Guest list

We went down from 120 to about 70 when we decided on a backyard wedding. It was tough but I cut out a whole bunch of friends and extended family. We are (mostly) down to bridal party, immediate family and close friends that have been apart of our lives for a very long time.

We kept some close family friends of my fiances family as there is a couple who have been a 3rd set of grandparents to him who are practically family and his groomsman parents who he calls his "second mother". For obvious reasons we are inviting the neighbours to his parents house to the reception to keep things friendly and hopefully have no issues.

I had to make the choice to not invite some of my 1st cousins (dads sisters daughter) and her husband because I just don't see them at all ever. I've seen her once in the last 12-15 years at it was at our grandmothers funeral so it just doesn't make sense, she's much older than me (by about 20 years i think) and doesn't have facebook so there is NO contact. My mom thought I should invite them to "not cause problems" as my aunt is one to get a little snarky...BUT they don't have a good track record with family weddings and I'm not willing to take that chance...they RSVP'd YES to my other cousins wedding for 4 of them (her, her husband, son and her mother) and didn't show up..didn't even give notice or a reason. Cutting off extended family was hard but it's just so big...so 2nd cousins are off the list. There is one that I may invite but then it opens up a whole bunch of "why didn't you invite so and so too" and there would easily be 20 more added on.

The hardest part was our friends though, I did it solely based on quality of friendship. There is a couple friends I see more/talk to more on facebook ect. but it's mostly gossip ( they are NOT invited). Where as there is a couple that we are close with however don't see them very often but when we do it's like we pick up without skipping a beat, they're very lovely and very reliable/fun (they ARE invited). We did alot of it based on who my fiance and I are both friends for the most part as well as opposed to someone I chit chat with but he doesn't know well at all.

Thank you everyone! Everything turned around for us. I had a speech prepared for my parents when they told me i was right and that i shouldnt invite our cousins. They were so happy about it and assured me everything was ok. I guess i get my reception hall after all!

I totally understand how you feel and I think you should maybe tell your parents how you feel and that you wanted a small wedding

You can be upfront our families are not paying for anything but my family is super negative and critical about every single aspect of "our day" which "we" are paying. so I get it. I am actually glad so when they complain which they do about everything I say are you paying? They say no and then it silences them until the next phone call.

Say something like we are trying to save money for our wedding and equally split everything. On the bride's side we have X family members and friends of the family, on the groom's side we have X amount of family members and friends of the family and together we have X amount of mutal friends between us as a couple. As it costs $ X per plate per person (most people have no clue the cost my parents thought it was free until I educated them-seriously) we need to look at the amount of guests we are inviting. As much as we want to invite everyone we simply cannot afford to this ourselves so we have to either signficantly cut down the inviation list drastically or have the brides parents pay for brides family and family friends of the brides family and have the grooms parents pay for the grooms family and friends of the grooms family and the bride and groom will cover the cost of all their mutal friends this way it is equal.

Perhaps do it in a email to both with the guest list in excel with columns, number of guests, family of the groom, family of the bride, family friend of the groom, family friend of the bride and mutal friends so they see the big picture of why this is difficult and ask them for assitance in coughing up the money and/or cutting down the list.

Good luck

We are lucky and decided to pay for our own wedding all ourselves and this keeps all our family out of it when it came to input and the guest list which has been nice .. one less headache for me ...when you want to keep the guest list to a certain number just keep in mind who you spend the most time with and who is going to remember and appreciate and celebrate in your special day with you

We are still in the very early planning of our wedding so we've only started putting together our guest list. We've made a priority (people we absolutely have to have at the wedding) and also asked our parents for their input early on. Then we plan to revisit and makes cuts accordingly if we need to too.

Is it an option to graciously refuse the money that your parents want to contribute? If so, it might solve your problem because then you can full control over who gets invited. My friend's sister had a similar problem and essentially told her dad that she didn't want to pay for "so-and-so" cousin and if he wanted to, then he could pay.

Hey Jessica! I'm sorry to hear you had to go through this. How are things now? Did you find some tips more helpful? We'd love to hear how it went for you. What did you decide to do? There is also Shevonn in the community who just went through something similar, maybe you could give tips to each other: Guest list help Were you able to talk with your family? Will you organize a bigger party after the wedding?

