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Amie
Devoted August 2019 British Columbia

Bridesmaid mia

Amie, on November 21, 2018 at 13:11 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 39
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Hi ladies!

I have 5 bridesmaids and chose (with their feedback) a Vera Wang bridesmaid dress from David’s Bridal for them for the wedding.

If you haven’t heard, DB is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy BUT they claim business will continue to run as scheduled, orders will not be affected, and their stores will continue to remain open. Luckily, 2/5 of the BM have received their dresses, 2 are on rush order but one of my BM hasn’t ordered.

My wedding is August 3, 2019 so there is plenty of time to get the dress but with this looming bankruptcy, I am skeptical the stores will remain open which is why I put a rush on the dresses that haven’t arrived. I cannot find any other store that sells this particular BM dress either. This is why I was in a rush to get these remaining dresses.

One of my BM has been really MIA since I’ve ‘proposed’ to her. It took her two months to confirm she received my proposal gift. She claimed she hadn’t checked the mail.... for two months?


She doesn’t answer my calls, won’t return my texts for on average 2 weeks (not exaggerating). Initially, I was worried about her. Is she OK, is everything OK in her life, what is going on? So I left a heartfelt message telling her, I DK about anything wedding-related, I want to know how you are doing and I’m worried you bc we haven’t spoke. Weeks later she responded LOL, all good, just busy!

So then I thought, maybe she is having second thoughts on being a BM. I tried to call, no answer so I text saying, “I know how busy you are and how hectic life can get. I also know how much of a financial and time commitment being a BM can be. I want you to know the most important thing is for you to have fun and enjoy yourself on the wedding day. I just want my friend alongside me to celebrate, whether it’s as a guest or a BM, it’s up to you. I love you and I’ll be honored to have you with me at my wedding regardless of the role”. 10 days later, she responded, “YES, of course”.


Now to the dress situation. She’s the only one left to order her dress. I did ask the BM to have them ordered by Nov. 15 (suggested by my planner). I called her, left messages and text - NOT about the dress, just to connect and chat.

Anyways, after explaining the bankruptcy situation and that I’ve been speaking to DB managers. I told her I have her dress on hold at the warehouse, I can have it rush ordered and have the shipping costs waivered IF she orders it in 48 hrs (they will only hold the dress for that long at the distribution center).

I offered to pay for it on my cc for the time being. I know I have protection on my cc if the company went under and we didn’t receive the dress. But she didn’t get back to me with her new address to delivery or confirming her size.

The 48hr hold is over and that’s alright. I feel like I did my part. I called her twice, text her offering to pay and I didn’t get a response. She ignored my call (one ring then to voicemail).

Im not mad about the dress, either she has it or she doesn’t, that’s alright. I’m so hurt by her actions as a friend. I wouldn’t treat a friend like that. When I reached out to her, it was to talk and catch up, not wedding related (except recently). We have a group chat with all BM and MOH so anything wedding-related is discussed there.

Im at a loss on what to do at this point. I feel like I’m not taking the hint that ‘she is just not that into me’. My FH dislikes her just based off what he’s heard me going through. He hasn’t met her and I’ve defended her bc I don’t know what’s going on in her life. But it’s been MONTHS of this, like almost 4 months of ignored calls.

What do I do? What would you do? Help guide me through this. Am I pathetic for trying to keep connecting with her? She’s active on IG and FB so I know she sees my messages.

Please help! Am I missing something?

PS- Thank you and congratulations if you read through my essay and made it to the end!

39 Comments

Latest activity by Amie, on December 2, 2018 at 21:16
  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
    Amie ·
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    You’re so sweet. I am truly in awe with how sweet the majority of you are on here. All the love and kindness is overwhelming.
    I hope things with your bridal party have settled down and are positive.

