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Holly
VIP June 2019 Ontario

Bridesmaid might not want to be a bridesmaid anymore??

Holly, on April 26, 2018 at 23:31 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 15
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I've had previously issues with bridesmaid. Apparently I'm not good at picking them...
I don't want to kick this certain bridesmaid out of the wedding necessarily but I just feel like she doesn't deserve it anymore. Ever since I moved provinces she's maybe talked to me 3..4 times..she ignores ALL my texts and I just feel like she if purposely trying to make me feel bad. She definitely changed, there is no doubt about that and it's only been since I've moved. I don't feel like I'd even describe her as a friend anymore and I hate that.
I've mentioned little things to her here and there from when she was acting a bit odd to me earlier this year but she always seems to have an excuse to the way she's treating me. So I know that if I confront her about this it will be the same thing. And I do not want to ruin whatever is left in this friendship so I'm kind of torn.
I also do not want to be down to only 3 bridesmaids when my fiance has 5. I know that's a stupid reason to keep a bridesmaid. Also I feel like people will think I'm bridezilla or something since I've had previous issues with a bridesmaid leading to the end of our friendship.
I'm not sure if it's all in my head because I have no friends here and all my friends are in Ontario or if she's generally being rude and ignorant towards me.
I kind of just needed to get that off my chest, I'm going to talk to my MOH tomorrow see what she thinks of the situation. Also how do you think I should handle this or whatever, or am I just crazy?! Any tips, advice or even just sympathy will help, feeling extremely lonely since the move and need some sympathy lol

15 Comments

Latest activity by Holly, on April 29, 2018 at 20:16
  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
    Holly ·
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    So I've been able to actually get a conversation going with her. She seems like she is upset about me moving. Haven't brought that up yet because I want to actually get a conversation in with her. She keeps putting emphasis on how much she's been spending time with a mutual friend of ours since I left, not sure what the purpose of her constantly bringing that up is. She also mentioned all the wedding she's going to and how busy she is going to be all summer. I'm trying not to think too much into it but it all came up after I told her how well we are doing here with settling and meeting new people and such. Hoping that it'll pass the more we talk and then maybe I can mention it to her.
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  • Maya
    Expert January 2019 Alberta
    Maya ·
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    I can relate to having issues with my one maid of honour. I won’t go into detail because the important part is we patched things up. I learned about a way to have conflict resolution from a course called the pursuit of excellence. What worked for me was having an open conversation with my best friend about how I felt. I told her this is the story I tell myself when your not responding to my messages that you don’t want to talk to me. I also gave her the chance to express back her feelings. We have been best friends since we were 5 and I didn’t want to let that go. My friend and I both are quick to respond when we feel upset so it was important for me to cool the air and ask for a time that worked for her to talk.

    I hope everything turns turns out with you bridesmaid and that on your day she is there to support you Smiley smile good luck.
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  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·
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    That's a bummer! Unfortunately, like many of the other girls say, moving far away can put strain on a friendship and change the dynamic. I've been both the friend that moved and the friend of someone who moved away. She might be angry with you for moving, especially if you lived near each other and hung out a lot before. In an odd way, she probably misses you but can't just say so, therefore she's angry instead. Being angry for moving is annoying but I've felt it and had a friend felt it too when I moved, it happens I guess.

    I would talk with your MOH about her, maybe she knows if something is going on with your friend. If it is logistically possible for you, maybe you could go visit for a week in the summer and catch up. She might also need time to adjust to the new dynamic, but I wouldn't give up on her yet - she might be acting out/absent because she's worried that the friendship will fade with distance but just keep reaching out to her, even just to say hello

    I hope your situation gets better, it's tough not having anyone near you after a move. The weddingwire community is here for you though Smiley smile

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  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
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    Thanks! My problem with her currently is actually getting her to talk, she ignores me at almost all my attempts to contact her. I don't talk much about the wedding unless it's already been brought up or I'm telling her some important information. She has lots of long distance friend which is why I'm mainly concerned otherwise bi would have figured that's why she not talking to me. I'm usually the first person she tells things to but recently I've been hearing big news that normally she'd tell me, from other friends or her Facebook posts. The only reason I don't think she's accidentally doing this is because ever since I've moved she's invited me to do things with her, her birthday party is the weekend and she send me an invitation knowing well that I cannot go because of the distance, she's also sent me texts earlier in the month asking me to go our for drinks on the weekend and when I mentioned to her that there is no sense in inviting me to do things because of the distance she says yeah I know. It feels like that's her way of trying to hurt me for moving or something.
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  • Jennifer
    Super July 2019 Ontario
    Jennifer ·
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    That really sucks you are going through this. again. not a fun place to be when you are just so excited about everything.
    talk to your MOH, get her feeling on things. and step back from her for a week or two. who knows. she may be going through something and isn't ready to talk about it. or maybe she struggles on handling the long distance friendship (I had a few friends that did with that when I moved overseas).

    and not sure how your talks are going with her. but I know sometimes I can talk too much wedding things. so i'm trying to be really cautious of that. and sometimes friends just don't want to hear it.
    good luck with it. deep breath. it will be ok! Smiley smile

