Rethinking Bridesmaids

I totally understand what you are feeling. I was really torn about who I wanted for bridesmaids, but my reason was more so because I wanted to keep adding people so others wouldn’t feel left out. In the end, my solution was to not have any bridesmaids at all. For me I realized that it wasn’t worth it because I was stressing more about how other people would feel rather than myself, and it wasn’t that important to me to have bridesmaids.
If you hate the idea of them being honorary, but they are too important to you to be just guests, maybe you could figure out what part about them being honorary turns you off. You could also think about which parts you want them to be included in.
If you decide you want them to be bridesmaids and you want to include them in the planning process, maybe you could lay out all the tasks you plan to assign your bridesmaids and figure out what could be done from afar. This is what I did, although I am not having bridesmaids, my sister is my maid of honour and my fiancé’s sister is his “best man.” A lot of the tasks I am giving her is to try and figure out the best way to execute plans that I have, making my inspo photos come to life by suggesting how things can be made or done, giving ideas and opinions. I’m also going to get her to plan to come 2 weeks before the wedding so she will be really involved in set up and my sister can step back and relax a bit more.

I have 6 BM, 2 of whom live out of province.

One is my cousin, and it was super important to me to include her in our day, even knowing she wouldn't be able to attend many (if any) events leading up to the big day. She will be back in Ontario for a few days next week and we will go pick out her dress, and hopefully have time to get some of the girls together so they can meet. I doubt she will make it home for our stag and doe, showers or bachelorette, but like I said it was very important to me that she was a bridesmaid.

My second BM who lives out of province is my Fiance's sister. We are not super close, but I know it means the world to my fiance and his mom. I know my future sister in law won't be able to attend any of the wedding related events and I am ok with that.

I think if it is important to you to have them stand up with you, then you should ask them to. Just be realistic about what your expectations are, and let them know.

I wouldnt make the other two that wont attend anything BMs theyre not going to be able to do much. but also how much are you asking these girls to do? dont you want to plan your wedding your way? i have 5 BMs and they havent done a single thing im planning everything lol

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Given the consideration of their timing, it may be best to have other back ups or include them as friends.

View quoted message Thank you for the feedback and thoughts!
I appreciate it ☺️

View quoted message They would be missing 3 events (bridal shower, stag and bachelorette) they would also not be apart of any dress picking or fitting appointments, nothing in terms of planning. Literally they would be MIA until the week before, but I also understand it’s because of school etc not just a dumb reason. That’s why I’m curious on if it’s appropriate or not and where to go.

You make the call to have them as honourary bridesmaid or guests. You seem doubtful about putting them in the wedding party because of 1 pre event they can't come out to making it fair of their share not being done. They may be part of the photos ahead of time if your comfortable with the idea.

My MOH, & 2 of my BM are all in different provinces (MOH & 1 BM live in the same town). & I have 2 BM who live close to me. None of them are "honourary" they help where they can. I choose a dress online so everyone can get the same thing. Although the 3 who are out of province haven't been able to help as much as I, or they would like. I still want them standing there with me. They do what they can, when the time allows it. My one friend made my center pieces & is mailing them out to me, as she is the only one who now can't make it because of covid. When it gets closer to the wedding the other girls will come & then they can help with anything last minute. Honestly the 2 BM who live near me, haven't done much more than the others.
But that's just me. If you want them there with the title, but don't want them to stand up with you or be in pictures, then do that. But if you want them to help out when they will be there & day of/stand with you, why not give them the position? Just talk with the others & explain that they will help out when it comes closer to

View quoted message Thank you!
I just don’t want them to feel like they should say yes if I ask knowing it won’t be cheap

View quoted message Thank you.! I appreciate the feedback as it’s hard! I want them to be a part but with all the distance and not being present for literally anything but that final week it’s hard! Like I don’t my current girls to fee unappreciated but I don’t want the other important ones to not have something. I was planning on having them get ready and have the option to pay for hair and makeup or do their own if they want but put them in a different colour but similar style. Since it’s a fall wedding I want long dresses so I thinking whatever colour and then them in a grey maybe or whatever my second colour is!
And I was planning on allowing them to order through o line BM dress places that compliment my girls who will order from a bridal shop ( just cause those girls might not have that store where they are) but have those 2 in the same.

Weddings aren’t cheap to be apart of so I thought that helps save since they spend so much to travel to be here in the day. But they can’t travel to be apart of stag or bridal shower or bachelorette!Hat way I also thought once they are in town I might take them to something without my girls and then something all together then it’s not an awkward meet up!

