moh Role

I would tell her and say I enjoy planning and doing all these things. I love that you want to be involved and let her know how much you appreciate it, but you are the bride and this is your moment to do things the way you would like.

View quoted message That really sucks that she is so upset about it and doesn't understand you want things differently than she expected! Everyone has a different vision for their planning process and that's okay.
We did our shopping online so she wasn't a part of choosing my dress. For the BM dresses I sent her the ideas I found before I sent them to the other girls. She seemed pretty okay with it. Sometimes she would give me heck for not telling her more but for the most part it was all in good humor, she didn't want to take control of any parts of the process, more just help where she was needed.

View quoted message I wish my MOH was as accepting of a non traditional role. I gave her a few weeks of space to then talk about it in person and explain the reason for my decisions and what my expectations are. She’s still so angry that she couldn’t be part of my first two wedding dress appointments and that I’m not interested in looking at her dress right now. I said I will most likely need her closer to the day and planning the bachelorette party, but I’m good (I want to) do the rest and appreciate that she wants to be more involved. I said the most important part is having her there by my side for the actual day. She looks at that as a demotion though. We made a mutual decision for her to no longer be in that role. It’s making me question her as a friend now too. Did your MOH feel left out because you’re doing all the planning? Did she come to all of your dress appointments?

I just came here to say that I can feel the frustration and stress in your post and I wanted to show you some support. I have some difficult relationships in my life and I get how that can feel like it sort of sucks the joy out of something that is supposed to be really fun! I find writing a SUPER honest letter without holding anything back and then ripping it to shreds helps me to get all of the emotions out (just spew, girl) Then, with a clearer head, I'm able to figure out what I will actually say to the other person. You've got this!

Hi Girl,

I would sit down with her and explain just that. Tell her what you want & don't want. She will have to accept it as its your time to enjoy these moments and you should do them your way.

You should also THANK HER for doing all shes done and WANTING to do for you, as not a lot of MOH are as involved as her or even "want to be" but just respectfully tell her that there are certain things you'd like to do with your family - or you would like to do on your own.

I hope your talk works out girl!

I thought of doing a wedding this year and reception next year but I won’t feel it as a wedding so I decided to move everything to next year , my family can’t come into the country because the borders are close, so it’s pointless

Honestly I would just sit down and tell exactly what you wrote above! It’s your wedding and she’ll either accept or she won’t which sucks! But you need to do things the way you want or you’ll regret it

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That was a good idea to send out a mass text to everyone upfront. I somewhat mentioned at the beginning that I don't need much help with planning, but I certainly could have made that more clear. Lesson learned!

When I chose my bridal party, I sent out a mass text to them with my expectations including what I expected from my MOH. The roles are a reversed in my situation, I’m the planner and she’s the laid back one. But I definitely told her I am particular about what I want and when I need her help I’ll text her. I find being straight forward is something you sometimes just have to do. At the end of the day it’s your wedding, her day will come and she can be the big planner she wants to be then!!

View quoted message I agree, setting expectations for what specific tasks she will be responsible for doing/helping with may help
I have 4 girls in my “side” of the wedding party & while I’ll want to bounce ideas off of them in the future / have their help when it comes to bridesmaid dresses / give them specific tasks closer to, I’m happier to worry about my plans with my fiancé at our own pace. I don’t expect them to help with the planning in general.
Sorry you’re going through this & good luck with the planning!!

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Good to know I'm not the only one that doesn't feel the need to have the MOH involved with everything. I just want her to have fun and not have to worry about needing to help with booking appointments and running around for me. I'm just giving her some time to calm down and hopefully we can have a conversation later so I can explain things a bit better. My intention is certainly not to make her feel left out. Thanks for your feedback!

I agree with Hank. She's your MOH. It's not her wedding. It's your big day. I would have a conversation with her and tell her how you feel

I like Hank's idea, it sounds like the best way to go. I have a MOH and I don't have her planning anything other than coplanning the batchelotettewith my sister. I have passed ideas by her when I can't decided on something and I show her my progress as I find things I like, but for the most part I just want her and my BM to help out with setup and day of stress. I hope you two can relieve the tension!

I agree with Hank, once you have an honest conversation with your MOH about the expectations you have in mind, that should help her feel a bit better about where she stands. It could honestly just be MOH FOMO or comparing your wedding to others she’s done before. Perhaps if she knows what she can do (ex bachelorette party, shower, whatever task you want to give her) she’ll ease up.
If you find she’s still being controlling or getting upset, perhaps then is a good time to consider if this is a good fit for both of you, but that can likely be prevented with a good chat.

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Thank you Hank, that was really well worded. Seeing as she has been in this role many times, I think she has this idea in her head of what her 'job' is, when really I just need her to be supportive when I need her and have fun! I don't have a bridal party so its just me and her. I thought I was preventing drama and making her life easier by doing things on my own. At the end of the day expectations just weren't clear. Thanks for your thoughts!

I think you need to emphasize that her role as MOH is not to plan your wedding. She's welcome to suggest ideas but at the end of the day, you will go at your pace and will consider her suggestions however you wish. But most importantly, emphasize that she's suppose to enjoy the wedding, not work her butt off around the clock for it. If you say to her that this is the one wedding she can finally put professional obligations aside to have fun in for once.

If she insists on being controlling, maybe have someone in your bridal party or your family say something to your MOH to cool it if you feel it can cause tension between you two. At some point during a group interaction, someone must see she's going overboard and at that point, they can say something. If you don't like being pushed around, imagine being a bridesmaid or a mom/sister getting pushed around from this random person.