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  • Jennifer
    Super August 2018 Alberta
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    Yeah I totally get that. My MOH and one of my bridesmaids are married as well. I just started with a simple question that I was wondering about for the bachelorette which is next month and she didn’t really have much of an answer for me at one point she said something that really showed that she didn’t care right now and hadn’t put any thought into it. So I addressed right then and there, she did feel bad and apologized. I wasn’t trying to make her feel bad or anything but I think she just finally realized how stressed I was and how she was acting. She’s also the last one to order her bridesmaid dress (I asked the girls to order in April) and it was bothering me that she was leaving it until last minute vs ordering it right away and maybe helping me with the other bridesmaids. I think she didn’t even realize how I was feeling or how she was acting bc she honestly is so busy in her own life and I think kind of was putting off MOH duties. I think it’s best to clear the air for sure
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  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
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    I honestly thought she was going to be the best bridesmaid. She's 10 years older than me so lots of her friends have been married and she's been a bridesmaid like 20 times lol plus she married so I figured out of any of them she would really understand how much a bride needs her girls help and support. So I'm definitely going to talk to her, I also hate holding things in, it's just figuring out how to go about it all and not offending her or upsetting her too much. I'm sure my MOH will be helpful, fingers crossed!
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  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
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    Yeah I'm definitely going to give it time, see what happens. Talk to my MOH and hopefully she has advice. Thank you 😊
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  • Jennifer
    Super August 2018 Alberta
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    I have two bridesmaids, well actually one bridesmaid and my MOH live far away from me and it definitely gets tough. It is odd how she’s ignoring you, I recently had a bit of an argument with my MOH bc I felt like she wasn’t really wanting to do anything and she never talks wedding with me unless I bring it up and then changes the discussion as soon as she can. So I had a bridezilla moment lol but I feel better letting her know how I feel and she realized how I was feeling instead of me continuing to hold it in. I tried to just be honest which is one thing in life I think is important. I hate beating around the bush or holding things in.
    Hopefully your MOH has some advice! I’ve definitely learnt that not all bridal parties are the same or act how they make it out to be in the movies. They do have their own lives which I understand. I know we as brides want to include them and want people there with us that we are close with so I would hope that this wouldn’t be it with your bridesmaid if you talked her and that your friendship means more to her!
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  • Erin
    Master September 2017 Ontario
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    I'm sorry to hear that this is happening! I unfortunately don't have any advice for you other than maybe wait a little. Both of my best friends live far away (Calgary and South Korea) and our relationships have definitely changed since we all were in university together. I think this may just be a bump in the road and she'll come around. I think talking to your MOH will definitely help though. I hope all else is well!

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  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
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    I definitely do not want to throw her out, I'd like to keep her if she's willing. I love the advice to wait and see how things are when we see each other next, unfortunately that will be the week of the wedding.. and I can't currently count on her because all the things I suggest for bachelorette/bridal shower she says no she can't for whatever reason. And I just worry about regretting having her as one as well as regretting not having her. Very tricky situation unfortunately, I'll definitely be talking with her (hopefully she act answers me) and see how things go from there, then maybe slowly start mentioning how I feel. She's very difficult to talk to at times because so gets pretty defensive and turns on you and talks about you to others.. So I'm hoping after talking this out with others see their take then maybe I can figure out how to approach the situation. Thanks so much! 😊❤️
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  • Lydia
    Devoted June 2019 British Columbia
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    Hi Holly,
    I'm sorry you're going through thisSmiley heart I know it can be quite tough in the beginning when you've just moved and your friendships from back home can change and start to feel really different (I moved countries 3.5 years ago myself), it's just a bit harder to keep in contact and tbh it could also be a bit difficult for the people back home. There's a very big chance however that all will be as great as before when you are actually seeing each other again in real life, as it all was before. I know this sorta happens for me every time I go back home for a visit. It's just a bit tough to deal with when you really try and she just comes with excuses, but if I were you I wouldn't make the decision yet to throw her out. Just wait a bit, maybe discuss it with her later down the line, and see how your relationship is when you meet up again sometime. It might be just getting used to the new kind of friendship, I know I was quite angry with some of my friends in the beginning because it wasn't as close as it was before (and I was trying) but it's just because you don't live that closeby anymore unfortunately that doesn't mean she doesn't have to mean she doesn't wanna be in it anymore or anything bad towards your relationship or all that. If you make that decision now and everything is all fine actually when you guys meet again face to face you might regret it, and you still got plenty of time to think about it
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  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
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    Yeah I'm pretty sensitive, especially when it comes to stuff like this. Hopefully my MOH can help. Thanks 😊
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  • Bianca
    Master August 2019 Ontario
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    Hey Holly, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I don't have advice but I totally get how you're feeling. I'm a sensitive person so I'm always up and down about literally everything. Talking to your MOH should be good because she will hopefully have insight into this from both sides.

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  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
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    *side note* the rest of my planning and everything is going perfectly so far! So that's fantastic but this whole bridesmaid situation is making me regret picking them when I did. I think I should have waited till around now to ask them..
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