Abbie
Devoted June 2022 Nova Scotia

Guest politics - please help 🤦🏼‍♀️

Abbie, on July 9, 2021 at 21:38 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 17
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So I sent a save the date to my cousin and her boyfriend (addressed specifically to just the two of them) who live in the UK. They have a 6 month old baby and unbeknownst to me the 8 year old daughter of the boyfriend now lives with them.


I just got a message asking me for accommodation recommendations for “all of us” which I how I found out about the 8 year old. And then to top it all off my cousin tells me she’s hoping to also have a new baby by then as well. My cousin has assumed all three children would be invited to the wedding, but that’s really not what we were banking on. We could have managed a toddler, but an 8 year old and a newborn when we were hoping to have a child free wedding is more than we want to deal with. It’s also a bit unfair in my opinion to assume we’ll just be ok with the extra three guests. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I just don’t know what to do.

17 Comments

Latest activity by Vinod, on July 17, 2021 at 23:34
  • Vinod
    Featured August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    Your wedding should be child free since that was the chosen matter, though it has been overridden by your parents to have them attend. I can understand how you feel about this situation and don't blame you to put your foot down about it. On the other side of the coin, family is family, no matter who we know or how they are connected to us. It would be hard to say no to your cousin since she would make it a trip and have the kids go on a vacation too for a few days. My side of the family (moms) has a large family and always welcome them to be part of the fun.
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  • Christiana
    Super November 2020 British Columbia
    Christiana Online ·
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    I'm sorry your parents are doing that Smiley sad

    If I recall correctly you're having a fairly small wedding too. It would be so rude for someone to just invite an extra 3 people to any wedding, but especially to one where that essentially increases the guest list by 5-10%. It shouldn't make a difference whether or not it's a child or an adult! I hope your family eventually gets on board and supports your decision.

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  • Amanda
    Featured August 2022 British Columbia
    Amanda ·
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    I personally don't think it's selfish at all. It is your wedding and you can decide who is invited. Your cousin is literally inserting their children your into your wedding without even an invite.

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  • Samantha
    Super June 2021 Ontario
    Samantha ·
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    Which is totally understandable and not unreasonable! If they're coming all the way from the U.K. then I'm assuming they'll probably be staying at least a few days right? So if you have the time before or after the wedding then you can make a point of doing something with them and include the kids.
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  • Tunisha
    Featured October 2021 Ontario
    Tunisha ·
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    You’re welcome Abbie!!
    Oh yes, it’s very difficult. My mum was so annoyed that I wanted a children free wedding. She was telling me, “if I got that invite, I won’t be coming to the wedding”. Hahahaha. I was like, okaaay then. 😂😂 But yeah, and they should be totally understandable during this time how tough it is. I left out about 3 cousins from my family but their mother and two brothers are coming. It’s tough.
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  • Abbie
    Devoted June 2022 Nova Scotia
    Abbie ·
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    Thank you everyone for your insight! Sorry it took me a day to respond - I was so stressed about this I basically buried my head in the sand. I’m glad to have support that I’m not being unreasonable or selfish though, as that’s the perspective my parents have taken on the issue. My dad doesn’t even believe that there’s such a thing as a child free wedding! 🤦🏼‍♀️
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  • Abbie
    Devoted June 2022 Nova Scotia
    Abbie ·
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    I think the childcare offer is a really good one. And I am more than happy to do that! I have nothing against the children, and I’d love to meet them. Just don’t want to be accommodating them at the wedding 🤷🏻‍♀️
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  • Abbie
    Devoted June 2022 Nova Scotia
    Abbie ·
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    I hope not.... I absolutely hate conflict
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  • Abbie
    Devoted June 2022 Nova Scotia
    Abbie ·
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    Do you think that’s ok even though they’re international? My parents seem to think we’re being selfish. :/
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  • Abbie
    Devoted June 2022 Nova Scotia
    Abbie ·
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    Thank you Tunisha!! It’s so difficult when it comes to family!
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  • Abbie
    Devoted June 2022 Nova Scotia
    Abbie ·
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    Thanks Christiana! I think you’re right, that’s the best approach. My parents are making me feel really guilty about not wanting the children there which has been muddying my perspective. But I do need to put my foot down. I am more than willing to help them find babysitting. But I don’t think it’s fair to have to the children there when they were never invited.
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  • Samantha
    Super June 2021 Ontario
    Samantha ·
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    There's no beating around the bush on some topics, and this is one of them. Just be straightforward about wanting a child free night and maybe say something like "we want you to be able to let your hair down and relax and not have to worry about your kids for the evening." You can also say that you have a certain capacity limit and it's just not something you planned for, which is fair given that you had no idea about 2 of the spots.
    Christiana also gave a good recommendation about offering to help her find someone to care for them for the duration if that'll soften the blow at all, if that's something you're willing to do of course. I'd also make a point of putting on the actual invitations "we have reserved "X number" of seats for you" so there can be no misunderstandings later.
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  • Hank
    Featured September 2021 Ontario
    Hank ·
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    Hopefully your cousin won't make a fuss about it.

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  • Amanda
    Featured August 2022 British Columbia
    Amanda ·
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    I would personally just tell them straight forward that you're having a child free wedding and that only her and her boyfriend are invited to the wedding.

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  • Tunisha
    Featured October 2021 Ontario
    Tunisha ·
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    Hell Abbie,


    Sorry to hear that and that you’re going through that. We were planning to have a children free weekend as well. But it turns out that well have about 3 children from 3 different families since no one can look after them AND I have my little cousin to be the ring bearer.
    It was a challenge. But I personally feel the 3 will be better than anyone else. As we were specific to who will be invited and not mentioned family.
    That being said, I would say to be straight forward that you’re having a child free wedding. Wishing you all the best on that! Let us know!!
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  • Christiana
    Super November 2020 British Columbia
    Christiana Online ·
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    Oh sorry I read that again and realized you said you only sent the STD! Not even the invitation.

    I would still be very straightforward. Don't beat around the bush. Give her some accommodation recommendations but be very clear that only her and her boyfriend are invited to the wedding. You can also say you'd be happy to help her find childcare while they're at the wedding - only if you're willing to help her find it of course which you're under no obligation to do.

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  • Christiana
    Super November 2020 British Columbia
    Christiana Online ·
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    I think being straightforward is the best way to handle it. No children were ever invited because you’re having a child free wedding. They unfortunately “misinterpreted” the invitation and thought they could bring their current and future kids.
    If you say sorry no kids are allowed then it’s not personal to her family, it’s just what you’ve decided. Point out that the invitation was addressed just to them. Hopefully you indicated the number of seats you reserved for them. And hopefully she’ll be mature and won’t be petty about it 🤷🏻‍♀️
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