Well if ita a buget thats restricting the number of guests then send a privat message to the people you cant invite and tell them that ur sorry that they cant be invited but the buget cant afford everyone. Then after the wedding maybe have a BBQ with the family that couldnt be invited..... remember its ur day and u have to be happy. You are not going to be able to make everyone happy... i can only have 80 people come to my wedding so that means half my family isnt invited, i feel bad but im not putting my self out to try and make everyone happy. Focus on inviting the people that will make ur day fun and unforgetable

I hear that! My Fiance is from Australia so for all his friends and family to come over to Canada is going to be a nightmare in itself. On top of that my mom insists I cannot leave anyone out of our family, not even the cousins and extended cousins and all their kids whom I have not even spoken too in years! Isnt the guestlist fun ladies

Anyways, I think your family will understand that you can only afford so much and a venue can only hold so much. I figured to have a engagement party with my whole family or a pre-wedding celebration where everyone can come so they feel included a few months or even a year before. We also decided to do a non- traditional mid-week wedding. Its the best way for alot of people on the family 'side-lines' to feel included but they wont go out of their way because, they have not spoken or seen you in years too. And the family that you are really close too will go out of their way to be there uaually.

Best of luck Jessica! Let me know how it all goes!

So we are giving my FMIL a set number of guests and she gets to pick and choose which family friends /extended relatives she wants to invite. We've covered everyone really important to us so it really doesn't matter too much who she picks so long as she doesn't go over!

Our rule was aunts and uncles only. I do really want my cousins there, but there are so many of them and they all have their own children it would increase our guest list by 50+ people! You need to draw the line and be firm. Have you done an A/B list? Once we did that it was also way easier to remove people.

Personally, I feel if your FH's parents aren't contributing then they don't get a say. You can set your limit and divide by half so you each get x amount. And he can decide with his family who gets a space. I'd also make sure that these are people you actually want to attend.

If your parents want more of a say you should just tell them they have say, 35 people, and ask who they would like. That way you can have them make the hard decision

Yes the dreaded guest list! Luckily we paid for everything ourselves but we did still have some issues with my mom wanting to invite people. We were engaged for 2.5 years and sent out Save the Dates a year in advance (because it was a destination wedding so we wanted to give people time to save up and get passports) so when we made the original guest list, I showed it to her and asked if I was missing anyone and she said no. Then suddenly months later, she wanted to add this friend of hers that I've barely met and I'm like "where was this before?" Then a couple months before the wedding, she had another friend from high school that she had reconnected with and she really wanted her there as well so it was super frustrating because we had set the guestlist two years before and she was just adding people last minute after we already invited a bunch of her other friends! We ended up caving in the end and letting her friends come because we had the space and it wasn't worth the argument but it was very upsetting that she wasn't respecting our decisions. She kept saying "I'll pay for them if I have to" and we were like "that's not the point! The point is you're not respecting us!" Definitely glad it's all over now.

We had some drama too over one of my husband's aunts assuming that a cousin was invited when he wasn't. We think that she was hoping for a little family reunion so she assumed without talking to us and asked him if he was coming. Luckily they worked it out amongst themselves so we didn't have to get involved but it was stressful!

I think you should just be very clear with your boundaries so then it doesn't look like you're favoring some people over others. We also ran into some issues with people wanting plus ones who weren't given one and we had to be very firm. You'll always have people who are upset but they'll get over it eventually and if they choose not to come, less people to worry about! I would recommend standing your ground so you don't regret giving in later. They were a lot of things that we had to stand our ground on and then once everyone was there, they finally "got" it and were like "I'm so glad you didn't compromise!" This is you two starting your lives together and your decisions need to be respected.

My current guest list is 150. All of my FHs family is invited, but he has a very small family (maybe 50 people). Where as me, if I were to invite my whole family, the guest list would easily jump to 200+ people (both of my parents come from families with 6 children). Half of my family is here in Alberta, half live in Manitoba. I've decided that I'm inviting all of my aunts and uncles, but I'm not inviting many of my cousins. The ones I grew up close to, are invited, but thats it.
It kinda sucks, cause you want to be able to invite everyone, but sometimes, it's just not possible. You have to draw a line, but you have to make that line fair. I'm not going to invite all of my cousins on my moms side, and then none on my dads. That's why I went with the cousins I actually grew up with. And as long as you have that line, and you stick to it, your family should understand.