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K
Beginner October 2018 Ontario

Non-traditional Wedding party ... i need your perspective!

Kathryne, on July 17, 2018 at 10:51 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 13

I'm considering telling 7 friends across the country how I treasure them and consider them lifers. I'd be thrilled if they'd celebrate with me as bridesmaids when I find the dress, have an engagement party, a bachelorette etc. The twist is, rather than having them sit at a head table, I'd LOVE for them each to connect with mine and my fiance's different circles to help grandparents, out of town mentors, childhood BFFs etc all feel treasured, and special. The reality is that on such a busy day, I can't connect with all the people that I would like to, but if these women can be an extension of me I know it would make for meaningful moments that I and my guests treasure.

Think about it - Spend 5 minutes with my grandma to laugh at one of her jokes. Approach the grade 8 girls I mentor and gush over 'secret' wedding details. Swap crazy stories with my childhood friends. Ask our awesome couples for their stories and life-advice. ...these are the moments that I dream of for my guests and my girls.

These are my questions:
1/ Do I still do matching dresses? Is 7 women too many walking down the isle ahead of me?
2/ How would you feel if a friend you loved hoped you'd coordinate parties, but not stand in the limelight on the day-of.

Just an FYI, my three VERY best friends have 6 toddlers between them and live in 3 different countries. They'd all do Anything for my fiance and I, but the reality is, it's my 4 local bridesmaids who would help choose the dress and host parties. I really want to honour all these ladies, I'm just not sure how.


Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

13 Comments

Latest activity by Vinod, on July 18, 2018 at 11:05
  • Vinod
    Top August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    Your wedding party is representing your side for the ceremony.

    Reception wise, they enjoy their time with their other half or family. My best suggestion is going around personally to greet your guests at each table. Nobody cam ever replace you.

    On that note, my mom had mentioned to me that each my brothers should sit at ine table each to make sure family was there. They all enjoyed themselves and everyone mingled with laughter.
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  • K
    Beginner October 2018 Ontario
    Kathryne ·
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    Thanks Emma.

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  • K
    Beginner October 2018 Ontario
    Kathryne ·
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    These are absolutely beautiful ideas!! Thank you so much for suggesting this - I love both ideas, and words are totally my love language. Peggy Smiley smile you're a life saver

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  • E
    Expert December 2018 Ontario
    Emma ·
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    Honestly I don’t think it’s a good idea. You are basically asking your wedding party to play hosts and entertain people. And you are almost saying “hey I don’t have time to talk to you, so I sent someone else to talk to you instead”. It just seems odd.

    You are over thinking this way to much. People will naturally mingle and get to know each other. You don’t need to put people in charge of making that happen. Don’t force it.

    and you may think that your friends who you are telling that they can’t sit with you, and must mingle, won’t be offended. But I’m thinking it’s very possible they might be. They just won’t say anything to you about it.
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  • Peggy
    Super May 2019 Alberta
    Peggy ·
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    You asked for feedback on this site; you're going to get it. Smiley smile Remember it's always meant with the best of intentions, and text format doesn't always come across as intended.

    I honestly wouldn't worry about breaking the ice - I was at a wedding 10 days ago - my fiancé and I were sat at a table with 6 people we didn't know. Within 10 minutes we were all giggling and chatting like old friends. Having you and your fiancé in common is an icebreaker in and of itself - the initial questions they'll ask each other are things like "How do you know X? Where are you from? What did you t hink of the service/décor/etc?" They will take care of themselves, I promise you.

    Some thoughts on how to make your guests feel loved and treasured - have you considered doing a photo wall, with a picture of you and/or your fiancé with each of your guests from some point in your life? It would act as an ice breaker by having guests looking together to find themselves, chuckling over memories, and asking "Which one is you?" to the person standing beside them. It's a bit of work, but could be a lovely way to show each and every person you thought of them.

    I am also hoping to write a note to put with each persons place card - a special little note thanking them for joining us. This would give you the opportunity to again let them know you thought about each and every one of them leading up to this momentous occasion.

    Do those help?

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  • K
    Beginner October 2018 Ontario
    Kathryne ·
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    Thanks for the honest and loving feedback.

    FH and I like a standup portion with passed h'ordervues, which gives lots of opportunities to mingle and socialize.

    We'd certainly have a VIP checklist of people we want to connect with in the night and we'd do a receiving line as well, but the reality is that somebody needs to break the ice between our circles, and my bridesmaids (and groomsmen) are all very very social people, as are my Fiance and I. All of them know my family members even though we live hours away. My grandma especially would giggle like a teenager to have this kind of attention.


    As for offending my girls - the reality is that this day is not about them. It's also not about me. Or my FH. It's about the commitment we're making to love and serve each other, and it's about our treasured community coming together to celebrate. I want to honour these girls, and my guests.

    Do you have any suggestions to help my honoured guests (wedding party or otherwise) feel loved and treasured?

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  • Peggy
    Super May 2019 Alberta
    Peggy ·
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    It's...an interesting option. It's not one I would/will be doing with my girls.

    1) I would still have matching/same colour dresses for all my bridesmaids, regardless of how many there are.

