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Jowell
Newbie July 2022 Ontario

Bridesmaid regret

Jowell, on December 5, 2021 at 08:09 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 13
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I got engaged in July 2021 and am getting married July 2022! I am feeling the crunch.


I have one Bridesmaid who is hot and cold. She was so excited about my engagement, but now hardly talks to me. She is in a new relationship, starting school/placement while working casually on my unit. I used to think I was a good friend of hers as she confided in me with a lot of her personal problems - I’ve learned quickly that she is quite the drama Queen. She shares her personal problems in the work place, has been seen crying at work often over small issues, and complains often about many people to me while acting like their friend to their face. It made me wonder what I meant to her.
Although she agreed to be a bridesmaid, she had once told me she doesn’t have to be. Which I found confusing. I know where I stand with all my girls except her and it causes me anxiety. I’m constantly worried about how she’ll react , her opinions are strong, and she is high maintenance. She’s more excited about work gossip than asking about my wedding. It is just giving me bad vibes and encroaching drama. She is MOH for her childhood friend next year as well and she has cried and complained to me about that - it just comes off as a person who can’t simply be happy for someone else.
Anyway, I tried to have a discussion with her over the phone. She said she was busy and would call me back. She never did. So I texted her explaining that I wanted her to pour her heart into her MOH role in the other wedding, focus on school and her new relationship. That I think being a guest at my wedding could ease the stress, that I still love her and want her there - but spare her the nitty gritty planning/emotional support I need.
She has yet to respond and it’s making me so uncomfortable - case in point why I don’t necessarily want her as a bridesmaid. She is just causing me stress and anxiety.
I anticipate this will affect our relationship, but I’ve been noticing these changes for a while and am okay if she decides to be immature/angry with me. Im hopeful she can be supportive, but I have little faith now.
Sigh.

13 Comments

Latest activity by Alyx, on December 7, 2021 at 14:38
  • Alyx
    Featured September 2022 Alberta
    Alyx ·
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    Oh good!! I’m so glad that stress has been eliminated!! 🥰
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  • Monica
    Beginner August 2022 British Columbia
    Monica ·
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    Hi Jowell, (nice to e-meet you)

    Wow, I can only imagine how stressful this whole ordeal must have been for you. I know those types of complex relationships keep me awake all night. I just want to say that I am so glad to hear that you were able to do what is best for your special day. Take this from someone who works in the field of human behavioural: her mannerisms (as detailed by you) suggest attention seeking behaviour. That type of behaviour won't magically pause on your wedding day. Of course, from her position it may have been painful to hear she's 'off the team' which could very well be why she has a snippy retort like "I hope you're happy". But you arrived at a resolution in a respectful way and that's what matters.

    Wishing you wonderful wedding planning season and an absolutely beautiful wedding day!

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  • Daily
    Featured August 2022 Ontario
    Daily ·
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    I’m so sorry to hear that!! You did the right thing. She’s too busy for you and you don’t need the extra stress on top of planning a weeding. Best of luck!😍😍
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  • Jowell
    Newbie July 2022 Ontario
    Jowell ·
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    Thank you!! I do feel so much better ❤️
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  • Jowell
    Newbie July 2022 Ontario
    Jowell ·
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    Thank you for sharing and your advice!


    Luckily she has backed down entirely. She was short with me but didn’t put up a fight. I’m relieved.
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  • Jowell
    Newbie July 2022 Ontario
    Jowell ·
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    Update: she called me the next day. I told her how I felt, nothing about her character defects but that I want her to pour herself into her priorities and that I do not want to compete for her time or attention.


