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Super August 2018 Manitoba

Kids drama!

Marcia, on June 12, 2018 at 11:09 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 19

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Hello brides! Is there a certain way you should let your guest know that kids aren’t invited to the wedding before sending out invitations? The only kids coming to my wedding are out of town guest and the kids in the wedding party. I sent out my invitations over a month ago and one of my “good friends” is really upset because I didn’t mention to her far in advance (10 months before) that her son would not be invited because she claims they come as a “package deal”. I love her son, but are wedding venue is expensive and each guest cost around $120 so we had to cut kids, not personal. Im not a mother yet so maybe I dont understand. But Anyways she claims that I’m selfish and not a good friend and only thinking about my self (during my wedding planning) for not giving her a heads up. And now we had a huge argument about it and are no longer talking! I Just want to know if I was wrong? Should I have let people know in advance? should I call her and apologize because I was hurt off her reactions when I worked hard on my invitations. It’s my first wedding so how am I supposed to know whose feelings would get hurt, and what rules to follow. It’s already stressful and busy with all the planning in general.

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19 Comments

Latest activity by Marcia, on June 15, 2018 at 15:11

Super August 2018 Manitoba
Marcia · On June 15, 2018 at 15:11
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Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate your words!
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Super September 2018 Alberta
Michelle · On June 13, 2018 at 14:38
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If you are paying the bill you have EVERY right to decide who you chose or not chose to invite. I simply put on my website that it is an adult only event. The only minors are my 2 sisters but the youngest one is 13 yrs old. So I just had my FH's cousin re-confirm this was the case just so she could arrange for a babysitter for the evening, but no complaints.
You could even say due to limited space available at the venue you cannot invite everyone, if they choose not to come then that's a few less ppl you have to pay for.
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Master September 2017 Ontario
Erin · On June 13, 2018 at 12:08
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I think you can invite, or not invite, whoever you want to your wedding. I know this can cause friction for some people but c'est la vie. We told everyone right off the bat that we didn't want kids at our wedding which saved a lot of confusion.
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Frequent user August 2018 British Columbia
Terri · On June 13, 2018 at 02:34
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My invitation clearly says no kids so it was right out in the open. It’s your wedding and She has no right to bully you about it
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Curious May 2023 Ontario
Rayann · On June 12, 2018 at 23:35
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No you are not in wrong. It is your big day anyways. Though some vendors do provide discounts for kids menu roughly up to 65% of an adult price. Unless you really do not want kids at all. Maybe try talking to the vendor you've chosen then see from their from your budget then talk to your friend. If your friend didn't reply or just give you the silent treatment then you did your job. You did try. Again it is your big day.
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Top August 2017 Ontario
Vinod · On June 12, 2018 at 23:22
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You have your way to voice whats important to you and being honestly decisive. I'm sure she had issues when she got married and faced the same fights with her friends.

She should be happy for you ib whole. If she declined to show come, its her loss. You did put the names of attendees on the envelope.
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Super July 2019 Ontario
Jennifer · On June 12, 2018 at 23:05
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Not in the wrong one bit. Your day. You do what you want. And im sorry. 10 months notice?!? Seriously. She needs to grow up.
Sorry. Maybe im harsh. But that just seems ridiculous on her part
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Curious June 2019 Ontario
Janis · On June 12, 2018 at 22:46
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This is YOUR day. You're allowed to do what you want.
It's understandable because you want the adults to have a good time without always being on alert. How can they be relaxed unless they know the kids are safely at home and uninvited? I get it girl. And you gave PLENTY of an advance so don't feel you didn't violate wedding protocol. You do what you have to do.
If it makes you feel better, I don't want random plus ones. I want to invite people I KNOW personally. So even though I have people who are "dating" someone, I'm not inviting them unless I want to. I don't want these people in my wedding photos.
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Frequent user August 2019 Ontario
Sheilah · On June 12, 2018 at 21:52
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You're not wrong and not obligated by any means to make an exception for her. It is your wedding and you can do what you like.

