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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario

Bridesmaid Negativity

Olivia, on September 16, 2020 at 14:43 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 28

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So I’m having an issue with one of my bridesmaids. I bought my wedding dress mid- August and made our bridesmaid apt a few days later. The appointment is for this Saturday and one of my girls has all of a sudden decided she is terrified of covid. I understand the fear, but my issue and frustration come from the fact that the appointment was made almost a month ago and she’s just decided this is a problem for her now. She told me she is not afraid to go to the store but she doesn’t want to be near myself or the rest of my girls... so the big problem here is she doesn’t drive.
Our appointment is in another city and I have already made arrangements to have another girl pick her up and drive her home, which in my opinion shouldn’t be up to me to have to do figure out for her. So her issue is being in the car with us, so I said get your boyfriend to drive you, well he can’t because he works that day. I have no other suggestions to give her. I have figured out transportation for you and you don’t like it, this is no longer my problem.

I can’t stop stressing about it because she is debating if she even wants to come. I’ve tried telling her that whether we go Saturday or we go next month covid is still going to be a thing. She is not going without me, because I obviously need to say if I like the dress or not. She’s also even said to me “I’m not sure your wedding will even happen.” Obviously not something you should be saying to the bride.
I have talked to my MOH and she said she’ll send everyone a message basically saying leave your negative opinions to yourself. But I’m not convinced that will stop her.
This was a super long post, I basically wrote this just to vent. Advice is welcome.

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28 Comments

Latest activity by Alanna, on September 23, 2020 at 03:44

Newbie October 2020 Ontario
Alanna · On September 23, 2020 at 03:44
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Good for you! Sometimes that’s all we can do- make the best of it.
Take care
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 18, 2020 at 14:30
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You’re totally right. I decided to say something to her about it. I was going to have my MOH do it but I thought I’d be more affective coming from me. After I did that she apologized and agreed to go dress shopping on a different weekend with just myself and my sister!
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 18, 2020 at 14:29
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Thanks for the reply! Luckily after a discussion with her she has apologized for the negativity and agreed to go dress shopping with my sister and I!
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 18, 2020 at 14:27
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Thanks for the reply! I’ve talked with her and voiced my concerns with her negativity. She apologized and agreed to go dress shopping with just myself and my sister, thankfully 👌🏻
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Beginner June 2022 Ontario
Deanna · On September 18, 2020 at 13:33
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If this kind of negativity is showing up now, who's to say what else she will complain about in the future! If this was me, I would question if I even want her in the wedding party anymore. The sole purpose of the wedding party is to support the bride, help, and celebrate the union as someone who cherishes you. If she's not doing that then you don't need that kind of stress in your life. Up to you, just sharing my opinion. good luck!
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Top August 2017 Ontario
Vinod · On September 18, 2020 at 10:43
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Your one bridesmaid can stay home and not attend if she isn't comfortable being the car with you all or getting a ride. Her attitude isn't right and finding a solution is hard to work around. The others can get their dresses as needed when going and for the one staying back can go on her own time given you provide the store, phone number and your name as the bride to know which dress is being ordered for her fitting/sizing.
I can understand her position though she doesn't realize how strong she is making her comments towards you and the others to put herself as strong and bad. She shouldn't have said what she said just because Covid is around us all and it won't go away on the weekend. I wish you all the best and hopefully she comes around better.
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Curious April 2021 Manitoba
Alyssa · On September 18, 2020 at 08:40
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Good! Have fun! Enjoy yourself!!
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 17, 2020 at 19:49
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Thank you for understanding my frustration! I’ve decided to just let it go and have a fun day whether she’s there or not. I’m going to choose the dress for her and that’s that!
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 17, 2020 at 19:47
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Thank you!! I’m going to have to do that because based on the reply she sent me today saying she isn’t coming on Saturday I need to know where her thoughts lie on future events.
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 17, 2020 at 19:46
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Thank you so much for saying all of this!! I truly appreciate it. Sounds exactly what the rest of my bridesmaids have been saying. I’ve decided that I’m over it, I can’t waste my energy trying to explain to her the importance of getting your dress in advance, she won’t change her mind. So I’ve made the choice to tell her I’ll be choosing her dress on Saturday and she can go in or call to get it ordered on her own time.
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Curious April 2021 Manitoba
Alyssa · On September 17, 2020 at 17:10
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Hello,
So sorry to hear this. In my opinion, if she is starting to wonder whether or not your wedding will happen she should be providing you with support and not negative comments.
I hope this doesn’t seem to harsh, you can ignore my comment if so. But I wouldn’t worry about it. I would leave her behind. If she is not willing to set up arrangements for herself then that’s je own problem. If I were you, I would just go and have a super fun day with the rest of your bridesmaids and not even think about that. That’s what that day is supposed to be for you guys anyways, a fun opportunity to go dress shopping with your favourite girls. After your trip, send her a photo of the dress she will need to buy and tell her to make her own arrangements to get fitted. When she does make comments about whether or not she thinks the wedding will happen, I would just say “for now it is, and I need you to make plans to go and get your dress before it is too late. If I need to postpone, then we will have the dresses in advance.” Not trying to say that Covid fears aren’t legitimate, but I think your right that she should have said something a while ago or made an effort to make plans to go on her own. You’ve been more than accommodating.Again, sorry if this is harsh. Ignore me if you don’t agree. Remember that this wedding is all about you, both the big day and the planning process leading up to it. It’s not often that we get to enjoy one thing that is all about us! Don’t let anybody take that away from you.
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Newbie October 2020 Ontario
Alanna · On September 17, 2020 at 11:01
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Hi there,

