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Jessica
Beginner September 2023 Ontario

Guest list struggles & save the dates - looking for suggestions!!

Jessica, on November 7, 2022 at 10:21 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 16
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So we have a fairly tight guest list, there will be 100 people max at our wedding, including ourselves and the wedding party. We wanted something more intimate so that we aren't feeling pulled in every direction all night, and can really enjoy the company of our closest people. On top of that, catering for that amount of people can get $$$ so we firmly set our guest count to work with our budget.


One of the ways that we decided to keep our guest count more meaningful was to do away with plus ones, along with spouses that we've never met. We just really don't want to miss out on sharing our day with the people we love, to include strangers that we've never even met before. Because of this we initially decided that we weren't going to do Save the Dates, since they don't have the guests' names on them like an invitation. We're trying to avoid people assuming that their spouse is invited and then having a fit when the invitation comes later and finding out who is ACTUALLY invited. Now I know some might say that I'm over thinking this but the last two weddings my family had there was all sorts of guest list drama from my aunts and uncles, and I just have no desire to play these games on our wedding day. At the last wedding someone straight up didn't go and now they don't talk to the bride & groom anymore because my cousins long term girlfriend who've none of us have ever even met was listed as a plus one instead of having her name on the invitation. So I'm treading very nervously 😮‍💨
So I'm looking for some advice on how to handle this because we do want to let people know to save our date, but we want it to be clear who is invited. Would it be weird to list guests on our save the dates? Should we just send out our invitations super early?

16 Comments

Latest activity by Belle, on November 17, 2022 at 20:55
  • Belle
    Curious July 2023 Alberta
    Belle ·
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    Of course, I was super stressed about it as well but when it comes down to it... the people I want will be there and in the end its about me and the hubby... anything else is a bonus xx


    Try not to stress and know at the end it you and your husband forever
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  • Jessica
    Beginner September 2023 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    Thank you so much for the reply 💗💗 This is really affirming and helped me destress a little bit 🥰
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  • Belle
    Curious July 2023 Alberta
    Belle ·
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    We have been very clear from the start of our engagement, long term couples, no plus ones, no kids... We added it on the wedding blog and when we send out invites, we have put names and how many seats are reserved for that person/couple. Its your day and you can choose who you want there... I advised a very close friend of mine her new bf is NOT invited as he and I do not get along, hard conversation to have but she understands, shes still coming because we had the conversation. In the end its your day, you do what you feel is going to make the day perfect for you not your guest.... they are there to celebrate your love not other way around Smiley heart

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  • Dessa
    Frequent user September 2023 British Columbia
    Dessa ·
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    I agree.. it's pretty hard to only invite people you know and not the partner because you don't know them. One could also say if the person you are inviting is important to you but you don't know the long term partner...maybe you aren't that close anymore and said person shouldn't be invited at all. Very touchy subject to be honest. You get to invite who you want but as others have said, expect declines and maybe a bit of blowback too. We made sure all of our singles knew no plus ones but married and longtime couples are a 2 seats automatically. In a few instances we aren't fans of our friends' partners BUT they are together and we respect that. Toughest job IMO is making the guest list. I wish them luck.
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  • Dessa
    Frequent user September 2023 British Columbia
    Dessa ·
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    We sent our Save The Dates with the specific guests listed on it. We told our single guests that no plus one could be added so I believe we've covered our bases. Having said that, we did get a text from an extended family member saying they were definitely coming even though she was not listed on the invite for her grandparents with whom she lives with...lol. it will all work out!
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  • Vinod
    Top August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    The day is your celebration with the ones you wish to be present. We don't believe in plus 1's for Indian weddings as the families we know are invited. Those dating and their loved can attend to meet the family and enjoy the time with the bride and groom. The Save the dates can be to those you need to send to personally without a doubt of the drama to bring to the table. The only response you can give is your to the max.

    Its a shame the last wedding you attended with the no communication of the couple or individuals not talking to the bride/groom after their wedding is the call they made upon themselves and to separate their lives away to not have anything towards their help when needed. Families do break down this way depending on issues occuring though at the end of the day, we still look at ourselves as family being as one.

