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Hélène
Devoted September 2019 Alberta

Is anyone else just done with wedding planning? Or is it just me?

Hélène, on January 8, 2019 at 13:41 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 13
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Warning, venting ahead!

A little context - I'm working full time, going to grad school and my fiancé proposed in October. We're getting married September 29th. I have two weeks off between grad school classes to do wedding stuff, as well as work overtime to pay for school and the wedding. (We run year-round 9 weeks on, 2 weeks off.) I'll be done school in March of 2020.

I just wanted to elope at our favourite spot (which would have been where we got engaged if Mother Nature hadn't intervened with a blizzard.) It's my second wedding. It's his first. He didn't want to elope. He wanted a wedding.

It's turning into a nightmare. His family dynamic is messed up to the point where some of his family won't come because of his dad and he's already talking about the possibility of having to throw his dad out of the reception. He's inviting people he rarely talks to (not even Christmas calls) because of some inane rule in his head. He has other rules too that have dictated where he will and won't get married, who he will and won't have standing up for him, how everything should be balanced in the wedding party (his aunt and two teenaged boys are standing up on his side, my best friend of 35 years on mine.) and how everything and everyone has to match. The rules pop up out of nowhere and I can't make decisions on how to proceed with the wedding because of the inconsistency, not to mention his needing two weeks to make a decision. I tend to make my own rules and do what's in my heart, not what "they" say you have to do...which is where he says he's getting his rules. "This is how a wedding is."

We're trying to keep it under 30 people, so we cut the invite list at aunts and uncles, and now my cousins are all making backhanded comments "Oh, she set a date and didn't invite anyone." etc. They were all invited to my first wedding and half didn't show. If we open it up to cousins, my side alone is 65 people, and that's just family. The only friend on my guest list is essentially my sister.

We picked a venue in Calgary instead of Banff because my parents and only aunt are in their 80s and my parents are travelling from out of town so we wanted to keep things easy for them.

I had a vision of my wedding...and this just isn't it. The ring, the dress, the venue...It's all pretty, but it's not me. I'm just done with it all. Not to mention I am paying for school, and now a wedding too. At least I got the groom right...

If it wasn't for his other rule the we have to be married before he'll even try for kids after what happened in his last relationship (and at my age I am quickly running out of time) we wouldn't get married until after grad school's done.

I feel like I'm settling and already planning the vow renewal for our 10th anniversary so that it can be where and how I envisioned my wedding day...

Thank you if you managed to read this far. I'm just done with it all, have a ton on my plate and my go-to people to vent to just deflect it all by telling me it's all fine and beautiful, even if it's not what I want.

13 Comments

Latest activity by Vinod, on January 11, 2019 at 11:00
  • Vinod
    Featured August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    Helene,

    I feel what your going through and I had my part of thoughts torn because of my family and husband to be at the time. I was paying for 90% of the wedding myself and it isn't fun with all the fighting words coming your way. If your husband is paying for part of the wedding, that's fantastic and better since you don't have to put all your money split between your education, home and the wedding.

    One side, my parents found out I was gay and needed time since they had to absorb the news and I was alone in all this. The end result was my parents were ok and good with everything not having to do much on their end. I do have to say though that most of the things I wanted to do were turned down because there wasn't a bride in our wedding. My brother who seem to know it all and not knowing what I had in mind, was trying to take on control most of what was being done. Just as your husband is putting the rules to what you want to have and time frame for answers. Don't let that happen and he needs to be flexible since your also the one who is getting married to him.

    Other side, my husband was always saying my family is so bad and negative based on their comments. All the vendors I kept in touch and everything to save money was my doing. Thus, he did like how the consistency of the final layout and setting.

    My one advise to you Helene is don't get into situations with your husband and have to go through all these rules and not have what you envisioned. You know better and to say you have dealt with this all before. However he sees his family not wanting to come due to his father, let them figure that out and he needs to let his dad know what he wants and to be respected for that reason. You have had your family (cousins, relatives, etc.) say things too your not happy with and let them know its something you have to do.

    I wish you all the best and to see your envisioned wedding. Your husband is grateful to have you and to let you have you say.

