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Kelly
Expert September 2019 Manitoba

Feeling the money stress!

Kelly, on September 6, 2018 at 14:04 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 29
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Do you feel alone in the planning process? I wish my finance would take more initiative. But he's not a planner.

I'm very much feeling the financial burden right now. We had to give our venue post-dated cheques for the payments when we booked them. And since I'm the only one with cheques, they're ALL coming out of my account. Our next payment gets deposited next week and I'm just looking at my bank account doing the math in my head to see how much money I'll have for the remainder of the month. The payment is $1,200. Basically bye bye to and entire paycheque.

I've bought my dress, booked our bartenders, caterer, florist, and I did the initial deposit to book the venue.

We're also planning a good ol' Manitoba social, but those also require you to spend money to make money, and I've been collecting silent auction prizes as things go on sale. He paid the deposit for the social venue ($400), but so far that's the only thing he's paid for.

I'm going to talk with him about feeling the stress of spending so much on my own.

But how has everybody else felt with the money spending side of things? How did you decide who took what bills etc?

29 Comments

Latest activity by Kelly, on September 14, 2018 at 10:42
  • Kelly
    Expert September 2019 Manitoba
    Kelly ·
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    Wine and budget talks sound amazing.

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  • Missa
    Frequent user August 2019 New Brunswick
    Missa ·
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    My fiancé is the exact same. And we seem to have a similar relationship - been living together 3 years (and everything is 50/50%) and I'm doing most of the planning although we discuss about everything, he just needs to be reminded. We are getting married in August (next year) and I created a master check list for tasks to do every month until the big day. Every week I pick one task to do together or I give him a little something to do (such as, contacting one vendor for a quote or something like that). He needs to be reminded sometimes, but at the same time it makes me feel like we are both actively doing this! My check list and checking off 1 or 2 task per week is helping with the stress. I also made a calendar of what deposit or payment is due when, and we also talked about a saving plan. We are buying a house this year on top of that ( we are absolutely crazy) we we have '' wine and budget talk'' once a month to see where we are at financially, but it becomes a fun date night at the same time! Smiley smile

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  • Bianca
    Master August 2019 Ontario
    Bianca ·
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    I'm in the exact same position as you where all the deposits are coming out of my account and it's so annoying. FH just gets to enjoy planning while I've been taking on the financial burden (he pays his half to me after the fact), and it sucks to see my bank balance go down with each deposit lol.

    I think you and your FH need to split things equally and fairly in order for neither of you to soley feel the financial stress.

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  • L
    Newbie May 2019 Alberta
    Lisa ·
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    My fiance was like this at first. So I did two things, the first one assigned him to the things he is passionate about - Music (Band/DJ) and gave him a deadline or threatened to take away his back massages. Secondly, I deliberately showed him really hideous wedding colours and hit him with high numbers for quotes to get his attention. He has totally stepped up and it still takes a little tugging but he gets there. Regarding money- we transfer money to a joint account before we pay anything. This keeps it equal - look into getting a joint account maybe that provides Cheques? Or have him transfer the money right away? Sometimes you have to talk about it out in the open, men don't always notice things that bother us, and sometimes think they are helping by staying out of it.

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  • Marleau
    Devoted October 2018 Ontario
    Marleau ·
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    I can relate on the i wish my fiancé would take more initiative to help with things. We’re feeling the financial burden too, I think everyone goes though it at some point in planning. For us (we’ve been together over 4 years) all our money goes into a joint account and all our bills are paid from it. We agree as a couple that there shouldn’t be mine and your, you pay I pay, it should just be one. We’re a team and working together is key.
    I think sitting down and chatting with him about how your feeling is important, not only that this isn’t just your wedding so why are you the only one paying for it, it should be a team effort to cover all costs.
    Good luck with the planning, it will be an amazing day!
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  • Jackie
    Devoted April 2019 Ontario
    Jackie ·
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    So far I’ve made all the agreements and I’ve paid for everything except for one payment on our venue of $1500. I’ve also paid for the entire honeymoon. But it’s my first wedding and he gets Anxiety attacks. Don’t want to pressure him. So far I don’t mind. I’m just happy to be getting married.
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  • Mandy
    Devoted July 2019 Alberta
    Mandy ·
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    We talk on how much everything is costing. It is shared equally however I feel the stress of money leaving my bank account. We have a joint account where I pay a lot of our bills from. That way he can see how much everything is costing as well.