    Wishing you all the best 🙂
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  • Natalie
    Devoted July 2020 Ontario
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    Oh, she doesn't deserve an invite either. Both of these girls need to get together and be best crappy friends with one another. No one is perfect; my friend flopped on my first dress shopping trip and I had to go alone. But at least your prospective BM said how she felt and didn't waste your time, you're right on that.

    Cheers to taking out the garbage in 2019 Smiley heart

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  • Cassandra
    Beginner August 2020 Ontario
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    So much this! I remember you posting in my thread about the BM who said I wasn't a good enough friend to even be in my party but at least she told me in advance. But this is just insane. I agree with Natalie ❤️ if you need another friend just to talk let me know lol I love making new friends
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  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
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    Yes. Your dad sounds like he was an intelligent man. He’s right and I do need to learn to accept an apology I may never receive.

    Great advice. Thank you so much Natalie.
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  • Catherine
    Frequent user July 2020 Quebec
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    Yess! This!
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  • Natalie
    Devoted July 2020 Ontario
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    My dad once told me "Sometimes you need to learn to accept an apology you'll never get" when my first boyfriend broke up with me.

    Because whatever she says, there's really no excuse. There's nothing that really can be said to make it better. Even if you put in something about really wanting to have said this verbally but knowing that you wouldn't even be able to get a chance to do that could work. And you've been so sweet and understanding throughout all of this; even with you wanting to say what you need to in person out of courtesy. She just doesn't deserve it imo. I hope this all works out for you either way, and at least you have four solid girls who are down for supporting the process!

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  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
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    Oh my goodness Natalie. I want to hug you, kiss you or high-five you - I don’t know which one! Haha. You worded it so well and you said absolutely everything I have been feeling and/or thinking. I read your response letter to my FH, he agreed, laughed and said that’s exactly what I need to send her way.


    I wanted to speak with her on the phone (ya know, how adults do things) BUT the more time that passes, the less probable I think it is.

    Ill 100% be using parts of your letter. I want to send the entirety of it but maybe I’m too soft.

    I need to be the bigger person and get over the fact that I won’t get an explanation. Even though I desperately want one.

    This is a life lesson and she’s shown me who she is and what type of person she is. I need to remind myself of that.
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  • Natalie
    Devoted July 2020 Ontario
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    (BM Name);


    I'm struggling to find the words that express exactly how I feel at this point. I've reached out to you on so many occasions; I've given you opportunities to back out of any obligations you have towards being my bridesmaid. I've checked in on you when I was worried; I've given you weeks at a time to even get a text back because I know how busy you are. But in all honesty; I'm busy too. Everyone in this bridal party is busy; and everyone has made time for even the bare minimum level of commitment to me and this process except you.

    I have come to the realization that I can't count on you for anything in regards to this process. I can't even get you to return a phonecall; let alone order a dress. I have so many things to worry about right now; half of them you wouldn't know of because you don't show me the same courtesy I show you in terms of just being a friend and checking in. I'm tired of being nice. I had no issues with you being too busy to do this; I had no issues with limiting your involvement to literally the BARE minimum. I had no issues if you said you had to back out. But to now have to stress about the fact that I can't even reach you to see why you haven't ordered a dress, or to have you even respond to me when I go out of my way to make additional accommodations for you? I'm planning an entire wedding! How is that fair to me? I waited weeks for you to even confirm if you were still in my bridal party. You've made me feel pathetic and desperate for even still trying to contact you.

    I wish you could have just told me you didn't want to be involved in this; it would have saved me many headaches and a lot of hurt feelings. But at least your actions have shown me that you have no interest in me, my feelings or this process and I will now make that decision for you. I have been respectful, gone out of my way to accommodate you and tried to understand your restrictions but I will not set myself up to continue getting let down.

    Don't worry, you don't have to respond to this. I will just assume you took the time out of your very busy schedule to skim through it and get the just of me saying you are no longer part of the wedding party, and free to continue your other obligations. The best part of this message for me is that at least I don't need to count down the days for you to answer.

