Prenup

Hi Cynthia,

In the grand scheme of things, a prenup isn't really a big deal - as many have pointed out, it actually protects and benefits both parties, or at least it should, and if it doesn't? Don't sign it until it is mutually beneficial.

Here is where my concern lies -
1. Something like a prenup is normally brought up, at least in passing, when talking about potentially getting married and starting that chapter together. It's not something that normally pops up 2 months before the wedding.

2. In another post you commented that your FH finally decided he was "ready" for you to resume planning the wedding, which is supposed to be happening in September, even though you don't even have a venue

3. You and your FH are supposed to be splitting the costs, but not only is he not wanting to be involved in the planning, but he also has point-blank told you to stop talking about it because he finds it annoying.

I don't mean to sound harsh or be hurtful, but I think you and your FH need to sit down and have a "come to Jesus" talk about where you are in your relationship, what the ring on your finger means, and everything in between, because right now? It seems that you and he are on completely different planets when it comes to the relationship.

You both need to have an open, honest, judgement-free (which is hard) adult conversation and find out if marriage is the right step for you both at this time.

I just don't want to see you in a situation that you feel stuck in or can't get out of.

Don't think of it as protecting things from you, it also protects his assets from the government. If you die(I know horrible thought) and have a lot of debt the government can't go after his assets to pay off your debt.
It will also protect you and your assets.
A prenup does way more than just than just protecting a party in a divorce.

I think the wording and way he does his business would matter.

If you have a business you can keep your wealth in there (the business makes money, and you take a minimal salary). Basically hiding or keeping it from a spouse. Plus as a business owner you often put in a lot of extra hours, basically OT, that takes away from the relationship - or you're at home picking up the slack he's dropping in favor of developing the business.

I'm with you. I don't like it it feels wrong!

if it was a large business there would be considerations. But its small. seems weird.

Talk to fiancé and talk to a lawyer. Don't do it if it feels wrong.

I think it’s something super common when people have established and successful businesses. They are just planning ahead for if something goes wrong that they don’t necessarily expect to go wrong. At the same time I totally understand not wanting one

When you say "I find he doesn’t trust me or trust the relationship" do you mean that you feel this way in general, or that you feel this way because he has suggested a pre-nup?

If you feel this way in general then that's obviously a very bad sign and you two need to do some work to determine whether getting married is actually a good idea.

But if it's just about the pre-nup I think you need to explain how you feel to your partner and you need to have a very honest conversation about why he wants one and why you don't. Counselling may also help you work through these issues if you're finding it's hard to do on your own. How you two will handle money is important to discuss before marriage and a pre-nup is likely just the tip of the iceberg. You want to make sure you're entering your marriage knowing how you will handle these sorts of issues.

Good luck!

You'll need to talk to him to see why he feels one is necessary. But to address your concern about him prioritizing his business over family affairs, what makes you think a marriage contract or lack of one will change that if that's his attitude?

Samantha pointed out some really great things that come with a prenup. I would like to add the importance that, the prenup is not just for him, it is for you too. Like she mentioned, that business may have been there before you were around and he feels the need to protect it and rightfully so. But I would like to add that it will also protect your own assets. An example would be you buy a brand new car with your money and you pay the monthly payments but he helped sign on for the finance arrangement, now if there was no prenup and he felt the need to be greedy, he can try to go after the car even though you initially put money down on it and have been paying the monthly payments. This would work the same way like buying a house.

I wouldn't like the fact that I inherited a lot of money to be able to buy a house and then in the future my husband decides he wants a divorce and tries going after the house, even though I paid for it.

It really sucks to plan for the worse case scenario - but I think it's really smart to do this. It protects everyone, not just one sided.

This can be a really touchy subject, but in my opinion prenups are not so much about not having trust in a relationship but more about wanting to preserve something that your future spouse did on their own before their life with you so his business will feel like something separate from your relationship. To want to protect that is understandable, I think. It's also understandable to feel a bit jilted and hurt by your FH which is why a discussion about why he feels like he needs one should take place, and during the same discussion you should also be able to talk about how the request makes you feel. If you can't do this on your own, or feel that your FH won't take the talk seriously then maybe seeking a counsellor to help mediate this discussion might be a good idea.

Everyone wants to believe that their relationship/marriage will last forever and only be in the romance side of things, but it's just not the case for everyone. Prenups can also help to make things go quicker and smoother if in the event of a death (not a happy thought, but it will happen eventually) and will be less taxing emotionally. A prenup should also be written up together as a couple so that you both have a chance to air your concerns and have a say and peace of mind about what will happen if in the event of a divorce or death so that there are no surprises down the line and you know exactly what you'll be getting.

Since I was 17 years old **