    Taking to each other is the most important advice.
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  • Janis
    Curious June 2019 Ontario
    Janis ·
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    I feel it reduces unnecessary stress. In our relationship we’ve always agreed to open communication. Same goes for our wedding planning process. We want to make sure we don’t break the bank, especially since we’re paying for it on our own.
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  • Kelly
    Expert September 2019 Manitoba
    Kelly ·
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    Thanks for all the input. Its been really insightful reading how everybody is planning on saving and splitting the costs. I didn't mean to make it sound as though I was DREADING talking money matters with my fiance, lol. We're very open with each other. We've been living together for 3 years and have always split our living costs evenly. We make pretty close the same amount.

    We chatted about the wedding costs last night, and came up with a savings plan, and he wants to take care of the next venue payment so its not all on me. Like I said, he's not a planner. He likes wedding planning, he's just not proactive about it. He's just the kind of person that needs to be reminded that things need to get done and decisions need to be made.

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  • Angel
    Frequent user June 2019 British Columbia
    Angel ·
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    As an accountant, dealing with the wedding was like another project at work! Before we made any purchases for the wedding, I came up with a budget for each item and we began saving 50/50 towards that budget. I set up a joint account and each month we will put in the same amount once we got our paycheque. We put it in a high interest savings account so the interest will help towards the wedding as well! Both my FH and I are definitely feeling the financial crunch from saving up for the wedding. Therefore, we have had to look for ways to cut costs or alternatively find a side job to help. The light at the end of the tunnel is the cash gifts we get back the day of. However, it is unsettling because we won't know how much we'll get so it is hard to bank on that amount as a means to pay for the wedding. Luckily though, is that the final payment for my photographer and reception venue comes a day after the wedding so timing wise is good. I would try to put as much as possible on a credit card so you can defer the timing of the payment plus earn some cash back benefits.

    My FH is not good at planning things so most of that responsibility has landed on my plate. We sit down time to time and I provide him with an update of what's new. He's been very supportive of all my decisions but I agree that it would be nice if he could actually be more hands on with the tasks. I have allocated him a few simple things to do but he still needs me to bug him to get it done...

    I agree with the other gals that you should speak to your FH about your financial stress. Wedding and marriage are both journeys that you will take as a couple. If you are uncomfortable talking to him about the wedding now, how much more uncomfortable will you be in the future when you experience more challenges as a married couple?

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  • Jennifer
    Super July 2019 Ontario
    Jennifer ·
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    Sounds like you are handling things how my FH and I. its worked well for us.

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  • Leanne
    Expert September 2018 Ontario
    Leanne ·
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    Money is always a difficult thing to talk about. I highly suggest you sit down together and make a plan for who is going to pay for what or if all the money is coming out of your pocket initially then how much should he be giving you to chip in. Alternatively at the end of the day if you have spent more, use more of the cash gifts to pay yourself back.

    My FH makes 4x the amount of money that I do, so it has been very difficult for us to go 50/50 in things. But we made a plan of what I will pay for vs what he will pay for so that we both feel like we are each contributing what we see as fair.

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  • Megann
    Frequent user September 2018 New Brunswick
    Megann ·
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    We had the money saved already. So that stress isnt there, it’s pure sadness to see our hard earned money go away, but it’ll be worth it Smiley smile

    just talk to him and be honest. Your marriage is doomed if you cant tell him things like this.
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  • Alexandra
    VIP November 2019 British Columbia
    Alexandra ·
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    Money is my nightmare right now. I’m in a job that physically doesn’t pay enough to pitch in to anything except paying off a small amount of debt each paycheck. My fiancé is footing all the bills and fingers crossed he should be getting a raise soon that will help put money towards wedding funds. It’s difficult as hell and it causes a few arguements but at the end of the day it shows us just how well we can figure it out.