I would make them honourary bridesmaids.

I don't see anything wrong with that seeing as how they will be helping less but mean just as much to you as the other girls. You can still have them get ready with you in the morning and all that, but they just wouldn't walk down the aisle with you and be in all of the wedding party pictures (some with them, some without).

I don't think it's dumb at all, in fact - my Mom wishes that honourary bridesmaid was a well-known title at the time of her wedding!! The only reason she didn't ask my Aunt (her sister) to be a BM is because she had just had a baby a month before and couldn't help out. She would have loved to give her that recognition.

I would ask them. See what they think of being a BM with no pressure, just a coordinated dress and extra photos on your wedding day.


I see you've mentioned that they're still students, so I would have a rough idea of the financial commitment for them (dress, shoes, hair, makeup) as well so that you all know what you're agreeing to.

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My philosophy is, the wedding party is under zero obligation to do anything prior to the wedding other than get their clothes. What they do at the wedding is subject to whatever agreement you have with them in terms of their responsibilities. You know your out-of-town friends' situations. If you, and them, can accept that they won't be able to plan but can help you kick ass on the day of, and they mean that much to you, I say power to you in making them part of Team Crystal. Ultimately, who you have up there with you is your choice and not anyone's, regardless of what other people say.

Also, if I'm in your situation where members of the party are the type to talk smack and create drama just to signal pat themselves in the back, I would nip that in the bud early by having a personal talk with them and reiterating that I won't tolerate that kind of BS.

View quoted message I appreciate the feedback.
They have said that they won’t be able to make it as they continue school later (one is over seas in england until September 2021 and has said she won’t be back before then (expensive to fly). The other travels and because they got postponed this year they are planning to do it next spring to make sure they aren’t away come my wedding.
I love them both dearly but I just don’t know if I can have them in it and not play a role in the preparation at all which I understand. Backpacking means little communication and education is important to focus (plus time change).
I don’t want to offend them by not being apart but I don’t want to offend by giving honorary titles either. I know my 2 girls I have guaranteed to be in my party don’t care if they are In or not as they will do majority of planning but I do think they’ll try to make it known they did it and the others weren’t present.
Why is BM drama always a thing lol?

I would make them bridesmaids or just guests and not give them tasks. I agree with Hank that I think most people understand everyone in the bridal party ends up doing varying amounts of work to make the day happen. They may be able to make it to the prewedding events if they are given the dates in advance (unless they already said they can't that is). But ultimately do what feels right for you, I do think some people may get offended if they are invited to the wedding and expected to help out but not given the option of being a full bridesmaid.

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To be honest, I would just make them bridesmaids. I would even have them get the same dresses (unless you're letting all your bridesmaids pick different dresses with the same colour). Let them know there's no pressure in attending the pre-wedding things and they can decide if they would like to take part. If they're there and very visually obviously part of the wedding party, I don't see the need to make give them any distinctions.

As for your other bridesmaids, I don't think it's a big deal that certain people are doing more than others. It's the nature of the game when you have people in different geographical locations. The fact of the matter is, most people who agree to be someone's bridesmaid should know that person enough to understand what it means to them and the expectations involved. At the end of the day, Team Crystal is not about them individually but working together in making your day happen. Vast majority of people I know wouldn't be offended by someone else being labelled a bridesmaid for their level of commitment. That being said, as a guy, I never understood nor experienced bridesmaids politics until what I read here lol.

View quoted message Honorary BM is a thing where you want people who are important in your life to be apart of but they can’t really commit (I.e distance or some use then when the ones you picked would stir the group if you put them in) (like if you had all your sorority girls out in but the others who are important don’t get asked as the ones asked might try to belittle them). That kind of a thing.


However, if I do go with the honorary then I would have the 2 girls in dresses that complement the other girls and groomsmen but they would assist the ushers (groomsman) with seating people, organizing etc. They would help with the last few days (the final week) as they would be here.
I’m just curious cause I don’t want to offend the bridesmaids who put in the work the whole time and have 2 who do nothing until week of.
It would be 4 or 6 BMs and 2 honorary if that’s the case. I also just worry on how “dumb” the “honorary BM” is. Am I better to just invite as guests and except no help?

What exactly is an "honourary bridesmaid?" Are they dressed in accordance to the bridal party? Are they walking down with the other bridesmaids and standing up there with you? Are they given jobs to work the wedding on the day of as typical of a bridesmaid? If not, and they're just dressed up however they want and not doing any work, I don't see the need to give them any label other than "guest." Otherwise, it would just look too much like a participation award.