Decision Help!

I would honestly have a talk with your FH and as long as you are both on the same page then go back to what you want. If that means they don't pay for the wedding - so be it! Wedding's are expensive but more time than not couples pay for it theirselves anyway right?

Me and my DH payed for our wedding and were able to get what we wanted on a budget!

I'm going through a similar situation, it sucks doesn't it!! What I have been doing is listening to the reason/logic behind the opinion, and then deciding from there.


For example, I did NOT want a summer wedding, but my fiance and his father both have jobs that are very seasonally busy, so summer or January were the only times they could agree on. Almost all of our guests are from out of town, so my fiance thought January was way too risky weather wise. Since those were reasons that made sense and were thought out, were having a summer wedding. But I didn't listen to opinions on other things like inviting kids, or skipping cake, because the reasons provided weren't convincing.
Good luck with the rest of your planning!! 😊

Oh man that sucks youre dealing with all this!! its hard cuz they are paying for it so i understand they have a say but you also need to put your foot down with them or they'll just keep planning the wedding THEY want not what you guys want!! luckily were paying for our own wedding so no one has a say but us and there are certain things i want that im super happy were doing.

I definitely have a feeling of what you are dealing with, and I'm sorry to hear your dream wedding is running away from you!

My parents paid for a good part of the wedding (read: reception, catering, etc) so I definitely had the guest list run away from me a bit, and I also had our reception in a ballroom (wasn't my first choice but the ceremony spot at our venue was to die for and I didn't want to do 2 separate venues). I was also planning long distance (18 hours away) so when my parents had a suggestion, I usually just let them go with it, since I couldn't be there all the time.

Have you sent out save the dates yet/are going to send them out soon? I'd see if you can cut down on the guest list if possible. From what I understand, both moms want THEIR aunts/uncles/cousins/friends? My parents pulled that too. I compromised by telling them if they are MY aunts/uncles/cousins then yes, but theirs was no. I also had to know them/met them (and not when I was 2 months). It's a hard conversation, but both You and your FH need to be a united front about having the wedding you want. You could also have a B-list - so if you get enough no's off an A-list, you could invite the B-list.

I'd also consider talking to your mom about dress decisions - it's YOUR dress and not hers so if you love it, you can say yes to it. If her opinions are getting out of hand, you may have to think about shopping without her - for your peace of mind. The dress I got, the sample only came in blush at the time and my mom wasn't having it. The consultant explained and showed that the dress can be ordered in ivory, which my mom had issues with too, until the consultant told her most dresses these days come in ivory instead of white now, and showed her a picture of my dress in ivory, and my mom didn't believe it was not "white" at first.

TL;DR - While it's great your parents are paying for the wedding, you need to set some boundaries. See if you can make some compromises on the guest list, let both sets of parents know (gently) that it is you and your FH's day and let them know what you 2 have envisioned.

Sounds like you’re being steamrolled. I would be 100% in your shoes if that were me.
Like the others have said, you’ve gotta speak up and stick up for yourself. Compromise has to happen on all sides for a wedding to be successful. I’d decide what is really important/financially feasible and focus on that, that way if you really don’t care about dessert, it won’t break your heart if they would compromise on something else.
I know what it’s like dealing with an opinionated mother; it sure isn’t easy. Unfortunately because my mother has caused me a lot of anxiety with her opinions, and has not been easy to talk to, I’ve learned not to include her in my decision making process. If you think you can talk with her an explain that she needs to keep her opinions to herself because they are only negative to you, you should definitely have that conversation. Your FH should with his mother too if she’s affecting you too.How much are they paying for? Oftentimes I’ve noticed money buys opinions unfortunately.

This is not you and what you envisioned for your day. If I were in your shoes, ask if this her idea of her wedding day and how she wants it to repeat it. Follow the thought with why not just make it your anniversary party and you have your wedding day your way.

Its wrong what's happening to you and not being listened of what your day is all about. Scrap everything she wants and go your way of ceremony and dessert table with donut wall to let your guests enjoy the variety. If the invitations haven't been made and sent yet, I say to you is cut out all the other guests you don't want present and from your FH side too. Stick to your small wedding concept being intimate. Your mom can have anything she wants though this should be about you and your FH coming as one.

Talk to your venue about your concerns to let them know what you want and come to a middle point of no plated dessert. Your mom should respect your decisions and if she wants to still pay for your wedding day. Short ceremony over long and simple.

Put your foot down it’s your day not your moms or his mother’s. yours and your FH do what you guys want. You will have to do some things your parents want if they are paying tho. My future mother in law wanted a smaller wedding and ended up with a large wedding which she did not want and didn’t know a lot of people. And that was the first thing she told me not to do .
My point is if your already miserable about it change it now cuz you will feel the same the day of your wedding

Yikes thats alot of people!!! I would just start putting my foot down if i was in your shoes. its your wedding not hers. she can cry and throw a fit as much as she wants but its your day. i think regardless you will enjoy your wedding day

That sounds like a major bummer!

Have you put down deposits for anything yet? That will change my answer.

If you haven't, talk to your FH as soon as you can. Let him know that your heart was set on a different location. I would also start to compromise with your MIL and your own mother. Eg "mom, you know i wanted a short ceremony. I am having communion because it's important to you. ___ is important to me. So i need you to let me have this one." or "mother in law, i had really wanted a small wedding. I am happy to entertain more people that are important to you, but the venue I wanted is going to be too expensive for that many guests. If you would like to pay for their plates, we would be so happy to host them. But while it's my side footing the bill, we are going to have to make some edits. Maybe we can have lunch and discuss which guests are the most important? That way I get my dream wedding and we make sure that the people dearest to you and FH are there to celebrate!"

If you've put down deposits, I would still talk to FH and let him know how you're feeling, and make sure that you find a way to get those few things left that are important to you. Let him know that you really would appreciate his backup if anyone tries to hijack your ideas and desires (read: you better effin back me up buddy). If your mom says she doesn't like a dress you're showing her, respond with "good thing it's me that's wearing it! What do you want in your own dress?" That way you remind her that she can choose for herself, but not for you.

I know that with the commodification of weddings we are so pressured to throw our dream weddings, and it SUCKS when some of those elements get taken away. I feel you on being forced to have a much larger wedding than I wanted. I find that it helps to try to remind myself that it's about celebrating my love for my FH and try to focus on that. And the dress. Don't give up control on that one, because you're the one that will wear it the whole day! Hope this helps, best of luck

Are these concrete decisions now? If not see what can be changed, if it's too late then put your foot down on everything else.


Tell your mom she can have communion, but you'll have the dress/dessert/guest list your way!
I would also talk to your venue and see if there are ways to meet in the middle on what you want. If they must cater desert can it be a bit more buffet/choose your own style? Or will they let you bring in a desert element that they don't make like doughnuts?

I mean it sounds like a lot of those decisions have already been made (venue, dessert, guest list) so I’m not sure you can really fix that. But I think it’s important to remind people it’s YOUR wedding and just put your foot down. I’m not sure how that would play out considering your parents are paying for it but we got some money from our parents and we ask for input on some thing but have made all the decisions just the two of us because it’s our day. Also try and suggest compromise, since you are having a played dessert maybe you can have a fun late night snack bar instead and put out a donut wall and other treats then?