Post-wedding frustration...>:(

Natalie,
If you feel all the pressure was on you and they had to have the last word, my famiky dis the sane to me even though they didn't give a penny. There was one occasion i wanted to do and they were telling me not to due it being from the bride side in the case if a gay wedding, there is no bride. My dad was against us kissing, so i shrugged it off and did it anyway.
There were times i blew up at my parents because of going old school on me about traditions. Eventually, we all agreed after a huge arguement to just let me handle things i was doing as planned. They loved it from beginning to the end telling the whole family i put everything together.
For those couples facing the same issues, don't let your family members be a know it all and have thier say if they aren't paying for any part of your wedding.
Wish you all the best

I think we may be related

I know how you feel. My parents have been critical of me my entire life. Even when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and multiple sclerosis (at separate times) their response was well you didn't get it from us vs. physically being with me, visiting me at the hospital or in treatments or being supportive.

So when I their first and only daughter decided to marry I knew it would not be be all roses and butterflies.

They were upset at the venue, the location, the meal choices, the language (as my fiancé family do not speak English so we will be having a translator at the ceremony).

My wedding has not happened but I anticipate the same response. They too have not provided us a dime.

I would not have given her $200.

My parents are not supportive but never have been so sadly I expected it. For every negative comment (and there has been too many, way too many) I keep repeating the same phrase. This is OUR wedding, and this is OUR day and this is how WE envision our day. Unfortunately there will be people who are not supportive but seeing as none of them are paying for the wedding, they forget whose day it is.

Please do not feel alone, you are not the only one going through this. You are not being unreasonable. This is your day and sadly even as adults we sometimes agree to disagree with our families to avoid conflict.

My quiet partner is now at the point where he states if you do not like it you do not have to attend.

Good luck do not let it ruin your day. I have come to realize I need to spend less time speaking to my family to keep me positive and sane. As more times than not each conversation involves negativity.

Focus on your husband and new family and try not to let it get to you.

I am so sorry to hear that your mother reacted this way. Families can be difficult, I think that we all have these issues. However in this situation I believe your mother is being a little bit unfair. If she had certain expectations she should have mentioned them and have provided the monetary funds. I am currently going through the same ringer where my family believes that banquet halls/ the basement of our church is the best location for a wedding.

All that matters is that it is a celebration of your love. Your day represented you and your husband and you enjoyed yourselves. I hope that all of your guests got to see a glimpse of your lives and how wonderful it will be in the future! Don't let this create bad mojo on your first days as a married couple. I'm certain your wedding was a beautiful celebration of your husband and yourself which is all that matters in the end, and you can bet your guests felt the same way.

I am so sorry your Mom would treat it such a disgraceful way. I am not from a family that expects certain things from a wedding, however, it is your day and ultimately your choice what you serve your guests. If you chose your menu because of financial reasons, and you voiced you concern prior to the wedding, and your mom did not offer any help, it is in no way her choice what food is served.
I would agree with you that it is a guest choice on how much they feel they should spend on you. You do not need to pay them for not meeting the same monetary value with the food.
So sorry again, and try not to let it bother you anymore!

Oh jeeze, I hope things have cleared up since then. But the other people are right! Her toxic comments were uncalled for, that was your special day and that got ruined by her saying those awful things! Hope that 200$ shut her up.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience Natalie. It was your day and it was what you wanted so she should of been happy with what you wanted. Don't doubt your decisions for one second. I'm a doubter and I'm learning how to not doubt myself anymore and that's hard. Growing up I've had a rocky relationship with my mother to the point I'm dealing with it in therapy about gaining back control of my life and learning how to deal with the guilt trips. And guilt trips are still coming my way. The short of it is to just say no you won't take this type of behaviour and stand up for yourself which is easier said than done. Setting boundaries is what they call it. I believe my mom wanted to ask the caterer if she could have ham instead of roast beef as she doesn't like it. So far she's been helpful. But I'm also worried as we still haven't chosen which place to have the wedding at my parents place or at my FH place. Your not alone in this crazy!! I hope your able to pick yourself up and know you made the best decision for you and your husband. Like some wise women told me the only people that really matter on your wedding day are you and your husband. You can't make everyone happy!! Chin up!!

I'm so sorry to hear that and I completely understand. I've had a lot of issues with my mother and step father in the past, not even wedding related, and now with wedding planning it's gotten worse. My mom has put restrictions on how long she will be going dress shopping with me, and how many dresses I'm allowed to try on in said time line. This is just the tip of the iceberg so far, so I totally understand. What helps me get through is knowing I can't change her, all I can change is how I react to her, and personally I find it exhausting always being disappointed and hurt by my mom. So all I can say is girl, congratulations! You just got married! Enjoy every second of it and focus on your amazing new life together, don't let your mom ruin this time for you, you did what you could, you had the wedding you wanted, so just know you did all that you could and live in that wedding/honeymoon bliss!

Sometimes we never find out what motivates people to behave in a certain way. Focus on the positive things. Make your marriage brilliant and a source of endless comfort and understanding. You will never please your mother, and you know it. So stop trying so hard and please yourself and your new husband.