My fiancé and I moved our date from June 20 2020 to October 10 2020. We asked our guests who would still be attending and about 30 people replied telling us they cannot attend due to covid. I found this stressful because the pandemic is making things very uncertain. Many guests are also undecided on whether they want to come, which is also frustrating. Today, there is a chance we may have to cut guests to 25. For guests that keep saying yes and then no, they’re scared of covid, giving us a hard time, they’re going to be cut because they aren’t reliable. In your case, you have tried many suggestions and gone out of your way to arrange alternatives and your bridesmaid is still unsure. I would ask her if she still wants to be part of the bridal party. It may sound harsh, but people need to be honest and straightforward. It’s so much easier planning amidst this already difficult situation. I understand the pandemic is scary and some people cannot afford the to take the risk. But if they feel uncomfortable, don’t come. All the best
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VIP September 2020 Ontario
Geneviève · On September 17, 2020 at 10:14
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I totally get where she’s coming from with these covid fears, but if it’s going to impede everything she needs to do, maybe staying in the party isn’t the best choice for her (especially if she’s thinking she might not come to the wedding at all).
I think your best bet is to sit her down and have an open and honest talk about covid and how she’s feeling. It could just be fear that needs alleviating at her own pace where she can still participate distantly (like zoom or her own appointment) but needs help figuring out what that looks like. She might also be looking for an out to just be a guest in case she doesn’t feel safe attending. Having a safe conversation is the best way to see where you’re both at and how you can meet in the middle.
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 17, 2020 at 08:23
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Thank you for seeing it from my perspective, pretty much exactly what I was thinking!
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 17, 2020 at 08:23
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Oh that sounds really promising, thanks for the info! I’ll have to check with our salon and see if they could do that for us.
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 17, 2020 at 08:22
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I totally get the covid thing I just don’t understand her logic of not wanting to go in the car with us but having no issue once we get to the store (and go out for dinner afterwards) I’m actually having a few different styles, likely 4 because I have 8 girls so I thought having them all come and choose their own style that compliments them was a good plan. But I guess I’ll just choose for her based on whoever has the most similar body shape as her.
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Curious October 2020 Ontario
Kim · On September 17, 2020 at 08:18
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My bridesmaids and I went dress shopping before lockdown and they found a dress they both liked. They didn't commit to it at the time rhiu and by the time we were supposed to go back to look again, everything was shut down. Our bridal salon was awesome though and emailed the information on how to take your own measurements so the girls could proceed with the order despite covid.

