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Curious September 2020 Quebec

BM backs out weeks after accepting.

Tanya, on May 27, 2019 at 15:12 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 17
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Hey everyone!

my FH and I are getting married on June 6, 2020. We therefore still have about 1 year to plan everything. We’ve been engaged for 3 years now.

I did my bridesmaids proposal in February 2019. Had a brunch, gave my BM’s and MOH their personalized robes and had a photographer over to take photos of us!

1 week later, I got a message from one of my BM’s who said she needed time for herself and would not message me for a while. At first, I didn’t think anything bad of it (she’s been my bestfriend for 10 years now and has done it before). 3 months later, still no news, realized she had blocked me. I managed to contact her via email (yup, only way I could reach her...) and she admitted we could not be friends anymore and that we were simply not in the same places in our lives anymore.

It honestly broke my heart as she has been my closest friend for 10 years now. She’s the only person in my wedding party who knew me before I knew my FH and therefore, she has seen our entire relationship evolve.

Now the issue I have is I posted the photos on social media for everyone to see who my BM’s were. My sister and her daughter were not in the photos as they weren’t able to make it (daughter was sick).

I Really want to have the exact same number as my FH (6 each). Therefore, I don’t know how to ask someone else. I feel like they will feel like the last pick since they clearly know I picked my wedding party back in Feb...

how would you announce it? Should i pick a guy instead to be a bridesman and avoid the drama?

also, my sister tends to back out of things a lot. I put her as BM cause I mean, I love my sister, but she is already giving me trouble, saying my venue is too far (2h away) and that she needs to pick the BM dresses, etc. What do I do??? Remove her?

thanks so much for your help,
T

17 Comments

Latest activity by Allison, on May 29, 2019 at 16:11
  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·
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    No problem! Feel free to DM me if you have any questions about bridesmen/groomswomen Smiley laugh

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  • T
    Curious September 2020 Quebec
    Tanya ·
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    Gotcha!!! And yeah, don't worry I won't put him in a dress lol

    Thanks so much for sharing,
    Tanya
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  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·
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    Our best woman is wearing a suit to match the guys actually (she's very tom-boy so she was glad we didn't ask her to wear a dress lol) so if you are having a bridesman I'd have him match the rest of the bridesmaids (he doesn't need to be in a dress lol) instead of the groomsmen. Our best woman is on my FH's side so she is sitting with the groomsmen.

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  • T
    Curious September 2020 Quebec
    Tanya ·
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    Hi Megan!

    I’m so sorry to hear that... especially so close to your wedding day.

    I am happy to see your friend was willing to hop in. I might just do that then. Have a real conversation face to face and make it seem special. One thing that might help me is that when I did my first proposal, it was to all my friends from Toronto. I live in Barbados at the moment so if I picked a friend from outside Toronto and arranged a trip there, I could justify not have proposing at the same time. I just really don’t want people’s feelings to get hurt. I would’ve had 20 BMs if I could (i’m in a cheer squad and sorority so I have so many close girl friends...).
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  • Megan
    Curious November 2019 Ontario
    Megan ·
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    One of my bridesmaids just backed out last weekend; my wedding is less than 6 months away!
    Honestly, I just asked another close friend. Trying to be tactful I didn't explain exactly what happened with my former BM, just asked her to do my a huge favour and stand with me on my wedding day. I am also offering to cover some of the cost of her dress (not sure if that is in your budget but my mom offered as a nice gesture). I think she is happy to be included and doesn't mind that it wasn't decided from the beginning. There wasn't room for everyone I would have loved to have, so we had to make tough decisions.

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  • T
    Curious September 2020 Quebec
    Tanya ·
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    Hey Allison!

    thanks so much for your feedback! I’m happy to hear you guys did the best woman! I’m quite interested in that. I have a guy bestfriend who isn’t very close to my FH. So it could work perfect. Is your best woman dressing like the bridesmaids? Would she sit with the groomsmen or bridesmaids?

    I’m sorry to hear you also lost a bestfriend.

    And about my sister, I’ll definitely have a conversation with her.

    thanks ♥️
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  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·
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    Friendship break ups are honestly worse than relationship ones I find! When I was in high school one of my ride-or-die friends straight up starting ghosting me one day - even though we were best friends the day before. It hurts to this day even since I'll never know what happened.

    As for asking someone else to join your side, I would have that conversation in person and explain the situation. You can definitely have a bridesman if you want, my FH is having a best woman. Amanda made a good point in that they might feel like an afterthought, and a little hurt they weren't asked at first so be prepared for a no. You can also have an uneven wedding party - we are!

    I'd also talk to your sister - I wouldn't remove her but let her know her negative energy isn't vibing with you.

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  • T
    Curious September 2020 Quebec
    Tanya ·
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    Hey Miranda!

    Makes sense yes! Thanks girl!
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  • T
    Curious September 2020 Quebec
    Tanya ·
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    I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you too! And 25 years, wow!

