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Expert June 2019 Ontario

Bridesmaids regret..

Holly, on December 17, 2017 at 20:49 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 25

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I have been having no luck with my bridesmaids. My first maid of honour was so jealous that she eventually dropped the MOH role. She then kept on being jealous and rude about me being engaged before her and I ended up dropping her as bridesmaid completely. Eventually after we talked things out I agreed to let her attend the wedding as a guest but that was all but she then ruined that too. So she is not involved in my life at all anymore. My new MOH lives 8 hours away for school and was supposed to move back next June, a year before the wedding. Which would be perfect for her to help me plan the wedding but now she isn't. So I feel like I have no MOH at all now, on top of that I regret my newest bridesmaids who is taking the place of my former MOH turned bridesmaid. And on top of all that one of my other bridesmaids is being completely rude and pushing me away for no reason. I regret picking my bridesmaids as early as I did. Is it too late? I just don't think I can tell the two I want to tell that I don't want them standing with me anymore or at least I don't think I want them to. I don't know what to do anymore.. what do you guys think?

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Latest activity by Holly, on January 17, 2018 at 13:26

Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On January 17, 2018 at 13:26
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Exactly! I just know exactly what I want and how I want it and the only way I can be completely sure I'll get it that way is doing it myself lol all my girls understand and are trying to keep me to give them things so do but like you said closer to the wedding I'll have stuff for them.

Thank you! ❤️
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Expert August 2018 Ontario
Breanne · On January 17, 2018 at 13:07
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This is great to hear that everything is finally sorting out for you Holly! Thanks for the update. I'm a bit of a control freak (honestly nothing against anyone else, I would just rather do things myself) so my party keeps asking what they can do.
As time goes on and we get closer to the wedding I'm sure we will find things to keep them busy.
I love that you MOH is trying to help as much as she can from a distance!
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On January 16, 2018 at 23:25
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I mean I don't think they are "supposed" to do anything. I am doing pretty much all the planning alone anyway its just easier that way. My one bridesmaids agreed to step down and the other came out to me with why she was the way she was, personal issue was distracting her. As for my MOH there is very little for her to actually do, due to the distance. So far all is working out well now.
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On January 16, 2018 at 23:23
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I spoke to my one bridesmaids and she graceful agreed to step down as bridesmaid. My other one who was being rude and ignoring me a lot opened up to me and explained why and that she was going through a personal issue that was extremely sensitive to her so we are on a good page now. And my distant MOH is stepping up as much as she can from so far away, she has a list of stuff she is able to help out with and will do what she can. She is also visiting a few times soon and will be able to help out then! So all is well with my girls now! Such a relief!!
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Beginner April 2018 British Columbia
Kaela · On January 16, 2018 at 17:14
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That seems like an awful situation to be in!! I feel your pain... your wedding is supposed to be a really happy time, and when bridesmaids agree to be bridesmaids, they are signing up to support you and ease your stress so that the day can be amazing for you and your hubby!
I don't think that you should cut them out of the wedding. I had a similar situation, my old MOH is no longer part of the wedding either... She wasn't very interested with anything to do with planning or helping and backed out because she felt it was too much. She lived far away as well.
Maybe you should send her a little list of things that you'd like her to help you out with as MOH. Doing that as early as possible gets what you want out on the table, and she can let you know if she feels like she can be the person to do those things with and for you.
Let the other bridesmaids know what you would like them to do as well.
Hope this helps!
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Curious June 2018 Ontario
Angela K. · On January 16, 2018 at 14:31
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If you are not happy with your bridesmaid or they are not helping you with anything is just fair you let them go. You could send a list of what a maid of honor / bridesmaid is supposed to do and tell them if they aren't interested in the role, you wouldn't be sad/mad, if after 45 days they still a no show/no call, then just send them a nice e-mail letting them go...
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On December 20, 2017 at 09:47
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The groomsmens girlfriend is the rational one. I agree, people forget what a bridesmaid really is. They are starting to see it more as an obligation then an honour. When I've been asked to be a bridesmaid I was honoured, knowing that you're that important in someone's life that they want you to be that involved in their big day is amazing! Unfortunately not everyone sees it like that.
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On December 20, 2017 at 09:43
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She currently has some stuff going on but she often gets iffy with me the past year or so. We used to work together and I got a new job and quit just as she was promoted to supervisor. I knew for a whole before I got engaged who my bridesmaids would be. Thank you!
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Curious June 2018 Ontario
Crystal · On December 20, 2017 at 07:19
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This is horrible! So sorry you’re going through this!
Glad you were able to talk to the rational one and get that covered.
I'm not sure when becoming a bridesmaid turned into a battle with the bride. This is YOUR day, and during your planning process you want as much support as possible! Your MOH doesn’t have to help plan! Do this with your FH so he can feel he’s involved!
Is the one ignoring you now the groomsmens girlfriend you decided to ask? If so, all the more reason to tell her this isn’t how you thought everything would turn out! If you can’t do it in person or over the phone then send a text. With the amount of respect she’s showing you, a text would be quite fine in my books.
People have lost the recognition for what a bridesmaid represents. So sad.
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Curious September 2019 Saskatchewan
Amanda · On December 20, 2017 at 01:16
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Is anything going on in the ones life to make her pull away? New man or job or something ? Sometimes people just need time to themselves and they do come back.. how soon did u pick yours? I had this issue when I was planning my wedding to my ex and I wish I knew like is there a magic time you wait to choose people ? Good luck with your girls this should be the happiest time of your life!
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On December 19, 2017 at 22:54
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It is 100% her attitude! But like I said I'll let her collect herself and try again. But yes I agree that it's much more fun planning with him, plus it's both our day and I want his input on things more than anyone else's.
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Super July 2018 Ontario
Courtney · On December 19, 2017 at 22:49
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Planning with your FH is the way to go! That's how I've been doing most of it too.. way more fun that way (I think).

