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Jenn
Frequent user March 2019 Ontario

Bridesmaids

Jenn, on December 14, 2018 at 23:57 Posted in Wedding fashion 0 33
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Frustrating day....Anyone else wish they could re-choose their wedding party? Shocked that behind my back that a bridesmaid changed the dress design..found out today from my seamstress!!!! Wish if someone had a problem with it they would have said it to my face!

Don't know how to handle this to be honest...I have not yet spoken to them about it.

Super annoyed bride here.......

33 Comments

Latest activity by Kassandra, on April 19, 2019 at 14:24
  • Kassandra
    Frequent user May 2020 Alberta
    Kassandra
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    I had 3 bridesmaids originally..one I had a huge falling out with and haven't spoken to her in months. Kinda glad it happened when it did before I started planning anything. My bridal party now has my two "usher-ettes" as bridesmaids. Have an even 4 now lol. Which worked out then my FH didn't have to pick between 2 cousins 馃槉
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  • A
    Curious June 2019 British Columbia
    Amber
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    I have back-up bridesmaids planned! I've actually still only asked my MoH and haven't yet got a chance to ask the bridesmaids I want, but it's a horribly complicated affair and their is a high chance my first choices won't be able to come at all :/

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  • Alycia
    Expert March 2020 Ontario
    Alycia
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    That is so annoying, it鈥檚 one thing to not like the design but I鈥檓 sure if they brought the issue up with you, you鈥檇 have done something for them! Which is what鈥檚 probably most annoying. I鈥檓 sorry to hear that you have to deal with that. I would definitely confront them as soon as possible about it, don鈥檛 need to be harsh just point out that it鈥檚 your day after all and you don鈥檛 appreciate her making changes to that day without your approval first.

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  • Jenn
    Frequent user March 2019 Ontario
    Jenn
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    I hear ya! I鈥檓 super disappointed 馃槥 She had the seamstress change the dress...I鈥檓 shocked at how people鈥檚 true colours are seeming to be coming out...
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  • Becky
    VIP September 2019 Ontario
    Becky
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    I would def make adjustments to my bridal party if I could! I would have chose my party differently. There is one person I feel so bad about not having in my party and then I wish could kick one girl out as she has been very rude about things.


    I am shocked someone would do that! Did she order a completely different dress than agreed upon or did she have the seamstress change it?

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  • Missa
    Frequent user August 2019 New Brunswick
    Missa
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    It's so hard... I have two MOH and 2 Bridesmaid. And I just feel alot of anxiety when it comes to all of it. I finally picked the dresses after months of debating and the answer I got was '' Not the style I would have picked for myself'' and I seriously didn't know how to respond to that - I even just picked the color and the fabric, they get to pick their own design so, if thats not being flexible I don't know what else to do!

    It always blows my mind how people have such strong opinions and chooses to voices them regarding other peoples wedding...

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  • Maya
    Expert January 2019 Alberta
    Maya
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    I totally understand the feeling of wanting to repick your wedding party. I have 2 maids of honour because my best friend lives in BC and had an 8 month old so I know as much as she would love to help she is just too far away.

    The other maid maid of honour is rubbing me the wrong way, which may be in part due to pregnancy hormones. So she had mentioned back in August to make knitted or crochet wraps for everyone scince it鈥檚 a winter wedding. I鈥檝e been doing the majority of stuff by myself and just asked what we should do. Essentially the only way she would have tried to help was to make them very bulky and the wraps would have looked wrong. She sent a message saying these should have been started months ago and I snapped at her that I was busy getting everything else in order and with my pregnancy. She also stated it was unrealistic to make it with a small crochet hook and I proved her wrong making one in about a day. My other bridesmaid was in a few bad rear ends and helps by giving me feedback on things told me not to stress about it.
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  • Jennifer
    Super July 2019 Ontario
    Jennifer
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    It definitely sucks for you. and it makes me want to slap the bridesmaid for you. haha but there are bigger things to worry about. as long as it looks good at the end of the day. and meshes. and I hope the other bridesmaids would say something if it didn't.

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  • Jenn
    Frequent user March 2019 Ontario
    Jenn
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    I confronted my moh who was there at the alteration as well...unfortunately over text. Just wondered why she didn't stand up for me... and her response is that she can't speak for the other bridesmaid. I get it though, they are close, so it was a lost cause. I ultimately decided to let it go...Am I happy? No, but I just don't want the drama, so I have myself convinced that it is just a minor detail at this point.

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  • Natalie
    Devoted July 2020 Ontario
    Natalie
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    I just got mad for you. I think my palms are sweating.

