Cohabitation or not?

My fiance and I moved in together very early on in our relationship and we found it was better just because we got to know each other and we learned very early on how to talk through our problems and disagreements. It also helped us learn to split the bills and responsibilities.

This worked best for us but it might not work best for other couples.

I think the controversy is ridiculous. I think either way works perfectly fine! My fiancé thinks that living together before getting married is the way to go, you re get to know someone better when your living with them. But I don't think it is a make or break situation. As long as you're happy, who cares what others think!

I like it because I think it shows you how a person truly is. You never know someone as well as you do when you live with them. We moved in together after a couple months (I'm sure to many people's judging eyes haha), but it was the best decision for us. It brought us so much closer over the years.

I think it’s silly there’s controversy over this at all. Personal preference. It’s no ones business what you and your partner are comfortable with or not 🤷🏼‍♀️

View quoted message Oh yes 100%! Some people don't turn out to be the same person when you live with them! Fortunately living with my fiancé has been amazing and our relationship has became stronger.

In my experience, living together has been wonderful in the sense that it brought us closer together. We have been living together for just over 4 years and engaged for 1 month (together for nearly 8 years).

There's nothing wrong with getting to know someone as well as you can before getting hitched!

I honestly don't mind living with my fiancé! He has been great to live with! Definitely depends on your comfort levels though!

I think there's perks but I don't think it matters. My relationship and engagement was short before we got married and we hadn't lived together. We are trying to find our groove now that we do live together, but it doesn't matter. We know we want to be with each other so we'll make it work no matter what. We didn't have to live together before hand to check our compatibility. We love each other and want to be together, we'll make it work.

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Everyone's situation is unique. It's wonderful that you had someone to help you in your time of need and now you're marrying your best friend. All the best.

My FH and I hadn't planned on living together before getting married, but he moved in to help me when I had some health challenges and couldn't look after my house, animals and property. I'm all healed up now and neither of us would change living together! We are getting along great and it's so nice to work together to maintain the farm. We have known each other and been the best of friends for almost 23 years, but living together now has made us that much more certain of our upcoming marriage and that it is right for us! I love him and cherish every day with him, so why shouldn't that time start before the wedding?

Kaytee, you are as good as married. May I ask why, after 11 years, you now decided to get married?

I think to live with them before you are married is better. Living with someone gives you a whole new perspective on them. Mind you....I have been living with mine for 11 years now so I guess my side is different.

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Yes, I have been down this road too. I never thought I'd be a statistic, but this will be my 3rd marriage. The first one lasted 22 years (together for 24 years) and had 4 children. He had problems with alcohol and I left. The second one lasted 6.5 years (together for 8.5 years) and he had problems with other women. So I threw him out. This time I think it's right and I too regret not meeting him sooner. Such difficult lessons to learn. Thanks for replying.

Before my FH I was in a common law relationship for almost 6 years in which we had a child. Always wanted to get married but glad now we never did as it wasn't a safe or healthy one. Young and blind you could say but a lesson learned and from that I knew what I wanted and I wasn't settling for anything less. I am glad now to say that things happen for a reason and I am going to be marrying the love of my life and the only regret I have is that I didn't meet him sooner. On that note we do not live together as of yet I have my own house so does he but currently he lives with his parents as well in the same area as his business is here. He does own his own home but we are currently fixing it up to sell and buy a piece of land and build something together but in the meantime trying to find something as the place where I live is just a rental and does not meet our needs. It makes more sense financially to move in together and from being in a 6 year relationship prior to finding the love of my life I want to wake up to him everyday and with my child she needs stability. I realize that we will have our own little quirks and I have little quirks but that's what makes us special as a couple. The situation on the other side of the parental fence hasn't and isn't stable and hence I believe why we have taken it so slow as well as I have a court document restricting where I can live which isn't fair which I am currently looking into changing since I am only moving 10 minutes down the road approximately. Everyone has different situations, what makes sense for some just doesn't make sense for others.

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Hi Laura, so nice to meet another mature bride. It's true that it's a big adjustment when you've been on your own for a long time. Sometimes couples cohabitate for financial reasons as well as to test the waters. We decided NOT to move in together until we were married for a couple of reasons; 1) we live in different cities and we each have our own house. 2) we wanted to be absolutely sure that it was going to work since we both had devastating losses with our previous relationships and 3) it had to be a gradual transition as I still have a son that lives with me but will soon be getting his own place. People do what's right for them and it's not up to us to judge. One thing is interesting; our officiant was surprised that we didn't live together. She said we are the minority now.

