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J
Newbie October 2018 Ontario

Maid of honor feels like a total stranger and wedding is in 2 months.... this is super long

Jessica, on August 20, 2018 at 21:04 Posted in Before the wedding 0 15
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Let me preface by saying I've been reading these boards for MONTHS trying to find advice about my situation and I've seen a lot of good posts. I've read enough to know your Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids are only expected to have their dresses and show up sober. I have 1 maid of honor and 2 bridesmaids. I went into the planning process understanding that this is MY wedding therefore I'm the one who needs to get stuff done. It's not their job and I don't expect it to be. Now onto my issue....

I got engaged to my amazing FH in December of 2016. I waited until September of 2017 to ask my bridal party as here we have to order dresses about 8 months is advance and wedding is October 13, 2018 so I wanted to give them enough notice. My maid of honor is my best friend since the 7th grade so about 15 years. I did "proposals" and she accepted and could not have been more thrilled. She lives about 8 hours away from me so her helping or being extremely involved isn't really possible or at all necessary to be honest (I'm a very hands on get it done myself bride).

Months pass and a few of my friends and a bridesmaid planned a getaway to Vegas for my bachelorette which took place in April 2018. Originally Vegas was her idea but she wasn't involved in any of the planning and never responded in the group chat but I chalked that up to her having a hectic schedule. That is until weeks would pass with no response to text messages or phone calls whether they be wedding or non wedding related. And then I kind of realize this has been going on for quite some time but I always seem to make excuses for her.I know some people just suck at responding but this girl is ALWAYS on her phone.

Fast forward to 2 days before we leave for Vegas. She calls me on my way home from work to which I don't respond as I'm driving and my phone is in my purse. I get home about 30 minutes later and call her back. She has a COMPLETE meltdown on the phone, calling me a horrible friend, saying that she found out some bad news about her mom and I just let her sit there and cry (4 months later & She still hasn't told me what the bad news is). I call her back and we talk it out because this is clearly deeper than me not calling her back right away. She assures me she just overwhelmed and a little stressed but she’s good.

At this point, I bring up that if she’s feeling overwhelmed and stressed that I don’t want to stress her out anymore than she already is and if she just wants to stand up in the wedding and not be the maid of honor (explaining that some people find this position stressful) that I would be totally fine with that & understand. She turned this around into me not wanting her to stand up next to me & calling her a bad maid of honor. Not even close but ok. We talk it out, she still wants to stand up at the maid of honor. Awesome.

We fly out to Vegas and the ENTIRE trip she’s completely miserable. Just with me. No one else. Shutting me down in front of everyone, being completely rude, but saying nothing but nice things behind my back. I honestly still don’t understand.

Honestly, Vegas was my breaking point. It’s really hard to give you guys a lengthy explanation of our relationship as this is already SO long but basically Vegas made me realize the lack of interest in my life (not my wedding but my actual life), lack of response to texts and phone calls (and by lack I mean zero) have been going on for my so much longer than I actually realized. I’ve always made excuses for her but for the past 5 years at LEAST this friendship has been extremely one sided. I’ve attempted several conversations with her about this but she always plays the victim and can never take equal or any blame at that.

We haven’t really spoken since Vegas. At my bridal shower and a little here and there but barely. She still hasn’t picked up her dress and my wedding is in 56 days . It’s been at the bridal store since June. She sent me a message saying she was going to pick it up on Sep 4 but I’m not sure why she’s just putting it off since she’s in town every couple of weeks.

There’s honestly SO much more but this is already so long. This is deeper than a wedding. I don’t think I could ever ask her to step down but… Her signing my marriage license and standing next to me on one of the biggest days of my life feels like a complete lie and I honestly don’t know what to do at this point…. Please help….


15 Comments

Latest activity by Jessica, on August 21, 2018 at 14:37
  • J
    Newbie October 2018 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    Thank you Holly I really appreciate that!

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  • Holly
    Frequent user September 2018 Ontario
    Holly ·
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    I am so sorry to hear that! A best friend would pick up a phone and call once they received that news. I think it's time to let the friendship go as hard and as sad as it is. There's a quote that rings true "When people treat you like they don't care, believe them" I think she's shown her true colours. I really hope everything works our for you and your brother!