    I agree with all all of the advice given. Confront her. I鈥檝e been struggling with my bridal party as well as between no-show dress appointments and divas who want to design their own dress I鈥檓 about to flip the switch real soon. Let鈥檚 hope the changes aren鈥檛 too drastic and that this little blurp of selfishness can be nipped in the butt real quick.
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  • Jennifer
    Super July 2019 Ontario
    Jennifer
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    So i'm curious....any updates????

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  • Kaisha
    Super March 2019 Nova Scotia
    Kaisha
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    So sorry you have to deal with that! Definitely very frustrating! I would definitely talk to her about her concerns.

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  • Jennifer
    Super July 2019 Ontario
    Jennifer
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    That would be so frustrating to deal with. I would want to find out what the changes were first. if its something minor I probably wouldn't worry about it. but if its an overhaul. I would calmly talk to her about it. find out why she did it/what her concern was on the dress. and just ask why she felt she couldn't talk to you about it.

    and then from there decide how you want to handle it.

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  • Sharlene
    Expert August 2019 Alberta
    Sharlene
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    That is terrible. I would feel the same way as you are. Was she there when the dress was originally being selected? Did she give her input at that time?

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  • Leanne
    Expert September 2018 Ontario
    Leanne
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    That's super frustrating, these should be the people closest to you, so they should be able to talk to you if they have a problem with something!

    I had so much drama with my bridesmaids that it ruined a lot of the planning process for me. There drama was more with each other but it caused me the headache. Definitely made me wish I could've chosen to do it differently!

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  • Peggy
    Super May 2019 Alberta
    Peggy
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    I so had this feeling! One of the girls I picked I ended up not feeling very close to (she was a very close friend but since I got engaged felt really distant - never available), and felt like she was always too busy for anything to do with the wedding. She ended up stepping down herself, and I was able to ask someone else who has been helping extensively with the wedding, despite not being a bridesmaid (but now is!)

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  • Jenn
    Frequent user March 2019 Ontario
    Jenn
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    You did the smart thing!! In retrospect I would have done something similar!

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  • Bianca
    Master August 2019 Ontario
    Bianca
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    Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through that. It's pretty appalling that your bridesmaid would have the audacity to change the dress design without your authorization. I don't know the feeling since I went with just one MOH (my sister) in order to avoid the hassle of bridesmaids lol. Good luck Smiley heart

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  • Tori
    Top October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori
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    Confront. IMO I think that if you don't then it shows that you can be taken advantage of. It's your day - family or not they should understand it. There is no reason that she should have went behind your back. I mean - what the actual f?

    For sure never too late to change the wedding party but with her being a family member of the FH I would say it more along the lines of "If you really aren't liking the dress then by all means, you don't have to wear it - I understand if you just want to attend the wedding as a guest and I'm completely okay with that". I get that how I phrased it comes off a bit mean so maybe change it up a little bit...

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  • H茅l猫ne
    Devoted September 2019 Alberta
    H茅l猫ne
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    Think about how you will feel down the road at family events if you 'keep the peace' and if you confront.

    Keeping the peace tends to build resentment and animosity. Then, when said person does something like this down the road, all that frustration boils over.

    Strategic confrontation - getting curious about the information from the seamstress and asking the bridesmaid questions to get clarity - goes a long way. Then, expressing your position, why you are frustrated/hurt/angry and express what the bridesmaid can do to correct their chosen behaviour (wear the dress as originally decided, choose a different role within the wedding etc. - whatever you decide). She chooses the outcome that she's most comfortable with so it's not you imposing your unilateral decision, it's you presenting options because of her behaviour and she makes the ultimate decision.

    The conflict doesn't have to mean cutting that person out of the wedding party but, if it was me, the trust would be broken and I would be wary of trusting her with anything vital to the big day.

    Having a calm discussion, hearing her side of it and leaving her in control of choosing the consequences for her actions (from options that you decide) may end up with her behaving like a spoiled child, but down the road you won't have the resentment of keeping the peace or the fracture of having blown up at her over it all. She may eventually come around, or she may not. But, as long as you feel OK with how you handle it, that's the important thing. You can only control you, your message and your response. You can't control how everyone else responds. Be true to yourself and do what feels right for you.

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  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison
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    That definitely sucks that she did that behind your back! I would definitely be mad at her but it is better to take the high road.

    I would definitely ask why she did it and why she didn't bring it up before-hand. At the same time, I don't think it's worth blowing up and starting a fight over it. But I would let her know how you are hurt by her decision.

