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Devoted June 2019 Ontario

Groomsman M.I.A.

Monica, on June 1, 2019 at 01:18 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 7

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It’s a week before our wedding, and one of our groomsmen who we’ve all been trying to contact for the past 4 weeks, has finally decided to respond to our messages. He tells my fiancé and other groomsmen that he’s had a rough time, dealing with being let go from his job recently and issues regarding custody of his children. He was apparently apologetic about not replying to any of the messages left on his phone or texts, and says it’s because he was not in the right state of mind and “wanted to be alone.” He even went as far to get his pants hemmed today. To top it off, and I am happy for him - he got a new job that will start Monday. This means, he is unable to get Friday, our wedding day off. He mentioned to my fiancé that he would try his best to leave work early to make it to the reception only, on the other side of town, but would be unable to attend the morning festivities and events planned for the day.

I empathize for him and tried to put myself in his shoes, but am struggling and having a very difficult time trying to make myself understand why a simple text couldn’t have been sent to let us know that he was going through a difficult time. I thought it rude and irresponsible for someone to not send a simple message to let us know what’s going on, especially because of his role in our wedding.

My initial reaction to this was, he’s out of the bridal party. I can’t see how someone who only attends the reception, will be sitting at the head table when he’s ignored all of our texts and messages for weeks. But after intense and lengthy conversation with my fiancé and the other groomsmen, I don’t know what to do. I feel like a terrible person telling my fiancé that he has to let his groomsman know that he’s out of the bridal party. I mentioned to my fiancé that his and our priorities are different at this time, and he should focus his energy on himself and his kids. He is more than welcome to join our reception as a guest, but no longer needed as a groomsman.

What do you guys think? And what would you do.. I know the easy simple answer is, he’s out of the bridal party, but so difficult to do.

Your thoughts and comments are appreciated!

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Alysa, on June 1, 2019 at 13:19

Beginner October 2019 Alberta
Alysa · On June 1, 2019 at 13:19
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I would respect your fiancés wishes. At the end of the day, it’s just a seat at a table, and if it’s going to hurt their relationship to ask him to step down, let it be. I understand the frustration, with him not responding, etc., but sometimes we don’t understand if we aren’t in the situation ourselves, and people react differently. I’m not condoning his behaviour, but if he was sincere in his apology, and is doing what he can to be a part of your day (albeit in a smaller way), then i’d embrace it and support your guys’ friend. I wouldn’t let it ruin your day.
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Devoted June 2019 Ontario
Monica · On June 1, 2019 at 13:16
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Thanks everyone for your input! It really helps me to make the decision. I will definitely leave it up to my fiancé to decide and like all of you have mentioned, it’s not that big of a deal to have him sit with us... just the lack of communication is what I’m mostly annoyed at.
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VIP May 2019 Ontario
Candace · On June 1, 2019 at 12:45
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I agree with the overall consensus that I would let your fiance decide. He may not be a groomsmen in the sense of standing at up with you during the ceremony but there is a reason your fiance asked him and that reason might still stand. Letting him sit at the head table isn't a huge problem. I barely noticed anyone other that was at our head table other than the people on either side of me. Talk to your fiance about it and see where it stands on the matter.
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Curious September 2019 Quebec
Joannie · On June 1, 2019 at 10:38
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I think you should respect what your fiancé wants to do, he was probably in your wedding party for a reason. Like you said, he’s going through a rough time and kicking him out of the wedding party could affect him even more. I mean he’s trying, he went and got his pants fixed and he said he’ll leave work early to be there as soon as possible. It looks to me like he’s trying his best to not let you guys down. I get that you are frustrated by the lack of communication on his part, but everyone handle their stuff as best as they can.
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Super June 2019 Ontario
Amanda · On June 1, 2019 at 08:48
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I would leave this one up to your fiance. however... a groomsmen isn't someone who gets vip seating at dinner - that stand for you while you get married... he will not even be present at the ceremony so then what's the point? I would kind a voice that, but at the end of the day I would leave it to your fiance to deal with.
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Devoted June 2019 Ontario
Monica · On June 1, 2019 at 08:23
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Thanks for your reply and thoughts, Kelsie! Initially my fiancé wanted to keep him with us at the headtable because of their friendship. Also, he was feeling badly that he had spent money on a suit and getting it fixed yesterday. However, after discussing with some of the other groomsmen and me, his thoughts shifted slightly and now he’s torn.

He knows the logical thing to do is, have him attend as a guest, as he would not be attending majority of our wedding celebrations (we’re having a traditional tea ceremony the morning of, and then everyone heading to the gardens for photos as a group). This groomsman would also have to leave work early, to make it in time for our reception start time.. I really hate how we have been put in this difficult situation, a week before our wedding.
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Master July 2021 Ontario
Kelsie · On June 1, 2019 at 03:51
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I think it’s extremely hard because everyone deals with grief/hard times/job loss in different ways. Especially with children involved - that is super difficult. That being said, I agree it was irresponsible of him not to let you know what was going on.

How does your fiance feel? Does he still want him up at the table with you and your bridal party?

For me personally, I would go with whatever your fiancé feels is right as this is his friend and someone he chose.

If this is extremely out of character for this person, I might give him a break. If this tends to happen a bit then you’re totally within your right to have a conversation with him and let him know you’d love him to attend the wedding as a guest.
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