    Talk to your fiancé. You’re clearly feeling the stress financially and that’s not fair if he’s making enough to contribute something. Getting it out there will leave you feeling so much better. Honestly my fiancé and I are in such a tight spot for money but just talking it through together makes an insane difference.
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  • Janis
    Curious June 2019 Ontario
    Janis ·
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    Hey Kelly, you’re not alone Smiley sad A lot of the external vendors (Officiant, photographer and now possibly DJ) I’ve paid for from my bank account. I don’t start any issues over it, but what I have been doing is making an excel sheet. I have all the payments jotted down, the dates deposits were made AND WHO made the payment. My fiancé and I agreed never to make any payments or bookings without each other so there are no surprises. That’s how I kept sane through this process (so far). I haven’t even thought of bachelorette / bridal shower planning at all because I feel that’s another guest list and expense to think of Smiley sad
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  • Jennifer
    Curious September 2018 Ontario
    Jennifer ·
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    We did basically the same thing! He did not want to spend money on a good photographer but i did so i bit that bill myself. Hes paying for alcohol and any improvements on the venue (friends place) that we wanted (New fire pit, newgravel etc) but the rest we split 50/50
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  • Clarissa
    Expert October 2018 Saskatchewan
    Clarissa ·
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    Everything is coming out of my bank account so I can understand your stress. Also, some people just don’t enjoy or care for the planning process.

    We made the decision to have the payments come off my credit card so we will have free flights for the honeymoon when it’s all done (I always pay off the full thing every month). We were lucky that both our parents wanted to help us pay so i put all that money into the account it comes out of right away. If it comes down to it we will also transfer some money from our joint account to mine so that everything is covered.

    I would suggest sitting down and going over everything together. When your not sticking and checking in with the budget as you go it can quickly climb out of control. I’m not sure how you two split your housing and day to costs but maybe see about making some adjustments so that your both comfortable where the money sits and the burden is split evenly.

    But definitely don’t keep these things to yourself. As money is one of the biggest stresses in a relationship and you should be able to talk openly and honestly with one another about it.
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  • Candace
    VIP May 2019 Ontario
    Candace ·
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    We split as much as we could 50/50! He paid for the venue deposit and I paid for a couple other deposits so we spent pretty much the same that way. He paid for close to half the decorations (we got most of them off amazon) and I paid the rest, etc.
    The only thing we really didn’t split 50/50 was the photographer/videographer and the bar. I wanted to go all out with our photographer and videographer packages as it was really important to me so we agreed I would pay most of these bills and he wanted an open bar with all the alcohol available so he is paying most of that.
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  • Brittany
    British Columbia
    Brittany ·
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    In terms of budgeting, payments, and getting on track for what's expected from each of you, I strongly suggest the two of you sit down and calmly discuss each other's expectations, and the best plan moving forward, and what the responsibilities will be.

    Moving into marriage, you need to be able to communicated about finances without anxiety, or worry of making the other upset/angry. It's a good learning experience for the future! You'll be needing to master your communication skills for dealing with money and finances.

    Good luck!

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  • Jennifer
    Super July 2019 Ontario
    Jennifer ·
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    That's a lot to take on/feel.

    for us house wise. the bills that have to be automatic from my account (mortgage/taxes/insurance etc) I pay. then he pays the rest. we split the bill amount pretty much 50/50. for the first 2 years we lived together I made a lot more than him. so I paid 65% of the house bills and he paid 35% (we did it relative to our incomes). and then changed it once he made more. and then I grocery one week, he groceries the following.

    in terms of wedding expenses. I have a 2nd part time cash job. so I have put more into than him. but I have a spread sheet where I list every deposit/payment (who it was made to, the date, how it was paid, what vendor/service, who paid it). and then I have 2 columns tracking how much I paid and how much he paid. so next deposit that needs to be made if I spent more...I tell him its his turn. and he's really good about it. as long as I give him some notice. so last month I said "ok in September you need to put $200 towards the dj...however you want to do that paycheck wise is up to you. screenshot e-transfers and acceptances of it"

