Bridesman Trouble -

Like others have said, it sounds to me like there's something else going on with him. Perhaps since moving to Toronto he's changed perspective on things. Regardless though, you have to remember this is your day. You and your future spouse should be able to enjoy every minute without worrying about this kind of thing. If he's creating this kind of drama now, before the wedding, what's going to happen on the day of? What if he deliberately picks a fight with you and you feel like this on your wedding day? That's not right, and frankly, if he was as good a friend as you thought he was, why would he want you to feel that way? Some people are not good at conveying their feelings, so they do so in passive aggressive, non-direct ways, like telling you he would have passed on your wedding to attend someone else's? I would be as direct as possible, and yes he may try and turn it around on you, but you need to keep in mind that is a reflection of him and where he's at in his own personal life, not a reflection of you or the type of person you are.

Wow. honestly cant believe hes just bringing his sexual preference into wedding stuff. that has nothing to do with anything. i would honestly try and call him and speak with him about whats going on maybe he has something going on with him. it also just sounds like hes trying to get out of your wedding sorry to say!

Oh man...I'd lose it on him. I would honestly email him back with a "hey, do you have a problem with me or my wedding that you want to get off your chest, or is something going on with you that you that you haven't told me? Because I can't think of any other reason why you would be so unresponsive to my emails or why you would tell me something that would obviously hurt my feelings..."

But I'm blunt, and I don't have time for friends who try to create drama lol

He may be butt hurt at hetero-weddings for whatever reason, nothing to do with you and because of that, he may not realize his words are hurting you.

Maybe talk to him about how you feel hurt about how he's acting towards your wedding and how you wanted to include him on your day since he is a close friend. If he continues his trend, I wouldn't hesitate to ask him to step down, yes, he'll probably try to twist it that you are hateful towards him/the LGBTQ+ community, but you know that you aren't - and that's what matters.

I really don't know why he's throwing his orientation/the LGBTQ+ community in your face at all, but it's definitely not called for. Being a part of the LGBTQ+ community does not excuse you from being mean to others.

Hey! wow and I thought i had it rough with my bridesmaids issues.

to be honest, i would not want to deal with that person anymore, and I do not just mean about the wedding.

I feel like this person is acting like a victim instead of being happy for you.

However if your heart is set on having them in your wedding party, let them know how you feel. write a long message, see how they react to it.

if they react in a negative way than i would not bother anymore. However if this helps them open up than it can spark a much needed discussion.

hope this helped

I'm not sure you are as blunt as I am... but I would tell him how it is. That from where you stand he doesn't want anything to do with helping plan, he keeps throwing in the LGBT stuff which has nothing to do with why you asked him to be in your wedding party, it hurts that he would even bring up that he would ditch your wedding for a different one because you thought you were a lot closer than that, and that as much as you love him you aren't going to put up with it because you deserve friends that support you and don't accuse you or make such remarks.

If he says it's just how he feels or doesn't see anything wrong with what he has said then I would tell him that you don't see anything wrong with telling him that he is no longer wanted in the wedding party. As for if you want him attending that would be up to you.. I am so sorry you have to deal with this baloney...

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Thank you for your insight! I will ask him about it when I talk to him. I don't want him feeling unsafe or unwanted there.

Immediately, I cannot think of anything that may have made him feel that way, but you never know what people react to as everyone's personal experiences are different.

We're doing a non-religious ceremony with a JP that has done the whole spectrum of weddings. He doesn't know the majority of the family coming, bride or groom side. To be fair, I haven't even met most of my FH aunts and uncles....there are a LOT of them (like 30-35, including SO). He's met and worked with my mom in a past job and they got along great. My MOH/Sister is not anti-LGBTQ+, and the other Bridemaid has a safe space policy for all events at her business - they don't put up with homophobia or harassment of any kind there. He's never met both of them in person (just via text, phone, and Skype), so maybe that's contributing - like a wild card/unknown factor?

Is there someone attending your wedding or in your wedding party that is anti-lgbtq+? A family member or someone on your FH's side of the wedding perhaps?

I'm lgbtq+ but I can't think of any reason I would turn down being in a wedding for one of my hetero friends unless I felt unsafe and unwanted, and that could be why he keeps changing the subject to something to do with his sexuality when you bring up the wedding (my only guess without know what kind of things he's saying in response).

My best advice is to check in with him and find if he feels that being in your wedding party is too much for him right now

He may have changed since he moved and that can have an affect on people. Ask if he has time to talk and ask what whats going on and its been different not hearing from him anymore. Then slowly ask about the wedding and what may have happened he didn't give you much time and how this can work for him to be part if he is still wanting to be in the party.

I agree with Meaghan. I would gently try to ask what you've done to upset him and hope that you can get some clarity. Depending on his answer you may get an opportunity to make up or to sever ties and move forward.


From some of his responses he might be trying to pick a fight to get out of being in your wedding so after you scope out his feelings you might need to offer him an out. Your friendship might get a little bruised but it might actually turn out to be a good thing.

Oh boy... I think you are right that something bigger is going on because his responses aren't adding up. I think I would want to, very gently, broach it. I might even couch it as self reflection, that you are really concerned that you have said things that he finds upsetting and you want to better understand it so you can learn from it. Maybe there is something that is truly being missed. Or maybe he will tell you what is really going on.
Good luck!