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  • J
    Newbie October 2018 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    Hi Melissa,

    Thank you so much for your input. I'm thinking the exact same thing. Do I really want her in my wedding pictures because I feel guilty about not being able to cut her off? So much time and effort has gone into this not to mention I'm marrying the man of my dreams and I know I can't allow one person to ruin it. Having support really validates everything I've been thinking.

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  • Melissa
    Frequent user September 2018 Quebec
    Melissa ·
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    You are right to say this runs much deeper, and based on your other comments, it sounds like you have such low expectations for your friendship that I wonder if you can even call her a friend? Yes, to some people, your bridal party just has to show up the day of, but I think we can agree your closest friend is not someone who does the bare minimum - they’re your best friend for a reason. She can be happy for you while also going through a difficult time - I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. If she needs to step away to deal with it, that’s understandable, but ignoring you and then being awful during your bachelorette isn’t okay.

    Even though you seem convinced she won’t show, imagine that she does and ask yourself if you really want her there? Do you want to look back on wedding photos with her in them? Do you want her giving a speech? I know several people who had people in their bridal parties and then had massive falling-outs with them shortly after the wedding.
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  • J
    Newbie October 2018 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    It really is and honestly I feel like we've had this conversation over and over. I'm beating a dead horse at this point it's just extremely hard and heart breaking for me to cut her. To make it worse... my oldest brother was recently diagnosed with cancer. I kept my mouth shut for a while but decided to tell her as she's supposed to be my best friend and he's having MAJOR surgery in a week or so. Her delayed response was "omg i'll pray for u".... This girl is supposed to be my best friend.. She messaged me about 5 days later trying to act supportive and see if I was okay but I feel like it's just too late... It's almost like someone made her realize she should of been more supportive. It's really putting a damper on this amazing time in my life and I'm upset with myself for letting it.

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  • Vinod
    Top August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    This so called friend has pushed you so far back she wants nothing better for you or worse and shows it in a bad way.

    Through our lives and friendships, we can handle so much before you finally say its gone far enough.

    Though this is not related to the wedding, friendship wise. I knew a friend for so long and build a good bond with her. Years later, introduced her to my 2nd family and we all went to a cabin one summer.

    Over time, she started giving excuses for not coming out and backing out last minute. As i told my mom about all this, she said "Don't invite her any longer if she's not making any effort". Thats the logic of whats being said here. My husband invited her to the wedding and i never said a word to her once while following me as a lost puppy the whole reception.

    Let her know she can come as a guest, not a MOH any longer. You need someone strong and supportive beside you on your day.
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  • Holly
    Frequent user September 2018 Ontario
    Holly ·
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    I think that's very telling then. If you don't think she'll come no matter what, then she's likely not worth the stress and effort. If you think there is a chance she'll come, what I would do is tell her exactly how you're feeling. "When you said this...it made me feel this" statements are a positive way to communicate rather than "I'm pissed because..." or "Why are you doing this?" type statements. I think ultimately getting it all out on paper (or email or in person) whatever works best for you will allow you to feel better. Let her know that you would love for her to attend, but as a guest. And I think if she's still reacting very negatively & making it about her, then you've done all you can. I'm sorry this is happening to you at all, but certainly so close to your big day.

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  • J
    Newbie October 2018 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    Hi Holly,

    Thank you for your kind words and great advice. You're absolutely right. Do you have any suggestions about on how to go about this? I feel like regardless she won't come no matter what I say even if I still had her stand just maybe no as the maid of honor she just won't be able to accept where I'm coming from no matter how hard I try.

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  • Holly
    Frequent user September 2018 Ontario
    Holly ·
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    Hi Jessica,

    What a tough situation. I can only imagine how torn you must be feeling. On one hand it sounds like you really want to make this work and on the other you seem to be at your wits end. I think you're 100% correct that this has nothing to do with you, and it goes much deeper than that. My best friend through high school and university shut me & another mutual friend out of her life (I was her MOH) after she got married. She became withdrawn, wouldn't respond to our messages and always cancelled plans. We eventually drifted apart, and that's okay. People change, grow, and go different directions in life. It sounds like you've tried really hard to get her to open up to you about what's going on with no luck. I would suggest having her as a guest (if you still want her as one), but hearing the way she treated you for your Bachelorette party, I don't think you want that kind of drama on your wedding day. That day is 100% about you and you shouldn't have to worry about somebody else's problems. Good luck, I hope it all works out.

