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J
Newbie August 2019 Ontario

My Moh/best friend bailed...

Jesycka, on August 6, 2018 at 21:12 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 17
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My wedding is in a year but I’ve already asked my other closest friends to be bridesmaids and elected my maid of honour.

When I asked my maid of honour I didn’t make shy that it’s a big responsibility and not all glamorous and then followed that up with asking her 2,3 and 4 more times if she is sure she wants to do it.

She knew from the beginning what my vision was for my bachelorette and my overall image of the wedding. I’ve paid for a vegan dessert just because she’s vegan.

Well, all of a sudden she says she’s not doing the bachelorette and I’m just like “what?!?! You’re supposed to orchestrate it!”.

Her entire reasoning is her common law partner who’s a stay at home dad to her 3 and 6 month old can’t manage her kids for that long.

I told her that not attending is apart of the role and even if she wasn’t MoH that as my bestie it would be dropping the ball. I also added that in a year time her baby would be gaining independence and that it’s not the same based on my experience of having boys 14 months apart.

She proceeded to say “I love you but maybe I’m not the best person to be your maid of honour”.

I tried to Call her and apologize for getting angry and to ask if it’s really about her hubbys poor parenting ability or if she just doesn’t want to come because my hubby has offered to stay with him while we are gone and there are many things we could do to ease her anxieties but she’s avoiding my calls.

Sort of hurt here here but also sort of pissed. I feel like I did everything possibly to avoid the possibility of a situation like this. I’ve done weddings in the past and always hated it so I’ve tried to make it as smooth as possible.

Soooo frustrating!

17 Comments

Latest activity by Bianca, on September 5, 2018 at 03:11
  • Bianca
    Master August 2019 Ontario
    Bianca ·
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    I'm sorry you're at that place where you can't ask someone else to be your MOH. I hope your bridesmaids step up and hopefully share the responsibility of getting tasks done (if that's what you're requiring of them).

    Good luck Smiley heart

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  • J
    Newbie August 2019 Ontario
    Jesycka ·
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    I’m not really left with a choice. I didn’t feel right asking another bridesmaids to step up so I was hoping when I told them my MoH stepped down one of them would step up but they didn’t. Although they were very supportive and reiterated “let me know what you need me to do”.

    But yeah, had she called me back I feel like it would have been worked out. Now I’m super angry about it all.
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  • Melissa
    Frequent user September 2018 Quebec
    Melissa ·
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    Not cool. It’s been weeks! I honestly would let her back down. Your wedding is over a year away and no MOH is better than one who can’t put effort into returning calls.
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  • J
    Newbie August 2019 Ontario
    Jesycka ·
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    It’s a cottage 2.5 hrs away from here. No decor would be necessary and everyone would be pitching in. Essentially a weekend of hikes, beaches and drinks.
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  • J
    Newbie August 2019 Ontario
    Jesycka ·
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    No she hasn’t 👎
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  • J
    Newbie August 2019 Ontario
    Jesycka ·
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    Her one daughter is 3 yrs old and her other is 6 months. Sorry I just realized it may have seemed like 3 months and 6 months.
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  • J
    Newbie August 2019 Ontario
    Jesycka ·
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    I can’t replace my MoH now... I might as well line my friends up and tell them I value them in a specific order and anyone I would consider asking to Jump In already knows I’ve picked my bridal party so I am doing this without a MoH now.
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  • Melissa
    Frequent user September 2018 Quebec
    Melissa ·
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    Has she reached out or spoken to you since you made this post?
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  • J
    Newbie August 2019 Ontario
    Jesycka ·
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    It’s a cottage 2.5 hrs from here.
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  • Melissa
    Frequent user September 2018 Quebec
    Melissa ·
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    Is your dream bachelorette a night on the town, a day with your girls, a weekend getaway, etc.? I feel like that context might help. If it is a weekend getaway, it’s possible your friend may feel anxious to leave her young children alone, especially if she’s far away from them in the event there is some emergency. If it’s a day or night out where you live, I do feel your friend could have explained why she couldn’t make arrangements (i.e. “I really would love to but x y z happened”) as opposed to telling you she simply isn’t planning it and avoiding your calls. The wedding itself tends to be a longer affair than the bachelorette so I do wonder if, as others have pointed out, it’s best this came out now.
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  • Lyla
    Devoted July 2018 Alberta
    Lyla ·
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    That’s true as well, my sister backed out of my wedding party over me not wanting her to drink only to try getting back in after i replaced her, and I almost had my maid of honor back out two months before the wedding over something that shouldn’t have been a fight.. my wedding planning was seriously havoc. Point being, take these situations as a sign and adapt.
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  • Lyla
    Devoted July 2018 Alberta
    Lyla ·
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    Have you thought about the other expenses for the bachelorette? I hadn’t realized how much it costed until after my ladies threw mine. There’s all the decor, crafts, alcohol, food, and games.. If you have a specific vision she could be worrying about whether or not she can afford everything, on top of the dress, and the time between work, the kids, and planning. I can understand that she may feel really anxious about it and doesn’t want to put herself in a position where she’s failing you. I think the kids part may be her only excuse without revealing my other points but you never know until you both come back to the table and talk. I wish you luck!
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  • Bianca
    Master August 2019 Ontario
    Bianca ·
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    I know this might not be what you want to hear, but at least it's a good thing that she did this now rather than closer to your wedding date. It's awful that she's backing out, however, this gives you the oppourtunity to replace your MOH and have someone who can really shine in that position.

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  • Angel
    Frequent user June 2019 British Columbia
    Angel ·
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    That sounds like a pretty upsetting situation. I think both of you will need some time to cool off so you are not exchanging conversations in the heat of the moment because more damage will be done to your friendship if you do. I can understand from her point of view that her family is her priority and I think she's letting you know earlier than later because she knows how important this day is to you and she does not want to do a mediocre job. Try to reach out again in a month or so and if she's still ignoring you, then I think at that point, she's just being unreasonable...

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  • Vinod
    Top August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    Your friend wants to be part of your day, yet needs to look after her family first overall.

    She isn't trying to give excuses or be rude. Its one of those decisions where she needs to be more with her kids to be taken care of at home. Her duties and position puts her in a situation which she thought about through.

    Give her space and let her deal with what she needs to do and ler her know your still her friend and understand the reasoning she stepped away as your MOH. Don't get upset or feel you did something wrong.
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  • Jennifer
    Super August 2018 Alberta
    Jennifer ·
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    Awe that’s really too bad! If she’s avoiding your calls though that’s pretty immature... even if she doesn’t want to be MOH she should respect you enough to talk about it. Can you promote another bridesmaid and ask her to just be a bridesmaid instead? I would definitely try to work it out and not let it ruin your friendship!
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  • Joannie
    Curious September 2019 Quebec
    Joannie ·
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    Maybe she didn’t realize how much you needed help with everything. For others it’s just a regular day or a regular party, it’s the biggest day for you and not for others. When it comes to kids especially this young it’s normal that they don’t see how they are going to be in a year. New parents are often really stressed out and don’t have the time or the energy to invest in something this big. Depending on how you told her everything, I think you should give her time to cool off before trying to make things better. I know you’re probably sad because from what I see she’s a good friend of yours. You still have a year to prepare for everything, don’t stress too much about it, wedding planning is supposed to be fun. I know it’s easy to say, but it’s a positive moment in your life you should enjoy it as much as you can
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