    People act in mysterious ways....

    Wishing you the best,
    T
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  • Miranda
    Beginner May 2020 Ontario
    Miranda ·
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    I’d say to only ask people who would be thrilled, I’ve seen people become bridesmaids who felt obligated to go (especially with such things like elaborate proposals) and that’s not ideal.
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  • Amanda
    Super June 2019 Ontario
    Amanda ·
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    I've been in the same situation with a best friend.. not anywhere near my wedding.. but she completely flaked out on me and to this day I will never know why the relationship ended. 25 years and it was just gone one day, and I completely agree with you... felt like a break up - probably worse. I was crushed. But also like you, after some time passed I realized I was relieved in a way. It gets to a point where if people aren't bettering your life then why have them in it? It's just such sad timing for you. You have enough on your plate to have the heartache and stress of that as well.

    Move forward, and you are totally right.. everything happens for a reason!

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  • T
    Curious September 2020 Quebec
    Tanya ·
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    Hey Kelsie,

    Thank you for sharing your opinion! I will definitely put more thought into this situation and decide whether or not I’ll ask someone. Or keep the uneven number as is.

    Thanks for the help,
    T
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  • T
    Curious September 2020 Quebec
    Tanya ·
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    Hey Amanda!

    Thanks for the help! You’re right I guess. The thing is, I wanted more BMs in the first place but I was already at 6 and kept thinking how many people would be sitting at the head table so decided 6 was the cutoff.

    But I do agree that for the person coming on, it will be hurtful regardless how I ask because at the end of the day, they’ll know that even though I want them there, had thought of them before, well reality is, I picked 6 others before that person... so yeah, I’ll put some thought into that.

    as per the friendship, she has always been very jealous to the point she would ask me not to talk about my wedding with her or about my job, new friends etc. I always knew it wasn’t the best relationship, but because she’s been there for me anyways for the past 10 years, I never really let that affect me, so we stayed besties. Now that it’s over, I realized how she really just doesn’t care about others that much and will always just put herself first no matter what. Trust me, it honestly feels like a breakup.

    I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, so I’ll just move on and stay positive!
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  • Amanda
    Super June 2019 Ontario
    Amanda ·
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    This is mind blowing to me!! You have no idea why she ended the friendship? That is so crazy, I am so sorry you're going through that.. I would be heart broken.

    As far as the bridesmaid situation, if I'm being honest.. I really don't think you should have to match the groomsmen.. I said this to someone else; it is quality or quantity.. don't just pick someone to fill a spot. If you really want that person to stand with you then by all means.. but I don't think your wedding has to be even/uniform.. and don't be surprised if whoever you ask says no. I know it has been suggested to remove the pictures prior to asking the new girl, but just because you remove them doesn't mean she hasn't already seen them and if it were me I would be hurt and feel like an afterthought especially knowing that it's not like you had a change of heart, you had someone back out so now you're trying to find someone else. I personally would probably politely decline. It wouldn't affect our relationship in any way at all, but being a bridesmaid is timely and costly so if I felt I was only being asked to make up for someone who backed out... nope. I wouldn't do it.

    Just be prepared for that conversation or make sure of how you ask her.

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  • Kelsie
    Master July 2021 Ontario
    Kelsie ·
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    I agree with Tori! You can always redo the photoshoot!

    I think if you have another person in mind, and you have a genuine conversation with them they will be understanding.

    I feel so terrible - that is an awful thing to happen without basically any notice ! You’ll have a great bridal party regardless!
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  • T
    Curious September 2020 Quebec
    Tanya ·
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    Hey Tori!

    Thanks so much for your advice 🙌 I will definitely remove the photos and re-do the shoot. I’m currently living in Barbados, but am moving back to Canada in August. I’ll try to organize the shoot the same weekend I go dress shopping with them.

    For the new BM, I will wait till I can talk to her in person. I think the message will come through better.

    As per my sister, that’s also what I thought. I feel like having her is important, and I can get over the fact that she won’t be present to the parties, activities etc. At the end of the day, that’s just how she is so I’ll try to have a chat with her.

    Thanks so much ♥️
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  • Tori
    Top October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori ·
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    Man I'm so sorry to hear that about your friend just dropping the friendship like that. Unfortunately I have been in the same exact situation but at least mine was before I even met my FH.

    I mean, if there is somebody you have in mind to fill the spot - even if it is another girl - I would just have a genuine conversation. Tell her what happened and that you would have asked her had your FH had 7 on his side but you had to pick only 6 and I'm sure she would understand why you had originally chosen your friend of 10 years over her.

    I would also have a whole new photo shoot with the girls and remove the other pictures from the internet if you can. No need in keeping that up - especially if you have a new BM step up.

    As for your sister - that's up to you. My sister is my MOH and as much as I grew up with the mentality of blood is thicker and family is forever, that isn't the case for my FH so I get how some people aren't the same. At this point I wouldn't remove her but have a talk with her and being more supportive and less negative.

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