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  • Donna
    Devoted July 2019 Ontario
    Donna ·
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    Sometimes the better gets to us all. Yes, I thought of calling it all off, and just going to City Hall, then I think of all the hard work I put into having everyone around me that wants to be a Big Part Of Our Big Wedding Day. I couldn't possiblilty let them down, so I put on Big Girlie Underwear on and work through it. It's mostly hard at times when you have ideas and everyone is too busy, but it keeps going on, on , on. I'm glad I have a great group of Ladies I can talk with here. As far as I seen & heard we're pretty great bunch on here

    Hoping your wedding planning gets easiler as time goes by.

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  • Maya
    Expert January 2019 Alberta
    Maya ·
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    Hello Hélène,

    It was good to be able to vent it out I found. Yesterday got more drama filled with messages from my dad. One informing me my youngest sister is having self harming thoughts. I’m getting people last minute RSVPing 10 days before the wedding which really drives me crazy. Also about 3/4 of the guests are family and so there isn’t many friends we get to invite to the wedding. It’s down to single digits now and I’m just going to relax and put the final touches together. What is, is and at the end of the day I’m marrying the perfect guy for me. Also for the extra things family want maybe ask them to chip in for it, my mom wanted us to have hors d’oeuvres served at our wedding and that meant bumping up the package from 55 dollars to 74 dollars. So she contributed the extra to bump up the package. My In-laws are amazing as well and I don’t think I would have gotten through the wedding without them.

    I hope youe planning goes well, in the end anything to reduce stress I recommend Smiley smile
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  • Hélène
    Devoted September 2019 Alberta
    Hélène ·
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    Hi Maya,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond!

    First, congratulations on your rainbow baby! I am so happy for you!! I love that you planned your date for your angel baby's due date. That is so meaningful.

    I can't imagine the stress that the situation with your dad has caused you! You definitely don't need that on top of wedding planning and growing a tiny human!

    It's so frustrating when we hope someone who has let us down so much over our life will finally be there to support us and just can't make it happen. I hope your dad comes around at some point. Thank goodness your mom was able to step up and help you out!

    I hope your wedding day is beautiful and everything you have imagined, even if there was stress and drama leading up to it!

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  • Hélène
    Devoted September 2019 Alberta
    Hélène ·
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    Hi Julie,

    Thank you for reading, responding and understanding! I couldn't imagine how much more stress I would have if we were planning a larger wedding!

    We've had a meeting of the minds and he's starting to relax his rules a little, especially when he finally understood how stressed I am. And, he's starting to see that it's about more than a day, it about the marriage, which helped a lot.

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  • Hélène
    Devoted September 2019 Alberta
    Hélène ·
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    Hi Peggy,

    Thank you for the response and suggestions. I really appreciate it. He's slowly relaxing and reframing his needs and wants after I told him how stressed I am. And, he's offered to step in and help with some of the décor, which is awesome because he does great stained glass work and his son does woodworking as a hobby.

    I appreciate you reading and responding to my vent. It helped a lot!

    • Reply
  • Hélène
    Devoted September 2019 Alberta
    Hélène ·
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    Thanks Tori.

    He's finally backed off a little and realized that some rules don't need to be followed and that he doesn't have to have input on everything...after I got him to agree to go to the wedding fair on Sunday. lol

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  • Hélène
    Devoted September 2019 Alberta
    Hélène ·
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    Hi Jennifer,

    Thanks for the response, support and the ideas. Unfortunately the wedding fair is this weekend so our break will have to be after that. My MOH is from BC and I'm in Alberta and she can't make it...so I let him know that if he wanted decisions etc to be made based on what I see at the wedding fair, he had better come with me. So he is. Smiley winking

    Once we talked and I let him know where I was at with everything, he kind of took a different perspective and realized that some of what he'd said was really important to him, really isn't. He finally understood that the most important part of it all is that we're going to end up married, not the details of the wedding.

    Date night is also planned.

    Thank you again for reading my vent!

