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Super March 2018 Ontario

My moh and myself are growing apart. i'm heart broken

Carol, on September 12, 2017 at 22:30 Posted in WeddingWire 0 19

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Today I got a very blunt and hurtful message from my MOH, stating that I'm expecting to much, and a few other things. But basically she told me that I shouldn't excpect any thing from the wedding party. I haven't actually asked her to do anything, she went with me to the wedding show months ago when we first got engaged, and to get her dress and that's it. She even has a shared duties with my sister in law, who is Matron of honour, I did this so they wouldn't be overwhelmed. My FH's niece begged and begged me to be in the wedding, I'm so glad I did because, she is calling me everyday to talk, and ask to go here with me, and go there with me. I do have a fb group for wedding party stuff, keeping everyone up to date on dates and functions, that I have planned all by myself. I get that not everyone is into my wedding like I am, but she is or what I though was my best friend. I asked every one if we can have a meeting to go over the stag and doe, and what everyone will be doing, I never heard back from her. She and her guy met at the same time as I met mine, and they both don't want to get married, they bought a house and have blended their families, so it's not jealousy. We even went to Disney World at the same time in March, but not together, and she basically would change plans so we weren't able to meet up, or have them to the condo for dinner one night, while we were there. I don't get it, we used to do everything together, and now this, I didn't even know how to respond to that message. I still don't understand how I'm expecting so much, when I haven't asked her to do anything.

