Emotional Briding

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Yes. perfect!
makes your dad "centre stage" and keeps your mom in it too.

What you're going through is understandable and admittedly my fiancé and I went through something similar; unfortunately for us it applied more to family than friends as some of his aunts and uncles on his mom's side have been estranged from them for years, yet his mom insisted on inviting them. (He and I agreed that will not happen as our guest list is between 50-60 of our closest family and friends, to which they do not apply considering I've never even met them).

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing as at least it made you realize where your priorities lie in terms of your friendships (and in a way showed you who you can count on to be there for you), though I'm sorry that it's been difficult (if that's the term for it).

I have been stressing over the same things, sorry I have no advice yet just pray I guess

View quoted message I’ll take your advice. Thank you!

View quoted message That isn’t morbid at all; I think it sounds much better than the others and it’s most traditional.

Listen. Your dad is paying so you call the shots from here on out. You and him. Make the table for your mom. If he wants to honour his grandmother he can coordinate that on the adjacent side for symmetry. If no one is taking your feelings into consideration it’s time to do things your way. That’s what you forfeit when you’re not paying. My FH is paying for most of our wedding; he’s making the majority of the decisions. If I’m not paying for something I’m not calling the shots on it. This is the beauty of your family paying; now you get to call the shots. And it’s far from morbid.

View quoted message I just thought of this... tell me what you think...

Mr. Richard Patroch requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of his and the late Brenda Patroch’s daughter....

View quoted message I like that wording too. Yes, they were still married but separated. It was a VERY complicated situation BUT we all celebrated holidays together and there was no love lost between us.

I wanted the wording like you mentioned “Mr. Richard Patroch (and the late Brenda Patroch) request the honour...” but I was told it’s odd and ‘morbid’ to have a dead person sending out an invitation.

I was brainstorming ideas and maybe thinking something along the lines of “Mr. Richard Patroch on behalf of the late Brenda Patroch requests the honour...”

that doesnt sound right either though, does it?

View quoted message That sounds beautiful! I love the idea of having the whole table with white flowers. I’m going to mention that to my planner and make it a reality. Is it bad that I would only want my mom to be featured on the table? Don’t answer that, I know it’s selfish. My FH lost his granddad earlier this year.

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Were your mom and dad together when your mom passed?

if so. the way I've seen the wording is "Mr James Smith and the late Jane Smith invite you to celebrate the marriage of Amie and FH"

If they weren't together. I am not sure at all.

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I just visited the venue we booked and there was a wedding set up with an entire memorial in the foyer; the fireplace had photos of her dad, there was a "here in spirit" table with white sympathy flowers (lilies, hydrangeas, baby's breath, roses) and a bunch of frames with photos of her and her dad. It was just beautiful. I'm taking that idea for my dad; I'm going to set up something similar in the lounge area and make it a memoir. I'd leave the invitation for him and the speech for the two of them; but I love the idea of making it very, very clear that he is the man putting this on. If not for him, for everyone else. He seems like a wonderful guy. Thanks for sharing all of this! It's nice to know I'm not the only going one going through emotional rollarcoasters with our wedding party.

View quoted message Yessss Natalie! I love this idea. TY for your response 🙂 I’ll be sure to do that. This is why I really wanted to be formal and more traditional with my invitation, so it was clear he was hosting the wedding. I spoke to my dad about the invitation wording and of course, he said not to worry about it. He said he doesn’t care if he is recognized as the host. FYI he is such a humble man.

I’m in a bit of a pickle with the invitation wording though because I also wanted to honour my late mother which is tough with the traditional wording.

ill let you know what and when I decide though.

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Anytime. I was so upset I told my FH and he was outraged. I think it would be worth having a conversation about; this is still your wedding and he's got a whole retirement to plan for. In the mean time; I'd definitely leave a ton of space during the wedding to honor your dad. Make him the second star of the show; put his seat close if not on the secondary table; make a beautiful frame with the two of you in it with a note on the back expressing how much what he's done has meant for you. Literally single him out. They may have expected him to pay, but let your guests know he's being honored in this ceremony. Do a speech for him. Make him feel like a million dollars; it's the most passive and least petty way to say "thank you for doing what everyone else didn't - and that's why i love you."

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In 9 years if you have only met them once. yup. CUT! hahaha unless he stays in touch with certain ones other ways. I have one cousin whom I rarely see. but we talk every couple of month and play the catch up game.