    • Reply
  • Maya
    Expert January 2019 Alberta
    Maya ·
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    I can totally understand all the drama. I’m getting married in 10 days and I’ll be 30 weeks pregnant at the wedding with our rainbow baby. We are getting married on what was our angels due date. My dad has caused so much drama with the amount of money he was going to contribute. We first discussed it over 7 months ago and he agreed to an amount. Then he said he was going to transfer money in 2 weeks that would arrive around Christmas time. When I start asking him when he’s sending money he goes, “oh I said I could contribute x amount depending on need and I was waiting for you to send the budget and who is paying for what. The dress and rings are not my responsibility.” Is what he sent on messenger. I was livid as my mom is contributing double what he is, we are paying double also and my fiancé’s parents are paying the same as he was and doing a lot of the set up. My dad then tells me he can’t send money until January 3rd and I tell him that is pushing it too close as most stuff was due on January 4th. He was suppose to call me and figure something out. Never did and on New Year’s Eve he told me he won’t be able to send money until January 10th which is 9 days before the wedding. I asked my mom to help us out and my mom was like just tell him to forget it and she just gave his share. Now this is because my mom really does not like my dad as she knows he has let me down a lot in life.

    Then found out that my 2 brothers wife’s and children won’t be able to make it. When I asked my one brother he told me that dad was going to pay for his one sons ticket, but the doesn’t have the money. I can’t even let my brother know my dad isn’t contributing the money to the wedding and should be able to help out. Then just last night my sister messages and tells me that she and her boyfriend are coming and it’s 10 days before the wedding. I highly doubt her or her boyfriend are paying and that my dad is paying for them and if he is I am going to be livid because my dad also said it was his responsibility to make sure my brothers and sisters are there. So my step mom paid for all my younger sibling and all my older siblings are all adults and knew a year beforehand the wedding date.

    Our wedding is essentially almost all family and a few coworkers and friends. I really wish we had eloped. Really in the end it would have saved us a lot of stress and money. With the money we would have saved we could have renovated a lot of our house. I also did 95% of the planning and that was stressful. I started over a year in advance as well and still there is lots of things needing to be done in the next 10 days. Maybe talk to your fiancé about cost and that what you want both you want for your wedding. It should be about you both as a couple and not about what everyone else dictates it should be.
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  • Julie
    Expert March 2019 Ontario
    Julie ·
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    I really feel for you. This is about the 2 of you and to me, you should both have equal say. You sure have a lot on your plate! I have been married before and my Fiance has not. It does complicate things in some ways like you mentioned above. My Fiances guest list is definitely larger than mine because he is inviting every cousin he has which is a lot. My Fiance is 47 and has attended all their Weddings so I am supportive. My FMIL has attended countless weddings, bridal showers and baby showers. Our Wedding is the 1st big celebration in his Family. My Fiance and his only Brother have no Kids & his Bro never married. I think that is part of the reason we just ordered 100 Invitations... $$$. I hope you and your honey are able to meet in the middle and make this a special day for both of you.
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  • Peggy
    Super May 2019 Alberta
    Peggy ·
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    I hear you that this is frustrating. And I think it's great that you're trying to listen to what he wants. If the situation as reversed, and it was important to you and not him, everyone would be on your side saying "He should let you do what's important to you!".

    You said yourself - this is his first marriage. For most people there's more pressure on a first wedding. We have our own expectations, and they don't always match up to reality.
    I agree - take 2 weeks off and relax, nothing wedding related. At the end of the two weeks, sit down and talk about what is really important to the two of you. Establish the ground rules in writing - make sure you both agree to them. Then you have a framework to work from. And if it's important to him - he should be stepping up to plan it

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  • Tori
    Top October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori ·
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    I don't even know what to say, I know this was mostly to vent but I feel like there should be some sort of comfort or suggestion to give you...

    All I've got is that if it's his first wedding and he wants this, that, and the other a certain way then you should ask him if he could take the reigns on the planning. You've got loads on your plate already!! I know with me being full time working and although I'm not in school right now I go twice a year for 3 months each time at night (usually 2 days a week), and that was difficult enough for me to stress out!

    The things we do for love eh?

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  • Jennifer
    Super July 2019 Ontario
    Jennifer ·
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    I'm really sorry that you are going through this. That must be so incredibly frustrating.

    my only thought is maybe have a short talk with your FH and say...look for 2 weeks we need to not discuss the wedding with each other or anyone. and really sit back and think about what we want and make a list. come back together in 2 weeks. and hash out whats important for each other and find a compromise.

    and while life is busy...maybe in this 2 week period. have a date night and just go back to enjoying each other.

    i hope this all works out for you.

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