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  • J
    Newbie October 2018 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    Thank you ladies for all of your thoughtful replies. It feels really good to know that I'm not alone. All of your suggestions are great and I can honestly say I've tried the majority of them. I think at this point I know what I have to do I just have to grow a pair and do it. No matter what I'm going to be the bad guy. I guess I just have to figure out what to say.


    Thank you for all of your support it truly means so much.

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  • Maya
    Expert January 2019 Alberta
    Maya ·
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    That is a very tough situation and I went through something with my best friend a while ago. She also doesn’t respond as much and well our issues stemmed deeper for me because she got pregnant right when I had my miscarriage. I retook a course called the pursuit of excellence which is about improving relationships in my life and communication. For me it was at the pursuit I decided that she was my best friend in the whole world and I didn’t want to give her up.

    A little back story of our friendship we have know each other since we were 5 and use to hate each other at karate. Then grade 7 we became best of friends and were practically inseparable. Then as we got into high school she started smoking and we drifted apart a little when I went for school exchange to New Zealand. Then shortly after graduation she moved to Vancouver Island with her family and our communication dropped off dramatically.

    We we had a huge fight because I had seen she went to visit a friend in Saskatchewan, but she never comes to Alberta and for all the times I went and paid and yes I have family on the island, but I mainly went to see her and her family as they were my second family growing up. I ended up sending her a heartfelt text about everything. I explained the situation using the communication tools from the pursuit. I can’t share those here, but what worked for me was getting clear on what I wanted to say and practicing the conversation with someone to check for anything that might come off as confrontational.

    I explained my feelings and gave time for her to explain hers as well. I started our conversation by saying how much she meant to me. It was also important for me to use accountable language when talking, so instead of saying, “you were always shutting me down at Vegas,” saying something like, “during our Vegas trip I often felt like I was being shut down and it made me feel hurt.” I would get all your words down on paper what you want to say and have someone else read it over before sending or calling. If it is a relationship that you feel is non repairable and you have done everything you can to improve communication and it still is toxic then I would say to leave it, but first make sure you solve your issue first as if it is not resolved it will likely show up in your life again. If you feel no matter what it is a friendship you can not give up it may require your commitment to the end result you want even if she does nothing to improve the relationship. It’s all about choice, I’m sharing a quote from the excellent seminars international because this was one of the greatest things that changed my life was learning about choices. Also you can choose someone other than your wedding party to sign, it could be your parents a sibling or anyone else you want to honour.

    Sending you lots of love and positive energy as I know it is very difficult going through this, remember to be gentle with yourself and also her as well. If you need any help at all to go over what you want to discuss feel free to message me and i will help any way I can. I know I’m a complete stranger, but I feel during that time I made a new friend who was also a complete stranger at the time in the pursuit who was going through the same thing I was with her best friend. I wish you all the best for your wedding and for resolving this with your friend.

    Maid of honor feels like a total stranger and wedding is in 2 months.... this is super long 1
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  • Alexandra
    VIP November 2019 British Columbia
    Alexandra ·
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    Honestly, cut her out of your life. We grow as people, we change, our lives change and as a result, friends change. And from what it sounds like, you already know things are over. Here’s what I would do in your shoes:

    -Make a list of the reasons to cut her out of your life vs. Reasons not too. Nostalgia isn’t a good reason. You’ll like find that the reasons to cut her out will be stronger reasons than to not. On the off chance they’re not and you decide to keep her around, ignore the rest of this list.

    -Tell her honestly how you feel. Not in detail and without being cruel, but just tell her that you honestly don’t feel like she is putting effort into the relationship anymore. And tell her that she is not your maid of honour anymore. Don’t ask her to step down, fire her. Make it clear it’s over. It’ll burn whatever’s left of the friendship up and she will refuse to come to the wedding but if she can’t be nice to YOU on YOUR bachelorette, she’s not actually a friend to you.