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19 Comments

Latest activity by Jen, on September 13, 2017 at 14:50

VIP June 2018 Ontario
Jen · On September 13, 2017 at 14:50
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I'm hoping we can get to this too. I messaged her to see if she would be interested in talking after her brothers wedding and trying to hash things out, but no response yet. I hate that I can see her online commenting on other stuff on Facebook but a simple text is ignored. Oh well... I'll keep waiting.
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Super September 2017 Manitoba
Lesley · On September 13, 2017 at 13:34
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I'm glad you are both in a better place now.
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Super June 2018 Alberta
Ashley · On September 13, 2017 at 13:20
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Hope things work out for you dear. Sometimes life can get in the way of things and friendships tend to fail. Hope you guys can mend yours.
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Super March 2018 Ontario
Carol · On September 13, 2017 at 12:16
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Good advice thank you. We talked today again and she let me know she is feeling stressed with life, I have given her the option to step down, she is going to take time to think and we are going to sit down and talk again. Her daughter is still my junior bridesmaid and made sure to let her know that.
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Super March 2018 Ontario
Carol · On September 13, 2017 at 12:13
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Yes I remember your post well and felt so bad for you, now I'm feeling those feelings for me. We talked today, and she let me know that she has been feeling stress, about work, Her kids etc... I told her that I want her in my wedding party, but for the sake of our friendship I will not be mad if she steps down. That I rather have her at my wedding as a guest and friend then not at all. I made sure to say that I still wanted her daughter in the wedding, that her decision will not effect her daughter at all being my junior bridesmaid. She asked if she could think it over, and I said sure let's get together in a week or 2 and discuss it over a plate of nachos. And we ended that on a happier note, then either one having hard feelings.
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Devoted May 2018 Quebec
Jen889 · On September 13, 2017 at 11:43
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Exactly. Its a hard situation. I wish I could offer you more advice but im in the same boat. Its tough :/
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VIP June 2018 Ontario
Jen · On September 13, 2017 at 10:14
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This story sounds all too similar, except I basically told my MOH to forget about being my MOH. She kept giving excuses as to why she couldn't be at functions, was never excited about anything and told me I had to wait to talk to her about anything wedding related until her brothers wedding this upcoming weekend. We haven't talked, well.. we have but no more than a few words and it was only about eyelash extensions, and it has been pretty tough. She hasn't always been there for me when I've needed her and this whole situation we just went through (I posted about it a few days ago) just proves that she isn't interested in anything to do with my wedding. She's the same girl too who keeps saying she doesn't want to get married or have kids and has been with her guy the same length as time as I've been with mine. However, last time we met up all she did was talk about the potential of her and her bf getting engaged and how they've been looking at rings. I honestly don't know. She gets in these weird moods where she shuts me out for a while and backs away when she isn't happy about how things are going. I likely did over react a little when she asked for me to give her time to think about things.. instead I blew up and told her to forget about everything because I was hurt. If you want to salvage your friendship then just breathe and wait it out. Don't do what I did. Im worried that our relationship will never be the same again, if there is even a relationship left to salvage.
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Super September 2017 Manitoba
Lesley · On September 13, 2017 at 10:09
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I think after the stag and doe is over you need to meet with her to review expectations.
I have a feeling that she might be a bit jealous. Even though she doesn't want to get married, she might not enjoy that you're having this attention. Or she could be dealing with stuff outside of this and the group messages are making her feel overwhelmed.
Maybe just let your matron of honour handle all the communications out with regard to the stag and doe and regroup afterwards.
I notice that weddings bring out the best and worst with people and it's unfortunate that you have to deal with this.
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Master September 2017 Ontario
Erin · On September 13, 2017 at 10:07
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I'm sorry this has happened. I think you need to ask her exactly which expectations are too much. Maybe she feels like there are pressures that aren't really there. I think you should let it sit for a bit before responding. I also think that a piece of advice from my recently-pregnant FSIL regarding pregnancy and decisions applies here "don't make rash decisions while experiencing heightened emotions".
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Super March 2018 Ontario
Carol · On September 13, 2017 at 09:52
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I also don't want to fire her either, because if there is something more to this whole thing, I don't think there will be any recovery if I do that.
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Super March 2018 Ontario
Carol · On September 13, 2017 at 08:51
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Im still just in shock, she has the man but not married, they bought the big house together, they both have kids, and have a bkensed household that is working well, he treats her like a queen. They are happy, stupidy happy lol, but ever since I asked, and she was happy and excited, I thought she was. Said YES before I even got the words out. She doesn't want to do anything with me or for the wedding. When They were looking for a house, I went to all the open houses with Her, to help narrow down the ones they were going to go back to. It's never been one sided we always did things for the other, shared in good and bad together. I don't understand and we had a talk, and all she can say is I'm expecting to much, I asked the rest or the wedding party to be honest, and they all said they weren't doing enough to help me. I really haven't asked asked them to do much, i really don't want to put to much on anyone. I'm going to let things cool down a bit give it a week or a bit and meet up with her and have a talk again. They haven't even invited us to their house which is weird because they have had others over. He guy invited us to a restaurant for her birthday along with another couple, and asked them back, I found out later but not us. We have done things together after and recently, she comes out to my cousins farm with her kids, even then we don't talk about wedding stuff. The whole thing is weird.
