Second guessing

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You're definitely not broken! Everyone just has different feelings about planning a wedding that they might not even be aware of until they're faced with planning.

Okay, I'm glad I read your other comments, because the first thing that came to my mind when reading your post was my sister... She was engaged for 2 years and never felt the desire to plan.. finally actually needing to confirm a guest count to put a deposit on a venue was her trigger to realize she didn't want to get married, and her relationship ended...

However, from the sounds of it from your other comments... you're just in a stage of limbo where you're happy as is, but people are expecting you to be a blushing bride and be excited about planning a big wedding.

If that's not you, don't do it! It's enough pressure for a girl who DREAMS about her wedding and is 'so excited' to plan it... but if you're forcing yourself to do it? You'll be miserable!!

I agree with Dar.... Have a conversation with your FH... Tell him you either go small, quaint, simple, easy (It's probably easier for you to just look at it like a celebration with immediate family and closest friends)... or he needs to plan it.

I wanted the big wedding, I wanted all the details, all the planning, and I just ran ideas past my FH, and he shared opinions where he cared... That's the "traditional" way... but if he's the one wanting the big shindig, and you don't, then the roles need to reverse. He can't expect you to do all the work for something only he wants.

I think a nice, in-depth conversation with your FH is needed. Even if you don't want a big wedding, you're still supposed to be enjoying yourself... Best of luck!

Hey Shla, I feel like this sometimes! Especially since we are planning from a distance, it gets overwhelming somedays.

I agree about talking things over with your FH and see if he would take a more active roll in planning if he's the one who wants a wedding.

Yes second thoughts happened twice and was resumed during the planning. My husband at the time was not the one so excited about the wedding. We fought often based on financial when he wasn't paying for the most part and just complaining about my family the whole time.

To the point of second thoughts, 1st time he brought up about not getting married is when I made the call to cancel the vendors and 2 paid half the amount back. Others just kept knowing this happens often with minds being changed. The second time months after, I told him straight up call yourself and deal with it if he felt we shouldn't go through it. He decided to leave them alone and not call and let me take care of the rest of the planning.

Your FH is the same I went through with mine as I imagine not the same family issues though complains. He needs to just step back and breath. Remind him of what he wanted and why he loves you. Husbands always need a reminder and to remain calm no matter what happens in life.

Life lesson I learned and still training my husband many ways! LOL. Good luck and hope you get your day peaceful and the way you vision it.

Yikes - it sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your FH. If its important to him, then he needs to put in the time and effort to plan it. Let him know you can help but that you're not interested in, or enjoying, doing the planning.

View quoted message Have you spoken to him about taking the reign on wedding planning in that case? If it’s more important to him than it is to you then at least he can execute his vision while you assist from the sideline (if need be) so that he’s enjoying himself and you are too (as a result of not being fussed about it!)

Or perhaps he could meet you in the middle: you could wed, but perhaps have a smaller elopement?

View quoted message Then I would explain to him that you’re not interested in planning and it’s on him to do so. When I originally had that conversation with my FH I was met with the “but the bride always plans weddings”. To which I clearly but firmly told him that’s because it’s normally the bride that wants it. If he wants it, then he needs to plan it and I would take on the groom’s role of showing up and offering opinions when asked. (He lost interest in a big wedding pretty flipping fast when he realized he would have to do the actual work, let me tell you). We actually found a small all inclusive venue for a semi-elopement and I did my planning in less than 10 hours over 2 months - so there are other options out there.

Also, there’s no law that says you have to plan this thing. If he wants it, he can lead the way on the planning of it.

I just want to really stress based on one of your earlier posts that this is not a ‘you’ problem. What you are describing falls more and more in line with what I see amongst my peers (elopements, no weddings, unconventional weddings), but once you get into the nitty gritty it becomes really easy to lose sight of that. Stay firm in what you need to be happy!

View quoted message Oh my life is pretty much always one giant stress ball haha. But I know he and I definitely don't agree on anything when it comes to weddings. I find them pointless, personally. I have never understood the big deal. To me, being completely non-religious and not having any cultural ties or family that put a huge pressure on being married, I don't see the point in the wedding or the documents. To me its all just kind of a waste of time and resources. Throwing a huge party and signing a paper won't make me any more or less committed and faithful so I just genuinely have never seen the point. He has just always made it super clear that it's important to him.

I think that Valérie has the right idea - have a super relaxed and romantic night or weekend with the FH and see how you feel from there. If you still don't really feel motivated to plan for your big day with him then maybe see how he feels about elopement, hiring a wedding planner, or having him take the lead. I would hate to see your wedding come and go with nothing but a deposit lost because nothing got done.

I have felt unmotivated with this planning before and I just straight up told my FH that either he does it or it doesn't get done because it's stressing me out too much. Your FH may just surprise you with how much he can get done - I know mine did.

I'm sorry to hear you're second guessing it, Shla! I have the same questions as Dar below; while I haven't experienced this (yet), I feel like I would if I were planning something my heart wasn't in.

Is there something else in your life that is stressing you out? I find when I'm stressed about other aspects of my life, I'm less inclined to plan.

Hey! I’m not sure what the plan is for your wedding, but is it what YOU want and not what you think you’re supposed to want? And if the two don’t match up, do you have the flexibility to change it?

I always wanted to elope but when we forst started talking about it, my FH was adamant we would have to have a wedding or his parents would never forgive him. I love planning events, but had no desire at all to plan a wedding. So I very firmly told him that if he really wanted one, I would be supportive but would not be planning it.

There is is nothing broken with you for not wanting to become an unpaid event planner in your spare time. If your FH is super excited about it, then maybe he needs to take point on planning this thing and you play the supporting role.

Or you may need to think about what you want from your wedding and do a plan change. There is nothing wrong with a JP marrying you in your living room or eloping, if that is more your style.

But absolutely don’t let yourself or anyone else make you feel bad for not being super excited about this event. My FH refers to it as an expensive contract signing and honestly I agree. Hope things get better!

View quoted message It's been fine, honestly. We don't often argue or anything. And he's excited and knows exactly what he wants. I dunno. Maybe I'm just broken or something.

How is your relationship with your FH? I know that I get unmotivated to plan when FH and I are fighting or just not meshing for one reason or another.

I definitely go through phases with planning. I think some people just get more excited about things than others and that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it.

View quoted message Honestly we haven't even done anything since booking the venue in August. Like nothing. Because I honestly have no interest in planning it. At all. It seems really weird to not want to do anything.

Hey Shia!

I'm sorry you're going through all of those emotions. You're definitely not alone in the second-guessing game. I mean, you've probably seen threads on here about brides second-guessing their dresses, the venue or other vendors, it happens!

I say, maybe it's time for a planning break. There's nothing wrong with not looking at pinterest, WeddingWire or your planner for a week (or two). Do something else, plan a date with your man, turn your bathroom into a home spa for the night, read that book you wanted to start weeks ago, watch a movie and have a lazy evening, binge watch RuPaul's drag race (guilty!!) haha.

When you feel ready, address what's bothering you with your FH. Talk it out!

I hope you feel better and know that you're not alone