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Marsha
Featured July 2022 Ontario

Personal Wedding Vows

Marsha, on June 1, 2022 at 14:02 Posted in Wedding ceremony 0 31
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Hello my fellow brides. So here is a situation am in. I am a sentimental woman and my FH is not. I am truly marrying my opposite but damn we are a great pair lol. However, right now I am a bit sad.


I asked him about 1yr ago about doing personal vows, He said No not interested, i thought i would be hopeful and ask him again in the year we are getting married so i asked him sometime this Feb still "NO" - so i was still being hopeful and i brought it up again this week because he said some sweet words about me in text to my mother and i threw in the question then but still "NO". so now i have to back off and let it be, but a feel sad about it.

i truly dont want to do generic vows, i want to put a personal touch on our ceremony something that means something to us. I am not sure how to let this one go. i have to but how?

back story: the reason why my FH is not interested on personal vows is because he is an introvert, also has anxiety when it comes to speaking or doing things with an audience, he straight up told me he is not comfortable with professing love with an audence. he does not want the pressure.

I know this about my FH, even in our day to day he is not that sentimental, emotional type so i know "why expect it on my wedding day right, lol" i guess just hope he will try something out of his box,

so my question to you all is - should a) i ask him what is a compromise to him when it comes to vows or b) just drop it and work with what we got from our officiant?


A compromise to me can look like adding some personal words for the officiant can say ie: and marsha, darren vows to..... and darren, marsha vows to ....


if any other compromise ideas please send them out - I am open to suggestions, hope my FH is open as well

31 Comments

Latest activity by Rebecca, on June 7, 2022 at 11:12
  • Rebecca
    Devoted October 2023 Newfoundland and Labrador
    Rebecca ·
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    My FH is the exact same way he prefers to keep his sentiments and our PDA minimal, we were at work once and someone from my team who didn't know him asked how i knew so many people from the plant and i was like oh well the guy i was talking to is my fiancé and they were shocked like there was no hint of romanticism between us at all and it works for us.

    we have decided to not do personalized vows just because its what makes him more comfortable and i know its not because he doesn't feel the same way i do its because he doesn't like being vulnerable in front of so many people, public speaking no problem he facilitates safety meetings at work every month but its the possibility of being so incredibly vulnerable infront of so many people.

    i wouldnt push it just because his comfort that day is probably going to be on the lower side with so many people around

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  • Johanne
    Beginner August 2022 Ontario
    Johanne ·
    • Dispute
    I have no issues talking in front of hundrends of people but My FH is the same as yours. Does not like it. So, we had a compromise; I wanted something funny and something sentimental so we are each coming up with something for both things for which the officient will be saying the lines instead of us reading them. It's a win win situation. He doesn't get to read and I get my special words!
    Congrats and good luck xx
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  • Nicole
    Newbie March 2023 British Columbia
    Nicole ·
    • Dispute

    My FH is not for personal vows either - but maybe just explain why it means so much to you and offer to help him write them. Maybe do vows that compliment each other's instead of leaving him to his own devices.

    If he still doesn't bite, just drop it. It's not the end of the world. We can't win 'em all girly!

    Best of luck xx

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  • Jamie
    Frequent user June 2022 British Columbia
    Jamie ·
    • Dispute

    I am terrified of talking in front of an audience. I really did want to say just a few sentences of personal vows to my husband-to-be. We are also doing traditionally vows as well. I have horrible anxiety about it, but need to face my fear.

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  • KELLY
    Featured October 2023 Ontario
    KELLY ·
    • Dispute

    We have decided t go with traditional vows, my FH is my complete opposite and doesn't share his feelings often, so I am not pushing it. He knows he will have to do a speech and that is enough pressure.

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  • N
    Newbie July 2022 British Columbia
    Natasha ·
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    View quoted message
    Good idea ♥️
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  • N
    Newbie July 2022 British Columbia
    Natasha ·
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    Definitely just drop it. You already know how your FH is and why he feels that way; would it really be worth it to force his hand when it will make him that uncomfortable? You can suggest the love note idea or think about how he naturally shows his love for you and ask him to do something special that’s natural for him.
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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
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    View quoted message

    Yeappers i love the love letter or note idea - i brought this to his attention - he is thinking about it

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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
    • Dispute

    Well, I don't believe this has to do with love, at the end of the day we just both have to do what is comfortable for both. exactly some sort of compromise. I decided to write my own personal vows to him. It will be delivered more as sentiment words Smiley smile

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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
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    View quoted message

    This appears to be the most popular way that people here are suggesting. I am a very interesting lady, as much as am a unique person and love to be outside of the box and i am not doing many traditions at our wedding, ie: no flower girl, no ring boy, no father daughter dance, no bouquet or garter throw,... but the one thing i do look forward to is walking down that aisle and that being the first time my FH sees me. i do think first look will actually be more sensible for us to do because we do have only 1hr and a bit after the ceremony to take photos, but i dunno i just don't want him to see me before "I DO" - weird eh?