My fiancé and I are both in our 40s and have been living together for almost 4 years. He moved in because it didn't make sense for him to spend all his time at my house and pay rent for a separate house just to store his clothes and sleep in. His roommate had just moved out and he was going to have to move and find a new roommate as well. It seemed like we would be wasting hundreds of dollars a month. We also knew we wanted to get married but FH wanted to wait until he was more stable job wise. I have lived by myself for over 20 years so it was a big adjustment for me to have someone else in my space doing things differently than I had always done them. How we have done it has worked well for us. I think as long as you do what works for you and what you both feel comfortable with it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. It wasn't without it's bumps but as with anything if it is important to you both and you are both are committed you will get through any bumps together.

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Yes, Rekramer. This is very true. No judgement on my part. Just wondered what others thought. This has been an excellent discussion.

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Oh I have no cold feet. My fiance is one of like 5 people that I like speaking to in this world all of the time. My point was that if we didn't live together, I would not feel this confident. That said, I had a friend who said so many people were giving her a hard time because she was not going to live with her FH before marriage, and I thought that was not very good of them and she's allowed to make her own decisions. You're in your relationship and no one else, and you are in the best position to know what is best for you.

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Hi Rekramer, You are absolutely right, it depends upon what works for you. Another perk of living together is sharing the expenses. That's a big one. I think being afraid of commitment is a common thing. You should check out my question on "Any Brides have Cold Feet?". There have been some really good comments posted there. Thanks for your input.

I don't think there is a better, depends on what works for you. My fiance and I have lived together for 3 years now (it'll be well over 4 by the time we marry) and we have a dog together. We have been dating for over 6 years. Perks of living together beforehand: we've resolved a lot of our troubles that face new couples, including arguments about different lifestyles and housekeeping, we have already started our lives together in a meaningful way, wedding planning is easier because we are often automatically in the same place, and we can ask for money instead of housewares since our house is full of wares already. Downside: some of the spark is definitely gone, there is no "getting away" from the wedding discussion as the wedding gets closer, its hard to keep things a surprise. Personally, I'm terrified of commitment and deep down convinced I am unlovable so the only way this wedding was happening was if I worked through that and felt our relationship was rock solid before he proposed. But that's just me .

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Hey Jen, interestingly enough I've also been able to find out those things about my fiancé by living apart. Cohabitating is not new to me. I've done sort of a social experiment on myself to find out if living together is better than living apart. In my case, I could take learning about his habits off the table because it was pretty much equal, whether I lived with the person or not. The difference for me this time is that I could keep my independence and do my own thing while learning about him. It has really helped me to find out who I am. Thanks for your comment.

Hi Chelsea, I lived with my previous husband before marriage for 2 years. I thought I knew what he was like but over the course of 6 years of marriage, he really changed into someone I didn't expect him to be, so I'm not sure if living together can give you an edge. This time I didn't move in and I've learned just about as much of my fiancé's habits as if I had lived with him. Mind you, I did give it much more time (6 years).

I've lived with mine since April of last year (less than a year of dating) and don't get married until June of next year. I could never marry someone whom I've never lived with. I need to know all aspects of them, especially how messy they are, lazy, stinky, etc lol. I just couldn't do it. I don't want those surprises to pop up after we say I do. It would stress me out too much.

I have lived with my fiancé for about 5.5 years now, give or take lol. I think it has really helped us learn a lot about each other and we both know each other's flaws and bad habits and accept them. I also believe we know that we have what it takes to have a happy life together now! I have a couple who got married last year and they waited to move in together until they were married and they struggle a lot because they don't have their own space anymore, and they didn't know all the bad habits and flaws in their partner etc.

Hi Lesley, thanks for chiming in. I was the same this time around. I didn't want to live with him before the wedding. I wanted to find out who I was first. I kind of liked having my own schedule and doing my own thing. After we're married, that's different. Two lives combine and adjustments must be made.

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You don't have to change documents if you don't want to. Many women keep their surname. Also, I think it's important to talk about financial responsibilities before moving in together or getting married. It's the number one cause of breakups.

Thanks for your reply, Sasha. Most couples in the western world are living together before marriage. I didn't this time for various reasons. What made you decide to get married after 7 years of cohabitation? In the eyes of the law, you were already married.

I think it's definitely more usual for people to live together before marriage. It seems to be the natural step before engagement. For me personally, I didn't want to live with anyone until I was engaged.

I think it's a good idea to live together first because then you get to truly see how the other person lives and see how compatible you are, or at least how well you can deal with living in the same space together despite different habits potentially.
We have lived together since almost the beginning of our relationship so we are quite comfortable with each other's habits. We both are very similar in terms of wanting to keep a clean environment which is great. Of course we each have our own quirks but we are so used to it by now after living together for almost 7 years!

View quoted message It is exciting but stressful in a way that now you have to change alot of government documents , both need to talk about financial responsibilities etc.

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Hi Alexa, thanks for your input. Some people look at being newlyweds as exciting rather than stressful. It's true, there is a period of adjustment to learn how to work together.