    Regards,


    Amie


    that felt amazing to write and even if you don't got the blunt route, I'm glad I got a chance to write it. She's a.... yea.

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  • Natalie
    Devoted July 2020 Ontario
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    I will write a response later today in detail for this but it will be a lost harsher than the previously posted one. Lol
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  • Natalie
    Devoted July 2020 Ontario
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    CUT HER.

    SHES OUT. GIRL BYE.

    You’re being SO accommodating and nice and understanding to someone who is being NONE OF THOSE THINGS to you. This woman is being so disrespectful; barely responding and waving off your concerns. Like, you even offered to pay for the dress?! She’s not even doing the bare minimum. THIS IS MAKING ME SO MAD I ACTUALLY WANT TO TEXT HER MYSELF.

    She deserves to know how you feel. How much an additional headache she is at a time where you have a thousand other things to worry about. Don’t chase her anymore. You did way more than you should have already. Do you need five? Do you have anyone who you’d consider in her place? Could you go ahead with four? Or even make a junior bridesmaid?
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  • Alie
    Frequent user September 2019 Ontario
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    Honestly, id just be like hey. Im taking you off the wedding party if you dont smarten up. And give her a time limit .. ( ie, if you dont have xyz done by ....) Then we will have to take you off the list. Explain your feelings. If she even puts up a struggle then obviously she doesnt really want to be in your wedding party

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  • Catherine
    Frequent user July 2020 Quebec
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    I am sorry to hear you never got the chance to talk to her. Smiley sad Your plan is a good one. You've given her so many chances and the benefit of the doubt, it's time to do what is best for you right now. She's really stretched the limits here at this point.
    I wonder if perhaps she felt bad taking your offer to opt out as a bridesmaid, and said yes to be kind, while hoping you would eventually be the one to pull the plug. Maybe that's really not the case, but i can't wrap my head around her behavior. :/

    Keep us posted! I hope it goes well! ♡
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  • Erin
    Super September 2019 Ontario
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    Too bad. I'd cut my losses and find someone else.
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  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
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    Thank you Alexandra. What you wrote there is great and I’ll be sure to reference back to this when her and I speak. I agree with everything you said.



    I t makes me sad our friendship won’t survive this but I’m also beginning to see there may not be much of a friendship to begin with.


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  • Kelsie
    Master July 2021 Ontario
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    I think this is an amazing way to say it!
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  • Alexandra
    VIP November 2019 British Columbia
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    Ouch, that sucks that it ended up going this way. Personally I’d say something along the lines of.

    ”Hey BM name,

    I know you’ve clearly got a lot going on in your life right now and things have been kind of crazy for you. I’ve been patient and understanding but I feel like you don’t have the time to prioritize being a BM right now and I’ve given you the opportunity to opt out and I’ve tried to offer to help out but frankly you’ve been either ignoring my messages or waiting for days to respond and while my wedding might not be a priority for you all the time, I really needed you to prioritize it for a moment to get this done for me and you didn’t. It really upset me and I’ve given the situation a lot of thought and I don’t think I want you to stand with me as a BM anymore. I hope that everything that’s going on in your life right now works out for you and feel free to reach out if you want to talk about it but for now I need to do what’s best for me and my wedding day.”

    Be aware your friendship likely won’t survive this, though it sounds like it isn’t much of a loss anymore from the way she’s been treating you. Best of luck ❤️
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  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
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    Well ladies, it’s been over a week since I last spoke to this MIA BM and she was to call me later that day to speak. The call never came, I tried her (twice) and we haven’t spoke since.

    I am ever more hurt than I was before. When I first posted this, there were no ‘promise to call you at such and such time’ or ignoring time-sensitive messages. She was made aware of the rush with the dress and knew I offered to buy it. And it’s not a priority to her.

    i don’t think I want her as a BM. I’m at the point of telling her thanks but no thanks. You obviously are very busy and this isn’t a priority.

