Parents Inviting Guests

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Sorry to be blunt, but if he doesn't see this as an issue there's a conversation about communication, boundaries, and finances that needs to be had.

If he has this type of reaction now, what is the next year of planning going to look like? Even after 11 years, you two need to have some major conversations.

EDIT: also agree with everything Kelsey has said.

I may be late to the game here, but I told my parents they each got 1 person to invite, and I or my fiancé have to know them. End of story, its not their wedding. My parents are paying for most of our wedding and I still said that.

View quoted message Okay this! I have no idea what the point of "inviting" someone who is 100% not going to attend, just so they have an invitation. It makes no sense to me.
Also, I get where you're coming from, but don't do that with only sending the invites to your list lol, it will blow up in your face and the last thing you want is you and future spouse to be divided over this. Explain to him about what more #s of guests influences, (food, staff, favours, decor, rentals, florals, drinks, transportation, etc), it's a ripple effect and just dominoes. Maybe it's worthwhile to have a "family meeting" with you two and both sets of parents and just kind of be like, we've had some things change, want to make sure we are all on the same page, and we can only accommodate x number of guests from you both. I know we didn't give you a specific limit before but we need to now in order to stay within our budget and number constraints and we cannot include all the people you have sent us names for. So please let us know who your x number of guests are and send us the names 😊

View quoted message I definitely shot myself in the foot when I asked but I didn’t think they’d send a list of 32 people. I don’t have invites sent out yet but I have them ordered. I’ve tried explaining to my fiancé that it’s way to many people and puts us way over budget but he doesn’t think it’s an issue. I also thought of just sending out invites to the people that I know and want there. His mother also said she don’t think most of these people would come but would feel bad not inviting them 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

View quoted message I really feel for you. I had a similar posting in here a few weeks ago. You may have shot yourself in the foot a bit by opening that door for them to provide you with a list of people. But you would think rational and reasonable people would have the common sense that they can't give you a list of 30 people. I think you need to have the conversation with your fiance of hey, maybe we made a bit of a mistake giving this open invite, but things have changed and we need to reevaluate. Each side can pick up to x number of people to add to the invite list. Realistically, it's not like invites have even been sent out yet (I assume) so you're not too deep in that you're unable to go back on this yet. Try to stand as a united front and say, this is the number of total people we feel comfortable with, that's our max and unfortunately we cannot accommodate all the people you have suggested so far.

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That's where I'd put my foot down. With my parents I said we're only wanting people that 1: have been a part of our lives, and 2: that both of us know.

With this criteria, only one sibling (and family) of my dad's 6 made the cut. Other than the one aunt, my dad's whole family hasn't made an effort to talk to me or return my messages in a decade (we all live in the same small city), and my one uncle still calls my FI my ex's name after 8 years.

Both his parents and mine have respected that.

View quoted message I know some of them, but some I only know their names and haven’t met them in the almost 11 years me and my fiancé have been together.

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Yikes! If it were me I'd reply, I thought they'd invite 10 people, what they are asking is completely unreasonable.

Do you even know any of these people?

View quoted message Oh I totally feel you on that everything is being questioned! You and your fiancé got this!! Sending positive vibes!! 🤗🎉 You reminded me that I said that I will cancel and elope and my mum was so pissed that I said that. Hahahaha! But you got this, whoever questions you… asked them if they are paying for anything. If not, keep their questions to themselves. They don’t realize how stressful this can be. But we stand grounded and make sure we have our big day planned.

View quoted message The must haves list saved my list of people!!
my MIL and FIL had handed me a list (that included my family & my family’s must haves) the total was over 220 people!!!
I said “no way no way. essential extended family & friends only” (which is what my list was anyways). They cut it down and now we’re at 150. Which is the smallest wedding my fiance’s family has ever had. I feel much better now after having that tough conversation months ago!

View quoted message I hope that fiancee is standing firm with you. Since it is his family he should IMO be the one taking the lead of letting them know how many you (as a team) are letting them invite, with you as back up. I definitely know how hard that can be though. In a perfect world they would understand how hard it is to limit guests. When it comes to wedding planning our families have only been excited, our parents were actually surprised we offered them any guests.

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Then whatever extra his parents invite will have to eat into his list. So if each of you were going to originally invite let's say 50 people per side, he now only gets 28 in order to accommodate the 22 extra that he wants to allocate to his parents.

And there are two extremes to his "ask them for a list and tell them that we can’t invite them” argument. On the one hand, yes you guys did mess up by not putting a cap on their allocated invites in the first place. If you couldn't give them 32 people, you really shouldn't have left it open ended when you ask and definitely should have nipped it in the bud when they were creeping towards 20, let alone 32. On the other hand, what if the parents actually invited the whole world? There's throwing them a bone but there's also being realistic.

View quoted message Yup! He thinks it’s completely fine for his parents to have 32 people there and to add an extra $1200 for supper. He keeps saying “you can’t ask them for a list and then tell them that we can’t invite them”

View quoted message I feel like everything I’m doing with wedding planning is being questioned by someone. I’m trying to stand my ground with my fiancé but it’s getting so hard. I’ve already suggested cancelling everything and eloping four times cause I’m so stressed 🤦🏼‍♀️

View quoted message Does he not see a problem with it? Is that why you haven't talked about it?

