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J
Newbie July 2019 Alberta

Pastor or jop

Jessica, on October 31, 2018 at 00:12 Posted in Wedding ceremony 0 7
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I need some advice on what to do for our wedding ceremony. My family is Catholic, however my dad does not care at all if we have a religious ceremony. FH's family is athiest, they also don't care what we do. FH wants 0 religious elements in the ceremony. I personally do not care. My mom REALLY wants a pastor to marry us, otherwise we "won't be married in the eyes of God." I ruled out a Cathoic priest, she is okay with just a pastor of some Christian demonination. I tried suggesting we have a JOP and get a religious person to say a few words- no go. Suggested we get a JOP but have ceremony in a church (there is one that allows that near our reception venue)- no go. FH says he wants a JOP, but will do whatever I want just won't be happy about it. I really want him to be happy on his wedding day, but also want my mom to get this one thing she really cares about (I am her only child getting married). Any advice? I feel torn between my mom and my FH. I really don't care at all either way, I just want the two most important people in my life to be happy on our wedding day.

7 Comments

Latest activity by Jessica, on November 4, 2018 at 11:07
  • J
    Newbie July 2019 Alberta
    Jessica ·
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    This is really helpful.everyone, thank you. I agree my FH should have what he wants (and yes I am still indifferent, I just want to say I do aha). Still figuring out details but I have decided to listen to what he wants, and am mentally preparing to have a difficult talk with my mom. Your comments really did help Smiley smile
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  • Chelsea
    Super June 2020 Alberta
    Chelsea ·
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    I struggled with the same thing. Catholic moms are no joke. I explained to my mom that a religious ceremony wasn’t for us because I believe that when I say “I do”, i’m making a promise to the man in front of me, not to God. It took a while, but she eventually accepted it
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  • Vinod
    Top August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    Your life is going to start new with your FH and thats what matters most. You too must be on the same page to have whats more important to you both.

    Your mom can give her thoughts taken into consideration. She had her choices and battles with her mother then. Now its your turn to take control and let her know what you want. You deserve the respect and support as a bride.

    I went through some of the toughest battles with my family because of their beleifs and our traditions not being done for a gay wedding. I wanted to respect my husbands wishes at the same time. I decided to do whats best as i made every decision to take what was important to them to heart and disregarded some of them. At the end of the whole process, it was my husband who had my interests and to know he was to be happy with all we are doing as one respecting our wishes.
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  • Stephanie
    Master July 2018 Alberta
    Stephanie ·
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    I also agree with Tori--you are marrying your FH, not your mom. You will now be making decisions with your FH for the rest of your life. Wedding planning is the start of making decisions with your partner and not your parents/other family member.

    If you don't care, go with what your FH wants. Your mom may be upset at first, but just explain that this is about you and your FH and your marriage.

    I get that it's hard for parents to let go; they've made decisions for you since you were a child, and it's hard sometimes for parents to realize their children can now make their own decisions.


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  • Brittany
    British Columbia
    Brittany ·
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    I 100% agree with Tori. You're mom will get over it eventually... but more so, it's you and your FH's wedding day. Not your mom's. Yes, you're important to her as her only child, but the marriage union is between you and your FH.

    Also the important factor is, how do you feel about the religious components? You say you don't care... but if YOU want them, then I understand your FH accomodating some elements for you... but if you're indifferent, and your FH is strongly leaning one way, and the ONLY reason you'd be doing something religious is for your mom, then don't do it.

    It's not up to her. Maybe once you put your foot down, and a bit of a cooling off period, she may compromise with a reading or something.

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  • Jennifer
    Super July 2019 Ontario
    Jennifer ·
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    You can find an officiant that can do as little or as much "God" in the ceremony. my officiant is an minister and licensed accordingly. but the only god that is really being mentioned (as of what we have decided right now) is "in front of all these friends/families/under god". and maybe a prayer over the rings. that's about it.

    you need to have an honest talk with your mom. that is awesome that your FH is so willing to do what makes you happy/less stressed. but you are right. its his day too. if you and FH don't want god mentioned or want that little bit I said above. then do that. and tell your mom that is how its going.

    if he is willing to have some god spoken. I would go that route over going in a church. because then it is REALLY against what he wants/likes/believes in my opinion.

    this is the sole reason that we did not talk to a lot of our family about our officiant. other than telling them we aren't getting married in a church. I didn't want too many opinions (we both have some fairly religious family members).

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  • Tori
    Top October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori ·
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    Honest talk? Choose your FH over your mom. He is the one you are choosing to live your life with. IMO you should care more about his opinions than your mom's. If you and your FH are truly on the same page then this is what I would do. I know of people that were engaged and planning the wedding and then all of a sudden something like this came up about church and yes; it was a deal breaker and they split up.

    Don't mess with money, religion, having kids, or politics (if you were to live in the USA - Canada is pretty good though).

    I was in a similar situation but basically my FH doesn't want any religion included in our big day but I wouldn't mind it. Instead of my mom being the one to put up a fuss about my wedding it is my Baba who is doing so. I know how religious she is, but I don't plan on spending the rest of my life with her. Background - she is very heavily involved in the church.. she basically runs it in the town she lives in... I told her we aren't getting married in a church and we aren't baptizing our kids when we have them - I think we gave her a heart attack but hey, it's our lives not hers.

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