
    It is difficult to hear that your brothers don’t want to be included. But maybe they will need some time to think about it and remember that it’s your day!
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