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  • Malyssa
    Expert October 2022 Alberta
    Malyssa ·
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    Well I wouldn't worry about that. We had some instances where we invited people we absolutely wanted there, but things just happened that they couldn't make it. That in turn allowed us to invite others we had kinda forgotten about. it even got to a point where we had invited people maybe a week before our big day (while still within our final numbers with our venue)

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  • Jessica
    Beginner September 2023 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    We are definitely doing the website RSVP! I like it for that exact reason - that they can't RSVP people who are not invited lol! It's a great tool for setting boundaries without having to verbally tell people. Our "Should have" list is actually not too bad, it's mostly there for things like "Oh we've invited 3/4 cousins from this family, it feels wrong to not to include the 4th", stuff like that.


    It's interesting though, because our list is still changing as other people become more prominent in our lives. I worry too that if we send stuff out too early we'll miss including someone special who came into our lives a little bit later.
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  • Jessica
    Beginner September 2023 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    Oooooh I like this idea of specifically addressing the save the dates to specific people. That might be what I need. As for blood relatives we don't necessarily care to have but are inviting anyways, it's things like inviting my aunt and one of her sons, but not the other one. Something about it just feels very wrong, but I'm drawing the line at inviting his wife that I've never met. It's a tricky thing balancing inclusion and what you want. And also trying to avoid drama as much as possible, the drama that would come with not inviting him would likely be more stress and trouble than it's worth so we are going to include him, as we REALLY want his brother there. I guess at the end of the day all you can really do is do your best, thanks for the input, that was super helpful 🥰
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  • C
    VIP September 2023 Ontario
    Carine ·
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    The way I did it for save the date is put the persons name and then if it’s a couples name I put both their names on the envelope. That’s how I felt, I have a bestfriend who has been dating this guy and never met him, didn’t feel right inviting him and not a family member I’m close to just so she can have a plus 1.


    If they try to add a plus one in the RSVP it won’t allow them. and if someone not invited will be asked to leave. My budget for the wedding is as is and people need to respect that. I also added a message on Facebook saying that unfortunately budget and future goals are in mind and not to take it personally, but in a nicer way of course.
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  • Amanda
    Curious November 2022 Ontario
    Amanda ·
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    The easiest way to do this is to address your save the dates. "The X family" if the whole family is invited, "Ms/Mr or Name X" if only one person in a two person household is invited. "Mrs and Mr" if only the adults are invited but not the kids. Make it clear from the get go.

    I also echo what some others have said though, inviting people simply because they are blood relatives if you dont actually care about them being there is a waste of a seat. Out of my family 2 family units oustide of my parents/siblings were invited to my upcoming wedding. My fiance has a HUGE family, we invited those who we see regularly, who we spend summers and holidays with. The people who have already celebrated and supported our relationship over the last 5 years. I understanding the issues of keeping a wedding small and doing what you truly want vs what is expected, we have 52 guests coming and are having a very non traditional reception because its in line with who we are as a couple. Remember that, keep in line with who you are as a couple because at the end of the day, its about you and your partner.

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  • Malyssa
    Expert October 2022 Alberta
    Malyssa ·
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    My main question for you is, why do you have a "should be invited" list at all? By the sounds of it, you are covering most of the costs, so who should invite who you want there. You should not feel obligated to invite someone because they are family.

    We kept our numbers small as well, we had a total of 50 people. And we easily could have been 100 if we added "should be invited" people. But we wanted people there that meant alot too us, not just family who had been invited to other weddings or what not.

    And for us, we had quite a few people who we invited that we had not met before (spouses, ect) but what better time to meet these people (who mean so much to your friends or family) than at your special day!

    However, the rule of thumb with weddings these days is, its your day and you can do what you want. so, to answer what you are ultimately asking, In this situation, I would hold off communication all together for now, and just wait until you send invitation and you can set them for exactly who you want to invite. It may be worth having a website for people to RSVP to make it even more obvious who is invited, as most sites you have to search the name to find your RSVP.

