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Jessie
Newbie July 2019 Alberta

Asking/demoting a MOH

Jessie, on March 10, 2019 at 15:18 Posted in Plan a wedding 0 13
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I know the title is harsh, but hear me out.

I’ve decided to ask my MOH to step down as my MOH. She’s been demanding, dramatic and what really has driven me to make this choice is that she’s going to a concert instead of coming to my bachelorette party. She keeps telling me how “stressful” this all is for her, when she’s barely done anything to help out (I know it’s not mandatory she helps, but she’s barley been asked to do anything). She’s made choices about the bridal
shower that she knew I didn’t like and was upset when I voiced that I didn’t like them. She wanted the more expensive bridesmaids dress, and almost refused to try anything else on when it came to the dresses. And when I said I wanted my mom involved in planning the bridal shower, she didn’t talk to her until I brought it up over and over.

Before you tell me I shouldn’t ask her to, my fiancé has even said I should because I’ve been stressed out about it.

So, now that you know why I want to. I need help with the how. She’s nearly impossible to see in person, even though we live a floor above her. She cancels plans on me, and sometimes has her SO text me and do it for her.

I know this is the sort of thing I should do in person, but I’m afraid she’ll flake on me if I ask to hang out in person. So how should I go about this?

Thanks guys 💜

13 Comments

Latest activity by Jessie, on March 11, 2019 at 23:26
  • Jessie
    Newbie July 2019 Alberta
    Jessie ·
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    Can I just say how grateful I am with how supportive you all are? I've been reading articles (bad I know) and I've felt so horrible and judged for it. I am going to be sitting down and having a talk with her, with my fiance there, because I think we need a mediator just in case. I talked my future mother-in-law too, and she made me feel better as well, and even offered to make the almost 3 hour trip to Calgary to come and be there for the conversation if I needed her to be there.

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  • Elizabeth
    Frequent user September 2020 Ontario
    Elizabeth ·
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    I definitely support your decision to ask her to step down. It doesn't sound like she has your's and your fiance's interests at heart. With the cost of her dress and the bridal shower it seem like she is trying to get as much out of you for herself as possible.

    Did she expect you to pay the difference for over double the established price of the dress? Or was she willing to pay for it herself? It doesn't really make a difference, she still blew way past the limits, I'm just curious.
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  • Cherry
    Devoted October 2019 Quebec
    Cherry ·
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    I guess the best thing is to invite her to meet in person and explain. If I were you I would not just demote her but totally remove her from being your bridesmaid. Just tell her that since she's very busy and you need help with your planning, you think it's better for her to just being a guess at your wedding. And also you had asked your other girl friend to step in. That's it. If she won't even have time to meet you, just send a note.

    Planning a wedding is stressful enough. If she's your friend, she is supposed to help and support you and not add to your stress. If she doesn't want to be your friend again after you told her that, then it's her choice. It's not your lost, now that you know who she really is.


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  • Jessie
    Newbie July 2019 Alberta
    Jessie ·
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    I’m worried about the dress too. But like, she picked the more expensive one and my FH had already made it very clear to her that we weren’t going to help pay for any of it.

    The ladies were given a budget of 150$, something we all decided on. And if the dress was closer to 200$, I’d pay the different. But she went with a 350$ dollar dress. Money’s already suuuuuper tight for us (I’m a student and he’s trying to pay off his loans)

    i think if we hadn’t already put so much money into the wedding, we’d have eloped by now 😂😂
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  • Becky
    VIP September 2019 Ontario
    Becky ·
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    If she lives above you and you try to pop in unexpected- Hoping she is home. I would talk to her in person and do that. If you don't think she will be home, or isn't when you go to talk to her, I would have a handwritten note and slide under her door. Telling her how you feel and wanting to talk to her more in person as well.

    I have actually cut someone from the wedding. I did it in text as she was always drinking too much when saw her in person. She then called me and we talked more.

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  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·
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    I "forth" the coffee talk lol! If she flakes, try calling her and if no answer, text her why you wanted to meet for coffee and demote her then.

    In all seriousness, your MOH shouldn't be causing more anxiety for you surrounding the wedding, if anything, she should be reducing it!

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  • Tori
    Top October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori ·
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    And I third the coffee talk! Although I say to try giving her a call on the phone before texting, but if she doesn't pick up then send a text and not a voicemail.

    I'm completely with you on demoting her, the only thing I worry about is the BM dress... I would personally offer to pay a little portion of it for her seeing as how she would be out that money and can't wear it to the wedding.

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  • Peggy
    Super May 2019 Alberta
    Peggy ·
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    We went through this with my FH's Best-Ma'am. Sometimes you have to do it because it's best for you, but it is very tough. And it does have consequences, and cause hurt feelings (regardless if it's justified or not).

    We gave her every opportunity, we offered flexible options for picking a dress, asked for her help on only a few things...and nothing. She never helped, and worst, never communicated - in the 17 months between when we got engaged, and when we asked her to step down, she responded to us precisely twice, and one of those times was when she needed a shoulder to cry on (which is fine, but when that's the only time you talk to us, it's tough...). We were very clear about what we needed her to do, but she just wouldn't step up. In the end, my FH asked her to step down. She hasn't spoken to him since.

    Others have said it already - Sit down and talk with her, face to face. Give her a clear outline of what your expectations are of her as your MoH. If she still doesn't step up, then ask her to step down. But be prepared - she may want to just leave the wedding party as a whole, and it may sour your friendship.

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  • Jessie
    Newbie July 2019 Alberta
    Jessie ·
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    Anxiety is great, isn’t it?! I think that’s why I haven’t said anything to her yet because my anxiety is sooooo bad. I do still want her in the wedding party, but I have a BM who’s been more of my MOH than she has.
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  • Hélène
    Devoted September 2019 Alberta
    Hélène ·
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    I second the coffee and then, if she bails, a letter or text explaining why the text and why the demotion.
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  • Vinod
    Top August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    I do stand with you to have her step down from her position and if out of the wedding party too if she can't handle anything of your wedding.

    Write her a note to let her know what you have decided to do and for the reasons. She should understand if she has ways to get in touch with her and has cancelled on you many times. I wouldn't try texting her or meeting up onwards. She doesn't feel responsible enough for herself as for others and facing her faults. Don't look back after because regrets will follow you and anger from her. Avoid confronting her and having an argument in public or at home.

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  • Erin
    Super May 2022 Ontario
    Erin ·
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    If she has her SO text you to cancel plans, type in a msg on your FH's phone and have him send her a msg. In seriousness though it's very understandable why you should ask her to step down. Try scheduling a face to face outing but if that doesn't work, try writting a letter and slipping it in her mailbox/ under her door.
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  • Paige
    Frequent user June 2019 Manitoba
    Paige ·
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    As someone with pretty extreme anxiety, I would absolutely ask her to step down. The stress of doing that is better than not doing it. I had to ask someone to no longer be a bridesmaid and it has caused a slight riff in the friendship but I knew that could happen and chose that over the stress of keeping her in the party. It honestly made me feel waaaay better once it was done. Are you wanting her in the wedding party still?

    I’d say set up a coffee or something and if she bails then I feel like that gives you even more reason. At that point I would text and say something like you tried to do this in person but since that didn’t work, texting was the only option. Be sure to include why you’re asking her to step down but try not to be too harsh. I’d also definitely work the angle of easing her stress since she’s making it sound like she doesn’t really want the responsibilities anyway.
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