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Expert June 2019 Ontario

Step Parents

Holly, on January 3, 2018 at 18:57 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 10

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I'm having a bit of an issue and have been for a while, and for some reason it only dawned on me that this is probably one of the best ways to get unbias opinions!

Both my parents are divorced, and remarried. I have a great relationship with my step mom, I consider her a second mom to me, however is the complete opposite for my stepdad. The day before I got engaged my stepdad and I got into a fight about something really stupid, instead of spending the night at their house we decided to leave and stay in a motel. A week later my mom called me and told me I need to apologize and if I didn't both him and her will not be attending my wedding. Now this whole situation eventually did get resolved however I am still hurt by this. Him and my mom ignored me for about 2 months, and in that time I arranged plans to visit my dad and stepmom in Kentucky to go dress shopping (this upcoming February). But now that we are all on a better page with eachother I think my mom expects me to include my stepdad in the wedding as a father role in some way. Both me and my fiance have agreed to allow him to attend but he will just be a guest. I don't want to hurt my mom because my stepmom will be a mother of the bride and she's going dress shopping with me.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? Any advice on how to deal with a possibly awkward and upsetting conversation with my mom?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Vanessa, on January 5, 2018 at 21:11

Expert August 2018 Manitoba
Vanessa · On January 5, 2018 at 21:11
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I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My FH and I both have parents that have been together for 30 plus years but in that being mentioned doesn't mean that I get along with his dad. He is the type that he walks into the room when its just family and everyone goes quiet as you don't know if its a good day or a bad day. He even told my FMIL that I talk to much even though he walked into us having a discussion.
I do have a unique situation though as I am inviting my exes Dad and Stepmom to our wedding as they have been an important part in my daughters life and have never gone away. They have excepted my FH as part of their extended family as well. My ex disowned his dad and stepmom years into our old relationship and I never agreed with this at all. So as I have told my daughter I have adopted them, they are our family now. So I don't know if I will give them both a rose to pin on their outfit but they definitely will be invited. The positive note for you is you still have sometime to make a decision about what to do. A flower may be the way to go along with including him in your speech. Its hard sometimes not to keep on your toes about things that's for sure. If cost is a concern costco has cheap flowers and it shouldn't cost that much to make.
On the other hand my daughter will have it difficult later on in life when it comes to her getting married as her father and I are not together (bad bad bad relationship and shes only 9 and wishes she could pick the time she spends with her dad. And on her dads side of the family everyone has had a divorce or 2. I am thankful that my daughter has a close relationship with her soon to be official Step Dad. Her dad's already told her that for graduation that he won't pay for her dress. He says mean things to her all the time too. I could only imagine him at a future wedding.
I don't know why some people have to be so cruel.
Best of Luck
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Master September 2017 Ontario
Erin · On January 5, 2018 at 13:38
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I don't think you need to include him in a parent role if you are not comfortable with that. I think you need to explain your feelings to your mum and just anticipate her being hurt and confused and she may even lash out. At the end of the day you do not need to rationalize your decision to anyone other than yourself as it is your wedding.
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Super July 2018 Ontario
Courtney · On January 4, 2018 at 17:09
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It's definitely tough to include step parents.. both my FH and I have divorced parents some of which have partners. We decided what moments are important to us, and otherwise sort of .. don't care (Rude I know).

My dad did ask for his wife to be included during planning, But frankly - I already have 4 parents who want to be included and need to worry about let alone their partners. His wife has two daughters of her own as well, so I don't really feel bad and want to make sure my mum knows she's #1. I've invited my dad and his wife to the food tasting at the venue as they are helping with the venue cost but that's it.
We aren't involving my FH wife (or dad) really at all as that's a bit of a rocky relationship. His dad will have a boutineer but that's it.

Keep in mind this day is about you guys.
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Super July 2018 British Columbia
Maegan · On January 4, 2018 at 15:55
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I feel that is entirely acceptable to not include him other than a thank you. Glad to hear they are trying to make it up to you though!

My rational for not including my step dad is because he isnt a parent to me... He is my moms husband. We get along very well but only because he understands that we are not his kids and that my moms relationship with her kids will trump her relationship with him. And he has never tried to change that. I appreciate him which is why we are trying to include him as the MC...

But realistically every step parent dynamic will be different and need to be treated differently. And that clearly is the case with you and your stepmom vs stepdad. Good luck talking to them! Hope it all works out!
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On January 4, 2018 at 15:03
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He has kindly offered to pay and get our wine made for us so that is a step in the right direction. It's not really a super formal wedding so I don't think anyone will have boutonnieres. I'm definitely going to make a mention of him in my speech but as of right now that may be it.. thank you!
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On January 4, 2018 at 15:01
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I am not 100% sure if she wants him included, I feel she may have hinted once or twice but I supper only time will tell. But I will be honest with her and him. They have come a long way with trying to get on my good side. They are paying for all the wine to be made so that's great! But I just feel that he doesn't deserve a special anything, other than a thank you in my speech.
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On January 4, 2018 at 15:00
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I agree! I've never had an issue with him before but he recently had to start a new diet for his health so he's been kind of all over the place with his moods and he just lost it and took it way out of hand. I'm glad it's behind us but I'm still hurt by him and my mom for this.
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Super August 2018 Alberta
Amanda · On January 4, 2018 at 00:30
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In my honest opinion, if they are going to “threaten” that they wouldn’t be attending your wedding, then they don’t deserve a more important role in it. If being a part of your day mattered to them that much then they shouldn’t have made a comment like that. Regardless of the situation. The people who really want to be a part of your big day wouldn’t even think of missing it, for any reason.
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Super July 2018 British Columbia
Maegan · On January 3, 2018 at 20:02
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Thats a tricky conversation to have tactfully... Knowing me id probably just be super blunt about it regardless of the consequences...

We are asking my stepdad to be our MC, but he will not be included with my parents in the wedding.
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Devoted August 2018 Ontario
Ashleigh · On January 3, 2018 at 19:33
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You could give him a boutionniere so that he feels special and it shows he's being recognized as your mom's partner. You don't owe him anything above that, especially given the rocky past.
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