    Now how to put that eloquently?
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  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
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    I know!! I'm the worst at assuming that whenever some one says, "Can we talk", "Call me as soon as you can," anything along those lines.

    At the same time, your MIA BM might be thinking the same way if you open up with something along the lines above. However, when someone tells me they need to talk to me, I will have that conversation no matter how many stomach flips are happening lol

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  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
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    Lol it’s nice to hear I’m not the only one who makes notes. Thanks for the advice.

    Im glad it was nothing serious with your BM. It’s funny how we automatically assume the worst.
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  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
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    Thanks Catherine. Unfortunately, I’m out of town and my notes are at home (EEP)! LOL it’s okay, I’m about to write down what I feel I want to say. My FH and MIL are very supportive around this and all of you ladies have been a great help too.

    Thank you!
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  • Catherine
    Frequent user July 2020 Quebec
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    Yes please keep us posted! And the idea of writing key notes is fantastic. That way no matter what you won't forget exactly what needs to be said, or the points you need to get across. Since it's a sensitive conversation, nerves might get in the way, especially if she responds in a way that takes you off guard.
    Honestly, unless she says sorry a thousand times and gives a good reason about why she has been so evasive, I'd tell her she is of course still invited, but that the tasks and duties of being a BM are only going to get bigger, so if it's already a struggle for her... (something along those lines, but perhaps a sugar coated version to not create a riff in your relationship).
    Imo even if she was going through something, as a true friend she could have had the curtesy to just say hey! Not in a good place. Here's my size, order the dress, thanks so much! I'll explain later. -->Takes 20 seconds.
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  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
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    I would be the same way! My one BM texted me yesterday asking if I had time to talk and my mind went to: "She's gonna tell me she's dropping out/annoyed with me for bugging her" but she had a question about non-wedding stuff lol

    I feel like I'm a nerd too and when I have to talk to someone about something sensitive, I make notes before the conversation.

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  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
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    Thank you! That’s how I feel too. We were scheduled to speak today at 3PM. She didn’t call so I tried her. No answer. Oh well.

    I have written down some notes and key points I want to get across when we talk. I’m such a nerd but I want to be sure I am able to communicate my thoughts and feelings without hurting her. It’s a delicate situation so I want to be sure I handle it properly and sensitively.

    ill be sure to keep y’all in the loop!
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  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
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    Phew that is quite the problem! I have one BM who's not as bad as this one, so I can relate to this somewhat lol.

    Enough about me, I think you are right Amie and when she contacts you again, I would have a chat and talk to her. I like what you said and at this point, you should be direct with her. Let her know that YOU get the feeling that she's not invested with being your BM. Maybe ask if there is something going on that is causing her to be like this and listen if she does open up. But do give her the option to opt out before cutting her. Let her know if she wants to do this, that you need her to be able to respond within a reasonable amount of time.

    Your wedding is less than a year now, and I don't think you are asking too much from your wedding party at this point. If I remember correctly, you didn't have a lot asked of your bridal party. I'm the same way so when you do ask for something simple like, "what's your dress size?", "what's your opinion on X?", it shouldn't be a big deal to answer back within a reasonable amount of time. If all else fails, you might have to take it upon yourself to cut her by the new year. Not only is she being a bad BM, she's being a bad friend.

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  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
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    Hey everyone!

    thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. You’ve given me a lot to think about. It’s been 2 days since I last connected with my BM and she hasn’t reached out since my messages or missed calls.

    Right now, I’ve decided to wait until she messages me then I will message her back and ask if she has 5 min to talk right now?


    Once can get her on the phone I’m going to explain how awkward this is for me but I felt this discussion needed to be had. I’ll tell her I’m getting the impression she’s not interested in being a BM. I understand a lot of things go on in our lives and there may be a lot of reasons you cannot be a bridesmaid, whether it’s financial or not having enough time. I know I have asked you this once before, but I wanted to ask again and give you a chance to speak up, are you able to be my BM? I don’t want to lose our friendship over this.