    She was short with me and petty, replied “oh sure no problem, I just hope you’re happy with your decision”
    And I am. It’s a huge weight lifted.
    All my girls are kind, accommodating and understanding. And that’s what I need ❤️
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  • Alyx
    Featured September 2022 Alberta
    Alyx ·
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    This is so sad and upsetting. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. My cousin is doing similar things to me. We grew up like sisters but she can be a little toxic sometimes so I made her my bridesmaid not my MOH and the day I got my wedding dress she messaged upset that my MOH was closer with me and that she got to see my dress and she couldn’t. She was mad that she was paying for her portion of the bachelorette party and wedding hair. It was absolutely horrible. I will honestly never look at that day the same it was supposed to be the most magical day and she ruined it. She caused me so much anxiety and crying. I told her from the beginning that these were the certain costs that my bridesmaids had to pay and I understand it is expensive so if you can’t be apart of this then I totally understand and I won’t take hard feelings.
    As for my dress I’ve always dreamt of doing a dress reveal and she just couldn’t except that I wanted to do that and that my gma and MOH saw my dress. She went ahead and deleted and blocked my MOH on all social media. Like how catty and pathetic.
    Then she was upset I didn’t make her the MOH. She doesn’t even live where I live she likes 15 hours away!!!? How could she possibly help me. And she blatantly she would be horrible MOH because look how she’s acting already… this proves my point on why she’s not! Also who does that to the bride?? Like in what world do you tell the bride actually I should be the MOH.. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I didn’t talk to her for a week and finally called her and she didn’t apologize she didn’t care about the hurt she caused me but in the end I explained this isn’t about what you want this is about what me and my fiancé want and that she needs to be with us at the capacity we have asked her to be. She says well I just needed to get everything off my chest and I said next time don’t. I told her I would absolutely never do this to anyone or any bride it’s so unfair. Our relationship is ruined honestly but I’m playing nice for the sake of my wedding. I’m very much prepared to have someone else step in if she can’t be a decent human being to me. And after my wedding I will not be interacting with her again. So anyway I’m sorry you have to go through this. I know the anxiousness you must be feeling and it’s not fair. You don’t want to look back at this special time and be reminded of her toxic behaviour. Set clear boundaries with your bridesmaid that has somewhat helped me I haven’t had any problems since .. knock on wood. and even get your fiancé to be there or on the phone with you when you talk to her. Because it’s ultimately about both you guys! And not fair to either of you. And he can just say either be with us or don’t be apart of our day it’s very simple. Have a back up girl in place .. always have a plan b. I hope moving forward she can smarten you and realize this isn’t about her. And sending positive vibes to you and your husband 🤍
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  • Jenn
    Frequent user August 2023 Ontario
    Jenn ·
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    You definitely made the right decision! I get the lack of response is also causing stress tho - when did you send the text about her focusing on her MOH duties for the other wedding, school, etc?

    If it's been over a week, I suggest follow-up with a "Hey, just checking in and seeing what your thoughts are for what I sent the other week? I want to reiterate...." and if she still doesn't respond, THAT is all the response you need, and you can cut ties and if you want to ask someone else, you can.

    If this other girl starts inquiring about dress shopping, etc., down the road, you also have your out with "Oh, when I didn't hear back from you when I reached out about you possibly taking a step back to focus on your other priorities, that that was what you decided to do - step back, so I had to make the decision to move on"

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  • Rere
    Frequent user September 2022 Ontario
    Rere ·
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    You did the right thing. This is a special day for you and nobody should make you feel any other way except for happiness.
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  • Abby
    Beginner June 2022 Alberta
    Abby ·
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    It’s definitely easier said than done but you made the right choice. It would cause me anxiety as well as I am a person that worries about everything. I predict the day of the wedding will be stressful enough so you do not need another factor adding to that. Best of luck !
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  • Amanda
    Featured August 2022 British Columbia
    Amanda Online ·
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    I think you did the right thing. Just remember, it's your wedding day. The people that you have standing up for you, should be supportive and not give you any stress during these times.

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  • Rayanne
    Featured June 2022 Ontario
    Rayanne ·
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    I think that you've done what's best for you and her. You didn't call names or be mean about it. I'm sure she'll come around.
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  • Laura
    Devoted June 2022 Ontario
    Laura ·
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    I think you approached this as delicately as you could. Remember that this is ultimately your wedding, and your maids should be a source of support, not stress. I’m so sorry that this is part of your experience, but you can rest well knowing you did what was right for you and your day, and respected her as an adult and friend while standing your ground.
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