Thanks for the kind words It really resonated with me and it's kinda comforting to know that there are other crazy mothers out there that are so preoccupied with their egos and so-called honor

Her words still feel raw but I know that a lot of people are happy for me. I had gone to a family bbq yesterday and my aunts and uncles (who according to my mother were supposedly "upset" over the food) all gave me big hugs and complimented us on the nice aspects of the wedding rather than dwelling on the negatives.

Oh that's so nice you have such a good relationship with your dad!! He can provide some stability in chaotic times. That's really helpful.

For a lot of parents, weddings aren't about you but are about showing off to family. And it seems like your mom wasn't even willing to contribute, so being so negative is really unfair. Its frustrating and shitty that your family can't be happy for you, but probably with time, this will be less of an issue. My mom has a huge ego and honestly loses it every time that she feels embarrassed or that her honor is at stake in some way. I bet she'd have responded in much the same way. At the core though, you didn't do anything wrong, you shouldn't be weighed down by people's expectations and it really sounds like these issues are hers and not yours. Keep your head up and be super excited about your wedding regardless! You did it!

Lol! Demanding is a bit of an understatent I had often considered not talking to or seeing my mom ever again....unfortunately, it's rather unrealistic because my father is the complete opposite of her and still has to put up with her nonsense on a daily basis. Cutting her off would mean cutting him off too which i'm not willing to do. He often tries talking sense into her and making her see how hurtful or unfair she's being towards people (i'm not the only victim!), but she's so stubborn and dreadfully dead-set in her narrow-minded opinions, that my dad often just gives up. In the end, my dad lent me a sympathetic ear and ended up apologizing to me for my mom's poor behavior. He told me to just focus on being happy and not let my mom ruin it for me. Bless his little heart!

I hear Asian cultured mothers can be quite demanding lol! It's tough she put you in that situation and made you to feel bad about it. Specially when this is such a celebratory time for you!! Very selfish of her. I'm bad at mother advice cuz I personally don't talk to my mom any more and I know lots of ppl don't see that as an option. My mother was just personally not worth the headache.

I'm sorry to hear this Natalie. Your mother is not right at all for this. The fact that both you and your husband paid for brunch is generous enough. Since she did not contribute, then she should pay out of her pocket to take the extended family out to a nice restaurant not you. Mothers are suppose to be supportive and she should consider that as far as the food being a hit or miss, this would be beyond your control. I agree with others on here.

Yeah, i'll probably block her out for a while. Ugh. I actually have a family bbq tomorrow with my parents and all the entitled peeps who (supposedly) complained about the food. I'm feeling quite resentful and not really in the mood to see anyone anymore, when normally I would have been excited. My aunt who's hosting the bbq (and who was my officiant) is actually very supportive of me and loved every part of my wedding so I know she would be sad if I bowed out of the party. I'll probably go for her and keep my interactions with others to a minimum or leave early.

You'd think, right? I'd like to think that hubby and I are grateful people and we catered to our guests to the best of our ability and means. There was definitely more than enough food to go around but apparently the quality was inconsistent. My mom made it sound I let people go hungry!😡 I figure even if we chose to go with something "fancier" than brunch, naysayers like my mom would find something else to complain about! She's impossible to please and finds fault in everything! Not once has she ever said to me "i'm happy for you".

This is all about her. If she wanted a fancy meal for her family, then she should've contributed to it. I'm sure it's not at all as bad as she's making it out to be.
I would honestly just freeze her out for awhile and focus on your new life with your husband. I'm glad you were at least able to enjoy the day!

What everyone said! Jeez I am so sorry to hear this... hoping that your mom will now back off a bit and that you can get back to that blissful feeling of being newlyweds!

So sorry your mom forgot she is supposed to be supportive and happy for you. It always shocks me how some people feel entitled to make negative commentary on things that are non of their business. I know she is your mom but if she isn't helping pay for it and contributing beforehand she shouldn't be critiquing after the fact. As long as you and hubby had a great day and are married that is all that matters. People should be attending your wedding to celebrate you and your hubby not critiquing your food!

Thanks Ashley for your kind words.

No, no one is from out of town. Honestly I think this has more to do with her than my family. She's always been self-centered and oblivious of anyone's feelings other than her own...:/

I know I don't really owe anyone anything, but after taking a few deep breaths, I probably would have invited my family out on a different occasion as a nice gesture. It's rather the circumstances that led to it that make me feel angry. I feel incredibly resentful for being made to feel like I was being cheap, when, as we all know, a wedding is nothing but cheap!

These forums are such a nice place to get input and support

First off, I am so sorry that your mother is making you feel as though your wedding was not good enough. I wish your mom could see how hurtful these comments are. A brunch wedding sounds amazing and I'm sure it was. I feel as though she is now just drawing more attention to the fact that it was not traditional enough for your family. Why not just own it and move on. If she wants to treat them herself if they came from out of town or something, sure. That is her own issue and she should foot the bill. You had a perfect day within your budget. The end. You don't owe anyone anything Gah, I feel for you my dear!