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  • Jessica
    Beginner September 2023 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    Yeah it definitely gets tricky. It wouldn't be as big of a deal if there was only one or two spouses that needed to be added on. But for example, we are inviting my great aunt & uncle and their daughters. I know 2 of the 4 daughters very well, and the other 2 minimally. But, obviously you have to invite all 4 of them, you can't just invite 2. And then they all have spouses, a couple of which I have seen but never spoken to, and 2 who I've never even been in the same room with. So now I've gone from 4 people that we want to have at our wedding, to making it 6 because of people we should have, and then if we added in spouses that number becomes 10. If we do that with everyone who is romantically involved our guest list becomes all about who we SHOULD have instead of who we want to share our day with.


    I understand that it isn't traditional etiquette, but in this economy we unfortunately can't afford to celebrate with everyone under the sun.
    We do have our guests list sorted by who we want to have, then who we should have, and then a would be nice to have category to help us prioritize guests and keep our budget from going out of hand, so we're doing our best to include people where possible but unfortunately we have to draw a line somewhere and we're drawing it at people we've never met lol. Thanks for the insight!!
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  • Kate
    Featured August 2022 Ontario
    Kate ·
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    This is tricky... I get only wanting people there whom you have a relationship with and know, totally get that. However if you are inviting a blood relative that you rarely see only because they are a blood relative then I would suck up inviting their spouse/long term partner, etc. or I would not invite my blood relative at all.

    I just think it's an etiquette not to skip out on but that is just my opinion. I agree with Brittany I would maybe reach out to those people ahead of time because you may find they straight up may just decline anyway because of this.

    I personally would find it odd to only be invited to a wedding myself and not my husband (assuming the couple has not met my husband like this scenario) - I would definitely think hard about going/probably not attend. I think in situations like this, for weddings, married couples, common law, having been together long term, etc., are all seen as 1 and therefore invited as 1 couple.

    Maybe others have experienced only being invited themselves and they can speak on that...? but I have never encountered this.

    Nonetheless, good luck and hope it works out!

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  • Jessica
    Beginner September 2023 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    Honestly, a lot of these people are people that I would be okay with not coming. They are the blood relatives that you invite because they are blood relatives, not neccessarily because you're particularly close with them, who you grew up with but see MAYBE once a year if that, which is why I don't know their spouses. Anyone who is a frequent flyer in my life will have their spouse there, because their spouse has also been a present part of my life.


    Never in my right mind would I (or my fiance) skip out on a wedding for someone that my partner doesn't even know because he wasn't invited. I honestly feel that expecting to be invited to a wedding for someone you've never even met because you're romantically with one of the guests is both entitled and rude. There's a lot of money that goes into a wedding day and to expecting someone you don't even know to spend that kind of money on you is ridiculous.
    If they decline to come then that's fine, thats their choice and they can say so with their RSVP's. But I'm not inviting people I've never met to please people that were already only invited as a courtesy due to familial ties. As mentioned, the key people in my life will have their partners invited, but not everybody and their uncle is going to be able to bring their romantic partner. Looking for a way to make it clear who is invited, while giving people ample notice to mark their calendars.
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  • Brittany
    Featured August 2023 Alberta
    Brittany ·
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    I'm gonna say this: if you are inviting a couple that has been together for years and they are married, not married and have children, etc. but are only inviting one from said couple, be prepared to have a lot of declines. Yes we are 2022 and that means wedding etiquette is ever changing, but one this that is not and I see it a lot in all the wedding planning subreddits is people saying they are not inviting the spouses of people they want to invite. They all have the same reasoning as you but none the less people still think it is very distasteful and sometimes straight up rude.

    I think before sending anything should really look into your guests list and ask those who have a partner if they are okay with their spouse not coming. Most likely your list will change after these discussions.

    I've been with my fiancé for 4 years and if I got invited to a wedding where he couldn't come, I wouldn't go and I know it would be the same if he was in the same position.

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