    2) Honestly? I would feel slighted. My thought would be: "So I'm good enough to spend money on you/to plan a party/ies for you, but I'm not good enough to stand up with you on your wedding day? Good to know where I fall in your priority list."

    And I agree with others - guests aren't going to care how much time they spend with your bridesmaids, no matter how close you and they are - they are going to care if they got to spend time with you. In my opinion, it is VERY important to make time for each of your guests, whether in a receiving line (this is something I am doing because it allows for 30-60 seconds per guest to personally thank them) OR visiting each table and spending 3-4 minutes chatting with them during dinner (this is easy if the head table eats first, and then once guests have their meal, the bride and groom visit the tables before speeches start).

    There are better ways to honour each of these ladies than basically asking them to babysitting relatives at their tables.

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  • S
    Frequent user January 2021 Alberta
    Sara ·
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    I'm not sure how I would feel about being asked to be "an extension of the bride" and socialize on her behalf... that seems a bit strange to me, and honestly really uncomfortable. I'm a very sociable person so I generally go out of my way to spot wallflowers and make them feel welcome - bridal party or not - but once I feel like I'm obligated to socialize it feels weird and forced and totally inauthentic. I think you are better off making a list of the people you absolutely must get around to chatting with during the reception and check them off one by one. Your bridesmaids chatting with your Grandma is not the same and does not make her feel special the same way that YOU taking a moment to chat with her does.

    I know that it is a lot to try to see everyone and you probably won't, which is why I recommend that little checklist of VIPs. Grandparents, parents, in-laws, and family members who have traveled particularly far in order to be there need to be on that list.
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  • Angel
    Frequent user June 2019 British Columbia
    Angel ·
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    1) I think they don't have to be the exact same style, but it would be nice if they were the same colour. I think the usual magic number of bridesmaid is 3 but it is up to you. Last time, my friend just had her maid of honour and best man walk down the aisle and not the rest of the bridesmaids. If you do want all of them to walk down the aisle, just schedule in a little more time for your ceremony.

    2) I think this is a very interesting idea! I agree with you that it's too hard for the bride and groom to connect with everyone on the wedding day since there is so much going on. What I have decided to do is to keep the reception simple (i.e. no games, reduced speeches) and I made sure to allot some time for me to mingle with my guests. The only consideration you need to have for your idea is whether your bridesmaid are sociable people. Some people who are introverts may not enjoy being put in the limelight of speaking with strangers or being asked to start conversations. My FH is an introvert and I can see him being a little uncomfortable in that situation.

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  • Brittany
    British Columbia
    Brittany ·
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    Dresses: Yes, get them in the same dress/same colour, or at least the same colour with same fabrics, maybe slightly different styles to compliment them. If they are not gonna be in one group all the time, it will almost be like a uniform, so guests know who's in the bridal party, and can know who to reach out to with questions or conversation.

    # of Girls: It's only too many if you don't want that many. It's totally up to you! If those girls are all important to you, go for it.

    Hosting/Planning Parties: I'm not 100% clear on this... First, I'm going to be honest... Being separated at the reception, to socialize with your guests for you... it's a little odd to me. You can definitely do whatever you want, but I'm just trying to give my honest opinion/feedback, if this was asked of me...

    I think you don't need to have a head table anyways. We are doing a sweetheart table, and allowing the bridesmaids and groomsmen to sit with their significant others at the first few tables... You could then ask your girls to simply branch out and help you with including the extended family and guests, that you may not be able to spend as much time with as you'd like. Placing them among your guests feels a little camp counselor-ish to me... your guests would probably rather have 5 minutes with you than an hour with your bridesmaid... It is you they are there for. At their tables anyways... having them help get people involved, feel welcome throughout the reception is a total bonus, and would definitely be great for your girls to do.

    Also, with the planning of parties, I totally understand the moms/distant friends thing, where you want them to be involved, but logistically it may be easier for certain, local bridesmaids to take the lead on your pre-wedding events. And that's okay.

    I hope this helped... I think I may have been a little confused, but I tried Smiley laugh

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  • K
    Beginner October 2018 Ontario
    Kathryne ·
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    Hi Tori, thanks so much for writing back.
    I like your ideas.

    For #2) I feel bad that my bridesmaids would plan parties, but not necessarily have their time in the limelight on the wedding day. How would you feel if it was you planning parties but not getting typical bridesmaid spotlight?

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  • Tori
    Top October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori ·
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    1a) I would have matching dresses or at least the same colour dresses - that's what I will be doing because I want uniform but I know that everybody's body type will look best in different styles.

    1b) & is not bad at all! I will be having 6... But I have heard of more than that even! If you want to lower the amount of time for them to get from one end of the aisle to the other than perhaps have the best man and maid of honour walk down together, and the bridesmaids and groomsmen do the same (accompanied).

    2) I'm not quite sure what you mean. Do they want parties at the same time or is there just a lot going on that if they come in they want to celebrate other things? If you are talking about the dress, bachelorette, etc. then all at once in the very beginning (so you have time to order the dress) then it should be fine to have them all at once - they would probably appreciate that so that they don't have to come so out of their way. As for the Wedding Shower I would still have that at the 4 monthish mark with or without them and let them know that they don't HAVE to be there but the other 4 bridesmaids who live in town can help out.

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