    How does this sound? Any examples or suggestions of other things to say or add? I’d love to hear your opinion. Is this direct enough?
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  • Robyn
    Super June 2019 Ontario
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    Woah.... this is a lot of stress for you to be going through at a time that is already stressful enough. Maybe I'm being harsh, but if it were me... I'd cut her. And I wouldn't try to spare her feelings, either. She is not being a good friend to you. There is something going on, imo, and she needs to work out her issues without bringing that negativity into your life.

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  • Jenn
    Frequent user March 2019 Ontario
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    You have done your due diligence, I would definitely cut her out of the wedding party at this point!! That's insane that you have to chase someone like that, and it is just not worth the stress!!

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  • Kelsie
    Master July 2021 Ontario
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    I would 100% cut at this point. She is not invested at all; even if she is that busy it takes two seconds to pick up the phone or text saying you’re busy but will definitely get to it.

    I had a friend like this and it became absolutely toxic. I made the decision to end the friendship.

    it is a very difficult thing to do but this is your day! The people you want to stand with you shouldn’t make your life this difficult.

    i wish you the best with this tough decision
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  • Jennifer
    Super July 2019 Ontario
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    Don't cut yet. I would send her one last message about ordering the dress. explaining again that you want to make sure she has it due to possible problems with DB. and to let you know when she has. I would also give a date (say Jan 1).

    If she doesn't by jan 1. then cut.

    but that's just me.

    the other option. maybe have MOH talk to her. and see where her head is it at/whats happening before you cut

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  • Brittany
    British Columbia
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    I'm hoping for your sake that giving her an ultimatum (give my your dress size tonight or I'm assuming you don't want to be a BM) will trigger her to getting it done... But especially with David's Bridal announcing their bankruptcy ... you have all the reason in the world to want to get those dresses ASAP. PLUS 2 of my 3 girls got the LAST DRESS in their size/colour in all of North America. The consultant showed me the screen that showed inventories and it was zeros across the board except for ONE dress... So if the style you're getting is popular, or even an older style... she may actually time out on having the option to even get the dress...

    IF the "push" doesn't jolt her into realizing how important this is to you, then it's never too early to cut someone who isn't prioritizing you... And I don't expect bridesmaids to make you their #1 the WHOLE time you're engaged... but you should be respected and at least deserve a timely response to things...

    I was supposed to have 7 GM/4 BM, but my best friend is attending school in England and her finals are the week/weekend of the wedding. with 7 and 4, you can have the Best Man and MOH pair up, then each remaining bridesmaid gets 2 groomsmen escorts Smiley smile (I already did all the math when I thought that was going to be my situation... haha).

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  • Amanda
    Super June 2019 Ontario
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    I think her silence speaks volumes. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - wedding entirely aside - sorry to say; she's being a shitty friend. I would be so hurt. it sounds like you have made leaps just to connect with her on a friend level and it's gone ignored. I wouldn't worry about the ratio of groomsmen to bridesmaids... if you're asking for an opinion - that is not someone I would want standing next to me on one of the most important days of my life. You shouldn't be worrying about other people. Your girls are supposed to make the planning fun and easier not add extra stress.
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  • Amie
    Devoted August 2019 British Columbia
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    Thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate the advice and giving me an actual example of what to say to her. Including a deadline is important too I think. Am I jumping the gun with my rush for her dress? Will putting my foot down in Nov seem ridiculous when our wedding is in August?
    what will I tell the others? I’m not one to air another’s dirty laundry... but I don’t want to seem like I cut her for no good reason either.

    As of now, I have 5 BM (including this one) and there are 7 groomsmen! If I cut her, that’s 4 BM (including my MOH) and 7 GM (including the BM)

    Thanks in advance for your time! 🙂
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