I'm always looking over our guest list re-evaluating my friendships. I think its tough too because my fiance feels obligated to invite all his cousins, and I'm trying to convince him that we should cut it off at aunts and uncles. We've been dating for 9 years and I've maybe met his cousins once. They aren't close. I hear you on all of this though. Guest list is definitely the most stressful part.

I hear you!! I feel the same way. Half of my bridal party isn’t coming to my engagement party which I find really disheartening! Go with your gut I say!

View quoted message Yeah you go girl! Make yourself happy and screw everyone else.

YES TO ALL OF THIS. I don't think you're being overly emotional at all. This is a big event, a personal milestone in your life, so it's only natural that you assess your relationships. I also think that people show their true colours at times like this, and it can be surprising and upsetting when they let you down. If I were you, I would listen to your gut when it comes to the guest list.

My fiance and I have very different friend groups, and his guests are accounting for 80% of the attendees. Even so, I have decided not to invite people, including my former best friend, with whom I have had increasingly negative relationships. There is no room for any toxic energy at my wedding.

View quoted message It’s nice to hear from an unbiased opinion that I’m not overreacting. It was such a sensitive topic and I was really surprised how he and his parents handled it. At this stage, my dad has graciously offered to handle the majority of the cost. I love how you mentioned giving back to my dad with our gifts. That’s a great idea but I’m sure my FH will have an issue with that. I’ll have to really think on how to approach it with him when the time comes.

thanks for your perspective on this! It helps a lot to hear I’m not going crazy. It’s hard not to feel like I’m the irrational one when three other people are acting like it’s business as usual.

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Thank you so much!

yes. I definitely love this community. so incredibly helpful!

View quoted message I’m going to try to be understanding and not type my first reaction; but no. You are not being too sensitive. He proposed and you both decided that now was the time to get married so for him to have a 5k cutoff comes off as entitled. I was very protective over my father (who suffered for a decade from cancer before passing away, so I get that feeling) and neither me or my fiancé assumed my mom would be contributing more than a small gift at the wedding. I cried when she told me. But we are combining our lines of credit to get this done; we know there will be some “heavy hitters” in terms of monetary gifts but we aren’t banking on them or making decisions based on the assumptions of them. It may a generational gap that makes me feel like it’s insanely rude to assume anyone is paying for anything, but for your fiancé to side with that would be annoying to me. He knows the history; maybe he just needs a refresher. Let’s hope you get some money back in gifts and you can give your dad some of the money back.

View quoted message Gosh I am sorry your MIL said that BUT I’m so happy to hear your FH called her out on it.

Looking at the finances, I’m in a bit of a similar situation. My FH, MIL & FIL assumed my dad would pay for 100% of the wedding because ‘it’s tradition’. There was conversation, no deliberations, no hinting. It came as quite a shock to me.
My Dad isn’t as well-off as his parents (my mom passed away recently and was sick most of her life with cancer so she didn’t have an income). I was a bit hurt and taken back when the money factor came up. It was treated as a concrete understanding that my father would pay for the wedding.

Needless to say this stressed me out and I broke down in tears. I told my FH him and I would have to contribute OR elope. I’ve had health complications and have been forced to take off work so money has been tight (not to mention student loans). My FH got a bit defensive and said he isn’t paying more than $5000 on a wedding when are saving for a home. He reminded me how much my dad makes a year and said ‘he’s fine’. My dad is saving for his retirement too and yes, I am a bit protective of him, especially after losing my mom.

In the end, I was forced to have an uncomfortable conversation with my dad. He assumed my MIL and FIL would talk together about how much each party would contribute. When I told him I’d rather elope and have a courthouse wedding than him pay out of pocket solely, he said no. He would rather solely pay for wedding.

I’m still a bit hurt that my FH and in-laws assumed my dad was paying for everything. I mean they didn’t even bring it up or discuss it, it was their decision and it was presented like ‘I was foolish for thinking anything different’.
Am I too sensitive?

It surprised me bc my FH and in-laws are usually very respectful and polite. In this instance, I think they were lacking. Or maybe I am being entitled and too sensitive?

Thoughts?

View quoted message Thank you Allison. ❤️

We were the opposite my side was around 100 people (70 being close family - we have a large family) and his side was closer to 30 people. I ended up cutting a lot of friends. I used the "have you used it in the last year rule" if we hadn't spoke at all in the last year they didn't make the cut.

View quoted message This was really helpful and makes a lot of sense. I get caught up in planning and forget how much can change in a year. Thanks for this!

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I missed this, but my condolences to you. I know I'm a stranger but I'm here to help if you need a sounding board! That's what this great community is for.

I want to reply to so many people so let me just number it.

1. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my dad a few years ago and it's been really hard for me; I'm sad that he won't get a chance to walk me down the isle and the fact that his family is very removed from my life makes it harder. I completely get it.

2. I'm inviting family members who I didn't get a wedding invite from. That part burns me a bit, but I'm not petty enough to leave them out, and my family is small enough that it's not breaking the bank to not invite them. I take it back....I am very petty; petty enough to invite them to my wedding and have it be a glorious time and make them feel even worse for not inviting me.

3. For the topic of MIL's, we've had some division on that as well. My mom recently told me that she's put away 10,000 for my wedding/ future (if not spent on wedding) and I was completely floored. In conversation, my FH told his mom (not to throw it in her face; it came up because she brought it up) that my mother would be helping out and her response was "well that's her role as the bride's mother".... my FH was livid; he asked her if she did that for his sister, which she didn't. He then got upset at her and said listen, I'm not expecting any help from you or anyone, but don't tell me that someone who IS helping us is doing it because of tradition. My MIL gave us a list of like 50+ people and he had to talk her down to about 15. She's inviting people from overseas who don't even know either of us. She's doing the most and contributing the least, and I know there's going to be a clash between her and him soon enough so I'm just trying to stay on the sidelines.

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THIS!!! I have a unique family situation. I have my blood family. my aunts family (who is my family through marriage as my aunt married my uncle). and then I have what I call an "adopted family" (not actually adopted..but they stepped up when I needed someone). The only people from my blood family being invited are the aunt/uncle and their daughters. the rest nope as they have made no effort in my life for a number of years. and probably couldn't even tell you my FH's name.

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My sincere condolences on your mom.

I definitely have that feeling too. I called my cousin bawling a couple of months back saying its hard to wedding plan without parents (my mom died when I was 1 and my grandparents raised. I don't talk to my grandmother. and my grandpa has passed away).

I hope you have someone that you can talk to/rely on/bounce ideas off during this time.

I think sometimes during planning our emotions get the best of us. even if you don't think they will.

if he has more than you. who cares. doesn't matter at the end of the day. what matters is having who you want there.

best thing I can recommend guest list wise. take breaks from it. especially since you are so far away from when you would send invites.

for us. what we did. is we made our rough guest list. and had a TON of people with question marks. we did that because I didn't want to fall in love with a hall and it not fit everyone. we then didn't look at the list again for almost 4 months. at that point I was looking at it and I cut some people off. and added 2 people that we decided we want there. we haven't looked at it since.

there are some family members on my FMIL's side she isn't sure if she wants to invite (we personally don't want them invited). but we have left that up to her. and told us she has until January to make a decision.

my FH and I will be going over our list again in Jan/Feb. and that be our final list/count.

I have definitely felt some emotions/relationship changes in terms of the list. one part of me felt overwhelmed and sad because the relationship isn't what it used to be (or what my head/heart thought it was). the other part of me is like "its life...people change...things happen. and that's ok." At the end of the day. I want the people I care about the most there. if that ends up being way less than we planned. ok. just means I get to spend more time with who is there

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Thanks for your kind words Amie! Sorry to hear of your mom's passing.

I feel like her and I have different priorities of who to invite, especially when it comes to certain friend groups. We've both changed different circles so we are slowly working about a compromise. I've been trying to not overwhelm her with it so she can think about it.

View quoted message I’m sorry you’re going through that with your mom. Take your time on the guest list with her and hopefully over time, it will be easier to cut it down and seem like less of a wow factor if it’s a slower process.

i lost my mom in 2016 suddenly and unexpectedly so planning the wedding without her is emotional. Her and I were best friends but we clashed as well (don’t we clash the most with our moms?)
that being said, I imagine it’s tough trying to negotiate your wedding guest list with your mother but I’m Happy you have your mom there to do it with you.
I hope it all works out and you two can come to a compromise so everyone is happy and content!

THIS!! I can totally relate to this! My relationship with my mom has definitely changed as a result of wedding planning and guest list making. Some people I couldn't imagine at the wedding are ones she feels don't necessarily need to be there and people I feel can be left out are people she thinks are vital to invite! I'm slowly working on her with the list, explaining that it's MY and MY FH's wedding, not hers.

A lot of cousins on my list and myself used to hang out a lot with when we were younger then we all grew up and don't talk anymore, which is an emotional fact for me. I'm still inviting them since it might open a door to pick up where we left off.

The wedding party is tough too sometimes, everyone on my side is going through their own stress in life, and I get we all get busy, but sometimes I won't get responses in our FB group and it's hella frustrating, also none of us live in the same city!