HOWEVER. Playing Devil's advocate a bit here. From the side of the mom being invited - I was a single mother until I met my fiance. And between work, family stuff and trying to have time with my daughter I did need a few months sometimes to save up, book off and plan my childcare so I can see why she is upset as well. It took me 3 months to secure and save up for a sitter for my best friends wedding, for example.
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Super March 2018 Ontario
Jessica · On June 12, 2018 at 16:13
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Definitely not in the wrong. I did the same, I only had out of town guests allowing children and we didn't let anyone know in advance who was from town. We just wrote on the invites, "Only those mentioned on the invite may attend". No one from town seemed upset we had children there who weren't allowed to bring their own (or we just didn't hear about it), but my thought was if they live here, they know people who can babysit, while out of town guests don't have that choice.
It sounds like she's trying to make this about her, and while I understand leaving your child behind for one night can be tricky (finding a babysitter, paying for it), most people enjoy it as they get a date night out or time to hang out with friends etc... You could always call and let her know that you had tough decisions to make, and it was difficult to not invite her son, but ultimately he isn't able to come, while also explaining about out of town guest's children so she's not shocked. Not sure how that would play out though
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Expert January 2019 Alberta
Maya · On June 12, 2018 at 15:23
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I agree with Kelly, it is your day and you don’t have to invite Anton that you don’t want to. I’m struggling with this as well a little about wording on invitations. I mean under 3 is free, but 4-12 year olds are half price. When we were doing the list we had like 30 kids under 12 and it was like that is another 15 adults we could invite. Our families are large, mine larger, so I said no kids because we can’t afford it. My only concern now is my fiancé’s cousin is due a month before our wedding and I know his family will all be about the new baby. I just don’t any it to overshadow our wedding as we are celebrating our daughter that we lost last July when I miscarried.
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Expert September 2019 Manitoba
Kelly · On June 12, 2018 at 14:56
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Girl....you are not obligated to invite ANYBODY to your wedding!
No parent should expect that their children are invited. Maybe if she was so concerned about it, she should have asked you ahead of time...instead of fighting with you after invitations are sent that you should have given her a heads up.
Nope. You're not wrong. Shes just being selfish and making it about her, stirring up drama you don't need.
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VIP November 2019 British Columbia
Alexandra · On June 12, 2018 at 13:40
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You’re not in the wrong here at all. Just one thing to be aware of is if you’ve invited some kids but not all kids she’s not going to be happy when she sees that on the wedding day. It makes sense the way you’ve decided which kids are coming, and it makes sense but she is not going to see it that way. Not at all. Not if she’s already having issues with it. Just be prepared for that reaction. And make sure she knows there are kids invited just only for these reasons ahead of time, because if she doesn’t know those are your family’s kids and out of town kids ahead of time she’s going to make it more personal than she already has and that may permanently damage the friendship.
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Master October 2019 Ontario
Allison · On June 12, 2018 at 12:47
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Wedding planning can really bring out the worst in people, especially ones who are selfish/don't know how much weddings cost! I was debating kids vs no kids for awhile but the venue I went with has a discounted rate for kids/vendors, although not all venues do this. Most of the "kids" that are invited are in their teens now and can make decisions if they want to go or not.
I think people do change when they have kid(s) but it should be understandable that you won't be able to take your kids everywhere with you. Weddings are usually adult events, unless kids are specifically invited. I know for a fact that my parents didn't drag me and my brother around to every wedding they were invited to because: A. some people don't want kids there, and B. we'd probably get bored lol
It's your wedding and you should do what you want with it! You're allowed to be "selfish" (although I wouldn't say you are) since it's you and your FH's day!
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Frequent user June 2019 Nova Scotia
Gabbie · On June 12, 2018 at 12:40
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Ten months is a good enough time for someone to make arrangements. I actually won't have any kids including out of town people, I said that to everyone ahead of time and one of my friends in Halifax is finding a couple of baby sitters and they will all be together in my future in-law's house. We'll order pizza for them. If she knows other guests with kids maybe they can all pool together and have the kids stay over or something of the sort. But every parent I know has baby sitters they can book in a few days notice let alone so many months in advance!
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Frequent user September 2018 British Columbia
Helen · On June 12, 2018 at 12:23
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I think she is 110% the selfish one here. People these days just assume that they can bring their kids everywhere, even when it's a adult event (oh, but MY kids are good). That's on totally on her. Unless the son is mentioned on your invite she has no reason to misunderstand. She needs to find a sitter or she doesn't need to come , you have no obligation to invite other people's children , or anyone for that matter , to your wedding. I would never have assumed that my son was invited to a grown up event that I was invited to unless it was specifically mentioned. I'm not having any kids and I don't feel bad about it at all You may run into problems though, if she comes to your wedding in the end and you do have other children there that you made exceptions for ; it sounds like she will still not understand why that was done and that her son specifically was excluded. I totally get why you're doing it that way and am 100% supportive, but you may just want to already be prepared with a response.
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British Columbia
Brittany · On June 12, 2018 at 11:54
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Check with your venue... have you asked if there is a lesser cost for children? Some venues will give discounts for certain ages, and even sometimes free under 2....
I encountered this problem when I was originally making my guest list, and we had to decide kids or no kids. I wanted to allow my sisters to bring my nieces and nephews, but my parents pointed out that if some people got to bring kids, and others didn't, it would cause unnecessary frustration and anger from guests who couldn't bring their kids.
I think in terms of dealing with this one friend, you may just need to apologize, explain that only immediate family members are bringing kids, and that you can't make an exception without opening up every guest to bringing their kids.
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Top October 2019 Manitoba
Tori · On June 12, 2018 at 11:49
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In my opinion you are doing everything correctly as best you can. I think it is more than enough time to let people know that the wedding will be kid free. I myself am in the same boat but because there just isn't enough room for kids! I will be sending a simple Save the date - without that information on it. They can find out when the letter is addressed to them and not their kids, as well as a little note at the bottom stating we can't accommodate them.
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Expert October 2018 Saskatchewan
Clarissa · On June 12, 2018 at 11:28
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It is hard for people to understand when they are not the ones paying the bill at the end of the day. I don’t think it’s wrong to not invite kids to the wedding especially if costs and space is limited. It does help to give guests a heads up so that they can figure out arrangements for the kids but I don’t think it needs to be a year out. Most people try to with save the dates or I would say give them 3-4 months if they have to travel so they can decide if it’s feasible to come before the invites arrive.
I would suggest letting your friend cool off a bit and then reach out and sit down with her and explain exactly as you did that you weren’t trying to hurt her feelings but you just don’t have the space or budget to accommodate kids at the reception.
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