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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
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    View quoted message

    A love letter is so nice too

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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
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    View quoted message

    Thank you for your reply

    • Reply
  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
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    Yea we have talked about doing personal love letters or notes for each of us to read in the morning of the wedding. Thank you for your thoughts. Much appreciated
    • Reply
  • Kendra
    Newbie June 2023 Ontario
    Kendra ·
    • Dispute
    The way I see it is that the vows and wedding are really only about you and your fiancé.
    If he isn’t comfortable speaking in front of others that’s understandable. However, it’s also understandable that you want to personalize it.
    Maybe write letters to each other for the morning of or something instead. Something that gives you the satisfaction of hearing (or reading) him express his love and he doesn’t have to uncomfortably speak in front of others.
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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
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    I like that idea, we have opt out of the first look, but this is a good idea as well

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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
    • Dispute

    Yes we are going to figure something out that works for us both

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  • Kelsey
    Frequent user August 2022 Alberta
    Kelsey ·
    • Dispute
    I think a nice idea could be doing some kind of a first look moment where you could share those thoughts and feelings just to one another. You could even do it back to back without actually seeing one another if you don't want to see one another. Then you can have the intimate moment you're looking for, and he can share that just with you without the eyes and ears of all of your guests.
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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
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    View quoted message
    Well it's great to know I am not alone in this situation
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Frequent user June 2023 Ontario
    Katie ·
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    My future husband will be the same! We aren’t doing personal vows but I think maybe a letter or something for him just to read would be a nice touch that I think I’ll do Smiley smile
    • Reply
  • Darbi
    Curious August 2022 Alberta
    Darbi Online ·
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    I think that's a great idea! That way you get to express yourself the way you want to without putting the pressure on him to do the same. Not weird at all!

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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
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    Thank you for sharing. I am plannjng to write him a letter to read in the morning of our wedding when he opens up his small little token of love that I got for him to wear. I never thought of being alone with him and saying vows to each other. Hmmm.
    What do you think about me adding personal vows after my traditional ones and he just does the traditional will that be weird?
    • Reply
  • Kelsey
    Frequent user June 2022 Ontario
    Kelsey ·
    • Dispute

    What about doing them during a first look (if you're doing one)? You can basically say them privately to each other without anyone else around which is sure to lessen FH's anxiety and make him more comfortable than saying it in front of all those people, but still saying those words to you.

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  • Darbi
    Curious August 2022 Alberta
    Darbi Online ·
    • Dispute

    I am in the same boat! I really wanted to make it personal but the idea of him wearing his heart on his sleeve in front of all of our guests makes him really uncomfortable. We have opted to do traditional vows for the ceremony and then read personal vows to just each other afterwards.

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  • Hank
    Featured September 2021 Ontario
    Hank ·
    • Dispute

    What if he writes something but has the officiant say the words and ask him to repeat them after him? That way, they are personal vows but it comes off as repeating a set of generic vows after the officiant. He can make them as cheesy or not, as romantic or not, or as sentimental or not as he wants. Even if they sound like generic vows, they're at least HIS generic vows instead of a copy and paste script.

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  • Rayanne
    Featured June 2022 Ontario
    Rayanne ·
    • Dispute
    How about if you were to write each other a note (letter) for each of you to read (in private, in the morning on your wedding day) while you get ready for everything? I'm lucky in the aspect that neither one of us want to do personal vows 🤣. Our officiant had 3 different types of ceremonies for us to choose from and we were able to pick from about 25 pages of readings. We could pick between 1-3 passages. You may be able to find a special ceremony that works for you even if it is a bit traditional.
    • Reply
  • Danielle
    Featured April 2022 Ontario
    Danielle Online ·
    • Dispute
    Would you consider doing private vows? I feel like this concept is gaining popularity now - Essentially you would say fairly standard vows in front of everyone and then share your more personal vows in a private moment (can choose to do this with or without photographer present). This was originally our plan but when we read our speeches to each other for the first time, just the two of us, it actually created that moment we were looking for so we opted to go with lovely but fairly templated vows at the ceremony and will cherish the moment we had with the speeches always.
    • Reply
  • Brittany
    Frequent user August 2023 Alberta
    Brittany ·
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    No problem!

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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
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    Thanks Malyssa, yes i understand your POV. much appreciated. your right not everyone can act that way. I do plan to work with the officiant if FH is open to the idea. The officiant sent over how the ceremony will go and he is like "yeap this is great we dont need to change or add anything"

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  • Marsha
    Featured July 2022 Ontario
    Marsha ·
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    Thank you Brittany for your feed back, This has been a thought as well that he does traditional and i say whats from my heart. i defintley want my FH to be 100% comfortable. so this is another suggesstion i can think about

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  • Malyssa
    Featured October 2022 Alberta
    Malyssa ·
    • Dispute

    I completely agree with Brittany here. Why not both? I dont feel like there needs to be a compromise here. Or if hes not comfortable with you having a more personal vows, I would defineitly work with your officiant who can maybe help you get the best of both worlds.

    Personally, I am the same way, very introverted and HATE public speaking (hello sweats and stutters) but I would prefer to have a personal vows than a generic one, so its something I am just going to get over, but I understand not everyone can act that way.

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  • Brittany
    Frequent user August 2023 Alberta
    Brittany ·
    • Dispute

    This is what's so great about our current times; nothing has to be traditional. I am in the same boat as my fiancé but roles are reversed. He wants to do personal vows and I would love to keep it traditional and easy. I have always had a hard time publicly speaking whereas my FH does not.

    I personally think it would be cool for your FH to speak the traditional vows and you say your own (I am currently trying to push that idea on my FH). I really don't think pushing one to do what the other wants is a great idea, so there's gotta be a compromise somewhere.

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