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  • Maya
    Expert January 2019 Alberta
    Maya ·
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    I can agree that money stress can be a lot with a wedding. For us we live together in my duplex and he rents out his condo. My mortgage is more, but he helps by buying the groceries. So the rent money goes towards the wedding and we each pay our own mortgages. For certain things I paid the first deposit for the DJ and he will pay the next payment. I must say I am better at managing money than he is and know that I’ve paid more, but in the end we are living together and sharing living costs.
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  • Megs
    Curious September 2018 Ontario
    Megs ·
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    I totally feel your stress levels!! since I have the better money managing skills (and I’m the uber organized one) I’m the one paying all of the vendors/ deposits etc... I keep a log of all the deposits and services I’ve paid for and at the end of the month I take them and tell him how much his half costs. Thats also the way we pay bills 50/50 down the middle. We don’t have a joint account yet.
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  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·
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    I hear ya on the money stress! My FH sank some debt into a fixer-upper house he bought just before he met me. I live there now and most of his pay cheques are going towards renovations, mortgage, utilities. I help out with the mortgage payments and utilities since I live there too but I'm also footing the bill for most of our wedding expenses. When we do get married, we're going to have a joint account for house payments/groceries/things we'd both benefit from but we'll each keep our separate accounts for personal expenses.

    I would definitely sit down and chat with your FH about the money situation, especially if it's already stressing you out. The two of us are balanced with spending and planning (he's plans/spends on house renos. I take the reins on wedding stuff), but you two definitely need to be on the same page.

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  • Melissa
    Frequent user September 2018 Quebec
    Melissa ·
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    He makes significantly more than I do so we set a budget and decided who would pay for what based on what we could reasonably contribute. I took on a few vendors, he took on others. But, because he’s very busy, I’ve done 95% of the wedding planning, calling and searching for vendors, going to appointments, follow-ups, etc.
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  • Ashleigh
    Devoted August 2018 Ontario
    Ashleigh ·
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    I would show my FH whatever needed to be paid for/purchased and I would tell him how much every thing was, and then how much his share would cost. I would even lump things together and after a few weeks I'd show him the amounts I paid and what he owes. There were a lot of last minute purchases the month of our wedding. I believe the cost of a wedding should be close to 50/50.
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  • Peggy
    Super May 2019 Alberta
    Peggy ·
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    It's tough with two separate bank accounts, and possibly households (if you don't live together). My fiancé and I have a joint account, which I am in charge of (I was a banker for over 10 years, so it's kinda my schtick). All of both of our money goes into the account each payday, I pay all our bills and whatever is left gets funneled into our wedding savings. Sometimes it's 50$, sometimes it's 500$ (if he's worked overtime hours).

    I definitely feel the stress of the financials, though - I have nightmares about not being able to pay for the last few things!

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  • Gina
    Super April 2019 Alberta
    Gina ·
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    You definitely should talk to him as I truly believe the payments should be close to equal. Unless one person makes a substantial amount more. My FH and I have shared an account for 7 years. I know it doesn’t work for everyone. But we both work. It’s never been his money/ my money. We work as a team to pay anything we need too. I am in control of our finances, and he just got on board! Lol. I think it’s because we have to put at least $2000 per month towards the wedding, so all of a sudden he couldn’t just buy what he wanted. Lol. So we sat down, talked about the cost of everything and worked it into our monthly payments. Communication is everything. He probably just doesn’t think of it. Sometimes people can be like that. Lol. I hope you can work it out. That’s a lot of stress and responsibility on you!
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  • Tori
    Top October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori ·
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    I'm sorry to hear that Smiley sad I feel you though - I'm the one with the cheques and he is the one with the debt unfortunately.

    Although he makes double what I make I am the one that has always saved my money so it's really hard to see my bank account go below my safety number.

    We decided when we first got together that when we get married that divorce is not an option - we would sooner kill each other Smiley tongue Plus we got a joint bank account.

    The way we work the money out though is that I pay for the mortgage and he pays for EVERYTHING else. I bet that as soon as you speak with your FH that you guys can find a middle ground even if it keeping track of how much you have spent on the wedding and then asking for a transfer of money so that it's not running you dry.

    There is no way that he is going to come back at you saying "I'm not paying for OUR wedding, that's ridiculous."

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  • Jillian
    Frequent user September 2022 Ontario
    Jillian Online ·
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    I felt i was the only planning too so i jokingly said to my fiance"if you dont start voicing your opinions i will plan it all" the next day he started a pinterest board hahaha. We are also splitting the costs half and half and have a joint bank account for any money gifts we receive we will put it the account along the way. And when our parents chip in it will go in that account
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