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  • E
    Expert December 2018 Ontario
    Emma
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    You have every right to confront her. Don鈥檛 be rude. Just tell her you want the dress the way it was. Then tell her it鈥檚 uo to her, she can either wear the dress you (and I鈥檓 assuming your bridesmades choose) or she can bow out of the wedding party. Then it鈥檚 her choice. I would even just leave out how bad it was she went behind your back. Just deal with the dress and then if anyone says anything to you about not keeping the peace, remind them how you let her going behind your back go.

    Dont let this person bully you into letting wear something that you don鈥檛 want. If they want to wear what they want then they should just be a guest.
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  • Gina
    Super April 2019 Alberta
    Gina
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    I would calmly call her and ask. Be honest and straight forward just like you wish she would have done. Tell her you would have preferred her to let you know before hand. Also, see the dress first. Maybe it鈥檚 something very minor, or not as bad as your thoughts are dragging you into. Maybe it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 older lol, but this isn鈥檛 the worst thing in the world. It definitely doesn鈥檛 warrant cutting someone out of your life or starting a huge fight over. It鈥檚 one single day in your life. You don鈥檛 want to look back on it in 10 years and think 鈥 why did I act that way?鈥 I鈥檓 just being honest because I look back on things now and regret the way I handled a lot of situations. Sometimes it鈥檚 hard, but you have to take the high road. i understand being upset, I really do! If this person is from your FH side, then you should definitely try keep the peace to the best of your ability. You don鈥檛 want him to be in the middle of things. Just my honest opinion.
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  • Jenn
    Frequent user March 2019 Ontario
    Jenn
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    This is exactly!! If I only saw the dress the day of my wedding I would be livid. Honesty goes a long way....man I just don't get it. Do I confront? Do I "Keep the peace?"

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  • Erin
    Super September 2019 Ontario
    Erin
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    No no no, absolutely not! This is your wedding and you get to do it your way! She doesn't get to to this to you and you don't have to let her get away with it! If you're not happy with what she's doing, have her fix it or she's out! Who told you to keep the peace??? If it's your fiance, you need to have a serious talk. If it's anyone else, Bridezilla a bit! It's YOUR wedding. Honestly, I would NEVER let ANYONE get away with something like this - not even my sisters!
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  • Jenn
    Frequent user March 2019 Ontario
    Jenn
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    That is how I feel too....problem is it is my fiance's family member. So I'm been guilted with the "keep the peace!"
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  • Jenn
    Frequent user March 2019 Ontario
    Jenn
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    She KNEW what the dress looked like and agreed! I've been in weddings and would never think to do something like that! Don't like it that much bow out! Not your day!

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  • Erin
    Super September 2019 Ontario
    Erin
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    That's almost unforgivable to me, but I would say talk to her and find out why.
    At the same time, be wary - if she's willing to do it with something as huge as the dress, what else is she willing to do it over??? Keep an eye on that one...
    • Reply
  • E
    Expert December 2018 Ontario
    Emma
    • Dispute
    Wow. Ok I understand not liking the dress. But changing it behind your back? That鈥檚 incredible. If they had an issue they should have come and talked to you.

    Honestly I would call up the bridesmaid and have a talk with them. Find out why they did it. If it鈥檚 because they weren鈥檛 comfortable in the dress (to short, too tight, too much skin whatever) then I would ask them why they couldn鈥檛 talk to you about it. Then decide if you are ok with the changes or not.

    If it was just because they liked it better a different way, we鈥檒l if it was me I would think about kicking them out.

    Its never too late for you to change your wedding party.
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  • Casey
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Casey
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    Wow. That is quite brave to go behind someone鈥檚 back and do that!
    Some people need to watch 27 Dresses and then be thankful for what they are wearing because guaranteed it is nicer than some of the dresses in that movie! Lol
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  • Tyanna
    Super June 2019 British Columbia
    Tyanna
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    Definitely frustrating, but I can kind of see both sides. I would NEVER go behind the brides back and change the dress, but I was a bridesmaid once where I felt uncomfortable in the chosen dress and there was nothing I could do about it. Unfortunately my discomfort in the dress translated to the photos and I feel so awful, even to this day.

    I was 12 at that wedding and I vowed that day that when I got married, my girls would choose their own dresses. I stuck to that when I got engaged and all my girls picked different t dresses. As long as they were the same designer and could come in the same colour I was happy.

    That being said, I would absolutely be peeved that she went and did that behind your back . Uncomfortsnle or not, that's So not cool 馃槳
    • Reply
  • Alexandra
    VIP November 2019 British Columbia
    Alexandra
    • Dispute
    I鈥檇 be furious, oh my goodness. To change the design behind your back that鈥檚 not okay. That鈥檚 a fairly awful thing to do as a friend.
    • Reply

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