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Newbie June 2021 Wisconsin

i hate my groomsmen (trigger warning)

Carolina, on November 6, 2020 at 21:50 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 6

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Because I know that my groomsmen have very strong political beliefs and I have occasionally witnessed some of them make jokes about sexual assault and the “N” word, I kindly texted the group chat for them not to start any political arguments or say anything discriminatory at my wedding (common sense). I also mentioned that I am not targeting anyone in particular because all guests will be receiving the same message. They responded by saying I can’t “take away their rights” and proceeded to harass me in the group chat saying I’m “putting too much on my plate” among other things. When I replied by saying “that’s why I’m giving you guys the responsibility of being mindful with your words”, one of them told me to “grow up”. I’ve had disagreements with them in the past but I’ve never seen them be so rude to me and I can’t talk to my fiancé about it because he’s in the Marines bootcamp right now. I’m sending him a letter, but I’m really trying not to give him an ultimatum (he is not like his friends whatsoever). These guys have been friends with him since he was little and I’m not trying to start any drama, but I’m really hurt by how they treat me. I’m also worried they’ll say something stupid at my wedding or start an argument. I’ve been sexually assaulted in the past and they’re completely oblivious when they say “women could just defend themselves” or something just as equally stupid. I really don’t want to seem like a controlling bride, but I just don’t know what to do in this position. Any advice?

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Carolina, on November 15, 2020 at 14:40

Newbie June 2021 Wisconsin
Carolina · On November 15, 2020 at 14:40
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Ahh! Oops didn’t even realize this was the Canadian site haha. Thank you for the advice though. I totally agree. I told my bridesmaids and they feel the same way, but I don’t really want the two groups to go to war just yet.
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Beginner June 2022 British Columbia
Nicole · On November 12, 2020 at 10:37
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That sounds like an incredibly difficult position to be in, especially with you FH away at the moment.

I agree with the others, disengage with the groomsmen as you aren’t going to change their minds and from the sounds of it, they don’t respect your requests. Remember it’s your & your FH’s wedding day and it should be everything you’ve ever dreamed of, with as little stress and worry as possible. Send a letter to your FH when you’re calm and let him know you need his support in this. You shouldn’t have to micro-manage adults behaviour or worry about what kind of derogatory statement a groomsmen might make while you should be enjoying your big day.
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Curious August 2021 Ontario
Marg · On November 11, 2020 at 13:56
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You deserve to have only people who respect you and honour you to be the ones standing up at your wedding, it doesn't matter if they are on his side.
I am so sorry that you are going through this! If your fiancé is a good person (and I am sure he is!) he will understand that if his so called friends cannot show his wife decency and respect her wishes for civility (a pretty small ask!) then they are not worthy of his friendship or a place in his wedding.
My practical advice: do not engage with these people at all. Take screenshots of the messages sent so far, and then send no more/block them if need be. Write your fiancé a letter when you're feeling as calm as possible and explain how hurt and uncomfortable their actions and words have made you. You don't even need to ask him to remove them from the wedding or keep them in line if you don't want to, just trust that he will know the right thing to do when he can.
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Top August 2017 Ontario
Vinod · On November 7, 2020 at 10:45
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You deserve better friends of FH to treat you with respect. It doesn't seem he sees this much and say anything to them backing you up. His friends shouldn't be allowed in the house at all because of their behaviour.
They need to grow up and really respect themselves to love the one they want to be part if their life.
As for the wedding, it seems they need to be guests instead and out as groomsmen. Your right that politics isn't for everyone and life continues as we take it day by day. You should make your FH aware about this and have his eyes open to see how your being treated and talked by his friends. It needs to stop.
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Super November 2020 British Columbia
Christiana · On November 7, 2020 at 02:49
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I'm so sorry that you have to go through this and that your fiancé isn't there right now to support you through this. For now I think you should just stop talking to them. Pretend they don't exist. They clearly aren't going to change their attitude and it's just harming your mental health by trying to reason with them.
When your fiancé comes back I'd let him deal with it. These are not your friends, they are his friends. If they truly hold these beliefs and are rude to you, then he needs to reevaluate his friendship with these people and he is the one that should be putting them in their place. I know you said you didn't want to give him an ultimatum but if he will not condemn their behaviour or support you in this then the two of you need to have a very serious discussion. You will need your husband's support in many other times during your life. If he refuses to support you in this then it may be the same down the road.
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Featured September 2021 Ontario
Hank · On November 7, 2020 at 02:23
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Is your fiance completely off the grid? I assume he's in the chat as are your bridesmaids and will eventually see everything. As tempting as it may be to kick them out of the wedding party, your fiance needs to step in and make a stance. As their friends, there's no way he is unaware of their behaviour and if he is as you say he is, he has a responsibility to protect you from such vile ugliness as your future husband, just as you would him. He needs to be the one to show you he stands with your side by expelling such ugliness. These aren't political beliefs. They're pitiful examples of bigotry and misogyny. Quite frankly, they're the ones acting all triggered and like snowflakes from the way they're reacting, not you.

Has your bridesmaids responded to their vile cr*p? How would they like it if it's an even group calling them out vs them ganging up on you? I still think your future husband should be the one doing the deed of kicking them out but depending on how long he's gone for, you may not want to subject yourself to their BS for any longer. I'm sorry you have to go through this and that you have such aholes in your life.

PS you're on the Canadian wedding wire btw
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