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Devoted May 2018 Quebec
Jen889 · On September 13, 2017 at 08:26
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Oh i know exactly how you feel. My MOH is my best friends on 25 years. Since day one she has been a royal you know what. All because i bought my dress without her (i went with my mom and thats it). She has not asked if i need help, has not asked about the wedding. Doesn't want to see my dress or venue until the day i get married. We went shopping for bridesmaid dresses, when hers arrived i sent her a picture super excited. All she says is "its pretty", thats it. My sil is my other bridesmaid and has been more helpful. When her dress arrived she was so excited and came over to try it on right away.
I have spoken to many people about it and although it may not seem like it to us, they are jealous. My best friend is like yours, says she never wants to get married or have kids but now is just such a b**** to me as i recently bought a house, got engaged and planning kids next year. Every woman has the thought of marriage even if they say they dont.
Im so upset and, most days, angry at her for not caring. A friend of this long shouldnt act this way over a dress. I would love to fire her from the role but that would mean the end of our friendship and im not sure im ready for that. Ive spoken to her about it on many occassions as im fed up and shes just stubborn and always brings it back to i chose the dress without her. Very frustrating.
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Frequent user August 2018 Ontario
Charlotte · On September 13, 2017 at 02:07
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So sorry that things aren't going as smoothly as you would have hoped. You obviously have a close relationship with your maid of honor hence the reason you asked her. What i would advise is that you schedule a time in the very near future to have a one on one conversation with her. Gently express your feelings . Remind her of your close friendship and use examples of past events that show your closeness. Then tell her you understand that although you are excited to get married you are also aware that people have their own lives to deal with. Remind her that she can also Talk to you about anything. She may express something to you that you had no idea she was dealing with, if so then be a good listener and let her vent. I feel like she is holding holding something back. Hope this helps ! Xoxo
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VIP September 2017 Ontario
Sonja · On September 13, 2017 at 00:16
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That sounds sensible. Sometimes by just discussing the issue, we come to our own conclusion. No bride should go through this but it's so strange that "weirdness" comes out in people when there's a wedding. Anyway, don't lose sleep over it and don't let it put a damper on your special day. Keep the joy and spread it.
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Super March 2018 Ontario
Carol · On September 13, 2017 at 00:05
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I thought about it, but her daughter would also be out of the party then too, and she would be heartbroken. I'm actually going to let it die down for a bit, and see if she shows up at the stag and doe. My matron of honour (Sil) is wanting everyone to get together to go over plans for the stag and doe, and give everyone a job to do, to have it run smoothly. If she just wants to only do the wedding then that's up to her. But she will not be my witness on the license.
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VIP September 2017 Ontario
Sonja · On September 12, 2017 at 23:38
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Are you contemplating firing your MOH? I've heard of people who have done that because it was just too much drama. Maybe your FH's niece would like the job. It sounds like she's very keen to help you. I think we brides get really, really wrapped up in the wedding stuff and the rest of the world is still functioning in normal mode. Not to say we're abnormal, just preoccupied. My advice is to continue chipping away at it yourself and if you feel you're not getting the support you need, just let her know that she cannot have that honour without contributing.
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Super March 2018 Ontario
Carol · On September 12, 2017 at 23:27
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Thanks Sonja, I needed to hear that. I'm so sorry about your disappointed also. I truly don't understand what happened. I actually talk more and plan more on this site, because everyone is in bride mode here, and I don't want to bother anyone. Thank goodness for my fh, he has my back. Her daughter is even in my wedding as a junior bridesmaid.
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VIP September 2017 Ontario
Sonja · On September 12, 2017 at 23:10
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Oh Carol, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's not fair. You've bestowed the honour upon her to be your #1 girl and now it's too much for her. I have found in the past that the only person I can count on is myself. I know you feel like canceling the wedding party, but then you might be disappointing other people like you FH's niece. I'm sure you've heard this many times but you can't control the behavior of others, only your reaction to it. I've had a big disappointment too. I was hoping that all my children would walk me down the aisle, but my eldest son has declined because he doesn't feel comfortable giving me away to someone he hardly knows (his words). He's had over 6 years to get to know him and hasn't really made any effort. He will come to the wedding as a guest but not his partner or my 2 granddaughters (ages 6 & 8). It was very disappointing especially since I already bought the dresses and shoes for the girls. However, I had to smile and say, "Ok, if that's your decision. I'm glad you'll be coming." Seems there's always someone to create drama or as my friend says, "Poop in your corn flakes". Again, I'm sorry this is happening but you are strong and your self esteem doesn't depend upon her attitude. Chin up, girl.
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Super March 2018 Ontario
Carol · On September 12, 2017 at 22:45
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It makes me want to cancel the whole bridal party all together, especially if it's such a burden on everyone, if I believe what she says to be completely true. I'm sitting here in tears, wondering what the hell happened. I seriously have had almost no help, and it wasn't bothering me, I've tried to include everyone, I swear it's not me pushing anyone out of the way of what I want. What I want is to have my ladies with me.
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