I'm glad one conversation went well for you! The other one.. its almost more annoying, cause that attitude is probably the reason you aren't keen on her being in the wedding in the first place!
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On December 19, 2017 at 22:43
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I talked to my one and for the time being we agreed that she would not be a bridesmaid. We both agreed on a few things and she was and still is totally cool with it. However just the mention to the other one didn't go well, she is currently ignoring me. So I'm hoping I can let you settle and we can talk again soon. As for my MOH, I honestly don't think I'll need her much for planning, my fiance had been awesome so far with just the two of us planning and to be honest that's how I prefer it! Also being able to talk here is a huge bonus for me!
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Super July 2018 Ontario
Courtney · On December 19, 2017 at 21:33
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You could always wait a bit and see if it improves. Or have a talk with each of them to say 'Look, I feel like we are on different pages about X, what's going on' and seeing how they deal with it.

Don't be scared to kick a bridesmaid out or say that it isn't the right fit for you.

On the positive side - I don't know how much you'll need your MOH or Bridesmaids help in planning. So far I haven't had the girls plan much.. I did my engagement party, and so far have only asked them to help pick out their dresses (told them what colour but they could pick style).
I think they'll help plan my bachelorette, but I've told all of them what I'd really like.

You always have us if you need help with anything!
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On December 19, 2017 at 09:21
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Yeah I am very close to just not having any at all or just going back to my original 3 before I added the other two. I'm not a drama person but I'm starting to feel like it..it's so annoying.
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Expert March 2018 Ontario
Ashley · On December 19, 2017 at 07:43
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I know a handful of brides have mentioned that they don't have a wedding party and that might be your best option! You can incorporate some important people into your ceremony with readings or your reception with speeches. I know in my planning process I have done a lot of it myself and haven't really relied on my MOH or BMs which is totally my style because I am a huge control freak!
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Super July 2018 Alberta
Bethany · On December 18, 2017 at 21:05
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That's what I thought too! It seems like a lot of brides on here go through so much negativity! It doesn't make sense! Oh well! Thank you!!
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On December 18, 2017 at 21:03
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I don't understand why people can't just be happy for each other! I really hope everything works out with you too!
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Super July 2018 Alberta
Bethany · On December 18, 2017 at 20:36
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Don't worry you are not the only one!! My younger sister was my MOH and she told me she was going to get married before me even if it meant in a courthouse. And when she realized that wasn't an option, she said she was going to get pregnant right before the wedding so all of the attention was on her. She hasn't yet though!!! My other bridesmaid decided she was getting married a week before me even though we had decided six months before it was a terrible idea. My other three have been pretty good! But yeah just saying I totally understand where you are coming from! But stay strong! In the end (it may seem far), you'll be married!!!
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On December 18, 2017 at 01:11
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It does suck, but I agree it's my wedding and I get to be selfish. I'm just going to have to find a way to bring it up in a calm conversation that will get the point across without making me seem like jerk to her. If they are really friends I'm sure they will understand.

Thank you!❤️
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Expert November 2019 Ontario
Victoria · On December 18, 2017 at 01:07
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Sorry girl this sucks
I think your wedding is a time to be selfish! Its impossible to not worry about their reaction, but just know that youre not a jerk for doing what you want.
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On December 18, 2017 at 00:01
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Thank you Bianca, I think I just needed some reassurance about talking to them. Like you said it's not a great situation and there isn't a right way to fix this other than talking it out and hoping for the best!

Thanks again! ❤️
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Master August 2019 Ontario
Bianca · On December 17, 2017 at 23:50
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Oh you’re in such a predicament.

I don’t know if there’s going to be any right or magic solution that will please everyone (yourself included). I’d say the best thing you can do for yourself - it is YOUR special day after-all - is to go with your gut.

Best-case scenario is you talk to the two iffy bridesmaids about the issue and hopefully things turn around.

Good luck ❤️
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Expert June 2019 Ontario
Holly · On December 17, 2017 at 21:37
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I've been really close like sister close with the one whole the other I've only known for about a year and I mainly asked her because her boyfriend of 8 years is my fiance's groomsmen. The only issue with your suggestion is that I have 5 over all including my MOH. So I have my MOH, my sister, a childhood best friend, and then the two I'm on the fence about.. It's a year and a half before the wedding So I have some time to figure it out, it's just super difficult trying not to hurt anyone.
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Master August 2019 Ontario
Bianca · On December 17, 2017 at 21:29
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How close are you to the two bridesmaids you want to fire? You could always tell them that you’re going in a different direction and don’t want bridesmaids anymore, while keeping your current MOH. Then if you decide you want a bridesmaid again, pick differently.

I’m sorry you have to go through this right now, it sounds like an awful position you’re in.

Best of luck ❤️
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