Perhaps your salon could do the same for your bridal party....as long as you find the dress you all like and they can pay the deposit?
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Featured September 2021 Ontario
Hank · On September 17, 2020 at 01:40
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To be fair, daily covid cases have tripled over the course of a week so what felt comfortable a month ago is definitely not going to be the same today.
That being said, it looks like you're getting your whole party to wear one style of dress anyway. If that's what they agreed to, and you and your MOH find the dress that you think works, she and the other bridesmaids technically don't have to be there unless they want to give an opinion, which they can technically do over whatsapp or something through pictures and video.
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Beginner October 2021 Ontario
Paige · On September 16, 2020 at 23:44
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Awwh, that's really frustrating, I'm sorry to hear you're going though that. If she isn't willing to be In a car with friends I doubt she would even let the employee size her when the time comes, as it is a pretty close encounter. If she doesn't end up going but you still want her included I would get another bridesmaid to facetime her so she can give her thoughts and opinions on the dresses everyone else is trying on. She should probably just measure herself and order the dress a size bigger and just get it altered if need be.
Hope it all goes well!
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 16, 2020 at 18:14
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Very true! The transportation thing I feel like is such a stressor. Thanks for the advice!!
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Featured August 2022 British Columbia
Amanda · On September 16, 2020 at 17:27
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I honestly think her negativity towards you is uncalled for and she shouldn't be saying that your wedding won't happen. If she is scared about covid like most of us in some form, you kinda have to respect that if I was in your shoes. You could always just pick out a dress with your MOH and then just get your bridemaids size picked for her if she doesn't want to come to the appointment. I would honestly do that if I were you. If she doesn't like the dress or whatever the case may be, then so be it. It's not her wedding it's yours. She will have to be around people for your wedding, bridal shower, bachelorette party etc. and if she's still in the same mindset by then, then maybe she shouldn't be a bridesmaid :/
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Master October 2020 New Brunswick
Amelia · On September 16, 2020 at 16:56
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I think if she doesn't want to ride with you and cannot get a different ride then let her stay home. But see if she can go another time to try on the style/styles you pick out and be measured in store.

If she refuses that I would honestly ask her if she wants to drop out. If she isn't willing to make this happen then I feel like there could be more similar problems to come (rehearsal dinner, bachelorette, and bridal shower all involve groups of people and potential crowds).
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 16, 2020 at 15:42
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That’s a good suggestion, I can try and get her to do that. I do understand her fear of covid my big frustration is just the negativity and she hasn’t really offered suggestions on how she can make the appointment work at a different date.
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Devoted October 2020 Ontario
Arexy · On September 16, 2020 at 15:37
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I would assume the store will size her when she goes in at her convenience
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Super November 2020 British Columbia
Christiana · On September 16, 2020 at 15:36
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Can she get a ride from her boyfriend on a different day to try on whatever you choose and get measured? If that won't work she can measure herself at home and should be able to order based on that.
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Frequent user October 2021 Ontario
Olivia · On September 16, 2020 at 15:34
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That’s kind of what I was thinking of doing I just wasn’t sure how that would work without getting her sized?
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Devoted October 2020 Ontario
Arexy · On September 16, 2020 at 15:32
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The negativity from her is uncalled for. However, if she is concerned about covid, then you have to respect that. I would just tell her kindly that if she cannot arrange a ride, you’ll pick out the dress with your MOH and she can pick it up in her size at her earliest convenience.
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Super November 2020 British Columbia
Christiana · On September 16, 2020 at 15:24
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I think you need to respect her boundaries with covid and try to put yourself in her position. We all have very different comfort levels and I personally feel the same as her. I haven't been in a vehicle with anyone other than my partner since March and I would not feel comfortable attending a group appointment at a bridal salon right now. I also think her comment about your wedding not happening is probably her taking out her frustration around being pressured to go to an appointment that she doesn't feel comfortable attending.
Is there any way she can facetime or zoom into the appointment? She obviously won't be able to try on the dresses but she will at least be able to see what the other bridesmaids look like in them.
I hope you two figure something out
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