View quoted message We have a really good relationship, me and my fiancé have been together almost 11 years now. I really wasn’t anticipating that big of a list from them so I don’t have a lot of money as I’m on maternity leave until April.
I’m going to ask for a must have list and maybe just send out invites to the dance for everyone else on her list

View quoted message Oh yea, that’s the best option. You’re so welcome!
Let them know of a certain amount that’s welcomed to be added to the list! So many of our ideas will be questioned, but that’s okay, because at the end of the day it’s our wedding! You and your fiancé got this. Continue holding your ground for your wedding that’s for you!

My mum would always try to say “things are so different now.” Or making some comment on the whole situation. Hahaa! But I remind her that it’s definitely different times now. We do things for us not others.

View quoted message I’m kicking myself in the butt for asking and not giving a limit of 10/15 but I didn’t say that they would definitely be invited either. They won’t say how much the DJ is but I’m thinking around $500 and supper for 32 people is $1200 🤢 i feel like no matter what I’m going to be the bad guy when I tell my MIL we can’t invite all 32

View quoted message I’ve tried getting my fiancé to have a conversation with them about it but he’s getting super defensive about it. From my understanding they only offered to pay for the extra 15 cause my fiancé said it would be too expensive but didn’t say anything about the original 32. I’m just going to send her the list she gave me and tell her to pick her 15 and wait for my fiancé to find out

View quoted message I keep telling my fiancé that it’s to many people and he just keeps saying that we can’t ask his parents for a list and then say we can’t invite them. He doesn’t want to upset his parents but he’s willing to go way over our budget to keep them happy. I just don’t see why he can’t have the conversation with his parents

View quoted message I think I’m just going to call my MIL and try and explain it to her and I know she’ll tell my fiancé and it’ll cause a huge mess but the extra $1200 for 32 people is stressing me out.
I think there only paying the DJ cause it’s a friend of there’s 🤦🏼‍♀️
Thank you!

View quoted message From my understanding, they don’t plan on paying for any of the original 32, just the extra 15 people. Since making this post I haven’t even spoke to my fiancé about the wedding cause we can’t come to a compromise on his parents list and it’s really stressing me out

View quoted message My fiancé thinks it’s fine to have his parents invite the 32 people but not the additional 15. Ever since getting there list of 32 I’ve been kicking myself in the butt for asking and not saying “we can’t guarantee we can invite them all, but we’ll try”

We’re paying for the wedding ourselves with the exception of my in-laws paying for the DJ and my parents paying for my dress. My dad did say that if we went over budget for anything he’d help pay the remainder but I am not having him pay for my in-laws friends to be there, I just think that’s disrespectful to my dad

I hope your fiance is the one having this conversation with his mom and it's not falling on you. That would not be fair.

Since you were prepared to let your parents invite 10 per side, tell them that they can have 25: 10 that you pay for + 15 they offered to pay. The two of you need to be united in putting your foot down.

And let this be a lesson to everyone when asking parents about their invites: ALWAYS give a cap and NEVER leave it open ended. If you have room for 10, then say 10 from the get go. Otherwise, you risk them telling 50 people and making them rescind invites.

This is completely unreasonable. If they are paying for 15 people fine, but expecting you to pay for the others is completely rude.
Now my mother's 10 invites don't seem so bad.

I would respectfully put your foot down, let them know that 150 guest were budgeted for, and with travel, you are already at your max costs. They've already had a wedding, this is your day.

Ohhhh no!
You’ll have to tell the in-law that they only have a certain amount that can be invited. They will have to review the list of who’s important and invite those. Not because they are paying for the DJ they can invite so many people. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. But you and your fiancé should now stand your ground on how many people they are allowed to invite.

Wishing you the best in your planning!

I would honestly just tell them the truth. There's no need to beat around the bush. Just tell them that they can only add 10 people and that's that. It's not their wedding.

I'd tell them to pick 15 people out of the 47 they are trying to invite and let them pay for those 15 that they choose and tell in a gentle manner that you just cant afford to have that many extra people and especially because you don't know them!

Ouch. When we asked parents who they wanted to invite we gave them the option of 3 couples. They could pick who was at their table. There is no way I would give parents that much... after whoever they wanted would have to be people we wanted to invite. 47 people is IMO an unreasonable amount of people to invite to someone else's wedding. No offenses but I'd hire the DJ myself I'm sure that 32 extra people's dinner would cost more.....

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Hmm in that case then I'd be really direct with them. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your in-laws, but hopefully it's a good one and one where you can be honest with them. While that's nice that they've offered to pay for the other 15, that's still a whole lot of additional money that I'm assuming you weren't anticipating which really isn't fair. Let them know that you have a certain budget that you need to stick to in order to have enough money to go towards things other than catering. At the same time ask if they can shorten their list to "absolute must-haves" as your A guest list and then you can have your B guest list. Once you've sent out your invitations and if you get any declines, then you can consider who from your B list can now be invited.

View quoted message We’re getting married outside but our reception venue can hold 220. We told our parents we wanted to keep our number under 150 and we’re currently at 177 with their numbers