    -If you paid for the dress that’s fine, but if she paid you should offer to pay her the cost then take the dress and try and sell it off. Don’t leave her still burdening that cost after you fired her.

    -Cry it out, because losing a friend is awful and it’s gonna hurt you.

    -Feel better knowing in your heart that you made a decision that was best for you, not because you feel like you have to.
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  • Jennifer
    Frequent user February 2024 Ontario
    Jennifer ·
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    It sounds like this is more than just wedding related. I had a similar experience with someone I considered my best friend/sister for a long time but the last 5 years of the friendship was one sided and she was so selfish and self centered.

    During school we lived together for 5 years and I always thought she would be my MOH but it got to the point where I realised it was a toxic relationship for me, it was over and it had been for quite some time. If I had something good she had to have something better, she never asked about me or my life, she knew nothing about me and I only saw her to listen to her blather on about herself and how great things were for her. No authentic talk about the challenges of real life and as soon as she'd said what she came to say she wanted to leave, or she'd cancel plans last minute if something better came up. As a chronic people pleaser I was always making excuses for her or telling myself she had a good reason for acting that way or saying whatever that hurt my feelings but that wasn't being good to myself. It was toxic, hurtful and one sided and honestly made me feel like isht all the time.

    In the end no amount of trying to talk it out helped, in person or not she refused to listen to my concerns always turned things around to be about how I had wronged her and basically just couldn't be authentic, couldn't let me in, couldn't admit things had been one sided or talk about why any of it. I finally ended the relationship when my grandmother passed away and she didn't contact me at all. I told her and everyone we know that I was travelling to the funeral and many people sent their condolences. A week after I got back from the funeral in California she still hadn't called or even sent a text, nothing. When I called she said on a Monday she was too busy to talk to me because she was leaving Friday evening for a bachelorette party in Vegas. Didn't even say condolences or sorry for your loss or sorry I didn't reach out, just blabbed on about Vegas and her outfits.

    I ended the relationship then and there and she maintained that I was being cray she just didn't have the time. In those 5 days she could not find even 5 minutes to talk on the phone about my issue. About my grief for a woman I was very close to, a woman who had taken her into her home on our student trip to Cali. I finally realized it was over and I was only hurting myself trying to keep her in my life.

    I was sad about it for a while and when I got engaged not to long after I wanted to reach out but I've realized I don't want the drama and I've been happier without her in my life. Also she hasn't reached out to me in over a year so that says alot. Now I've made my peace, I have a new best friend (who was there for me through my grief and through the bff break up). She's a true bff and will be my MOH. Best of all I'm so happy it happened when it did so I won't have to look at my wedding photos with her in them and regret hanging onto a friendship that wasn't meant to last. It's sad but sometimes we have to move on and do what's best for ourselves.

    Don't feel guilty about doing what's right for you, treating yourself with respect means choosing the people you surround yourself with. The people you have in your life should make it better not worse. You only get this one special day, this one wedding, this once in a lifetime moment and it's your decision who you want to spend it with.

    Ps. Sorry I wrote you a novel but your story really spoke to me! It's something I felt needed to be said cause I feel like many people will say work it out but they may not know what it's like to be stuck in a toxic friendship. Sometimes a break up is good for the soul. That being said if you think you can work it out then good for you, I'm just offering up my experience for thought. Best of luck!!
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  • J
    Newbie October 2018 Ontario
    Jessica ·
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    The discouraging part is I've sat down with her more than once face to face. Nothing changes. Or it changes for a week and then right back to where we started. You're absolutely right though. I'm not sure I can happily look back at pictures with her in them to be honest....
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  • S
    Frequent user October 2019 Ontario
    Sarah ·
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    This is why I got rid of all my girl friends. Guys don’t act like that lol.
    She might be feeling a bit jealous and that you’re moving forward in life. You should have a sit down talk between the two of you. Saying it over the phone is very different than saying it face to face. You can pick up on a lot more when looking at the person.
    She might be reacting to you suggesting her not being the MoH versus being a bridesmaid instead. You need to explain to her all of what you’re feeling and say it worries you that she has changed since you asked her.
    Its hard to do but would you rather have memories of happiness on your wedding day or look back at photos knowing someone was causing you difficulties or potentially never speaking to them again.
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